Coming Up for Air

by Miranda Kenneally

  “But I had my heart set on the groomsmen wearing football uniforms,” Coach Woods jokes.

  “And the bridesmaids will be in cheerleading skirts,” Sam replies.

  Coach Woods punches his shoulder, which makes him laugh and kiss her.

  “Let’s compromise,” Sam says to his fiancé. “You can wear the cheerleading outfit on our honeymoon.”

  The parents roll their eyes.

  I leave them to their planning and go back to Mom’s office. She’s busy playing with one of her Pinterest boards online. She posts a picture of the baby shower she catered a couple weeks ago, specifically the yellow place mats and the individual tiny white flower arrangements at each place setting.

  I sit down across from her.

  “Hey, Tadpole.” The sweatshirt I’m wearing with Levi’s name on it catches her attention. “Is that Levi’s?”

  I feel myself blushing. “He gave it to me for my birthday.”

  “You guys made up?”

  “Not specifically,” I say. “But we’re back to normal.”

  Mom clicks the mouse on her laptop. “That’s how it is with good friends. Actually, that’s how it is between your dad and me.”

  “Really?”

  “You know we argue all the time,” Mom says with a fond smile.

  “Yeah, but it’s about little stuff. Like what to name your aioli sauce.”

  “I think we get along so well because we fight about the things that bother us, rather than stewing about them.”

  “Levi and I had a big fight,” I say. “We’d never really had a little one.”

  Mom turns away from her laptop to concentrate on me. “The good news is that you’ve made it through a bad fight. Your friendship is solid, and if you have another one—though I hope you don’t—you both will be okay.”

  “I hope so too.”

  “But why are you wearing his sweatshirt? That seems like an awfully couple-y gift.”

  I blush. “I’ve wanted this for years. He probably got sick of me trying to steal it.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Like I said, it seems very couple-y. It reminds me of how your dad gave me his college ring.”

  “It’s just a sweatshirt.”

  She smiles knowingly. “Whatever you say, Tadpole.”

  After mooching dinner from the sample Americana food Dad is proposing for the Woods-Henry wedding, I walk down the street to my house. It’s finally that time of year when the sun doesn’t go down before I get home. As I walk, I stare at the pink and purple cotton candy sunset, and bring Levi’s sweatshirt to my nose. It still smells like him. At some point I will have to wash it, but I’m not ready to yet.

  Later that night, Levi texts me when I’m already in bed. It’s only eight o’clock, but I’m exhausted from lifting weights today. Coach Josh is so evil I often discover muscles I didn’t know I had. Like, why is my left inner thigh on fire?

  Levi’s message reads: Can you come over? Need to show you something.

  I climb out of bed, wincing at my sore hamstrings. A month ago I would’ve fixed my hair, put on cute underwear and a lacy bra, and slathered lotion on my body. Maybe I would’ve even worn a little lip gloss. Tonight I pull on his sweatshirt and ripped jeans over my cotton underwear and sports bra.

  When I get to his place, I expect to find him out front waiting on me, but he’s not there. His mom is on the front porch, though, drinking a glass of red wine while flipping through a file folder. Country music softly pours out of a speaker. Pepper is lying on the stoop secured to her leash. I’m surprised the dog’s not with Levi, wherever he is.

  “Maggie, hi,” Ms. Lucassen says, setting down her glass and standing to give me a hug. “Levi’s out back by the lake,” she says. Pepper lumbers to her feet and barks and wags her tail, itching to tag along with me.

  “No, baby,” Ms. Lucassen tells the dog. “You have to stay with me tonight.”

  Okay, that’s weird.

  I edge around the side of the house and make my way across the green grass toward the water. I try not to think about the first time we kissed out here. If I had a time machine, I would go back to warn myself not to start something that wouldn’t end well. Our kisses—our hookups—they felt like winning races, but they weren’t worth almost losing my best friend.

  They weren’t worth my heart feeling this broken.

