Chapter Twelve
The next morning when Jo came into the kitchen holding Thomas Jr. she smiled at Anna and asked her, “Did you feed Thomas Jr. last night?”
Anna smiled back and shook her head. “You know I can’t...”
“Wasn’t sure. You never woke me. Hey, if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.”
Jo took Thomas Jr. into the dining room. As Anna went back to preparing breakfast for her family - her family! - she touched her stomach.
What made it happen to Jo? What gave her the ability to breastfeed without carrying a child? Could it happen to Anna?
It was too exciting of a thought because Anna knew she’d be let down. It’d be like the men going west to California with their eyes set on gold, thinking they’d be rich in days after setting foot there.
Anna knew the only way she’d ever have a chance to breastfeed a baby would be her own if she were able to get pregnant. And that thought sucked the air out of her. Her spirits were actually crushed by the time she served breakfast. The only things that brought life back to her soul were watching Thomas Jr.’s big smile and seeing Thomas seated at the head of the table, his eyes following Anna’s every move. It made her feel that perhaps Thomas felt the same way for Anna that she felt for him.
“We have to go into town today,” Thomas said. “To mail Anna’s letters, and I need supplies. Josephine, would you be willing to help with Thomas Jr. during this time? Anna and I have something to speak of.”
Anna looked at Thomas, feeling confused. She didn’t remember needing to speak to Thomas about anything. Unless... unless he knew about her getting up with Thomas Jr. in the middle of the night. Did it bother him? Hurt him? Anna doubted herself, wondering if holding the baby as long as she did would have an adverse effect on his sleeping or feeding patterns. Anna’s appetite disappeared as she started to come to the realization that she knew nothing of being a mother. It wasn’t just about holding, kissing, loving. It was so much more. It was understanding the baby’s habits. Teaching and training. Making tough decisions.
Jo had easily agreed to care for Thomas Jr. while Thomas and Anna rode into town. But Anna wasn’t so sure she wanted to have the alone time with her husband then. She feared him growing angry. Somewhere in the back of her mind she felt that if one man could divorce her, what would stop another from doing the same? All Anna could picture was her sister receiving the letter telling her how happy she was only then to return home a short time later, divorced and let down again. Oh, how much would that crush Abigail?
By the time Anna climbed the carriage and waited for Thomas to sit next to her, she had a burning feeling in her stomach that she may never see the house, Jo, or Thomas Jr. again. It was a silly thought to harbor, but it wouldn’t leave her alone. Even after their journey began and Thomas sat silent for the first few minutes, the thoughts plagued Anna.
“Thomas, I’m sorry if I messed anything up last night.”
“What do you mean?” Thomas asked.
“With Thomas Jr..”
“I don’t understand.”
“He woke. I heard him. So I held him and rocked him back to sleep and spoke to him. I hope that didn’t change his sleeping pattern. Or feeding pattern. Or...”
“I didn’t even realize,” Thomas said. His face looked drawn and defeated. “Does he get up a lot?”
“No,” Anna said. “That was the first I heard.”
“And I didn’t hear,” Thomas whispered. “I’m his father...”
“You were tired,” Anna said. “I was there. And Jo.”
“But you took care of it,” Thomas said. He looked at Anna. “Like a mother would. And should.”
“Yes,” Anna said.
“What did you say to him? To Thomas Jr.?”
Anna swallowed. She didn’t want to lie to her husband. No matter what.
“I told him how I love him. How I... how I love you, Thomas. How I want to be his mother but I’ll never let him forget who birthed him.”
“You mean that?” Thomas asked.
“Of course I do! I would never push someone else away. Just because she’s not here doesn’t mean she’s not here... does that make sense?”
Thomas didn’t respond. He tugged on the reigns and the horse pulling the carriage came to a slow stop. When Thomas looked at Anna, she saw his eyes were glazed over. Ready to spill tears.
“How did I get so lucky in my life? Twice at that?”
“You deserve it,” Anna said.
“Oh, my Anna,” Thomas said. He touched Anna’s cheek. “You’re such a beautiful woman. A perfect woman. And I said I had something for you today, and I do.”
“You don’t have to give me anything,” Anna said. “I have all I need.”
“No, you need the truth,” Thomas said. “Anna, I’m going to tell you about my wife.”
The words struck Anna like a blistering cold Massachusetts wind in the dead of January. It crippled her for a few seconds.
“You don’t have to,” Anna said.
Thomas ordered the horse to move again. “I want to. I read your letters, Anna. You’re worried that you’ll have to be her. That’s terribly wrong. I would never want someone to be Rachel. She was her own woman, she was here, and now she resides with God. That’s my reality I face.”
“You’re not alone in that reality,” Anna said.
“I know I’m not.”
