Chapter Eleven
The following morning brought a whole new set of feelings. She had expected to wake with a smile and she had expected to look at Jo and blush, figuring Jo knew everything that had happened in the bedroom the night before.
Instead, she felt like she was following Thomas around the house, waiting for him to look at her and talk to her. Other than the average morning talk of Hello and I need to get to work, nothing extra came from Thomas. He ate his breakfast, thanked Anna for making it, and then set out to work.
Anna washed the dishes from breakfast as tears fell down her cheeks. She hadn’t realized Jo had crept into the kitchen until Jo touched her shoulder, causing Anna to scream.
“I’m sorry,” Jo said. “I didn’t know you... are you crying? Sweet Anna, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Anna quickly lied as she turned her attention back to the dishes.
Jo took Anna’s hands and moved them out of the sudsy water. She moved Anna to the side and took over.
“That’s not your job,” Anna said.
“I’ll help.”
“No!” Anna cried out. “You’re taking all the work from me then! He... he can’t love me then!”
Anna turned and lowered her head, feeling foolish for blurting out such a mean thing to a nice woman like Jo. Thankfully, Jo didn’t take it that way at all. She left the dishes and tended to Anna, walking her to the dining room and sitting her down.
“I’m so sorry for that,” Anna said. “I shouldn’t have said that to you.”
“No, I understand,” Jo said. “Was last night... not okay?”
“It was amazing,” Anna said. “For me. But Thomas...”
“Don’t think a thing about it,” Jo said.
“I can’t give him what he wants. Or Thomas Jr. what he needs.”
Jo closed her mouth and nodded. Anna could see in Jo’s eyes that she knew exactly what Anna meant.
“And what if Thomas wants a bigger family? What am I do to then?”
“Who says you can’t have a bigger family?” Jo asked.
“I was married for a year without a baby,” Anna said.
“That may not have been your doing,” Jo said. “Do you have faith?”
“Yes, I do.”
“That’s all you need, sweet Anna. You and Thomas are meant to be. Let it be.”
That’s what Anna needed to hear. She collected herself and her tears and spent the rest of the day as the wife she wanted to be. She took care of the house, the cooking, and even took care of Thomas Jr. in every way God allowed her. Jo only took the baby when he needed nourishment.
The days and nights soon began to move faster than Anna thought they would.
The days were long and hard sometimes, but Anna forged through them. She took care of everything Thomas needed and wanted, usually doing so without him saying a word about a thing. She noticed he didn’t like to ask for things, but he appreciated everything she did. He took to touching her hands at any opportunity they were free and they shared moments in bed together, but each time it ended, Thomas always left the room.
Through the kitchen window, Anna spent many hours watching Thomas work hard. The crops grew like she had never seen crops grow before, a testament to the good land and the hard work. When it came time to sell crops, Anna joined Thomas and brought Thomas Jr. along. She then got to watch her husband work as a businessman, making the living he deserved and rightfully earned. Each second she spent staring at Thomas, watching him work, watching him deal in business, watching him hold Thomas Jr. and make the baby laugh, Anna fell more in love with him. And it was genuine love. She wanted to openly celebrate, but she held back for fear of learning how Thomas actually felt about her. The last thing she would ever want to do was push Thomas away.
He meant too much to Anna and she had reached the point that she couldn’t imagine her life without him in it. As promised to herself, she sat down one evening to write two letters.
She had the paper in front of her and traced her thoughts, trying to find the perfect words to say.
Jo was nursing Thomas Jr. and Thomas stepped up behind Anna, standing as she sat. His strong hands touched her shoulders, sending that intense warm feeling through her body. If Thomas had been able to see her cheeks right then, he would have seen her blushing.
“Writing?” he asked.
“I promised to pen two letters,” Anna said.
“Friends or family?”
“Both,” Anna said. “One is for my sister. One is for the woman who helped me get here.”
“Do you miss your sister?” Thomas asked.
It was probably the most personal question he’d asked Anna in over a month.
“I do,” Anna said. “But I worry more than miss her. I want her to read this letter and understand that life can exist after pain.”
What Anna wanted to really say was that love could exist after pain, but she wasn’t sure how Thomas would handle hearing that.
