Blackmailed into the Marriage Bed

by MELANIE MILBURNE

  But she had a horrible feeling it might be several months before she would be drinking alcohol again. Was this how her mother had felt, finding out she was pregnant? Feeling dread and shock and anguish instead of joy and excitement? She couldn’t help feeling a wave of sadness for her mother. For how isolated and desperate she must have felt, unable to tell anyone what had happened to her and then the double blow of finding out she was pregnant. Her mother had said it had been too late to have a termination but why hadn’t she put her up for adoption instead?

  Maybe Vinn was right—she should try and talk to her mother. Even if she shut down the conversation, at least Ailsa would have tried instead of letting things go on the way they were for God knew how many more years.

  She took out her phone on the walk back to Vinn’s villa. She had never felt the need to talk to her mother as she did then and a wave of relief flooded her when she finally picked up on the seventh ring. ‘Mum?’

  ‘Ailsa...’ Her mother sounded a little distracted and Ailsa wondered if she had someone with her. A new man in her life perhaps?

  ‘Is this a bad time to call?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Mum...can I ask you something?’

  ‘What’s wrong? You sound upset. Is everything working out between you and—?’

  Ailsa took a steadying breath. ‘Why didn’t you have me adopted? Did you ever think of—?’

  ‘I did think of it...in the early days, but as the pregnancy went on I felt I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘So you...you wanted me?’

  ‘I would be lying if I said I was completely happy about being pregnant,’ her mother said. ‘I wasn’t the earth mother type. I wanted children but I probably wouldn’t have been miserable without them either. But about six months into the pregnancy I knew I would never be able to let you go to someone else. But why are you asking me this now?’

  ‘Mum, I think I’m pregnant,’ Ailsa said. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Have you done a test?’

  ‘Not yet. I just bought one. I just wanted to talk to someone...you, actually.’

  ‘Oh, Ailsa...’ Her mother gave a sigh. ‘I’m probably not the best person to talk to. I felt so ambivalent about being pregnant with you and I know it’s probably affected our relationship but—’

  ‘I know and that’s completely understandable,’ Ailsa said. ‘It must have been awful, so terrifying to know you had to carry a child you didn’t want to term.’

  ‘It wasn’t just because of the...because of what happened,’ her mother said. ‘I was the same when I fell pregnant with Isaac. I’m not the nurturing type. I feel ashamed of it but I can’t change it. It’s hardwired into my personality. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you and Isaac. I don’t regret going ahead with the pregnancy. It was hard and I was in denial for a long time about how it affected me, but I’m glad I had you. I guess I’m not that good at showing it. But maybe you can help me work on that... I mean, if you’d like to?’

  ‘I would love to,’ Ailsa said, suddenly overcome with emotion. ‘I’ll do the test and let you know the results, okay?’

  She ended the call with a bubble of hope expanding in her chest. Hope for a better relationship with her mother, hope for a future with Vinn.

  Hope for a child.

  * * *

  Vinn’s trip to the hospital to visit his grandfather was cut short because Nonno’s specialists were doing a ward round. His grandfather had developed a slight temperature overnight and since Ailsa had some sort of virus, in spite of the thoroughness of the hygiene procedure on entering the ward, he thought it would be best to come back the following day when his grandfather was feeling better. His grandfather seemed more concerned about Ailsa than his own health when Vinn told him.

  ‘Send her my love and tell her I hope she feels better soon,’ Nonno said.

  ‘Will do. Take care of yourself. I’ll be in tomorrow and Ailsa will too if she’s feeling well enough.’

  Vinn decided to swing by a local florist on his way home and pick up some flowers for Ailsa. She’d looked so peaky and unwell and he thought a bunch of spring flowers would lift her spirits.

