The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books)

by Geoff Tibballs

  POLICE ORDER COVER-UP

  Police in Iasi, Romania, have ordered women to cover up after receiving saucy snapshots on identity card applications. Officers said some of the pictures were so revealing that it was impossible to tell whether the women were wearing any clothes. Police chief Viorel Scutaru complained: “We had many cases when ladies came wearing very sexy tops so that from the picture you believe she’s naked. But this is official ID, so it should be decent.”

  EXPERTS SOLVE TOMATO MYSTERY

  Puzzled by the lack of tomatoes on her plant, a 70-year-old British gardener took it along to a recording of the BBC radio series Gardeners’ Question Time, where the experts informed her that it was actually a cannabis plant.

  GYM TEACHER TAKES BRIBES FROM STUDENTS

  A gym teacher at a school in Pensacola, Florida, was put on three years’ probation in 2006 after pleading guilty to taking around $230 in bribes from six students so that they could skip his class. Terence Braxton collected $1 a day in return for allowing students to miss gym but the scam came to light when one of the students eventually told his parents.

  HOTEL OWNER BANS ENTIRE TOWN

  An Australian motel owner living in New Zealand became so angered by the “awful behaviour” of local people that in 2009 he banned all 16,000 residents of Wainuiomata from his establishment. Former Sydney resident Steve Donnelly claimed the North Island town of Wainuiomata was full of young “troublemakers” and “bad people” who regularly trashed his motel. He accused groups of youngsters from the town of engaging in vandalism, spitting, swearing and playing loud music at night. He said: “We have had about 100 people from there over the last couple of years – and maybe one that we liked.” The ban provoked fury among New Zealanders. Trevor Mallard, an MP who was born and bred in Wainuiomata, said of the country’s answer to Basil Fawlty: “I’m not surprised, he’s Australian.”

  FAMILY TREE SEARCH PROVES IN VAIN

  Ian Lewis from Lancashire devoted 20 years of his life to tracing his family tree back to the seventeenth century. Travelling the length and breadth of Britain, he spoke to more than 2,000 relatives and proudly announced his intention to write a book about how his great-grandfather had left to seek his fortune in Russia and how his grandfather had been expelled following the revolution. It was compelling stuff, but just as Mr Lewis was about to start work on his tome he discovered that he had been adopted when he was a month old and that his real name was David Thorton. He immediately resolved to begin his family research all over again.

  PET SHOP ORDERS FISH, GETS COFFIN

  Owing to a mix-up at Philadelphia Airport, a local pet shop that was expecting a shipment of tropical fish received a dead body instead. Shop owner Mark Arabia went out to the delivery man’s vehicle to collect the $1,000 fish consignment but was stunned to be given a coffin containing the body of a 65-year-old man from San Diego, California. Mr Arabia said: “At first when I looked at the coffin, I thought to myself, ‘Fish never come this way.’”

  BANK BLOCKS PASSWORD PROTEST

  Blaming Lloyds Bank for a holiday insurance muddle which left him with a $2,000 bill following a skiing accident, disgruntled computer consultant Steve Jetley, from Shrewsbury, changed his bank account password to “Lloyds is Pants”. He said: “It was half joke, half protest, and Lloyds staff usually burst out laughing when I used it.” But on calling the Lloyds TSB business centre in Birmingham in 2008, Mr Jetley was furious to discover that staff had changed his password to “No We Are Not”. He immediately demanded it be re-set to “Lloyds is Rubbish”. When told that was inappropriate, he tried “Barclays is Better”, and when that, too, was rejected, he went for “Censorship”, but was informed the word could only be six letters. Finally he suggested “Faeces”, only to be advised that new rules meant the characters had to be numbers, not letters. While Lloyds were apologizing for the fact that a staff member had broken banking rules by changing a customer’s password without consent, Mr Jetley was trying to think of a cunning new password that he could slip past the censors.

  HUSBAND SURPRISED TO MEET WIFE IN BROTHEL

  A Polish man received the shock of his life in 2008 when he visited a brothel and found his wife working there. She had told him that she was working at a store; his excuse for being present was not reported. The couple, who had been married for 14 years, announced they were divorcing.

  MARRIAGE COUNSELLING SESSION ENDS IN GUNFIGHT

  When Michael Martin arrived late, drinking a beer, for a marriage counselling session at their local church in Fresno, California, his wife Bonnie stormed off. Police said he responded by pulling out a gun and shooting at her. Wounded, she reached into her purse and pulled out her own gun to fire back. The gunfight continued into the church parking lot. Afterwards the Rev. Bud Searcy remarked: “It’s a good thing that he had been drinking because he could have hit her more. He was a lousy shot.”