“May I ask questions?”
“Please do.”
“What did she look like?”
“She was tall and beautiful, Anna. She had dark hair that ran past her shoulders in a brilliant way. Dark eyes, long fingers, a gentle touch and heart to match. I met her right after settling here. I purposely would go to town for supplies I didn’t need just to have a chance to see her. She was here for a short stay and left. It crushed me. I spent an entire year working outside trying to bury the lonely feeling only to go into town one day to get mail and find her there, looking for me.”
“That’s such a beautiful story,” Anna said.
Much more beautiful than meeting a woman in a letter...
“The rest I’m sure you can understand.”
“May I ask where everything happened?” Anna asked.
“If you’re wondering about the bed, it didn’t happen there. You see, Rachel woke one morning with terrible pains in her stomach. I feared for her and the baby. We rushed to town and she went to the local doctor’s house to be checked. I was told I’d be a father very shortly. It was all too exciting until I heard the sound of Thomas Jr. crying and didn’t hear the sound of Rachel crying or celebrating. She... she just didn’t make it. Too much bleeding is what the doctor told me.”
“Thomas, you don’t have to...”
“I do,” Thomas said. “I do.” He paused for a few seconds. The only sound was the wheels of carriage crushing small stones into dirt beneath them. “I held her long before I held my son. The doctor thankfully rushed to find Josephine, who quite honestly saved my son’s life. And mine too in so many ways. I held Rachel for hours and then I had to make all the necessary arrangements for her burial. With that, I was left with a child to raise.”
“I’m so happy Jo was there for you,” Anna said. “If you weren’t here, Thomas, I’d... I’d be lost.”
“Anna, I’ve never felt the way I do right now,” Thomas said.
The town came into view. Anna knew there wasn’t much time left for their conversation.
“There’s a feeling I’ve been fighting,” Thomas said. “I look at you and everything keeps changing, for the better. I don’t know how to let her go and not lose her forever.”
“You have Thomas Jr.,” Anna said. “That’s God’s way of making sure she’s present everyday in your life.”
“I want you to mother Thomas Jr.,” Thomas said. “Without worry or remorse.”
“If you want that, I’ll do it.”
They came to a stop a few minutes later at which point Thomas took Anna by he
r hand. Anna could sense something happening, she just didn’t know what.
“Anna, I have something to say,” Thomas said.
“Please,” Anna replied.
“You’re not just my wife. I love you, Anna.”
Such an important thing for Thomas to say as he stepped down from the carriage. Anna could barely think straight. Walking through town, as husband and wife, Thomas slipped his hand into Anna’s. Anna couldn’t help but notice how Thomas nodded to everyone, said his hellos and goodbyes to everyone he spoke with. At the post office, Anna took out the leftover money from Thomas to pay for the postage but Thomas refused. He insisted on paying. Perhaps it was his way of entering her family too. Anna knew she’d never see her family again - and that included Mary, which sadly did hurt her - but the gesture from Thomas meant the world to her.
Anna gathered plenty of food for the house, as Thomas insisted she do. He never failed to mention how good Anna’s cooking was. Anna secretly enjoyed the attention because she hoped it compensated for what she couldn’t provide. The day went along in a giant blur, but a good one at that. It was the first time Anna came to town and felt part of it. It was the first time she really felt people looked at her and appreciated her. People looked at she and Thomas and they all smiled, knowing Thomas’s tragedy and nothing more. And that was okay with Anna. She didn’t need to share her story and take away from Thomas. He was the most important person in that town as far as she was concerned.
Once they boarded the carriage again and Thomas commanded the horse to travel, Anna found herself actually yawning. She was tired! It had been that kind of day, a long but satisfying day, physically, mentally, and even spiritually.
“To speak of your letters again,” Thomas said, interrupting a peaceful Kansas silence and scenery.
“Yes,” Anna said.
“I would never compare you to Rachel,” Thomas said. “I would never expect you to be Rachel. I would never ask you for that.”
“Thank you,” Anna said. “I’d say the same about William, but it would be unfair to you. William was cruel and you, Thomas, are a great man.”
“So that was forced?”
Now Anna suddenly had the tables turned on her. “Yes,” she said. “He wanted something from me and my parents sought to better themselves financially and socially. I can’t hate them for it because without the marriage - even though it ended - my parents would have lost their farm and house.”
“That’s a terrible story to hear,” Thomas said. “A year of that.”
“A whole year. By the end of it, I was mostly numb. I hated myself for not having a child. I felt my purpose in the world hadn’t been given to me. And nobody helped me until I met Mary.”
“Well, my Anna, you have purpose,” Thomas said. “You have a lot of purpose.”