“Well,” Thomas said, “you tell her that I’m happy. That our marriage is strong and healthy.”
Anna smiled.
“I’ll leave you be,” Thomas said.
“Thank you,” Anna said.
She thought again about what to write. She tried to picture Abigail, but it was becoming harder to do. Time had gone by so fast and with so much involved. Thinking about time bothered Anna. Anna touched her stomach, feeling let down again. She wasn’t sure why she expected to carry a child, but she wondered if Jo had been right. That God’s will didn’t let it happen with William to allow it to happen with Thomas. That obviously wasn’t the case at all as Anna’s bodily cycle had just come to an end.
She focused on the letter and decided to write to Mary first.
Dear Mary -
How the weeks go fast! I’m not sure where the time actually goes, but it does go. My travels were safe and everything was as planned. Thomas is a handsome man, Mary. More than I feel I deserve. The wet nurse, Jo, is the kindest woman I ever met - other than yourself, Mary! She is warm, welcoming, understanding, and what she provides Thomas Jr. is something that leaves me amazed every time I see it.
I won’t try and paint a perfect picture, Mary, because perfection is not quite here yet. Thomas and I married and we have found a way to survive together. I’ve fallen for that man, Mary. I love him so. But his eyes aren’t the same to me. I understand and cope but how I wish he could feel the same. When we touch each other, he enjoys but then leaves the room. I fear he is still lost in grieving and perhaps rightfully so. He is reminded of his loss each time he sees his son. Each time Jo provides milk to his son. And each time he looks at me. I’m not her, Mary, and I can’t be! I know nothing of her, and if I did, I wouldn’t be anyone but myself.
I’m sorry if this letter sounds sad. I’m truly not sad. I swear on that. By God’s will I have the strength to carry through this time right now. To make the house a home, to cook wonderful meals, to hold Thomas Jr. and watch him grow. And to watch Thomas as he works so hard on his land. He’s a wonderful man, Mary. A man who I want to give my all to. I promise you, Mary, I will never stop loving Thomas and will never step away from him.
In the beginning Thomas Jr. didn’t take to me. He cried when I held him. But then came a day where he fell asleep on my shoulder. Oh, Mary, what a feeling! Holding that warm baby, able to trust me enough to sleep. That was the same day Thomas insisted we get married. We even shared a kiss- okay, a few! - but please promise never to share that with anyone. I don’t want to be judged as a woman who kisses men out of wedlock.
It’s beautiful here, Mary. The land so vast. The town is far away, but the people are generous. They understand Thomas, they understand me, and most of all, they accept us. They accept us together and that does help when things feel... I don’t know, so lost sometimes.
I cannot thank you enough, Mary, for all you’ve done for me. By saving those letters. By sharing them with me. By giving me the chance to finally find my plac
e and my own happiness. And I do have it! Right here! When Thomas touches me, it’s a feeling that I know is real in my body and heart. When he looks at me, I feel... oh, I don’t know how to describe it, Mary... but my face burns when he looks at me.
I hope all goes well with yourself and Henry. I miss both you, I really do. That’s the hardest part for me. I often think of Henry’s nice suits and terrible whistling! But each time I look at the wet nurse, Josephine, I think of you Mary.
If you find time, I would appreciate to read your words.
Sincerely,
Anna
Anna gave the letter a once over and while she wasn’t sure of the way it sounded, it was how she felt and with Mary, she knew she could be honest. Mary would understand. Mary had sent many women off to be married. While Anna wasn’t sure if any of the women wrote back to Mary, she wanted to believe that some did. And Anna was certain that not all women find love and happiness.
Anna then went to the next letter, the one to her sister.
Dear Abigail -
I miss my big sister! I think of you, Abigail, that face of an angel. Bright blue eyes. Beautiful, long hair. I miss it. I miss our talks, our laughs, and how we always had each other.
I’m almost pained to write this letter because I fear how it will make you feel. But Abigail, my sister, I am truly happy! I have fallen in love with a man named Thomas and his infant son. I am happily married right now as I write this. I take care of the home and the baby, aside from nursing which is cared by another woman who works as a wet nurse. She’s a wonderful woman, Abigail, you’d love her.