  Two weeks had passed and he was becoming more and more conscious of the clock ticking on their relationship. It was way too early to know if his grandfather was out of danger—there were always things that could go wrong and he was still being closely monitored. Vinn wished now he’d insisted on the three months as he’d first proposed. That would have given him ample time to get his grandfather out of hospital and set up in the independent living apartment he’d bought for him so there would be twenty-four-hour medical care on hand.

  Could he ask Ailsa to reconsider? They could come to some arrangement if she needed to go back to London for work. He could even go with her as he’d long thought about setting up a UK branch of his furniture business.

  His mind started to run with the possibility of postponing the divorce, even taking it off the table altogether. They were a functional couple now. They communicated better than they ever had before and their sex life was as good, if not better, than when they were first married. And now that Ailsa had told him about her background, he realised how wrong it would have been to bring children into their marriage back then. But could he settle for a life without children? Could he take the risk that she might never change her mind?

  His grandfather was in the winter of his life and his greatest wish was for a great-grandchild to hold before he died. But it was Vinn’s wish too. He wanted to hold his own child in his arms, to share the bond of a child with Ailsa because he couldn’t imagine wanting a child with anyone else.

  But she doesn’t love you.

  Vinn shoved the thought aside. What did romantic love have to do with it? That sort of love was fleeting anyway. It often didn’t last beyond the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Caring for someone, providing for them, sharing your life with them and creating and raising a family with them required commitment and steadfastness and maturity.

  Two years ago, he hadn’t understood Ailsa’s reluctance to commit to having a family. But he did now and he couldn’t see any reason why they couldn’t work through it and, even if they didn’t end up having kids, at least they would have made that decision together. Their relationship had undergone a change, a remodelling that made him look forward to coming home to her. He might not love her in the Hollywood movie sense but he damn well cared about her and wanted her in his life.

  Not just for a month. Not just for three months.

  For ever.

  CHAPTER NINE

  AILSA WAS IN one of the guest bathrooms upstairs when she heard Vinn’s footsteps on the stairs. Her heart began to race. She hadn’t had time to do the test; she had barely had time to read the instructions. What was he doing home so soon? Normally he stayed a couple of hours at the hospital with his grandfather. She quickly bundled the test back into the paper bag and shoved it into the cupboard under the marble basin.

  ‘Ailsa?’ Vinn’s knuckles rapped on the bathroom door. ‘Are you okay?’

  She took a calming breath. ‘Yes...j-just finishing up in here.’ She flushed the toilet and then turned on the taps in the guise of washing her hands. Her hand crept to her abdomen... She had always been so adamant about not wanting children but she had never been pregnant before, or even suspected she was pregnant.

  What if Vinn’s DNA was this very minute getting it on with hers? What if a tiny being was being fashioned inside her womb, a tiny embryo that would one day lift up its little chubby arms and call her Mummy?

  Ailsa bit her lip so hard she thought she’d break the skin. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She’d been fine with her decision not to have kids when she wasn’t pregnant. Falling pregnant changed everything.

  It changed her.

  ‘Ailsa. Open the door.’

/>   Her heart leapt to her throat and pushed out the sob she’d been holding there. ‘Go away. I’ll be out in a minute.’

  ‘No. I will not go away.’ Vinn’s voice had a steely edge to it that made her heart thump all the harder.

  Ailsa blew out a breath, put on her game face and opened the door. ‘What does a girl have to do around here to get a little privacy?’

  His concerned gaze ran over her. ‘Why have you locked yourself in here? Have you been sick?’

  Ailsa found it hard to hold his gaze. How could she tell him before she knew for sure? Or should she tell him? It was a set of scales tipping back and forth inside her head—Tell him. Don’t tell him. Tell him. Don’t tell him. She let go of a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. ‘I... I went to the pharmacy.’

  ‘I have painkillers here if only you’d asked me to—’

  ‘Not for painkillers.’ She took another breath and let it out in a rush. ‘For a pregnancy test.’

