Fighting To Stay

by P. J. Belden

  Everything happens so quickly. The minute I see the officers with Vince and Fred, I leave the room. Quickly, I run out to Garrett.

  “Garrett,” I scream the minute I enter the room.

  He turns and quickly makes his way over to me, wrapping me in his warm comforting arms. It is over. It is finally over. Vince will forever be out of my life now.

  Treatments are now over. The cancer is gone and I’m scheduled for my mastectomy in two weeks. Garrett and I are doing amazing. We have been celebrating my being cancer free regularly. This man is a damn machine and I love it.

  Today, two months after my last treatment, I go in for a check up to get everything ready and set up for the surgery. I am just ready to get this all done and over with, so Garrett and I can truly enjoy our lives as man and wife.

  “Hello, Mrs. Hepner. How are we feeling today?”

  “Ready to have this surgery done and over with,” I laugh nervously.

  “Well, I hear you’ve been under the weather,” Dr. Shepley comments.

  “I have been, but I think that it’s just a bug. I’m getting better. I’m sure I’ll be fine by the time surgery rolls around.”

  “Well, to be on the safe side we ran blood work to make sure you are still clear and I’m just looking over the results now,” he says distractedly.

  Please don’t let my cancer have come back already. It’s too soon. Way too soon…

  Running into the clinic with tears streaming down my cheeks, I stop at the desk. Kelly, the new receptionist, looks at me with concern.

  “Everything okay, Mrs. Hepner?”

  “I need to see my husband. Is he free? Can you buzz me back?”

  “Yes, Ma’am,” she says, buzzing me in.

  Hurriedly, I run down the hall and into his office. He is on the phone with someone when I burst in the door. The minute he lays eyes on me, he’s disconnecting his call and wrapping me in his arms.

  All I can do is cry. The warmth of his arms wrapping me in their cocoon of safety can’t even stem their descent.

  “Baby, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Did everything go okay at the doctors?”

  “I can’t have the surgery in two weeks,” I stammer out.

  “What? Why?” He pulls back and looks at me, the concern is clear as day in his eyes.

  “Because… Because…”

  “Baby, please tell me the cancer is not back. Please tell me that.”

  Shaking my head, I look him in the eyes. “I’m pregnant.”

  His mouth drops open and he stares at me. If I wasn’t so scared, I might actually laugh at me. Honestly, I don’t think he is even breathing.

  “Are you serious? You’re… We’re pregnant?” He finally stutters out.

  “Yes, I have to go to the OB tomorrow. I’m high risk and need to be monitored. Can you come to the appointment with me?”

  “Of course I will. I’m not leaving your side. We’re going to be parents,” his smile is huge. “We’re going to be parents, baby,” a tear slips from his eye.

  My heart melts as the joy of this pregnancy finally fills me. We are going to be parents. That is a miracle all in its own.

  Nine months later…

  “You can do it baby. Just a few more pushes,” Garrett urges me on.

  Garrett is my center. He’s all I need in order to find my place, my strength. I truly love this man with all my heart.

  Through the pregnancy, he was incredibly supportive. He’d talk to my stomach every night, wait on me hand and foot, and love me every step of the way. The pregnancy wasn’t smooth sailing, but our baby is deemed healthy and that is all that matters to us.

  “The head is out. Take a breath, Mrs. Hepner.”

  I collapse against the pillow and Gare wipes my forehead with a cool cloth. Kissing my lips lightly, he moves down to the end of the bed to see the head of our baby. Moving back up to my head, he kisses me again just as the doctor orders me to push again.

  A few pushes later and the most incredible sound fills the room. Tears stream down my face as pure exhaustion fills me.

  Garrett disappears and when he returns he’s holding our child. Our miracle.

  When I look at his face, I can see the tear tracks down his cheeks.

  “She’s beautiful, baby. Just like her Mama,” he says as he places her in my arms.

  A happy cry escapes. “She’s gorgeous.”

