Caught off guard by Tonya’s questions and the sound of her voice her breath caught in her chest. She smiled a little and was afraid it would come out when she answered her.
“Umm, well yeah in a way the idea was attractive, but I don’t think it’s right. I’ve been so confused; that’s why I need help. I couldn’t do this to Chris and I can’t do this to myself or Junior.”
“What do you mean it isn’t right? He’s great looking and a great guy at the same time. You are gorgeous and you deserve a good man to love you.”
“I know. I know, but he was Chris’s best friend. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Nowhere near it actually. Not to mention it might feel weird dating his best friend. You know.”
“Yeah. I get that. That’s definitely understandable. So, what will you do?”
“I don’t know. I love having him as a friend, but if I’m right about this I’m scared it will hurt our friendship. I don’t want that.”
“Again, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to wait it out and see if he makes a move or talks to you about it himself or will you bring it up and what are you going to do about your feelings?”
Feelings Sam didn’t want to deal with were suddenly filling her from her core. She wanted to scream, but she didn’t want to burst Tonya’s eardrums, either.
“I guess I’ll see if anything else happens. If I don’t hear from him by Friday, I’ll give him a call and ask him to come over.”
“Whatever you do there’s two very important things to remember.”
“What?” Sam asked.
“Don’t assume anything and call me to give me all the details.”
The second important thing made her laugh out loud and Sam told her she would remember that. They ended their second call of the night and she sat there dumbfounded and confused. She had to ask herself if she was making assumptions. If she was wrong about the whole thing, and if deep down she actually did want him to be attracted to her. Was that what it was? Did she want that? She flung her phone and grunted in mad confusion.
“I can’t deal with this right now,” she mumbled to herself. She didn’t want to think about it or feel anything concerning it and went to bed for the night. Determined not to think about any of it. Not Junior. Not her talk with Tonya. Not school and certainly not the papers she found. With her mind made up she turned the lights out and slid between the covers. Having her mind made up didn’t go as planned because her brain had different ideas. If she was lucky, she might have gotten three hours sleep that night.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The rest of the week came and went, Friday arriving and no word from Junior. Sam was anxious and scared simultaneously, but knew she had to call and talk to him. Plus she was genuinely concerned and wanted to see if he really was feeling sick. Not calling sooner made her feel guilty for being a bad friend.
When she got home from school Friday afternoon she sent him a text asking if he was okay.
Sam: Junior—are you okay?
Junior: I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
He replied saying he was better and thanked her for asking. Nothing more from him and she wasn’t sure if that meant anything or not.
Sam took her shower and dressed in pajamas with no intention of going out. She made a sandwich and ate it in silence, continuing to think about Junior. Only seconds after she decided to give him a call there was a knock on the door. She jumped from the surprise of it. She didn’t know who it could be and thought about putting her robe on, but realized there was nothing wrong with how she was dressed.
“Who is it?” she asked through the door.
“It’s Junior.”
“Oh,” she responded, surprised. Especially at the perfect timing.
Nervously, she pasted a smile on her face as she opened the door. When she saw him standing there she felt more emotions than she thought she should be feeling. He looked good. Too good.
“Hi, come in. I wasn’t expecting you to come over tonight.”
“Sorry about not calling first. Did I catch you at a bad time?” he asked.
“No, it’s okay.”
Sam noticed Junior walked in with a slight slump of his shoulders. She wasn’t the only one with something on their mind.
“Would you like something to drink or eat?” she asked him. “I just got finished eating a sandwich, but I can make you one if you like.”
He sat at the table, appearing troubled and her heart went out to him. She had the feeling this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.
“A cup of coffee would be nice if you have some already made.”
“I don’t, but that sounds good to me, too. I’ll make a small pot,” she told him and walked into the kitchen.
It only took a few minutes to start it and the entire time she went through her mind trying to think of a way to talk to him. She wasn’t one hundred percent positive what was on his mind was what she thought it was, but she was confident about it. She didn’t know for sure what to say. Confusion and fear wracked her brain and she dreaded the talk between them. She shouldn’t let anything between them happen and she knew she would have to tell him, but could she? When she walked back and sat at the table his expression hadn’t changed.
“It will be ready in a few minutes,” she told him.
“Thank you.”
Taking a deep breath, she dived right in because she thought she knew what was coming.
“Are you okay? You look either very tired or very worried about something.”
He sat with his hands clasped and stared at them. At first, he didn’t respond, but after a long few seconds he looked at her and told her what had been on his mind.
“There’s something important I want to talk to you about, but I’m not sure what the best way of going about it is.”
“Just spit it out. Whatever it is, it’s me you are talking to. It will be okay.” She thought she already knew and she leaned onto the table patiently. The coffee pot began gurgling in the background and he glanced in that direction.