The rest of the ride was casual conversation, mostly Anna asking random questions about farming, loving how excited Thomas got when he spoke about it. How his eyes lit up, how his hands moved, sometimes even confusing the horse. By the time they were back to the house, Anna knew three things.
One, Thomas loved Thomas Jr. with all his heart.
Two, Thomas loved to farm and provide for his family.
Three, Anna felt like she had a home and a family.
Finally.
That evening Anna cooked a large meal, enough to feed a family twice the size she belonged to. It pained her to cook so much for so few people but Thomas insisted. Everyone ate until they were full and beyond, flirting with the cardinal sin of gluttony, but it certainly felt good. It felt good to have work and love come together and allow something good to happen. Thomas Jr. smiled at his father and Anna even played a game with the infant, holding a piece of cloth up to her face and dropping it fast, making sounds, sending Thomas Jr. into fits of laughter that were just too addicting for anyone else to pass up.
By the time the game came to an end, Jo had to wipe her eyes of tears, Thomas had to catch his breath, and poor Thomas Jr. had a bought of hiccups. Anna then stood to clear the table, loving the atmosphere of the house.
That night after Jo fed Thomas Jr. before retiring for the evening, she found Anna and handed her the baby.
“He’s all yours,” Jo said.
“Mine? Have you fed him?”
Anna’s sudden motherly instincts wanted to make sure Thomas Jr. was properly cared for.
“Of course I did,” Jo said, so calmly. “I normally rock him to sleep. But that’s no longer my job. His mother should do that.”
His mother.
Two words that felt as powerful as when Thomas spoke I love you.
Anna took Thomas Jr. into her arms and watched as Jo left. Anna began rocking the baby and stared down at him. She wasn’t sure she should say anything as his eyes looked heavy and ready to close any second. She went back to humming the same set of notes from the night before and in the matter of a second, Thomas Jr. was asleep.
Anna took the baby - her son - to the nursery and properly set him down for a night’s rest. She did take a minute or two to stare at the sleeping infant. She felt something powerful. The kind of love she’d been wanting to feel for such a long time.
A short while later, Anna was in bed next to Thomas. His hand interlocked with hers. They were both silent but awake. Anna knew Thomas was awake by the movement of his hand. He kept moving his fingers, sometimes rubbing Anna’s hand, sometimes tickling her. Either way, he touched her and Anna wanted it.
When the bed shook and Anna felt Thomas’s breath on her neck, all her nerves began to tingle. From her toes to her hair, she felt something happening. The attraction was like electricity in her body. A moment later, Thomas’s lips kissed her neck and slowly moved down to her shoulder.
“Oh, my Anna,” Thomas said, “how I love you right now.”
“I love you too, Thomas,” Anna said.
She turned her head and saw the faintest outline of her husband. It was him and that’s all that mattered. They kissed and casually began to embrace. When Thomas’s lips parted, forcing Anna’s to do the same, Anna knew things were going to move beyond a kiss or a casual whisper.
The feeling buried inside her had been almost aching for Thomas.
His hands began to touch Anna everywhere, helping her tonight to take her nightgown off. Once it fell from her body, Thomas’s strong hands touched her breasts. He cupped her breasts and his callused thumbs teased at her nipples, sending a wild sensation running through her body. His lips didn’t leave her lips, only breaking for a short minute as Thomas stripped off his own clothing. But even then his lips were right back to hers, easing Anna’s head down to the bed as he climbed on top of her. Anna opened her legs, almost with too much eagerness. She almost felt wrong for wanting Thomas so bad. But then Thomas placed his body to hers and all those thoughts were torn away. They didn’t matter at all as Thomas entered Anna. It felt like it had been years, instead of days, and Anna let Thomas know that by the loud moan she offered. It echoed in the room and Thomas placed his mouth to Anna’s ear.
“My Anna,” he whispered, “you’ll wake our son...”
Our son.
Anna held Thomas at his tough shoulders, his warm skin hard with muscle as he loved her body. Anna placed her lips next to her hand at his shoulder and used his body to muffle her sounds of enjoyment.
And that’s what it was... enjoyment.
Each second that went by she felt closer to Thomas. Their passion wasn’t afraid to show now that everything had been set free. In those heated moments together, feeling Thomas move at her with a speed and thrust that took her breath and made her feel more alive, she knew why Thomas spoke to her when he did.
They had spoken while they traveled, leaving it all out there, on the road.
In the house, in the room, in the bed, that’s where they created something new.
Thomas came and kissed Anna long after their passion ended. When he finally did roll off her body and fall asleep, Anna felt a wild spark surge thro
ugh her body. Her eyes shut as she prayed, simply thanking God for all she had.
West For Love (A Mail Order Romance Novel) (1) (Anna & Thomas) Page 13