  HUSBAND PUTS NAGGING WIFE UP FOR SALE

  Builder Gary Bates became so fed up with wife Donna’s incessant nagging that he put her up for sale in a trade magazine. His advert in Trade-It read: “Nagging Wife. No Tax, No MOT. Very high maintenance – some rust.” Mrs Bates, from Ebley, Gloucestershire, was put in the “Free to Collect” section of the magazine – the same section in which her husband advertised his fishing tackle. To his surprise, he was inundated with calls from men offering to take her off his hands. “I didn’t think anyone would ring up,” he said, “but I’ve had at least nine or ten people calling about her. It’s gone mad. There was no one I knew – just people asking, ‘Is she still available?’” Meanwhile 40-year-old Mrs Bates protested: “I don’t think I do nag him. He just doesn’t do what I want him to, that’s all.”

  “GIRLFRIEND LASHED OUT WITH PROSTHETIC LEG”

  Greg Gale tried to escape his girlfriend’s fury on two legs, only to be beaten with a third. Police said Tammy Johnson saw red and argued with Gale in Midland, Michigan, hitting him over the head with his spare prosthetic leg as he tried to flee the house.

  PREGNANT WOMAN SENDS EX 10,783 TEXTS

  Convinced that she was pregnant by her ex-boyfriend Timothy Mortimore, 23-year-old Lee Amor of Brixham, Devon, bombarded him with 10,783 abusive text and phone messages in just 65 days – an average of around one every eight minutes. It turned out that the father was someone else anyway.

  BROTHERS’ FEUD OVER MOTHER’S WELFARE

  In Little Rock, Arkansas, in 1995, a 41-year-old man clubbed his 32-year-old brother with a handgun and fired two shots at him in a dispute over which of the two siblings would take their mother to her doctor’s appointment.

  ANGRY WIFE SMASHES UP WRONG CAR

  Furious after a row with her husband, a German woman decided to smash up his Ford Fiesta, but after doing $1,300 worth of damage, she realized that she had attacked her neighbour’s Opel Corsa by mistake.

  MAN PLANS TO MARRY WOMAN WHO TORE OFF HIS TESTICLE

  A Tennessee man announced his intention to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles. In 2001, following a row about another woman, Aretha Oneal used her fingernails to rip off one of boyfriend Dennis Ross’s testicles while he lay asleep on the bed. It was an act which might have put something of a strain on a lesser relationship but Ross simply drove himself to a Nashville hospital, where the testicle was successfully reattached, and resolutely refused to press charges. Nevertheless the state did prosecute Oneal who was sentenced to 81 days in prison, including compulsory attendance at anger management sessions. Awaiting her release, Ross remained a paragon of forgiveness. “I love that girl,” he said. “That’s my heart, my soul, and that’s my better half. I can’t wait to marry her.”

  ACCOUNTANT BITES OFF EX-LOVER’S EAR

  When a female accountant bumped into her former boyfriend a few weeks after he had dumped her, a bitter argument broke out which ended with her biting off part of his ear and spitting it onto the floor. Louise Croxson lunged forward and sank her teeth into Andrew Robbins after a Lond
on pub night out with friends in 2007 descended into a drunken row. Ignoring his screams of agony, Croxson kept her jaw locked onto his earlobe until it was completely severed. She then spat the mangled piece of flesh onto the floor of the pub. The lobe was saved only because one of the bar staff picked it up and put it in an ice bucket so that surgeons could reattach it.

  WOMAN KNOCKS OUT HUSBAND WITH POTATO

  Police were called to a house in Nicholson, Georgia, in 2007 after a woman knocked out her husband with a potato. She hurled the potato after he had called her a rude name and it him square on the nose, knocking him out cold. He decided not to press charges.

  VIRTUAL AFFAIR LEADS TO REAL DIVORCE FOR COUPLE

  A woman filed for divorce in 2008 after discovering her husband had been cheating on her in an online fantasy adventure. Amy Taylor met husband Dave Pollard in an Internet chat room in 2003 and they later set up home in Newquay, Cornwall. Both joined Second Life, an online community where players adopt imaginary personas, called avatars. Taylor was represented in the game by a slim, dark-haired young woman with a penchant for cowboy outfits while Pollard appeared as a sharp-suited muscleman with long hair. In reality, he was plump and balding. They first wed in a virtual ceremony held in an exotic tropical setting before tying the knot for real at a register office, but the marriage ran into trouble after Taylor allegedly caught her husband’s avatar having cyber sex with a virtual prostitute in 2007. She said she had fallen asleep and when she woke up, she saw the pair cavorting on the computer screen. She gave him another chance but the following year she caught his avatar cuddling a woman onscreen on a sofa. “It looked really affectionate,” said Taylor. “He confessed he’d been talking to this woman player in America for one or two weeks, and said our marriage was over.” According to reports, both quickly found new online lovers. Pollard’s Second Life profile said he was virtually engaged again and could not wait to marry his new fiancée in real life while Taylor apparently hooked up with someone from another cyber-universe, World of Warcraft.