  Leaning down, Garrett kisses me. “Thank you, baby. You have completed me in a way I didn’t know I could be. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too,” I look down at our baby girl. “What should we name her?”

  “I was thinking Miracle Hope Hepner. Honestly, she is a miracle. And with her, we have hope of a better future,” he says softly as he kisses the top of her head.

  “I like that,” I smile at him. “Hello Miracle, I’m your mommy.”

  Scooting over, I pat the bed next to me. Garrett climbs on and wraps himself around me. Now this is life. This is all I’ll ever need. I’m happy, safe and loved.

  Taking a deep breath, I look at our sleeping girl. “She’s so beautiful. I just can’t get over it.” Looking up at him, I let the tears fall again. “Thank you for making me the happiest I ever thought I could be. Thank you for never giving up on us.”

  Leaning down, he kisses me tenderly.

  “Yeah, we already know how you made the baby. Now let me see my niece,” Josh says as he walks in.

  We break away laughing. Hailey was there too. We all sit and chat for a little while. Truly and completely, I was the happiest I’ll ever be. Nothing will break me down.

  Time flies by so quickly. In the blink of an eye, our little girl is already four years old. She’ll be starting Kindergarten soon. It hardly seems like enough time has passed for that.

  We’ve not been preventing pregnancy, but we’ve not been trying either. I told him that our Mira is enough for me. Garrett agrees and adores that little girl with all he has.

  She waits for him at the door when it’s about time for him to get home. Hearing her squeal with delight fills my heart with so much love and hope. She is one hundred percent a daddy’s girl.

  “Mommy, is it time yet?”

  Smiling down at my daughter, she bounces in her seat in the car.

  “Yes, my beautiful girl. We are almost there. Do you remember what to do?”

  She nods her head enthusiastically. “Yeah.” She yanks on my arm as soon as the cab pulls up to the building. “Come on, Mommy. We’re here! We’re here,” she squeals.

  “Yes, baby,” a sudden pain hits my chest. “Shhh, or you’re going to ruin the surprise."

  Shifting my wig back into place from her incessant pulling, I take her hand and we walk inside. Smiling at Kelly, she immediately buzzes the door.

  “He’s in his office,” she smiles.

  We head to the back and to his office. Whispering to my little girl, she beams up at me. Then she’s off like a light. Squealing as she ran into his room, Garrett jumps a little and a huge smile spreads across his face.

  “Princess,” he says as he spins in his chair just in time for Mira to jump into his lap.

  Laughing softly as Mira spills the beans about me going to the doctor and there not being another baby in there.

  He looks up at me and I see the sadness cross his face. In that one look, he knows. I know he knows.

  “Hey, how would you like to see Uncle Robert for a little bit? He is complaining he hadn’t had enough time with you,” he smiles, but I can tell it’s forced for his daughter’s benefit.

  “Yeah!” She jumps off his lap as I made my way to the couch and sat down.

  Garrett takes her hand and walks with her out of his office. I will forever hold on to this image. He loves that little girl with all his heart.

  When he enters the room, he immediately folds me in his arms and kisses me. When he breaks, he rests his head against mine.

  “Tell me,” he whispers.

  “It’s back and it’s
in my bones, lymph system and in my liver,” I choke out.

  A sob escapes him and it causes my own tears to fall. Out of both of us, he knows what this means even without telling him.

  “The treatment didn’t work this time,” he says tearfully.

  Shaking my head back and forth, still touching his head. “No, not this time.”

  The cancer had come back a year ago. We thought for sure it was just a cold, but in the back of our minds, I think we both knew. Neither of us wanted to believe that it was true. I went through radiation and chemo this time around.

  Nevertheless, after a recheck today, the cancer come back and spread. This is what I was afraid would happen. I don’t want to have to leave him behind. Even worse now that we have a daughter. I am not only leaving the man I love behind, but my daughter too. I’ll not be able to watch her grow.