Each day I’m greeted with a beautiful sun rise. My husband goes to work in the field - perhaps the greatest crops I’ve ever seen grown. He works hard. I cook, I clean, I care. It’s a life I never thought I’d have. To be happy and in love.
I share this with you, Abigail, to perhaps help cure your worries. Your worries of what happened to me before and what happened to you. I can write to tell you that happiness can come after a heartache. When I look at my husband, Thomas, I feel it rush through my body. I’m sure it was how you felt at one point in your life. And, Abigail, you can feel it again!
How did this all happen?
I met with a woman named Mary and her brother, Henry. They run the Lowemills Daily newspaper. They also place ads from men looking for brides. They helped me connect with Thomas through writing letters to him. And Thomas sent me money and I traveled on a train to be with him.
I hope mother and father are well. I hope my absence hasn’t hurt them more than my divorce had. I feel guilty each day about it, Abigail, wishing there was something I could have done. But my body - and God - made those decisions! Not me! It’s wasn’t fair for me to feel the way I did. I understand our parents position and I hope you can share this letter with them. Let them see that I’ve gone off, on my own, I’ve found a husband, a family, love, and I’m happy. I say this honestly, Abigail, I am truly happy. I hope they are happy. Most of all, I hope you’re happy. I want to know you’re okay. I want to know you’re going to find love too. You deserve a husband. A family too.
I will eagerly await a letter from you Abigail.
I miss you, big sister!
Love,
Anna
Anna slid the letters away from her and took a deep breath. She had to collect her emotions. Everything came at her at once by penning the letters. Thinking about William and the divorce. The way her parents acted. The travel to Kansas. Meeting Thomas. Meeting Thomas Jr.. Everything else...
“Are you done?”
Anna gasped and jumped. She looked over her shoulder and saw Thomas standing.
“Yes,” Anna said. “I’m done. Can I mail these tomorrow?”
“Of course,” Thomas said. “We’ll go into town. We’ll make a list of anything we may need too. I’ll ask Josephine if there is anything she needs.”
“Thank you.”
Thomas stepped towards the table, his eyes gazing upon the letters. He looked down at Anna. Anna could see the intrigue in his eyes.
“You could read them if you’d like,” Anna said.
“No, I couldn’t.”
Anna smiled. “You could. I want you too, Thomas. Please.”
“Why?”
“Maybe the written word has more meaning. Since the ink is on the paper. Stuck there. It can be read again and again...”
Thomas leaned forward and took Abigail’s letter first. Anna just stared straight ahead, with her hands folded, waiting for Thomas to finish reading. She grew nervous wondering how Thomas would take the words she had to write.
Thomas placed the first letter back on the table then took the other letter Anna wrote. The one to Mary. The one with a little more honesty in it. That was the one Anna truly worried about. She half expected Thomas to storm away. But Thomas didn’t. Instead, just like before, he placed the letter on the table. He touched Anna’s shoulder.
“Those are nice letters,” he said. “I’m sure they will be able to receive them.”
“Do they upset you?” Anna asked.
“No,” Thomas said.
It was a quick no and nothing more. He then turned and left the room. Anna watched her troubled husband walk away, but she didn’t chase right after him. One thing Anna had learned so far about Thomas was that he liked to be alone when his mind was overwhelmed. Smothering him only made things worse, often ending with him making a rash decision or saying something he certainly would regret.
Anna gently folded the letters and then opened them again to read them one more time.
Had she said something that should have been kept silent?
If so, Anna could burn the letters. That was one way of making sure the words disappeared.
Jo came into the room and saw the table and pointed.
“Finally writing those?” she asked.
“Finally?”
“Well of course,” Jo said. “I never thought you the type to just run. Plus, you mentioned that woman, Mary, numerous times. I knew she had to be on your mind. And the other letter...”
“My sister, Abigail,” Anna said. “Lost her husband.”
“Sorry to hear that,” Jo said with a look in her eyes that bothered Anna. “Really sorry to hear that.”
“Me too. I wouldn’t tell anyone what I was doing, not even my parents. I promised myself though that once I was happy here I would write to Abigail. To give her hope. She deserves a husband and a family.”
“Every woman does,” Jo said.
“And you?” Anna asked.