“Let’s get our coffee first, if it’s okay.”
“Sure.” They both walked into the kitchen and poured themselves a cup. When they were sitting again Junior started talking.
“Sam, I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. It’s gotten to the point where it’s driving me crazy inside and I know I have to tell you. I’ve been telling myself that I shouldn’t. I’ve been telling myself that it’s wrong and that it’s not wrong. I have to admit first though that I’m scared of what you will say or think about it.”
Maybe it isn’t what she thought it was. She softly rested her hand on his forearm.
“You can talk to me. You know that. I’m here for you.”
Junior nodded and pressed his lips together. With a burrowed brow he said, “Sam, I’ve been attracted to you for a very long time. I know it’s bad and I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t want to hurt our friendship.”
Her heart felt like it sunk then rose back up into her chest threatening to burst out of it at the same time. Her fingers tightened on his arm and she did her best to smile. What was she going to say?
“Junior…I, I don’t know what to say,” she stated with caution.
“I know. I feel guilty like I’ve done something wrong, even though I know I haven’t. Does that make sense at all?”
“How long have you felt this way?”
He smiled slightly and without looking at her he answered softly. “Ever since I first met you.”
She felt her feelings beginning to smooth out. Part of her felt sorry for him and wanted to hug him, but that would probably give the wrong message. She leaned back and looked at him as he continued to stare at his hands.
“I’m assuming Chris never knew about your feelings for me.”
Shaking his head, Junior said, “No, at least I don’t think so. I never told him, of course. I loved Chris like a brother and I knew how he felt abou
t you. I would have never intruded that way. Besides, I cared and still do too much to have tried anything towards you. I had more respect for you than that.”
“I appreciate that and I understand why it would be so difficult for you and why you needed to talk to me about it. Honestly, I suspected that was what was going on, especially since you canceled our dinner last Saturday and I haven’t heard from you since.”
Her brain told her to tell him how she was feeling, but her heart kept her from being honest. She didn’t have the right words, and she didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
“I’m sorry about that. I was too uncomfortable. I knew I needed to talk to you but I didn’t know what else to say.”
“It’s okay, no worries.”
He looked at her and she thought he might cry. His eyes had grown red and his cheeks appeared heated.
“Will this affect our friendship? In a negative way, I mean.”
Again, Sam thought before speaking. She had to ask herself the same question. In her heart, she truly cared about the man who admitted his feelings for her. He had always been a true friend and she didn’t have many of those in her life. She didn’t want to lose him. She smiled at him and assured him things were fine between them.
“You have nothing to worry about, Junior. I need you in my life. You’ve been too good a friend to ever want to lose.”
“Thank you. You don’t know how scared I was tonight coming over here. I thought you would turn from me. I almost couldn’t do it, but I knew eventually I would have no choice or I would go crazy thinking about it.”
“I’m not going to turn from you. It would take a lot more than this to ever make that happen.”
They stood and embraced and she held him for a long time. Her thoughts were going crazy and swirling around in her head as she breathed in his cologne and felt him against her. She knew she wasn’t ready for anything more than friendship from him even if he did mean a lot to her. She knew he was a great looking man and a guy with a sensitive soul but friendship, for a while at least, was all she could give him. It would be wrong for her to make him think otherwise.
They said goodnight and agreed to talk again in a few days. She said maybe one evening next week they could have dinner, and Junior said it was his turn to cook. Sam liked that idea, agreed with him, and said they would make plans. As she closed the door part of her felt like she was closing a chapter in a book. She hoped not.
***
That night she lay in bed and thought about their conversation. She thought about Chris and what he would think. She tried to believe he was in a better place and was watching her from above. Would Chris approve if anything actually did evolve between her and Junior? A seed had been planted in her heart and she was aware of it. She rolled onto her side and cried. For the first time in months she was afraid again. Not of being alone or being uncertain of her future. She was afraid she would never be able to love again.
Marion sat beside her, unseen. She smiled down at Sam as she slept. Love was in God’s plan for her and Marion could see it, but would Sam be able to accept it? Marion hoped she would. She knew Sam would need help and it might take a long time, but she needed to be loved and she needed to let go of her heart again. She knew Sam was stubborn. She knew she couldn’t take the pain of being hurt again, so she prayed and she prayed hard for something to happen that would change her mind.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sometimes it’s amazing how fast time disappears. Almost as if it didn’t even exist to begin with. One day Sam was in her first week back at school and getting back into the swing of things and next she was getting her official certificate from the Dean of the school. She was a chef and could move forward in her life. The only problem was she didn’t have her life figured out. There was also the situation with Junior.
Even though they both had said that things wouldn’t change between them, they did. They barely spoke any more. Since that uncomfortable conversation in her apartment they only saw each other twice and both times were in short strides and not as it used to be. Three months had gone by and she felt like she lost her friend forever. She didn’t want things to be that way between them. She missed him.