  “This wasn’t supposed to be like this. We have Miracle. You can’t leave us,” he sobs.

  “I’m not gone yet. Let’s not let this cloud whatever time I do have left. Part of me always knew this day would come. That’s why I kept trying to push you away. I didn’t want you hurt.”

  “You’re my world, baby. You and Miracle are what makes each day worth living. Now you’re telling me I’m going to lose you. Please tell me you’re joking. I can’t…” he chokes on his words.

  Cupping his face in my hands, I bring his tear filled eyes up to mine. “I love you Garrett. You are an amazing father and Miracle needs you now more than ever. But I need you to promise me something…”

  He starts shaking his head back and forth quickly. “Don’t even ask. I can’t and I won’t. You are it. Miracle and I need you. Please,” he sobs. “Please don’t leave us. Don’t leave me.”

  He kisses me, almost desperately. Soon he breaks off holding me to his chest. Unable to hold in what I need to say, I say it into the crook of his neck as he holds me.

  “When the time comes, please just let me go. I don’t want to be put on life support or resuscitated. You just have to let me go as peacefully as possible. Please promise me this.”

  His body shakes with his tears, “Oh God! I can’t baby. I cannot let you go,” he sobs harder.

  Even though he says he can’t right now, I know that now that I’ve said it, he will honor my wishes. My heart is shattering, but this time not for myself. But for the people I’m leaving behind. My amazing husband and wonderful daughter are what held me here this long.

  “Please don’t leave me,” he repeats over and over again.

  “I love you,” I whisper repeatedly.

  Garrett

  She left me.

  After she fought so hard to stay, she’s gone and I’m selfishly wishing she was here, knowing the pain she’d be coming back to. I need her like I need air to breathe. My heart doesn’t beat right anymore.

  Standing here, looking down at my beautiful wife, I hold a crying Miracle in my arms. Donna had arranged for her funeral ahead of time. All I needed to do was show up as she had said.

  Music starts to fill the quiet church and a song starts to play. My tears flow when I realize it’s the song I sang to her two weeks before she passed away. Sam Smith’s soulful voice sings my feelings exactly with his song Lay Me Down.

  Miracle starts to sing along and before I realize it, I’m singing with her. Both of us clinging to each other for support, my heart breaking all over again.

  Miracle leans over when the song is done and kisses Donna on the cheek, whispering painfully, “I love you Mommy. I’ll take care of Daddy, I promise.”

  My tears flow harder as I hug her tightly to me. Leaning down, I kiss her cheek as well.

  “More than the sun warms the earth and the moon lights the night, I’ll love you forever.”

  Sitting down in the chair in front of her casket, Miracle continues to call out for her mommy.

  I can’t do this, Donna. I can’t do this without you. Why did you have to leave me?

  There was a stretch of time that I was angry with her. But in the end, it was my broken heart trying to release some of the pain.

  “Daddy,” Miracle’s voice breaks into my thoughts.

  “Yes, baby girl,” I answer as I wipe her never-ending tears from her eyes.

  “Can Mommy hear me?”

  “Of course she can. You can talk to her and tell her everything. She’ll hear you,” I say as my voice cracks.

  Climbing from my lap, she walks back up to the casket. Stunned, I can’t move.

  “Mommy? Daddy says you can hear me when I talk to you. You asked me a question a little while ago. I know my answer. No. Did you hear me Mommy? I said my answer was no. So, you can come back now. Please. My answer is no Mommy. Please come back.”

  Walking up there, I gather her in my arms, but she starts thrashing about screaming.

  “Mommy, I said no. Please come back to us. Please. I said no. I said no. Please Mommy, I’m sorry I didn’t answer, but I did now. Please…” She breaks off bawling as she curls into my chest.

  Looking up at the ceiling of the church, I close my eyes and pray.

  Please help me get us both through this pain and loss. Help me find the strength to raise her the way my wife would have. Give me strength to hide the pain from her. Please help me, help us.

