Fighting To Stay

by P. J. Belden

  Pushing our food to the other side of the island, he lifts me from my seat and sets me in front of him. Kissing me lightly on the lips, looking deep into my eyes.

  “Baby, you need to calm down. Rome was not built in a day, sweetheart. Many of those have solutions. What is one thing you would like solved right now? Just one.”

  Huffing in frustration, I look up at the ceiling. I decide to be realistic and not say what I’d really want to happen. “Well, since I know what I want to be solved right now, won’t be, I’ll go for the more realistic approach. A place to live because my apartment is no longer my home.”

  He smiles. “Well, how about you move in with me? Now before you turn me down, I love you so much. I love falling asleep with you in my arms and waking the same way.”

  Dropping my head, I fight the urge to cry. “I can’t move in with you Garrett.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because.”

  “Because why? I mean, I love you and you love me. I don’t see the problem with it.”

  “I just can’t. I’ll stay here for a little bit, but I can’t move in with you. Not yet. Not right now.”

  Garrett looks down, sighs, and then stands. Watching as he collects the plates and places them in the sink, I chew on my lip. Resting his arms on the edge of the counter, he takes a deep breath.

  “Are you… Are we…” he sighs again before turning around to face me. “Never mind, I have some case files that I need to look at. I’ll be up to bed in a little bit. Your appointment is at nine.”

  He walks out of the kitchen, leaving me stunned by his mood change. What just happened there? My emotions are on overdrive lately and all I want to do is curl into a ball and never wake up.

  Sliding off the stool, I walk out of the kitchen and sneak down the way he had gone. Seeing a cracked door, I quietly move to peer in. Sitting behind a big desk is Garrett, he’s staring down at files in front of him. As he looks through the pages, he keeps running his hands through his hair.

  The look on his face is sadness. The thought of making him sad has me wanting to run into the room curl around him and tell him how sorry I am. Right now, my head is telling my heart that putting distance between us is exactly what I need to do at this moment. Even as my heart loses a piece with every beat.

  Turning, I head upstairs to the room he brought me in a few hours ago. The blankets are still strung all over the place. Gathering up everything, I quickly make the bed. Climbing in, I try to force myself to sleep.

  Sometime later, I see his shadow appear on the wall across from the bed. Slowly, I roll over and pretend to be asleep. Peaking at him through the slits of my eyes, I watch him watching me. Working hard, I keep my breaths deep and even.

  Slowly, he walks towards me. When he reaches the edge of the bed, he pulls the covers over me completely. Leaning down, he kisses me softly, lingering there for a few seconds.

  “I love you. No matter what, I always will,” he whispers before walking out of the room.

  My eyes fill with tears and I cry myself to sleep.

  Waking the next morning to the sound of the alarm, I groan sitting up. Tears immediately fill my eyes at the sight of the empty, never laid in spot next to me.

  He never came to bed.

  Wiping away the tears, I climb from the bed and head into the bathroom for a much-needed shower. After standing in there letting the hot water beat down on me, I wash and finish my shower.

  Once I have dressed, I head downstairs to find Garrett. When I found no one in the kitchen, I head down to his office, but there’s no one in there either. Walking back into the kitchen, I slump onto one of the stools. My heart is breaking one sliver at a time. That’s when I see the note.

  Dee,

  I had to be in early this morning, but I have a car coming to pick you up for your appointment. Please make yourself at home. I don’t know what time I will be home tonight, but here’s a key. You’ll be fine today. Enjoy the day. ~Garrett

  He just left me here. Would he have done that had whatever happened last night not happened? Did he ever come to bed? Why do I feel like I’ve just lost a piece of myself?

  Not even bothering to see what there is to eat, I grab my purse and head out the door. I’m not even sure where I am at right now, but I’ll figure it out.

  On pure instinct, I turn right and head toward the end of the road. Once I get to the end and see the street I am on, I know the way to go to get to my appointment.

  The walk is long and I am completely drained by the time that I get there, but I didn’t care. I’m not taking this shit.

  After a few minutes, I’m checked in and called back to the ‘chemo room’. Once they explain what they are doing and I am hooked up to the chemo drip, I put my iPod in and start listening to music. Grabbing my notebook, I start to write.

  I fell in love with a man

  That made me feel.

  He gave me hope, helped me understand

  Gave me a reason to see it all was real.

  I fell in love with this guy

  That saw past the tears.

  He pushed away all of the why’s

  Making me ignore my fears.

  Oh I fell in love with a man

  That fell out with me.

  Making me believe that I can

  Trust everything that may be.

  But instead he steals my heart

  And tears my world apart.

  Oh I fell in love with a man

  Only for him to break me inside.

  I’ve lost myself and who I used to be.

  My soul has holes that can’t be sealed.

  I quickly see that love isn’t real.

  Love is not meant for someone like me.

  Not meant for one that already sees the end

  And definitely not for the one I used to call a friend.

  Oh I fell in love with my best friend

  For my heart to be broken and to find the end.

  Setting my notebook down, I lean my head back and close my eyes. The tears stream down my face and I don’t care who sees. The woman that sits in this chair is empty and alone.