  I find Levi down by the lake. He’s wearing a ball cap turned backward, a gray, long-sleeved tee, athletic shorts, and sneakers. It’s warm enough he doesn’t need the tights anymore.

  “Mags,” he calls. “Watch where you step.”

  Huh?

  He points at the sand, where I see tiny shadows shuffling in the moonlight.

  Turtles!

  “Martha’s babies!” I squeal.

  They emerge covered with sand, poking up their little heads. They are so tiny! Like the size of a sand dollar. They make their way down to the water, crawling over pebbles.

  We watch as they continue to emerge one by one from the sand, entering the great big unknown that will either carry you or let you sink, unless you learn to swim and master it.

  “Thanks for inviting me to come watch,” I say, and we settle into a nice silence with the brand new turtles. It’s funny to imagine one of these little guys becoming a resident terror turtle like Martha one day.

  “Maggie,” he says quietly, turning toward me. “Can we talk?”

  “Of course.”

  He takes off his cap and drags a hand through his hair. “I realized something in Atlanta.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I wasn’t as happy as I thought I’d be after I got my cuts in 100.”

  “What’s wrong?” I rush to say. “You’ve been working toward this your whole life!” After winning first place at Junior Nationals and qualifying for a second event at the Olympic trials, his name was splashed all over the Tennessee papers, and the major swimming websites mentioned his name as a serious swimmer to watch in the NCAA when he goes to college. Even USA Swimming tweeted about him qualifying in a second event. Everything is coming together for him. Is he starting to feel pressured like Jason?

  But what comes out of my best friend’s mouth is not about feeling pressured. It’s not what I expect at all.

  “I miss you.”

  I touch his arm. “I’m right here, Leaves.”

  “I made a serious mistake. I shouldn’t have tried to push you away… I was scared. I’ve never had a girlfriend before and wasn’t ready to deal with the idea of fitting that into my schedule. But the truth is, I want…I want you more than anything.”

  I gasp.

  “I know I was an ass,” he goes on, stepping closer to gently touch the frayed hem of my sweatshirt. My body begins to tremble all over. I can’t breathe.

  “Do you like Noah?” he asks.

  I shrug a little. I do like the idea of going out with a guy and just having fun. Where there’s not much risk involved. But is love without risk really love at all? Or is it a shortcut to nowhere?

  My heart hurt so much after Levi broke it. To be honest, it’s still cracked, and it’s been hard work piecing it back together. I’m glad our friendship survived, but I am not sure I want to risk it again.

  Plus, I don’t have my cuts yet. I need to stay focused. Now is not the time for more emotional ups and downs. I only have bandwidth to focus on one thing—swimming or this thing with Levi—and right now, swimming comes first.

  “I want to see how my date with Noah goes, I guess,” I say quietly.

  He grasps my hands. “Before the state championship,” he starts, “you said we should talk after the race. I wasn’t ready then, but I am now.”

  A tear drips down my cheek. “Levi, I love you.”

  His eyes flare. “I love you t—”

  I interrupt him before I start b
awling. “You’re my best friend, but what you did to me sucked so much. It was the most important race of my life, and you hurt me so you wouldn’t have to deal with your feelings.”

  “And I told you. I know I was a dick that day. I’m asking for another chance.” His eyes are bright blue and shiny like the sparkling stars above.

  I stare out at the beach. Another baby turtle pokes his head out of the ground. He emerges from the hole, gangly and dirty with sand. He walks purposefully down to the water, where little waves lap over his shell and clean him up.

  I turn and reach for Levi. He swallows me in a hug. His body fits perfectly against mine. It would be so easy to tilt my chin so he can kiss along my jaw. But I’m trembling worse than I did at my driver’s test.

  I’ve lost races in my life. Quite a few actually, and every single one hurt. Not one race—not even losing that state championship race to Roxy—hurt as much as Levi deliberately trying to push me away. How bad would it hurt if I let him back in and he left me again?