  Looking around at everyone dancing and laughing about, my heart hangs empty. The only woman that I will ever love is the only thing I can see during times like this.

  When we got home after the funeral, I was tucking my daughter into bed. She was still mumbling about her answering being no. Not knowing the question left me at a disadvantage so I asked her what it was.

  “Princess? What was the question that Mommy asked you?”

  Sniffling, she pulls away from me and looks up at me. Her eyes were already swollen and bloodshot from all the crying we’ve been doing since her loss.

  “She was laying in the hospital and she asked me to get on the bed. So, I climbed up there. After kissing my head, she asked me if I could take care of you since she no longer could and if we would be okay when she went to see God. So that’s why I told her no because she’d never want us to be sad. But she didn’t come back, Daddy,” her tears start anew.

  “Baby,” I sit on the bed and pull her into my arms. “She can’t come back. Mommy wanted to be here, but she has important business to handle now.”

  “What is more important than us? She said we were her world.”

  My heart breaks even more. “She’s a Guardian Angel now. She’s protecting us now.”

  “But I want her here,” she wails curling into my chest.

  There was nothing I could do to mend our hearts. God decides when and who he takes. Even though our hearts ache now, I’ll be with her again and once again I’ll be able to show her my love again.

  Shaking my head, I push those thoughts away for a moment. Laughing as my daughter chases after her cousin, Jeffery. Jeff is two years old now. My wife would love him. He’s just like her brother in so many ways, but just as much like his mom, Pollyanna.

  Often times, I find myself wondering if Donna would be happy with the way Mira is turning out. She’s almost seven now and my God if she doesn’t look like her mama. I’m afraid for when she gets to dating age… Shaking my head, no, she’s not dating… ever.

  “Hey brother. What are you thinking about over here by yourself with a smile on your face?” Hailey asks sitting down next to me.

  “About my wife and about the future with Mira,” I answer never taking my eyes off my daughter.

  “My sister would be so proud of how she’s turned out. You know that right?”

  “I hope so,” I say softly.

  “She would be,” she says placing her hand on my arm.

  “How’s it feel to be Mrs. Robert Crosley,” I ask to change the subject.

  “I can’t believe it’s happened, honestly. Look at him with my daughter. He’s always treated her like his own.”

  “He’s a great guy and your kids will be very ha
ppy and loved.”

  “I love you, Gare. You need to find happiness again, too. Donna would want you to have that. She’d want that for Mira too.”

  Shaking my head sadly, we’ve been on this topic over the past two years since Donna passed away.

  “Donna was it for me. I’m happy enough with just me and Mira. She doesn’t lack either. But thanks for thinking of me.”

  She sighs. “Okay. I love you and just want to see you happy.”

  “I’ve got Mira and the memories of my wife. We will be just fine.”

  She pats my hand and walks off to join her husband in playing with the kids. Looking up at the sky, I smile as a tear slips down my cheek.

  “More than the sun warms the earth, more than the moon lights the night, I’ll love you forever,” I whisper as a breeze wraps around me and I just know it’s her.

  There will never be a day that I don’t think about her, remember her, love her, but the pain is easier to handle. One day, I’ll rejoin her, but for now Miracle and I participate in raising money for Susan G. Komen Foundation and have even started one of our own in honor of my wife.

  Miracle and I talk about her and look over her pictures. I’m determined for her not to ever forget her or what she looked like.

  Donna was the one woman that changed my life forever. She’s my world and will be forever. Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean my love for her has died. When she passed away, she took my soul with her.

  We’ll meet again and I’ll never feel this emptiness again. For now, I’ll make sure that our daughter is loved and raised as Donna would have raised her. And we will continue to help those that fight cancer every day.

  Thank you so much for reading. This book is dedicated to all those struggling (both directly and indirectly) and survivors of this merciless disease.

  To help support further, you can make a donation here to help find a cure:

  http://ww5.komen.org/GetInvolved/GetInvolved.html

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