  Before I knew it, my time is done. The nurse has to wake me because at some point I fell asleep. Dizzy and tired, I stand and head toward the exit.

  “Do you have a ride, Ms. Bryner?”

  Taking a deep breath, I smile. “I do. Thank you. See you the same time next week.”

  As I’m walking out, I see Garrett sitting behind a desk in a room off to the right of where I was at. He looks exhausted. Shaking my head, I keep on moving.

  Once I’m out of the building, I pull out my cell phone. I dial the number for one of our hotels in our little town. Once I’ve made my reservation, I turn and head to work.

  There is no way I am not going to work. Not now that I have to live in a hotel. When I arrive, my boss is shocked to see me.

  “Donna, you…”

  I cut her off. “I’m here because I can’t handle my thoughts right now. I will work at my desk and only on the cases I currently have open, but please don’t tell me I can’t come in.”

  Evie seems to be struggling with her decision and I begin to worry that she just might not let me. After a few minutes, she starts to nod her head.

  “Fine you can stay. You work in your office. You take on no new clients and if you feel ill, you leave. Do I make myself clear?”

  “Crystal,” I smile.

  “I will let you work however often you can as much as you can, but I will not tolerate you abusing yourself. Believe me; I get the need to push away the thoughts. Remember, I just went through the same thing three years ago. I’m here if you need me, but please don’t push yourself.”

  Smiling at her, I promise that I will not do anything that would jeopardize either my work or me. Once she is satisfied, I walk back to my office and shut my door. Quickly, pulling up a client, I begin to work.

  For the past four years, I’ve worked here creating websites for companies and people,
some pretty high end clients. When I first started here, I thought I was going to be working directly with celebrities. I quickly realized their representatives handle everything, never them.

  Unsure of how long I work, I start to feel sick to my stomach. Walking over to the couch in my office, I lie down and quickly fall asleep.

  A loud buzzing noise wakes me from my nap. Sitting up, it’s dark outside. I still feel so damn drained. The loud buzzing noise continues to go off. Looking around, I see my phone lit up. Getting off the couch, I stumble slightly.

  By the time I get to my desk, the phone stops buzzing. Grabbing it, I’m shocked to see that it’s eight in the evening. Opening the alerts at the top of my phone, I see that I have several missed calls from Garrett. Pressing the symbol to view the fifty text messages, I’m stunned to see they are all from Garrett.

  Gathering my things, I head out of the office. Locking the doors up, the cool night air hits me like a ton of bricks. Normally, this would not have bothered me, but I’m just not feeling well tonight.

  After walking for a little while, I sit down on a bench. Pulling out my phone, I view his messages.

  Garrett: You left your notebook when you left.

  Garrett: I’ve not fallen out of love with you, baby. Please write me back.

  Skipping through them as they grow in concern.

  Garrett: You left your key on the counter, I’ve not heard from you. Baby, I’m worried. I love you. Please come back.

  The messages continue with him freaking out about where I’m at and if I’m okay. He hurt me last night, but I’m not the kind of person that 'gets even'. Yes, I’m stubborn as hell, but not mean. Dialing his number, I wait for his answer.

  “Oh my God, Dee, where are you?” He immediately asks his voice frantic.

  “You hurt me,” I whisper.

  “I didn’t mean to baby. Can we talk about this face to face though? I need to know you’re okay. Where are you?”

  “I’ll be there in a little bit,” I say softly.

  “Baby, let me…”

  Hanging up the phone, I take a deep breath, push myself from the bench, and start in the direction of his house. I need this time to think. To use this time to work through my head on what needs to be said in hopes that I don't get it all jumbled.

  After a little while, I see headlights heading in my direction. I’m not sure why, but my heart is telling me it is Garrett. Stopping where I am standing. The truck pulls over and stops a few feet in front of me.

  The driver’s side door opens and there he is running toward me. For whatever reason, I couldn’t move. Instead, I stand there as he jogs towards me.

  “Dee? Baby?” He calls before reaching me.

  Once in front of me, he wraps me in his arms and I break. Sagging into his arms, he scoops me up and carries me into the truck through the driver’s door. Not releasing me, Garrett puts the car into drive and whips around in the opposite direction he is facing.

  “Are you okay?” His voice cracks.

  Overwhelmed by sadness and so extremely tired, I can’t do anything but cry. His hand runs up and down my back, trying to calm me down.

  It was our fight that brought this all on—wasn't it? Alternatively, maybe it was from treatment you received today? I don’t know, but I feel like the world has suddenly crashed down on my head and slowly hammering it into the ground.

  Before I realize it, we are pulling into his driveway. He hasn’t said another word since asking if I was okay. Wordlessly, he carries me inside the house and upstairs to his room where he sets me down on his bed.

  “Dee?” Cupping my face in his hands, he lifts my head to get me to meet his eyes.

  Closing my eyes, I pull away from him. On shaking legs, I climb from the bed and walk over by the door. In case I need to make a quick exit, I didn’t want him in my way of doing that.

  “You hurt me,” I say softly.

  There is a long pause before any words are spoke between us. Just as quickly as I take a breath to say goodbye, he starts talking.

