Falling Into Blue

by Maurer, Donalyn

  “I’ll stay as close as you’ll let me because you were and still are worth the effort. I’m going to help you heal. I’m going to show you that he didn’t take anything away from you. You’re still here. All of you.” He leans up and kisses my cheek.

  Chapter 20

  A few days after the doctor heard I ate breakfast tacos with hot sauce and was continuing to have a good appetite, was able to take showers on my own and was able to go all day without the help of pain medication, he started the process of releasing me from the hospital. He also wanted to make sure the rape counselor had time to talk me and gauge where I might be emotionally and get her feedback before he released me. My aunts and grandma brought me up a pair of my worn straight-leg Levis, my favorite black Frye knee-high boots and my Merle Haggard concert jersey to wear home. I went into the bathroom and changed and applied a little bit of makeup, trying to hide the last of the bruising on my face.

  A little while later a nurse came in with my discharge instructions and a reminder to make an appointment in three months with my GYN for my next Depo-Provera birth control shot. After speaking with my GYN and the rape counselor about the miscarriage and my feelings of guilt, they suggested options, and I decided it was best to start some type of birth control. I’m also given some pain medicine just in case I start cramping. She hands me a list of upcoming appointments already scheduled for me. One is with the behavioral clinic to see an abuse counselor to continue with what we started here. At least I’ve been assured that feeling relieved about the miscarriage is normal and so is the guilt in feeling that relief. Another appointment with my primary care doctor in two weeks to make sure I’m healing correctly. The OB came in and did a quick check, asked if I was tolerating the birth control okay, which I am, and then she gave her all clear and assured me I was pretty much healed with no permanent damage and I should be able to conceive in the future with no problems.

  I’m almost ready to get out of here and my heart flutters happily, but not seeing Max every day is going to suck.

  Once I finish signing all the paperwork, the nurse leaves and comes back in with a wheelchair and I flash back to Rocky and Mrs. Jennings, and I start to sweat and my breathing quickens. My aunt Paige has left to go get the car and pull it around and meet us at the entrance to pick me up. I climb off the bed and sit down in the wheelchair, inwardly panicking. My grandma opens the hospital room door and as we start down the hallway towards the elevators, I hear Max call out, “Hold up!” and I watch as he rushes over to me. “Hey, you’re outta here?” When I don’t answer he leans down into my ear and says, “What happened?” My breathing is becoming heavy when I say, “The wheelchair. His mom.” Max was there when I told the police about what happened, so he knows I’m probably having a flashback.

  “I got it,” he tells the nurse and Corporal Rodriquez and Corporal Blass walk up to me and she steps back and lets him take the handles and walks around to me. “Ms. McGinty, all of us here are pulling for you. We know you’ll be okay and we’re so glad to have met you and those brothers of yours.” She winks and all three of them smile. “But we really do admire your bravery and we’re going to keep you in our prayers and if you ever need anything, you know where we are.” They lean down and surprise me with quick hugs. I pull it together long enough to respond, “Thank you so much. To all of you for what you did for me.” I nervously smile at them as Max starts wheeling me out, trying to stay in the moment. “Hang tight, Jaycee, okay?” he says as he stops in front of the elevators and hits the down button.

  I sit quietly with my eyes squeezed tight, thinking of anything other than the memory of that night as we wait for the elevator to arrive. I’m saying my ABC’s in my head when I hear a ding and I feel the chair start forward and then it quickly stops. I open my eyes as Max lifts me from the chair. He cradles me in his arms until we hit the first floor. When the doors open, we all exit and start walking towards the door while Max is still carrying me in his arms. I don’t care that I might look ridiculous. I wrap my arm around his neck and bury my face there and breathe in his scent. It’s calming me and I begin to relax. I hear automatic doors open and then feel the outside air hit me and it feels wonderful. Autumn is starting but the sun is still bright and its warmth feels perfect. This is perfect except for leaving Max but he surprises me when he sets me in the car after my aunt Savannah opens the door and squats next to me on the outside.

