Crossing the Barrier

by Martine Lewis

  “Do you want to live with Charlie?” Malakai asked after a few moments of silence.

  No, she didn’t want to live with Charlie either. She loved him like a father, but Charlie still saw her as a fourteen-year-old who needed a set of rules appropriate for that age. Living with him would be nice for a while, but eventually, they would collide, and she would suffocate.

  “Do you want to live with the Joneses?” Malakai continued after another moment of silence.

  She loved Nicole, Sandra, and David, and they had always been more than a family to her. Nicole had even offered to take her in numerous times. But by moving in with them, she would always feel like an outsider, a friend who was there for a visit. She would never be quite at home.

  “Have you thought about living by yourself?” That question was accompanied by a flash of fear from Malakai. He was afraid of something, but before Lily asked, he continued. “You know, you’re eighteen now, and it’s something you can pursue.”

  Living by herself.

  That was not something she had seriously considered, even if Charlie had mentioned it. In her teenage mind, she still saw herself as a minor and had only considered living with others.

  Could she create a home on her own?

  “The house…” she said.

  “Is maybe better in your memories than you owning it,” Malakai said gently. “You can still make good memories elsewhere.”

  “Did you move a lot?”

  “Yes, quite often.”

  “How is it?”

  “It’s hard at first, but once you’re at the new place, you make new memories, and after a while, it’s okay.”

  The flash of fear came again.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’ll be turning eighteen soon, too,” he said. “It worries me. My father’s not home a lot as it is. I’m wondering if he’ll be there at all after my birthday.

  “You know, sometimes I’m afraid not only will he completely disappear but that he’ll stop providing for me, too,” he continued after a few moments of silence. “I don’t know what I’d do if he does. I wouldn’t be able to go to college if something were to happen to my scholarship.”

  “Malakai, do you honestly think your father would stop providing for you?” Lily remembered the man she had met the night of her birthday dinner. He was an absentee parent, that was true, but she had met a man who was proud of Malakai. “I don’t think your father’s going to cut you off. I think he’ll help you as much as he can for as long as you need him to.”

  Malakai didn’t say anything, but the uncertainty still plagued his heart.

  They remained silent a little while longer, and Malakai finally sighed. “We shouldn’t miss calculus,” he said. “I could use the revising.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  “Feeling any better?” he asked as Lily pulled away and looked at him.

  “Yeah, I think so. You’re making me reorganize my thoughts. You?”

  “Yeah, I think so,” he said with a smile.

  He still had his doubts. That, he couldn’t hide from her.

  He brought his good hand to her cheek and slowly pulled her toward him. He kissed her long and soft, and Lily sighed in contentment.

  A moment later, they were on their way back to school.

  Chapter Sixty-Six

  LILY

  Two days later, Lily was as confused as when she found out her keys no longer fit in the lock. Charlie had taken care of having her belongings transported to a storage unit where Lily had gone through the few boxes Beatrice had decided were hers. She cried when she couldn’t find her father’s clarinet among her things or any pictures of him.

  “Lily, don’t worry,” Charlie had said. “I’ll get them back, I promise.”

  Lily only nodded.

  On that Friday morning, she was skipping school again. She wanted to talk to Nicole, and if Sandra and David were around, she wouldn’t be able to really talk the way she wanted to.

  The run from school to her car after her first class had drenched her through and through. She drove on autopilot, thankfully knowing where she was going in this rain that made everybody drive ten miles below the speed limit. Ten minutes later, she pulled onto her street and drove to the place she knew so well. She parked her car in front of Sandra’s house and looked across the street. Beatrice’s car was gone, and all Lily wanted was to get in the house and go back to the way things were, even if they were far from perfect.

  But she didn’t have the keys.

  In the next moment, she knew she was lying to herself. She didn’t want to go back to the way things were. She had been miserable, and she was tired of being miserable.

  As the rain pounded her car, she just sat there, shivering, staring in the direction of the home that was no longer one and would never be again.

  Her house.

  Her home.

  All in the possession of a woman who never loved her and never would.

  “Lily!” Nicole said, opening the car door. “Come. Don’t stay here.”

  Numbly, Lily unbuckled her seat belt and let Nicole help her out of the car.

  “Come,” she said again, pulling her toward the front door.

  They walked inside, and Nicole quickly ran to the couch to grab a blanket.

  “Oh, poor girl,” Nicole said, putting it over Lily’s shivering body. “You’re a downright mess.”

  “S-s-sorry,” Lily said, her teeth clacking. “I-I w-w-ant-ted t-to t-talk t-to you.”

  “Well, let’s get you dry, then I’ll make some hot chocolate and we can talk.”

  Fifteen minutes later, they were sitting in Nicole’s sitting room, steaming cups of hot chocolate in hands.

  “So, what’s going on?” Nicole asked when Lily wouldn’t begin the conversation.

  “Is it irrational that I want to keep the house?” she asked, looking at the older woman.

  Nicole sighed and put her cup down on the side table. “I think you know what I’ll say about that, don’t you?” she said, leaning back in her chair.