  Shock rippled over his features, but then his eyes lit up and a broad smile broke over his face. ‘You’re pregnant? Really? But, tesoro, that’s wonderful. I was on my way home to ask you to call off the divorce so we can start again.’

  He wanted to start again? Oh, the irony of his timing. Had he made that decision before or just now when he thought there was a chance she could be pregnant? How could she trust his offer was centred on his feelings for her, not his family-making plans? How could she accept knowing the one thing he wanted was a child, not the mother who came with it—her?

  ‘I haven’t done the test yet,’ Ailsa said. ‘I was about to when you started hammering on the door.’

  He took her by the upper arms in a gentle hold, his face still wreathed in a smile. ‘Sorry about that, cara. I was worried about you. Let’s do the test now, shall we? It’ll be fun doing it together—finding out at the same moment.’

  Ailsa chewed at her lip. ‘Don’t get too excited, Vinn.’

  His fingers tightened on her arms. ‘You’re not thinking about terminating?’

  She pulled out of his hold and rubbed at her arms as if his touch had hurt her. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’m not going to terminate.’

  He reached for her again and his hands began a slow stroke of her arms. ‘Let’s do the test so we know one way or the other.’

  Ailsa sighed and, pulling away, walked back to the bathroom where she’d stashed the test kits. He waited outside while she collected the sample of urine and then she opened the door again so he could join her as the test was processed.

  ‘Is that two lines?’ Vinn said, standing so close to her she could feel him all but shaking with excitement.

  ‘No, it’s too early.’ Ailsa could feel her stomach doing cartwheels, her emotions in such turmoil she could barely breathe. It was as if she were holding her destiny in her hands. Two lines would mean she was to become a mother. Two lines that would change her life for ever.

  There weren’t two lines.

  The wand stayed negative.

  Ailsa could feel Vinn’s disappointment by the way his breath left his body. She could feel her own disappointment coursing through her, making it hard for her to process her emotions. She should be feeling relieved, not disappointed. This was good news...wasn’t it?

  No. Because the one thing she wanted was a baby. But not with a man who didn’t love her, who only wanted her now because she was the one who got away.

  She didn’t just want a baby. She wanted Vinn to love her the way she loved him. The way she had always loved him. How could she settle for a rerun of their marriage when nothing had changed? Sure, he knew about her past and she knew a bit more about his, but it hadn’t made him fall in love with her. He hadn’t said anything about loving her.

  ‘Don’t worry, cara,’ Vinn said, winding an arm around her waist. ‘We’ll keep trying for a baby. It’ll happen sooner or later.’

  Ailsa moved out of his hold. ‘Vinn, stop. Stop planning my future for me without asking me what I want.’

  His expression flickered and then reset itself to frowning. ‘What are you saying? You wanted that baby. I know you did. I could see it in your eyes, damn it, I could feel it in your body. You’re as disappointed as me. I know you are.’

  She saw no reason to deny it, not even to herself. The time for denial was over. She had to be clear about what she wanted and not settle for anything less. ‘You’re right. I do want a baby. But I want to have a baby with a man who loves me more than anything else. You’re not that man. You’ve told me yourself you can never be that man.’

  ‘But we’ll be great parents, cara,’ Vinn said. ‘We’re great together. So what if neither of us is in love with each other? We want each other, we respect each other. Surely that is something to build on?’

  Ailsa let out a frustrated sigh. ‘I can’t be with a man who refuses to love me. Who fights against it as if it’s some sort of deadly virus. I want to be loved for me, Vinn. For me with all my faults and foibles.’

  ‘I care about you, Ailsa. You surely don’t doubt that?’

  ‘You can’t say the words, can you? What is so terrifying about admitting you feel more for me than just caring about my welfare?’

  ‘But I do care about you. I always have—’

  She let out a laugh that was borderline hysterical. ‘You “care” about me.’ She put her fingers up in air quotes. ‘What does “care” really mean? I’ll tell you what it means. It means you don’t love me. It means you won’t love me. You’re not capable or not willing to love me.’