  “So, I need your phone number,” he says as he pulls out his phone and swipes the screen. He starts typing while still talking. “I’ll come by after work. I’m pretty sure I’ll be off at my normal time, four o’clock, but if something happens and I’m running late, I’ll try my best to text or call you. You’re going to your grandma’s? Your home, right?” When I don’t say anything, he looks up at me. He can see the relief on my face and smiles. “Really? Did you think I was going to wait days to see you?” he actually looks surprised and I shrug my shoulders. “Do you want me there?” “Yes,” I whisper. “Then I’m there. Just like I said.”

  I tell him my number and watch him type it in and then I hear my phone peep. “Now you have mine too. See you in a few hours.” He stands up and starts to close the door. My aunt Savannah is in the back seat with me and my grandma is up front with Aunt Paige driving. When I start to look forward and reach for my seat belt, the door stops from closing and opens back up and Max leans in. “Sorry, but I have to,” and he gives me quick peck on the cheek. “See you tonight,” he says, and with that, he closes the door and when I hear my aunt Paige and aunt Savannah giggle I look to them. “What?” I ask, and I hear my grandma say to them, “Well girls, maybe we’re not going to need all ten gallons of that rocky road ice cream,” and they all start to laugh but I just smile. “Oh, it’s not going to go to waste,” I hear Aunt Paige say.

  My aunt Paige hits the volume control on her radio and Maroon 5 comes on with Adam Levine singing, “Sugar,” and she and Aunt Savannah start singing and car-dancing along. Before I realize, I’m swaying and singing along and when I glance up I catch my aunt Paige’s eyes in the mirror. She smiles and blows me a kiss. I can’t help it, I smile. I can’t believe I’m actually smiling. I know I only have a couple of days before detectives will be by to discuss what plans the DA has on the charges against Rocky. I let the thoughts go—I’m going to enjoy being alive.

  When we pull up in front of the house I see my dad’s truck along with one of his construction company work trucks. Along the street I notice Jesse’s mustang, Bradley’s Crossfire, Abigail’s convertible VW bug, and Jake’s truck. Uncle Duke and Uncle Brock’s trucks are parked towards the back of the house and Nash and Chase’s bikes are sitting shaded under the carport. Okay, they’re all here? I take a deep breath when my grandma turns around in her seat to look at me. “They’re worried, sweetheart. They’re going over the house to make sure it’s secured. The police came by and checked on things and they think Rocky came in through your bathroom window that night, so all our big strong men are feeling like they let us down by not making sure we were secure,” she says. Shit, I hadn’t thought of that. He must have come through the window because my door was closed, right? I jerk my eyes back to my grandma and crinkle my forehead, trying to think if I had it locked or not. Did I? I try not to, but I feel it coming—panic. But my aunt Savannah grabs my hand. “Jayc, he’s locked up. He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s going away for a long, long time. He won’t be able to hurt you or anyone else again.”

  For a normal human, yes, she’s right. But he’s not normal, he’s a monster, and so that doesn’t apply to Rocky.

  I look back at the house and will myself to calm down. I’ve hurt them enough. I need to give them some peace. When I hear a tap on my window I jump, but when the door opens my Bradley bends in. “Welcome home, Jaycee,” and he reaches in for my hand, pulls me out and gives me a hug.

  I step out into the sunshine and turn my face up to the sky. God, that feels good. “Hey hon
ey,” I hear, and my dad comes forward and hugs me as I see my aunts walk to my uncles. When he releases me everyone takes turns giving me hugs and welcoming me home and then I see Violet come out the front screen door with Abigail standing behind her. Violet starts down the stairs towards me and then she starts to cry, which makes me start to cry and then it’s a chain reaction—my sister and my aunts join in, followed by my grandma. Normally, this would cue the men to make an exit, but not this time. She walks up to me and pulls me into a big hug and just keeps her arms around me and when she pulls back she gives me a watery smile. “Welcome home.”

  “Thank you, Violet,” I squeak out with emotion and then Violet turns and claps her hands and says to everyone, “Brisket is ready, so let’s eat!” We all watch the men speed-walk into the house and us women start to laugh. I glance over to Violet who is standing still as the other women look back to us and then start towards the house too. She finally looks to me. “I’m okay. Or, I will be,” I try to assure her. “Oh, honey, I know,” she keeps looking at with glassy eyes.