Jo swallowed and ignored the question. “What about your parents?”
“They’re included in the letter to Abigail. I’m sure she’ll show them. I’m hoping it brings hope to their house and life.”
“I’m sure it will,” Jo said.
The conversation ended at that, and Anna headed to bed feeling uneasy about both Thomas and Jo. When she climbed into bed, Thomas already had his eyes shut. She blew out the light and remained awake for a few more minutes, thinking. The touch from Thomas’s hand surprised her.
“I can’t sleep well without you next to me,” Thomas said.
“That makes me happy,” Anna said.
“I have something for you,” Thomas said. “Tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Anna said.
She remained awake and silent for another minute or so, gently biting her lip, wishing that Thomas would roll towards her and take her. It had been six days since the last time they were together, all caused by Anna’s sometimes painful reminder that she wasn’t pregnant. But she was okay now and she wanted Thomas. The urge and thought made her blush, even to herself, even in the dark. She wanted to feel Thomas’s large hands touch her breasts, her body. She wanted to feel Thomas’s body against hers, giving, taking, giving some more.
And that’s how Anna fell asleep, only to be awakened a short time later by the sound of crying baby.
Anna’s eyes popped open and she sat up, touch
ing her chest, catching her breath. Admitting the dream she had just been having felt so wrong, but since it was Thomas, it really was right.
Thomas Jr. cried some more and Anna tiptoed across to the small nursery room where Thomas Jr. slept his naps and evenings. He whined again and through the darkness Anna could see his small hands and feet kicking.
After lighting a candle, Anna took the infant into her arms and hugged him.
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m here, Thomas Jr., right here. It’s... Anna...”
Anna’s mouth ran dry.
How close had she been to saying It’s Mother?
She felt like she was there, emotionally, but she wasn’t sure if Thomas was. Of course, physically she could handle the job as Thomas Jr.’s mother with only one exception.
“Is everything okay?” another voice whispered.
Anna saw Jo in the doorway.
“I think he’s hungry,” Anna said.
“Yeah, it’s the time I guess. He normally doesn’t get up like this anymore.”
Anna looked down at Thomas Jr. as she held him. He was a little fussy but not crying. His big eyes were wide open, staring up at Anna.
“May I have him for a few minutes alone?” Anna asked. “I’ll bring him into your room when he cries again.”
“Take your time, sweet Anna,” Jo said. Jo stepped back then stopped. “Oh, Anna?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry if I just walked away before,” Jo said. “Talking about family...”
“It’s okay,” Anna said. “Get some more sleep.”
Anna set her attention back to Thomas Jr. once Jo left.
“Thomas Jr.,” she whispered.
She held him in her left hand and stroked his hair with her right hand. It was so thin and soft, coming in darker than when she first arrived, telling Anna the infant would resemble of his father.
“I’ll always be here,” she said to the baby. “I will always raise you, and love you dearly. But I won’t take away any memories you have of who birthed you. You’re far too small right now to understand my words, but I believe you remember her. She carried you for all that time. She nourished you. She talked to you. She loved you, Thomas Jr., and I know that by the way your father looks at you, and at me.”
Anna blinked and felt tears rushing to her eyes.
Thomas Jr.’s eyes started to close. The baby tried to fight it, but as Anna gently rocked him and began to hum, he fell back asleep.
He didn’t need to eat after all.
He just needed to be held and spoken to... by Anna. By the woman who wanted to be his mother.
Anna continued to hold Thomas Jr. long after he fell back asleep, cherishing each second. The playful feelings inside her soon turned very serious, almost overwhelming. She knew then that God had blessed her with that moment to create that special bond between parent and child. Anna may not have carried Thomas Jr. in her womb but she would make up for it, even if that meant holding him in the middle of the night to feel his warm body and listen to his soft breathing.
Anna put Thomas Jr. back down and went back to bed with Thomas, facing him as he slept on his back. She reached and touched his cheek, drawing a line down his face and along his jaw.
She loved Thomas with all her heart.
She loved Thomas Jr. with all her heart too.
To Anna that may have been the very instance when she truly became wife and mother.
West For Love (A Mail Order Romance Novel) (1) (Anna & Thomas) Page 12