  What happens when we leave for college?

  “I need some time to think,” I say, pulling away. “And some sleep.”

  His face is sad as he nods. “I’ll pick you up in the morning.”

  I squeeze his hands. “Good night.”

  After one last look at the tiny turtles, I head home.

  • • •

  “Maggie! Why don’t you own anything cute?”

  “They’re pajamas,” I reply. “Not a prom dress.”

  Georgia came over to help me plan for my date next weekend, and digging through my pajama drawer frustrates her to no end.

  “You need something sexy!”

  “No, I don’t. These red pajamas are fine.”

  She gives my plaid pj’s a horrified look. “My granddad wears those.”

  At first I was excited about having a date to the pajama party. Then Levi told me how he feels. Part of me wonders if I should cancel on Noah, but that seems rude. And probably premature, because I have no idea what to do about Levi.

  Georgia opens my laptop and types “sexy pajamas” into the search engine. “Oooh, what about this leopard print?”

  “Georgia. No.”

  “C’mon! How about these policewoman pajamas? You can carry handcuffs.”

  “No! What are you going to wear?” I ask her.

  “Hello Kitty.”

  That gives me an idea. I type into the search box. Pictures pop up and Georgia’s eyes balloon. “That’s definitely sexy.”

  I click on the pajamas and order them because they remind me of Levi.

  “Are you going with David?”

  She nods. “Get this. My mother loves him.”

  “Really?” That’s surprising. Georgia’s mom sticks her nose up at pretty much everybody, even the preacher at church.

  “I was shocked,” Georgia says. “At first it made me wonder whether Hunter is right, that I could do better, because who wants to date a guy their totally strict mother approves of? But then David kissed me, and it was pretty good.”

  I smile. “So you’re sticking with him?”

  “For now. We’re having fun.”

  “Is it serious?”

  She looks down at her twined fingers. “I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m ready for serious yet. I like what you said about experimenting, because I’m getting used to dating again…and part of me wants to be single when I get to college.”

  Based on the magazines in Mom’s office at King’s Royal Engagements, it seems like society doesn’t interpret being single as a positive. We spend a lot of time dressing up, putting on makeup, removing unwanted hair, going on dates, all in the hope of finding someone to spend our lives with.

  Before Levi, nothing—not even finding a soul mate—was as important as swimming. Now? I want someone to talk to at night, to tell about how practice went that day. I want to cuddle with a guy who finishes my sentences…and works out the annoying knots in my shoulders.

  But it’s okay to be single too. I’m glad Georgia’s figuring out what she wants, or in this case, simply going with the flow. She’s okay with being with a guy who might be great for now, but maybe not forever.

  The next day at lunch, the sophomore who lives in Levi’s neighborhood appears at our table. She scoots a chair between Levi and me. I raise my eyebrows at him, only to find he’s focused on her.

  “Patches had such a good time playing with Pepper yesterday,” she says. “My mom was pissed the dog came home all wet and muddy, but Patches was happy.”

  Levi grins. “My dog is totally going to corrupt your dog.”

  “Can they play again soon?”

  “I have practice every day this week, but maybe Friday after school? By the way, do you know my friends?” He introduces us all to Rebecca.

  She looks at me for a sec, then turns back to Levi. “There’s going to be a puppy bowl at the pajama party this year. Do you and Pepper want to come with me and Patches?”

  Levi looks at me over Rebecca’s shoulder. “If I’m not too tired that night, then sure. Pepper always likes getting out of the house.”

  My heart deflates. Levi told me he wants another chance, and I said I needed time to consider it. How much time do I get? I hope he’s not interested in Rebecca—but even if he isn’t, there will eventually be another girl.

  It’s something I don’t want to think about.

  • • •

  The day before the pajama party, I’m lounging on the back deck in my bikini, trying to tan. And by trying to tan, I mean burn. The thing about my skin is it will eventually bronze, but it has to burn a little first. Then I turn from a lobster into a giant freckle.