  “You think I should sell it,” Lily said, glancing down at the cup she was still holding.

  “Lily, have you ever wondered why you want to keep it so much?”

  “Because my father left it to me,” she answered automatically.

  “But isn’t there another reason? Something that would make you think wanting to keep it is irrational?”

  Taking a sip of her hot chocolate, Lily searched her mind but couldn’t find anything.

  “Talk to me about your memories of your father,” Nicole said, retrieving her cup.

  As Nicole drank her hot chocolate, Lily began telling her some of her memories, the most powerful ones, the ones she had cherished for so long. She laughed and cried, and she talked and talked until she remembered one memory in particular.

  Her father, sitting next to her on her bed one night, holding her small hands in his huge ones. The news broadcast had been talking about this man who had vanished, leaving his family behind, and Lily had been scared her father would disappear too. She had been eight years old.

  “Daddy, I’m scared.”

  “I know you are, but I’m not going to disappear,” he had said, caressing her hair.

  “But what if you do? What if you get lost? What if you can’t find me anymore?”

  “Lily, my flower, as long as you’re in this house, I will always come back to you because I’ll know exactly where to find you.”

  Lily turned to Nicole, her eyes wide. “Oh, my God, Nicole,” she said, bringing her hands to her mouth.

  “Lily, is it possible you still wish, somewhere deep inside, that your father might return one day?”

  Of course she did and not just subconsciously. Her father was dead, and he would never be back, but she had dreamt of him coming home so often she stopped counting. She definitely wanted him to be with her, alive again, back at the house.

  “You know, I don’t think your dad left you the
house to chain you down, and, in a way, that’s exactly what you’re doing to yourself. I think you would be better served if you sold it. I think that’s what your father would have wanted.”

  Lily nodded. Nicole was right; her father would have wanted her to move on, to go to college, and to create a life where she would be happy.

  It was the hardest decision Lily had ever faced in her short eighteen years of life, but as she left Nicole’s house, she knew what she had to do.

  As she drove back to school, her mind drifted to another one of her problems, one that was making it increasingly difficult to be in a classroom: her lack of shields. She remembered what Sandra had suggested a month prior about trying to ride the wave instead of fighting it and frowned. She hadn’t given it any more thought then, especially since November had been easier, but now she was at the point where she had to try something. The winter exams were coming up in a week, and the status quo was no longer acceptable. She would have to do something about it, and do it fast if she wanted the remainder of her dreams to become realities.

  It was with a heavy heart that she slowly made her way into Charlie’s house later that afternoon. She found him in the living room, reading a professional journal.

  “Charlie?” she called, as she walked in.

  He put his journal down and looked at her. “Are you okay? You look preoccupied.”

  “I…Can I talk to you?”

  “Yes, sure. Come,” he answered, tapping the sofa next to him.

  Lily took the seat and looked straight ahead, trying to gather her thoughts. “I’ve made a decision,” she said slowly. Her heart was so heavy she could have sworn it had turned to stone. “Once the court decides, I’m going to sell the house.”

  “Are you sure?” Charlie asked gently after a few moments of silence. While he was happy, even relieved by her decision, Lily knew he was also worried. “Are you absolutely sure? Do you need more time to think about it?”

  “No. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for the last week. I’m sure. It’s…it’s the right thing to do,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands.

  She was letting go.

  As much as it tore her heart, in a twisted way, it felt good, like a weight was slowly lifting from her shoulders.

  “Okay,” Charlie said sadly. “I’ll get with my people on Monday, and we’ll make it happen. You still have time to change your mind, you know.”

  “I won’t,” she said, standing up. “It’s not my home anymore.”

  She slowly walked away and climbed the stairs to her bedroom. Once inside, she took her phone and dialed Sandra.

  “Hey, you okay?” Sandra asked.

  “I did it,” Lily said, her voice breaking. “I told Charlie to sell the house.”

  “Oh, Lily. Want me to come over?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

  Sandra must have been speeding because she drove her mom’s car into the driveway ten minutes later.

  “You know, I’m glad you decided to sell it,” she said, once they were sitting in Lily’s bedroom. “You’re going to be so much happier elsewhere, I mean without Beatrice and all.” Sandra clenched her fists at the mention of the woman. “What finally convinced you?”

  Lily told her what had transpired in her discussions with Malakai and Nicole. As she spoke, Sandra’s expression fell.

  “I loved your dad, too, you know,” she finally said. “I’ve kept playing clarinet in his honor. I have every intention of joining the band in college, too.”

  Lily hadn’t even thought of that. College was coming soon, and she would have to look into playing too. She just couldn’t give up now, especially since she had become so good at it.

  “So, what will you do next?” Sandra asked, bringing her back to the conversation.

  “Well, I can’t very well stay here,” Lily said, looking around the room. “Charlie wouldn’t like Malakai spending the night. Imagine when we will, you know, be more involved…”

  Sandra chuckled. “I guess that would complicate things. But wait. Does that mean you won’t stay with us either?”

  “Sandra, I couldn’t. I would feel like I’m invading. I don’t want that. Besides, your mom would be even more against Malakai spending the night.”

