Crossing the Barrier

by Martine Lewis

  Lily opened her eyes and looked at her friend.

  “Lily, I hate this.”

  “It has to be done,” Lily said with a firmness she didn’t feel. “I have to do this.”

  “Okay.”

  “Let’s try again,” Lily said, keeping her eyes open this time.

  She took a few deep breaths again, and once she thought she was ready, she nodded.

  The wave of emotions was as brutal this time. Lily tried to let it flow through her, and she seemed to be succeeding until she felt something that was stronger and more discordant. Someone was thinking of hurting someone else, and Lily pushed against these feelings to chase them away. And the harder she pushed, the more her head throbbed. Slowly but surely, her vision began to darken around the edges. It was almost all black when the chaos was replaced by deep concern—Sandra’s deep concern.

  “My God, Lily, stop!”

  Lily was panting, and her head felt like it would explode. “No!” she said firmly, despite how she really felt. “I almost had it this time.”

  “No! Stop! I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

  “Sandra, I have to do it. I have to succeed.”

  “Yes, but at what cost?”

  “At the cost of my sanity if need be.”

  “Lily…”

  “Again!”

  Lily closed her eyes this time and calmed her breathing. She had to do this; she had to succeed. This time, she hesitated. She was so tired, and her head was killing her. She didn’t know if she had the strength to try again.

  She took a few more breaths, then braced herself before nodding to Sandra. Then Sandra let go. The moment she did, Lily knew she would fail. She was on the defensive again. As the sounds of the cafeteria began to fade, she wondered if drowning felt that way.

  Then darkness claimed her.

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  MALAKAI

  Lily had invited Malakai to spend Christmas Eve with her and Charlie, and he had readily accepted. But now, late into Christmas Day, he was back in his empty apartment, walking around, not knowing what to do with himself.

  Lily.

  A couple of days ago, she had hinted at being ready to move to the next step in their relationship, and he wanted it too. The thought of it made him feel like his heart was in a vise.

  What if he wasn’t good enough for her?

  He flipped through the TV channels to distract himself, but nothing looked remotely interesting. He wanted to do some homework, but he didn’t have any. He really wanted to spend more time with Lily, but she was at the food kitchen that afternoon, volunteering with her uncle, like she did every year. She had asked him to come along, but with his arm still in a cast, it was near impossible to do anything in his own kitchen, never mind a serving line.

  With a sigh, he grabbed the book he had tried to read for the fourth time and flipped to the page where he had previously stopped. He had read two words when he heard a knock at the door. With another sigh, he put the book down, stood up, and walked to it.

  He unlocked and opened the door.

  And froze.

  His heart stopped beating in his chest. The blood drained from his face. He stared without comprehending what he was seeing.

  “Hello, Maki.”

  Maki.

  He hadn’t heard that nickname since the day she had disappeared, the nickname she always used so affectionately.

  Malakai’s lungs screamed for air, and he inhaled deeply.

  “M…Mum?” he whispered.

  She was right in front of him, those green eyes that were so like his own staring back at him, waiting expectantly. She appeared older than the last time he had seen her, but she looked exactly the same as when he thought he had seen her after the football game. Her blond hair was to the middle of her back, her cheeks were fuller, and her lips were tentatively smiling at him.

  At her neck, she wore the necklace he had made her shortly before she disappeared.

  “It was you,” he said. “It really was you.”

  Tears were falling from his eyes, and he didn’t even bother to stop them.

  She was back.

  He had missed her so, so much.

  “My baby is all grown up,” she said, tears running down her cheeks also.

  Malakai took a step forward and hugged her. She was now a good six inches smaller than he, and he wished at that moment he was still ten, and she could hug him with his head on her chest.

  “Mum, it’s really you.”

  “I missed you.”

  “Come,” he said, letting go and holding the door for her.

  She walked inside and looked around. “I…You have no pictures,” she said, glancing at the sterile walls.

  He waved for her to follow and opened the door to his bedroom. He pointed to his bedside table, to the lone frame with a picture of him and her, smiling happily, two pairs of green eyes facing the camera.

  His mother looked at him and smiled.

  “You still have it,” she said. “Tell me what you’ve been up to all these years.”

  They took a seat at the kitchen table, and, once he had brewed some green tea, Malakai told her about football, high school, college, and Lily. She listened, smiling sadly, even laughing when something was funny, but the joy never really reached her eyes. She just looked so profoundly sad.

  “I’m so sorry, Maki,” she said, tears coming to her eyes again. “I didn’t want to leave you. I wish I had been there to see all of those things. I came to most of your games this year. I saw you kiss that girl. Was that Lily?”

  “You were there. It was you?”

  “Yes. I wish I had been able to talk to you then. I wish I had been able to talk to you when you ran to the bleachers on your homecoming night. You looked so handsome.”

  “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

  “I wasn’t sure I should. You looked so happy. I really wish I hadn’t left you.”

  “Why did you?” Malakai asked gently. Maybe, finally, he would get his answer.