  “Listen, I’ve been wanting to give you something for a while and well, I guess I felt it wasn’t my place, but now I see that was a foolish notion. So, right here and now, I’m not wasting any more time because I almost lost you and I don’t know if you ever would have really known how I feel.” She takes a deep breath. “A few years ago, I gave Abigail a string of pearls and I remember how much you loved them. In my family, tradition was for the moms to give a string to their daughters, and the only reason I didn’t give you one too was because I was afraid of overstepping my role in your life. Because I’ve never been sure where we stand. I didn’t want to bypass your grandma. But I spoke to her and found out she was waiting for me to do it,” she laughs and shakes her head. “I guess she knew I would.” She starts pulling a long slender case from her sweater pocket and hands it to me. “I want you to know you may not be my daughter by blood, but you are my daughter, and I don’t want us to waste any more time. I know you have your grandma, but I’d like to be your friend.”

  I pull open the box and remove the velvet bag, which has another box inside and when I pull it out and open it, there’s a beautiful string of pearls. Tears and more tears, but this time happy tears. “Thank you,” I say, thick with emotion. She’s right, I loved the pearls she gave Abigail but I wasn’t jealous in the least. I love my sister and Violet, and my grandparents gave me more love than I could ever ask for, so no, I was never jealous. Not ever knowing my mom, I never knew the loss, so it just was what it was. I didn’t really think on it or dwell on it because my life was good but this, in this moment, I see how much more it can still be. “Thank you so much, Violet.” I wipe my face. “I love you,” I hug her and as she says in my ear, “Love you too,” we break and she grabs my hand. “I made fudge. Peanut butter. Your favorite.” Hearing that is almost as good as the beautiful pearls. I love Violet’s peanut butter fudge.

  After enjoying a huge lunch of brisket smothered in barbeque sauce, potato salad, baked beans, and cole slaw—the sweet kind, not the vinegar—and creamed corn, I stuff myself with the best peanut butter fudge on the planet.

  Chapter 21

  After stuffing our faces with brisket, we sit out on the front porch talking. I’ve been thinking about Max all day, but I don’t want to seem needy and clingy so I haven’t called him. He works at a hospital and has patients so there’s no telling when he’ll get here, even though he thought he’d get off at his normal time. Part of me is holding my breath and part is just happy to finally be home and safe while Rocky is locked up. My uncle Duke stands up and walks over to me and reaches for my hand. “Let’s walk,” he says. I stand and follow him, but he pulls me close so I wrap my arms around his waist and he has his arm draped over my shoulder. My big tough cowboy is one of the most loveable people ever. There are no barriers. He gives and gives. Pure.

  “Jaycee, your grandpa, he was just head over heels for you and Abigail and your brothers. When he was sick, he pulled me aside and asked me, you know, to step up,” he says and he shifts uncomfortably for the first time that I’ve ever seen. He pulls me to sit with him on the back porch steps. “I know you have your dad and Uncle Brock and all those numbskull boys and they all bring something to you, for you and Abigail,” he looks to me and continues, “and he knew that too.” He looks to the sky as if asking my grandpa to help with saying what he needs to say. “I think you need to hear this. Jayc, you were a miracle baby. Not just for your grandparents, after losing their daughter, but for everyone.” He takes my hand but keeps looking forward. “When you were born, you were premature and really sick. Something happened with your blood. We didn’t think you were going to make it. The doctors said you wouldn’t,” he says and he shakes his head, trying to shake off the memory.

  “As a last-ditch effort, one doctor suggested a blood transfusion and your dad gave the okay, but it didn’t work.” He finally looks to me and says, “Your dad was about to lose his mind, Jaycee. He had been out in the field in training that morning when your mom went into labor and it took a while to get word to him and get him back to her, to you.” I sit shocked. How did I not know any of this? But I sit quietly and listen as he goes on. “Your mom, she was real sick. We didn’t think she was going to make it either. I’m not all too sure about the details on what happened or why, but what I do know is your dad was about to kill that doctor, and yelled at him to do it again. He ordered the doctor to keep giving you new blood until it worked.” He laughs lightly. “Jesse and your dad, wild cards,” he chuckles, and shakes his head. “The doctor ordered another one and when you started to improve, one more was ordered and you started coming back to us. You weighed just over four pounds.” He looks at me and smiles.