  “Well, you’re not wrong on that one,” Sandra said, rolling her eyes. “So, I guess you’ll be getting your own place, then.”

  “I think it’s the best thing to do. But I’m scared. I’ve never been on my own before.”

  “None of us have…Well, Malakai has, in a way, but other than him, we’ve never really been on our own. But that’s exciting if you ask me. Your own place. Wow!”

  Sandra was, in fact, envious, and Lily just didn’t understand why. Sandra had this wonderful family life. Why she would even want to give it up to move out on her own was beyond her.

  “Lily, whatever you do, you’ll be fine.”

  Lily knew Sandra believed it.

  Chapter Sixty-Seven

  LILY

  The following Tuesday, after a weekend spent reviewing all the decisions she had to make, and especially after the news she had received the previous night, Lily’s mind was made up: she was ready to try what Sandra had suggested.

  She had to.

  She had to figure out a way to survive without depending on everyone, especially now that she would move out on her own. So instead of heading to her fourth period like she should have, she texted Sandra.

  Meet me at the cafeteria.

  A few minutes later, Lily was waiting for Sandra a few yards away from the cafeteria entrance. It was close to the second bell when Sandra finally showed up.

  “What’s going on?” the tall blond girl asked, joining her.

  “I’m trying it.”

  “Trying what?”

  “Going in and trying not to fight it,” Lily said, taking a few steps toward the busy hub. She glanced inside at the fourth period lunch crowd. “But I don’t want to do it alone.”

  “Whoa! Stop. We have classes in two minutes.”

  “I’m not going. I’m doing this. I would like you to be with me, but if you don’t want to, I’ll do it by myself.”

  “Why not wait for our lunch period?”

  “Because Malakai won’t let me do it,” Lily answered with a sigh.

  Malakai had been protective with a vengeance the last few days. He had fussed over her, always there, always afraid she needed something, or something would happen to her and he wouldn’t be there to help her. Lily loved the attention, but she wished he would stop being so worried all the time. She was, after all, eighteen, and she was not a porcelain figurine that could easily break. Granted sometimes, she did feel that way…

  “He would worry, and he wouldn’t let me try. You know I can pass out from this. Malakai…let’s say Malakai wouldn’t want that to happen, so it’s better if he doesn’t know.”

  “Lily, you’re insane. Do you really think now is the right time for this? I mean, with all that you have going on.”

  “It may not be, but I’m at a point where I’m just very, very determined. I have to figure out something and sitting on my butt and waiting for my shields to come back is no longer an option. You saw what happened at the competition and now, I can’t even get to my first classroom without flinching every step of the way. Doing nothing is not working anymore, Sandra. Tried it. Didn’t work. Time to go to plan B. I have to try this. I can no longer live this way.”

  “Hold on. There’s something you’re not telling me,” Sandra said, raising her hands in front of her. “Something else that’s driving you to do this.”

  “I got into Rice,” Lily said quietly, looking at the ground between them.

  “You did?” Sandra asked, her eyes wide.

  She hadn’t told anyone, not even Malakai. She had found out when she checked her application status the previous night, and now just thinking about the rest of her year and how her lack of shields affected h
er made her stomach cramp.

  “Yeah. And now if I don’t figure this out, I’ll never make it. Will you help me? I have to try this and…I don’t want to try it alone,” she said, looking at her friend again.

  “You know I’ll help,” Sandra said with a firm nod. “I don’t like you doing this when Malakai and David are not around, however, but I’ll help. So, how do you want to do this?”

  “Let’s find an empty corner and go from there.”

  They made their way into the cafeteria, Sandra’s shoulder touching Lily’s, and a few moments later, they sat on the ground in a quiet corner, facing each other. Sandra was holding on to her hands and looking expectantly at her. The cafeteria was full of students, mostly sophomores, and thankfully, Lily recognized very few of them.

  “Okay, when I tell you, let me go,” Lily said.

  She closed her eyes and took a couple of breaths to calm her racing heart. This was bound to be one of the hardest things she had ever tried, and the only reason she was going through with it at this point was because Sandra felt so hopeful it would actually work. But now that she was about to try it, Lily believed she should run with all her might and get away from this place. She must really be desperate and insane for even conceiving to try this crazy idea.

  “Remember what you did when you were at the stadium during the games and do the same,” Sandra encouraged, calming some of Lily’s doubts.

  Lily nodded. She had to do this. Her future depended on it.

  “Okay, let go,” she said, bracing herself.

  The wave of emotions came crashing into her at the speed of sound.

  “Let it flow, Lily,” Sandra coached.

  Lily fought her natural instinct to fight, but she was quickly losing the battle with herself.

  “Let it flow,” Sandra repeated insistently.

  Lily just didn’t know how. Before she knew it, she found herself fighting the wave instead of embracing it. Again, she tried to stop fighting but she was rapidly getting exhausted. Suddenly, the wave stopped and Lily felt Sandra’s worry wash over her.

  “You were about to pass out,” Sandra said sadly.