  “I can’t tell you, Maki,” she said, wiping her eyes with her sleeves. “I wanted to come back, I really did. I begged for it, but I couldn’t.”

  Malakai’s blood boiled. She had been gone all those years, and now she wouldn’t tell him why, why he had to go on living without her support, her comfort, without his mother.

  Why come back at all if she couldn’t tell him anything?

  “Why can’t you tell me?” he asked, standing up. “Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

  Malakai heard the blood pound in his ears, but he couldn’t rein in his anger.

  Not this time. Not after all what he had gone through since she left.

  In a pervasive way, it felt good to be angry, to let it out, to feel it in his face, his muscles, his fists.

  “Yes, you do,” she said quietly, looking away.

  “So why won’t you tell me?”

  “I can’t.”

  Malakai began pacing, bringing his hands to his short light-brown hair. “You can’t just come back, say ‘sorry’ and not tell me what happened, why I was without a mother when I needed you the most, why my friend David’s mum is the one who took care of me when I came back from the hospital after my surgery.”

  Fresh tears were falling from his mother’s eyes, and Malakai couldn’t stop talking. He felt like someone had stabbed him, then stabbed him again. “I deserve more than ‘sorry, I can’t tell you why, but sorry.’ I deserve to know why I have lived in a house run like a military barrack ever since Gran died, why I have been left to fend for myself since the day I turned seventeen because dad was too busy with work, and you were too busy being gone.”

  All Malakai wanted to do was punch a hole in the wall.

  “I cannot tell you,” his mother quietly repeated, never looking at him. “Not yet.”

  “Then I have nothing more to say to you.” He walked to his bedroom and slammed the door so hard the clock fell from its hook on the wall. He looked at the pi
cture of his mother and him when they used to be happy, when he used to have someone who was there to take care of him, and he let the tears fall from his eyes.

  He collapsed on the ground, sobs shaking his body. All of this was so unfair. His parents had no right to abandon him like they did, for reasons he didn’t even understand anymore.

  And here he was, alone again, taking care of himself as if he were a grown-up and not just a teen who desperately needed his parents to help, advise, and support him.

  Malakai let the pain and anger wash over him and finally heard the front door close.

  She was gone.

  Again.

  She didn’t even check on him. She didn’t care enough to check on him.

  Malakai felt the most alone he had ever been in his life.

  When he walked out of his room an hour later, there was an envelope on the table.

  Chapter Sixty-Nine

  MALAKAI

  Malakai was still wallowing in his misery when the phone rang the next day. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He had been left alone and that’s all he figured he deserved.

  The phone stopped ringing, and then a few seconds later started again.

  He looked at the caller ID.

  Lily.

  Then it all came back to him.

  He had failed her so many times. He hadn’t been there when she had needed him the most. Just like his parents: not there when someone he loved needed him the most. Too busy being somewhere else.

  Lily’s mother, however evil, had been right. What could he offer Lily? If he couldn’t even be there for the simplest things, how could he be there for the bigger ones?

  The phone stopped ringing again, and he closed his eyes, despair washing over him, his heart breaking at the thought of how he had failed her, of how his parents had failed him.

  Soon enough, he was bound to repeat the past and leave her, like everybody in his life had left him. After all, he was his parents’ son, and hadn’t he already shown he couldn’t be relied upon? Soon enough, he would be all alone and would have to move on.

  The phone began to ring again.

  Malakai looked at the caller ID.

  Lily.

  If he didn’t answer, he knew she wouldn’t stop calling. Or else she would just drive over, so he swiped the screen on and put the phone to his ear.

  “Hey,” he answered, his tone flat.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, alarmed.

  Malakai wondered for a moment if she felt him through the phone. Then again, if she could, she may not have asked him if he was okay; she would have known he wasn’t.

  “Yeah,” he answered, not very convincingly.

  “I…I miss you. I…Can you come over?”

  “I…” He swallowed as if he had a thick paste in his mouth.

  He didn’t want to see her. One look at him, and she would know something was wrong. One look at him, and she would want to comfort him. He didn’t want her comfort. He was supposed to be the strong one, not her.

  “I don’t feel so good,” he lied. “I was sleeping.”

  “Want me to come over?”

  “No, I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep some more.”

  “Okay,” she said, disappointed.

  “I’ll see you later, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Bye.”

  Before she said anything more, he hung up.

  It was cold, he knew.

  He loved her, he knew.

  And he wished he were a better person, just for her, just to be with her.

  But he was his parents’ son.

  If he were destined to repeat what his parents had done, it was better if he began to let her go now before things got more serious, before the pain of leaving her killed him.

  Chapter Seventy

  LILY

  Things had been slowly returning to normal during the few days after Christmas, and Lily had greatly enjoyed spending time with Malakai, searching for an apartment the previous day. She had enjoyed learning from him what she should be looking for, and Malakai’s approval of her choice meant more to her than she had imagined. After all, she hoped he would spend a lot of time there with her in the coming months.