That was another problem. When she thought about Junior and discovered she missed him, she thought maybe too much. She missed his friendship. She missed talking with him and hearing his voice and hearing him laugh. She never thought about how his voice sounded as much as she had lately. She wondered on numerous occasions if something was wrong with her, but Tonya assured her there wasn’t.
“It’s understandable what you are going through,” Tonya told her. “I would imagine that most people who have lost a spouse have gone through the same feelings at some time or another. You lost your mate, the man that you loved and not long after that someone who you already cared about confessed his feelings for you. It was a shock to your emotions. To your heart, but not in the physical sense.”
Tonya made sense, but it was still confusing for Sam. Her heart was breaking. She wanted to talk to Junior. There were some things she needed to tell him. The most recent thing was that she made the decision to move to Florida. She thought it would do her a lot of good to get out of Connecticut for several reasons. Mainly because she needed to move on and it would be easier if she wasn’t living where she and Chris had made so many memories together. Also, because the winters would be a lot friendlier, the cost of living was lower, plus she would be living at the beach and near Tonya. She wouldn’t tell him that he was part of that decision. Telling him that would hurt him more and she would never intentionally hurt him.
The weather was finally getting warmer and the birds were out singing and making beautiful music that flowed through the screens of the open windows. She was in the bedroom packing up the last few things that belonged to Chris before she started packing her things to move. So many things had happened over the last month, including going to see that lawyer in Hartford. She had been more nervous about going there alone than anything else in years, but she had managed to do it.
As it turned out Chris actually did have a million dollars put away for her. She couldn’t believe it and the lawyer gave her very little information about where the money had come from or even why Chris had made those plans for her. All he would tell her was that Chris had made the lawyer sign a legal document stating that he wouldn’t divulge any information concerning anything to do with it except for one detail. That singular detail was that she had to open her own restaurant with it. She had to fulfill her dream.
When she left the lawyer’s office that day she was livid with both Chris and the lawyer, but Tonya helped her work through it. Sam was still upset about it all, but knowing she would never have to worry financially again helped comfort her. The thing she hated the most about all of it and probably would forever was that she might never know that secret about Chris.
As she thought about her move to Florida, Sam thought about what she would do with all of Chris’s things. She had planned on giving most of it to Junior, but didn’t know what to do anymore. Maybe she would go to his apartment while he was at work and leave the boxes in front of his door. She thought she would do it close to the time Junior would get home from work so the boxes wouldn’t sit unguarded for long.
When she was finished, she took a break with a cup of tea and looked out the window. Memories of her life in Torrington and with Chris and Junior bombarded her and she wasn’t prepared for them. Tears streamed down her reddened cheeks. She had to set the cup down so she wouldn’t spill it because her hands were shaking. The move wasn’t going to be an easy one, but she had to do it and she hated saying goodbye. Even saying goodbye to the apartment would be hard.
Sam collected herself and told herself she wouldn’t give in. She wanted to move to Florida. It was a choice and a wise one. Not only for her well-being, but for her career as well. Besides, being near her best friend would be wonderful. Walks and talks on the beach. Laughing and crying together instead of ove
r the phone. Working at Tonya’s uncle’s fine restaurant and starting her life over without complications. As long as she took care of herself she would be great.
She wanted to be in Florida by the end of the following week. She had ten days to complete everything and thankfully not a tremendous amount to pack. A lot of what she had to do was sorting through what she was taking with her and what she was giving away. She didn’t need most of it; she and Chris weren’t big on material things.
She went through her day taking a lot of breaks, including a nap on her bed that was covered with pictures and clothes. She pushed them to the side and found a spot big enough to lie down. She was tired physically and mentally and emotionally. It was coming up on a year since everything started to go crazy in her life. She thought she handled it all pretty well.
There was the teenage drunk driver that almost killed her at the beach. Her heart problems that were discovered while she was in surgery from the accident. Missing school and having to wait to graduate, but the hardest part was losing Chris. In many ways she knew she would never get over him. She would never stop feeling that emptiness in her soul. She knew she would never love again. At least not as deeply as she had with Chris.
She talked to Tonya and her therapist about it, even her mother, and they all said the same things. Over time she would. Her heart would heal and she would meet a great guy. She would be able to love again and maybe have a family, but she didn’t believe them. She listened and nodded along with their words, but her soul didn’t believe it would ever happen again.
***
Sam set three boxes in front of Junior’s door a few days later, around the time she thought he would be getting off from work. She didn’t plan on running into him, although she did want to talk to him again before she left Connecticut. Talking face to face would be the most appropriate way, but the hardest as well. She hoped he would call later that afternoon and they could talk then. That didn’t happen.
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