  Tanning is the perfect excuse to relax and figure out my life. Try to, anyway. A flock of geese fly across blue skies in a perfect V. If only my relationship with Levi was that clear.

  I love him. I want a relationship with him. But we’re going to different colleges, and both of us have full plates. Do we need to add one more stressor? More than anything, I want him to be happy—and for me to be happy too. He said I’m more important to him than swimming. I believe that. And I believe he wants to be with me. A sharp pain fills my chest at the idea of losing him.

  Mom pokes her head out the back door. “Tadpole, Hunter’s here. He’s in the den.”

  I take off my sunglasses, slip my cover-up over my head, and go inside to find Hunter hunched over on the couch, his eyes puffy and red.

  “Are you okay?” I say in a rush.

  Looking up at me, he nods slowly. “Can I have something to drink, please?”

  In the kitchen I pour him a glass of water, then rejoin him on the couch, where he’s staring at the unlit fireplace.

  “What’s up?”

  He takes the water from my hand, drinking most of it in one go. “Shelby ended it with me for good.”

  “What? I thought you guys were going to stay casual until you leave!”

  “We had a big fight about whatever the hell our relationship is. She said things would be different if I were going to college somewhere nearby…so I told her I’d back out of the Air Force Academy if that’s what it took.” My eyes go wide, and he goes on. “I said I’d go to school in Tennessee. And then she got really mad.”

  “Why?”

  He sets the empty glass on the side table. “She said she wasn’t letting me throw away the Air Force for her. I’m going there because every guy in my family went…and I want to serve my country, but I want her too.”

  Hunter leans over and buries his face in his hands. I rub his shoulder.

  “Shelby said we need to end this now before we get in any deeper, and I told her I love her…and then she asked me to leave.”

  “Oh God,” I mumble. “That sucks.”

  “I know she loves me.”

  Based on what
she said at the baseball game, I think she does too. “Hunter, Shelby really cares about you. That’s why she wants you to go to the Air Force Academy. You’ve been working toward it for so long. You’re going to be their star pitcher!”

  He smiles a little. His stomach suddenly rumbles.

  “Hungry?”

  “Not really.”

  It rumbles again.

  “Not hungry, my ass.” I fish my cell phone out of the sofa cushions to order takeout. “Pizza?”

  Hunter rubs his watery eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “It’s Jiffy Burger night.”

  “We don’t have to go. I’ll invite everybody over here.”

  “That sounds good. I don’t much feel like going out.”

  I message Georgia and Levi to get their butts over to my house. We’re doing something different for dinner.

  Georgia arrives ten minutes later, followed closely by Levi. She sees that Hunter is totally wrecked and sits with him on the couch. Levi joins me on the love seat.

  We’ve talked since he declared his feelings for me but not about anything important—unless you count his story about Pepper escaping her bath at the groomer’s, darting through the pet store, and shaking soapy water all over a cage full of angry hamsters.

  My nose catches a whiff of Levi’s cedar scent, reminding me of the time we got tangled up on these cushions and he worshipped my body.

  When Levi sees me looking at him, he clears his throat. “What’s going on? Why aren’t we going to Jiffy Burger?”

  Hunter goes through his story again for Georgia and Levi, and she throws herself at Hunter, hugging him tight.

  “I’m here for you,” Georgia whispers to him, and he rests his forehead against hers.

  Levi and I stare at each other.

  I can’t imagine life without him. And even though we’re going to separate colleges, I would figure out how to make it work. I could do long distance. I’d video chat with him every night. I’d take the risk of not seeing my boyfriend every day for us to be together. I would want him any way I can have him.

  But I still don’t know whether I could stand the pain of losing him again.

  The pizza arrives, and my friends sit in the den to eat. Georgia also raids Dad’s party supply closet, finding fake coconut cups with little umbrellas. We drink our water out of them as if we’re lounging at the beach together.