  But first Malakai needed to talk to her. Something was bothering him, something that made him distant, and Lily wanted to know what was wrong. But he wasn’t talking.

  While he was hurting, when they were together, he was pretending everything was fine. She took his cue and let matters drop for the time being. Eventually, he would work it out, and all she needed to do was be there for him.

  After having a copious lunch with Charlie on New Year’s Day, Lily followed Malakai to his place where they lay down on Malakai’s bed and slept, snuggled against one another, Lily basking in the warmth of his presence.

  A while later, Lily opened her eyes to find Malakai staring at her.

  “Hi,” she said with a smile.

  Malakai just stared, so many emotions warring in his head, Lily couldn’t make sense of them. Like every time they had been together in the last week, he treated her with an intensity that was blinding, as if he believed it was the last time they would be together.

  It was unsettling and scary, to say the least.

  Slowly, Malakai brought his hand to her cheek and caressed it softly. Closing her eyes, Lily just leaned into it. She loved the way he touched her, like she was the most delicate flower he had ever seen.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he said, his voice thick, his heart calling to hers.

  Then he gave her a featherlight kiss on the lips, then another and another, making Lily go insane with needs. It was the most sensual kiss he had ever given her, and she wanted more. She was ready for so much more.

  Deepening the kiss, Malakai pushed her on her back and lay on her, his weight carefully restrained by his arms on each side of her. Lily still felt the effect she had on him, however, right against her pubic bone, and the friction increased her own discomfort. Their kissing had an intensity to it, an intensity that had never been there before. It was as if Malakai was desperate to have and give more, and Lily, at this point, definitely wanted it all.

  She was ready.

  She was getting a new home, she was moving on with her life, and she was ready to begin the year and her new life with Malakai by her side.

  When Malakai stopped kissing her, their breaths were coming short. Lily took his face in her hands and looked him in the eyes.

  “Malakai, I’m ready,” she whispered. “I…I want you. I want it all.”

  Suddenly, time stopped.

  Malakai stared at her, his expression frozen. An intense flash of panic coursed through her, making her breath catch in her throat again but for a totally different reason this time. This was quickly followed by a shame so profound Lily wanted to hide. This shame was followed in turn by a disgust so intense she wanted to run to the bathroom and scrub her skin until it bled.

  All of this coming from Malakai, the boy who was supposed to love her.

  In the next moment, he jumped off the bed, his hands grabbing his short hair and standing as far as he could from where she was still lying.

  Lily felt a pain in her chest so profound she could have sworn someone had pulled her heart out and squeezed it until it burst. In anguish, she cried, grabbing her head, trying with all her might to block the barrage of emotions that were assaulting her.

  Finally it all stopped.

  Emptiness…

  She could no longer feel anything, as if Malakai had suddenly disappeared.

  In the next instant, Lily realized something had changed inside of her, something was different with her: Her shields were back and were now protecting her.

  Tears running down her cheeks, she looked up, hoping he was still there, hoping he had come to his senses, but the expression of horror on his face told her otherwise. As Malakai stood there, staring at her like she was the most hideous creature he had ever seen, Lily’s heart broke into a thousand li
ttle pieces all over again. No longer able to stand the look on his face, she quickly got out of bed and grabbed her shoes. She exited the room, grabbed her coat and purse from the counter, and, before even putting her shoes on, ran out the door.

  Malakai didn’t want her.

  Malakai was disgusted by the idea of them together.

  How could she ever forget what came from him at the moment she told him she wanted it all?

  How could she ever come back from this?

  She ran down the stairway, her shoes still in her hands. It was raining hard, and it was cold, but Lily just wanted to get as far away as she could, as quickly as she could.

  With shaking hands, she fished in her purse for her car keys. By the time she found them, she couldn’t see. She was wet and shivering, and tears were mingled with the rain on her cheeks.

  She clicked the unlock button and opened the door. Shoving everything on the passenger seat, she got in, slammed the door, and tried to put the key in the ignition. Her hands were shaking so hard it took several tries before she finally managed it. Starting the car, she let a big sob escape her. She glanced outside, hoping against hope Malakai would be there, would have followed her, but he hadn’t.

  She put the car in reverse and would have hit the car parked behind her if she hadn’t been driving a Mini Cooper. With a screech of tires, she drove away, her vision severely impaired by the tears that wouldn’t stop. It was a blessing the road was empty as Lily couldn’t see the lines. But she didn’t care about them at this point.

  Malakai didn’t want her.

  Malakai was disgusted by her.

  She realized she had driven up her old street when she was about to pull into her house’s driveway, which was full of unknown cars.

  But she didn’t live there anymore.

  She was yet to have a new home.

  A home she had hoped to build with Malakai a big part of it.

  But she was alone.

  Malakai was gone.

  She parked in front of Sandra’s house, intent on seeking refuge there, but she just sat in her car, holding on to the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white, her forehead pressed against it.