  “I don’t understand why you won’t move in with me.”

  “Why is it so important for me to move in here,” I half yell. “Please tell me that.”

  Garrett climbs off the bed and walks toward me. “It’s important because I love you. Because the thought of waking up without you in my arms kills me. Why is it so bad that I want you here with me?”

  Turning my head, I chew on my lip to keep from crying again. It doesn't matter how we try to avoid this, the reality of the situation is there. It kills me, but I can’t hurt him any longer.

  “I’m dying,” I scream.

  He reaches out to touch me and I bulk away from him. Sighing, he runs his hand through his hair before starting again.

  “You aren’t dying. You are only Stage 2 B. That is fully treatable and has a very high success rate of remission.”

  Whipping my head in his direction, I glare. “Fine, I may go into remission, but that fear, that lingering doubt will be there in the back of your head and mine. I may have to live this way, but you don’t. It isn’t fair to you. It’s best we just end this now before we get too attached.”

  He grabs a hold of my shoulders before I have a chance to pull away from him. “That is not happening. Not now, not ever.”

  “Why can’t you just let me go,” I sob.

  “Why do you want me to? You are my one and only. I do not care if you have one- year, one-month, or one-day left. I want you with me for whatever amount of time you have. Please don’t turn away from us because you are afraid I’ll get hurt. No matter if you walk away now or you…” he shakes his head and swallows hard. “It doesn’t matter. It’ll have the same results. Please don’t waste the time we have right now, together.”

  “But if I…”

  Garrett cuts me off by sealing his mouth firmly over mine. Holding me there, he kisses me with so much passion and love that my heart is fit to burst. I love this man, I truly do, but I hate the thought of hurting him.

  Breaking from the kiss, he rests his forehead against mine. “This isn’t a decision you can make alone. Not when my heart is just as involved as yours.”

  Reaching up my hands, I touch his face tenderly. “The thou—thought of hurting you kills me. I don’t want you hurt.” My emotions betray me.

  He kisses my nose softly, but doesn’t pull away. “You’d hurt me more walking away than anything else. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine; I’m not giving you up easily.”

  “I love you so much Garrett, but promise me that no matter what happens, you’ll carry on with your life. If I stay, that is what I need from you. A promise. Please,” I breathe looking up into his eyes.

  He’s mere centimeters from my face. His eyes looking deep into my soul, it seems. “We’ll be together until forever, so there’s no promise to keep. You are my life. It starts and ends with you,” he smiles softly.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  “I love you more than the sun heats the earth and moon lights the night. More than a wish on a star and a hope for tomorrow.” He kisses me deeply before pulling back slightly. “Move in with me, baby. I promise, I’ll always be here for you. Through everything, I promise.”

  Unable to speak, I nod my head. His smile is blinding. He kisses me again and leads me back over to the bed. Pulling down the covers, he helps me lay down.

  “Both of us need some sleep,” he says.

  “Did you even come to bed last night?”

  He slides into the bed next to me, wrapping me in his arms. “No, I watched you sleep. Then worried myself that you were going to walk away. Then I had a patient call for an emergency and had to leave. I didn’t want to, but it is my job.”

  “I saw you when I was leaving after my treatment.”

  His thumb brushes across my cheek as he moves a piece of hair from my face. “I was in the room while you were sleeping, checking on you. Um, I read what you wrote in your notebook. That was about me, wasn’t it?”
<
br />   Closing my eyes, I nod my head yes. “I thought… When you walked out of the kitchen last night…”

  “Hey,” he tips my head up and I open my eyes. “I’m in love with you so completely. One day, I need you to realize that,” he smiles. “Now, go to sleep. You need to rest as much as possible. Chemo can be very draining.”

  “That explains why I fell asleep in my office,” I joke.

  He laughs. “Yes, that could be it.”

  Pulling me tightly against him, he kisses the top of my head. Closing my eyes, I curl into his chest and before I know it, I’m falling asleep.

  My cramping stomach wakes me from my sleep. Tapping Garrett’s chest, he jerks awake.

  “What? What’s wrong?”

  “I think… I think I’m going to get sick,” I say as I gag.

  Garrett reaches over me and just as he gets the pale in front of me, I lose it. The whole time my stomach is emptying; he’s stroking my hair and telling me it’ll be okay.

  Once it all passes, Garrett sets the pale aside and I sag into his arms, my body still shaking from the exertion.

  “Shhh, I got you. It’s okay. I’m right here,” he whispers into my hair as he kisses my head repeatedly.

  “This sucks,” I force out through the massive chills.

  My teeth are chattering together. I’m so damn cold. It’s as if I am sitting outside in the dead of winter, surrounded by snow and I am naked.

  “I’m so cold,” I stutter out.

  “I know baby. Let me get you some of the clothes I bought for you today. I think there’s a sweats outfit in there.”

  “You’ll come back right,” I ask almost panicked.

  This is a feeling I am not used to and I’m not handling it well. I don’t like feeling so sick. In general, I’ve always been in good health. I’ve not really been sick over the course of my life so far. Garrett, right now, is my comfort, my familiarity in an unknown storm of feelings.