  “You were tough and hard-headed then and you still are.” He takes a deep breath. “You had all these grown men and boys standing around the nursery’s window, watching in awe of the fight you were giving and your strength. This sick, tiny, four-pound little girl was stronger than any of us. Even when you were tiny and weak, you kept fighting. You fought back from death’s door then, and again…” and he stands up and walks off a little but comes back and kneels in front of me, cups my face with his hands, and as I look into his eyes for a second, I see my grandpa in his blue eyes. “And you fought again in that field. What I need you to do is always remember how strong you are. I will be here and so will the rest of them, but if somehow we’re not, you have that strength and fight in you all by yourself and I want you to always remember that.” He leans in and kisses my head.

  “Honey, do you understand what I’m trying to say? In here,” he says, and he points to my heart. “And here,” he points to my head. “You’re so much stronger than I think you even know,” and he wipes the couple of tears that fall from my eyes. “Honey, no one ever told you because I honestly just think it didn’t come up and after your mom’s death, well, we just all healed from that point on, but I think your grandpa somehow willed me to tell you all this. That it would mean something for you to know now,” he finishes, and I smile and he looks around and smiles back. “He’s still everywhere.” I lean in to hug him and whisper in his ear, “Every time I look into your eyes, I know he’s here.” I feel him squeeze me just a little tighter. He stands and pulls me to stand too. “Let’s get back and see what everyone is up to.” We walk back around to the house and I see my dad sitting on the porch swing, bent over with his elbows and arms to his legs, watching us closely and in that moment I feel the closest I’ve ever felt to him. I walk up to him as he stands and I hug him for what seems like forever. “Thank you, Dad,” I say, and he looks confused but I don’t explain. I just give him a kiss on his bearded cheek and walk into the house feeling stronger than I have in a while.

  My aunt, uncles, dad, and Violet leave for home and Grandma turns in for the night. Abigail and I are cuddled around Bradley on the porch swing while he pushes us back and forth with his heels and Jake and Chase are sitt
ing in the rockers while and Nash sit on the porch steps. Nash is talking about some drills he’s been doing in training, while Jake and Jesse share that it’s just same ol’ same ol’ with them. Chase is busy with school and working with our dad on a new project. Bradley shares he’ll start working with my dad too, and that Connor should be down later tonight and he’s pretty excited about seeing him. Abigail and I share a look that says we know how very lucky we are as we sit quietly listening to them, both of us just content with being here. Things are finally returning to normal.

  It’s a weekday, so we work together to clean up the kitchen and move everything back to where it goes. Soon everyone is saying their goodbyes. It’s down to Bradley, Jake, and me when I see a car coming up the drive. I look to Jake and he’s watching the car and smiling. He gives a short burst of laughter. “Well, I guess he did warn me when he said he wasn’t backing away,” and he walks towards the car. It’s parked a little further back because of the couple of cars still in the drive. I see Jake walk to the driver’s door as it opens. I can’t see anything but I can hear voices, and they’re coming closer. My lungs finally release a full breath as I see Max walk out of the shadows towards me. I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face and he has the same reaction. “Sorry I’m late, Jaycee,” he walks to where he’s only inches from me and I look up to him and say, “It’s okay. You hungry?” he keeps looking down at me and says, “Sure.” I turn to walk towards the door and he follows when I hear Jake and Bradley laughing. “Well, it seems y’all are going to be okay, so we’re taking off.” Jake is bunking at Nash’s and Bradley is heading to his parents’ home. I guess Connor couldn’t take another day without him and is driving in from Dallas after his shift. With me being so jumpy, they thought it would be best if I had a bit of privacy my first couple of days back—what they don’t know is it’s the exact opposite.