  ‘But you don’t love me either so what’s the problem?’

  Ailsa shook her head at him, exasperated by his inability to see what was staring him in the face. But she wasn’t going to say it. She wasn’t going to tell him she loved him only for him to throw that love back in her face. To have him cheapen her love by offering a relationship that was loveless. ‘I’m going back to London, Vinn. Today. I’m sorry if it upsets your grandfather but I’m sure he’ll understand I can’t do this. I can’t be in a marriage like this. I deserve more and so do you.’

  Vinn’s expression went through various makeovers. First it looked blank, then angry, then shocked and then back to angry again. ‘So. You’re leaving.’ His tone was clipped as if he was making an enormous effort to control himself. ‘You do happen to realise what will happen to your brother’s sponsorship if you walk out that door?’

  ‘Yes, but I’m hoping you won’t punish Isaac because you and I can’t be together,’ Ailsa said. ‘And as to the money you gave me...of course I’ll give it back.’

  ‘Keep it.’ His lips were so tight it was as if he was spitting out lemon pips instead of words. ‘You’ve earned it.’

  ‘There’s no need to be insulting,’ Ailsa said, stung by his cruel words. ‘But this is exactly why I’m calling it off now before we end up doing even worse to each other. I don’t want our divorce to be long and drawn-out and uncivilised. We can be better than that.’

  His look was so cutting Ailsa was surprised she didn’t end up in little slices on the floor. ‘Civilised you say? Then you married the wrong man.’

  And, without another word, he turned and left her with just her regrets and heartbreak for company.

  * * *

  Vinn was so furious he wanted to punch a hole in the nearest wall. She was leaving. Again. She had called time on their relationship in the same half hour when he’d seen a glimpse of the future they could have had together.

  A future with children.

  A family.

  The family he wanted more than he wanted success.

  But no. She was leaving because she had never intended to come back. He had made her come back. Lured her and blackmailed her, hoping it would change her mind, hoping it would make her see how good they were together.

  So she wanted to be civilised about their
divorce, did she? He wasn’t feeling too civilised right now. He felt every emotion he had locked down deep inside was about to explode out of him. Was it his fault he couldn’t say the words she wanted to hear? Was it his fault he had taught himself not to feel love in case it was taken away? How could he switch the ability to love back on? The loss of his mother so young had permanently changed him. It had flicked a switch inside him and he could no longer find the control board to switch it back on again. Loving and losing were so inextricably linked inside his head that he couldn’t untangle them, no matter how hard he tried.

  He had been so looking forward to seeing his grandfather with the news of Ailsa’s pregnancy. He had pictured it in his mind, imagining how delighted Nonno would be to hear the news of the baby. But there wasn’t going to be a baby. There wasn’t even going to be a marriage any more.

  He had failed.

  He had failed to win her back and he had failed his grandfather.

  He would have to give Ailsa the divorce. He had no choice, the law saw to that. The only consolation was she would have to wait another two years.

  He hoped they would be as miserable for her as the last two had been for him.

  * * *

  Ailsa got off the plane in London with a raging temperature and a splitting headache. The bug that had been masquerading as a baby hit her during the flight and she’d curled up in her seat under a blanket and wondered if she had ever felt this miserable.

  No. Never. Not even when she’d left Vinn the first time. This was much harder, much more painful because, along with losing Vinn, she’d lost the future she’d longed for. Why couldn’t he love her? Was she so awful, so abnormal that he couldn’t bring himself to love her?

  Even as she’d boarded the plane in Milan she’d hoped he would come after her and tell her he’d made a mistake. But he hadn’t. She’d stared at the entrance of the boarding gate as she had stared at the wand of that test kit. Wanting something to happen didn’t make it happen. It either happened or it didn’t.

  Vinn didn’t love her and she had best get over her disappointment. She’d done it before and she would do it again.