  CHANCE MEETING SHATTERS COUPLE’S ALIBIS

  A Romanian couple each had a lot of explaining to do after bumping into one another at a seaside resort while both were pretending to be somewhere else. Victor Dragomirescu and his wife Lucica were talking to each other on their cell phones on the beach at Mamaia on the Black Sea. Victor was complaining about how much work he had to do at his parents’ house, many miles away, while Lucica was wailing that she was too ill to get out of bed at their home in Ploiesti. However their covers were blown when they realized they were standing next to each other. After the conversation had come to an abrupt end, the Dragomirescus conceded that a divorce was the most likely outcome.

  “ITALIAN SHOT NEIGHBOUR’S UNDERWEAR”

  A woman went to bring in her washing in Carnago, Italy, in 2008 . . . and found her underwear riddled with bullet holes. Police said her neighbour, 69-year-old Massimo Lazzaretti, had taken pot shots at her undies with his rifle after the pair had fallen out.

  DIVORCING COUPLE SAW HOUSE IN HALF

  A couple from Cambodia who decided to separate after nearly 40 years of married life avoided expensive lawyers’ fees by sawing their house in half. Following their decision, the husband’s friends helped him move his wife’s belongings to one side of the property before using saws, hammers and chisels to cut the building in two. The wife stayed in the upright part while the husband carried away his half to erect in a field on the other side of Cheach village.

  PILOT ARRESTED FOR STALKING EX-GIRLFRIEND WITH PLANE

  In 2009, police arrested a pilot who they said stalked his ex-girlfriend by repeatedly flying his airplane low over her house. They said Tom Huey made a number of low passes in a Beech single-engine aircraft over a residential neighbourhood of Concord, California. The police department confirmed that it had been investigating reports of a low-flying plane in the area for more than a year. During that time flyers containing derogatory statements about the woman were dropped on lawns in the area – possibly by plane.

  WIFE SHOT DEAD IN EGG DISPUTE

  Walter Jeurgens, a 19-year-old from Germany, was exasperated at being served eggs at every meal by his young wife, Elfreide. He got so fed up with it that he left home but when he decided to return in 1990, Elfreide made the fatal mistake of frying him some eggs as a “welcome back” meal. He promptly shot her dead, telling investigators: “I used to like eggs.”

  HUSBAND JUMPS IN RIVER TO ESCAPE NAGGING WIFE

  A Chinese lorry driver jumped into a fast-flowing river at night in 2009 because he was unable to put up with any more of his wife’s nagging. Mr Zhou and his wife were travelling by ferry on the Yangtze River when he suddenly ran from his cabin, his hands covering his ears, shouting: “I can’t stand it any longer.” As his wife ran after him and continued to harangue him, he jumped overboard into the rushing river. Although the ship’s crew rated his chances of survival as zero, he somehow managed to swim a mile to shore.

  FLIRT LOSES FALSE TEETH DOWN WOMAN’S CLEAVAGE

  A man who tried to chat up a woman in a German nightclub in 2003 accidentally dropped his false teeth down her cleavage. “I wasn’t very interested in him,” said 37-year-old shop assistant Tina Lange, who met the Romeo at a disco in Mannheim, “but when I was leaving he whispered in my ear, ‘I hope we’ll see each other again.’ He then dropped something down my cleavage, which I thought was his phone number.” Later in the evening when she went to fish the number from her breasts, she found that it was a plate of three of his false teeth, which had fallen from his mouth as he had leaned over to whisper.

  HUSBAND’S TARZAN ACT PUTS HIM IN HOSPITAL

  A 66-year-old Romanian man ended up in hospital in 2005 after he tried swinging from tree to tree to escape his wife and go drinking. Stefan Trisca had been locked in the bedroom of his Bacau home by his wife who was sick of him going drinking with his friends, but his Tarzan-style escape backfired when he slipped from a vine and fell 15 feet to the ground, breaking an arm, an ankle and a leg. He moaned: “Unfortunately it was more difficult than it looked in the Tarzan movies and I suppose I forgot to take into account that Tarzan was a lot younger.”

  JEALOUS WIFE SINKS TEETH INTO HUSBAND’S PENIS

  A woman from Osorno, Chile, was arrested in 2007 after she tried to bite off her husband’s penis in a jealous rage. A police spokesman commented: “She said this was the only way to teach her husband a lesson and that it was a proof of love. She is sure he will understand and forgive her.”

  HEARTLESS HUSBAND EYES UP NEW WIFE

  After a Saudi woman donated an eye to restore her husband’s sight, she lost him to another woman – because he couldn’t stand having a one-eyed wife.

  MARRIAGE FOUNDERS OVER 94-YEAR-OLD’S DEMANDS FOR SEX

  A 94-year-old man appeared in court in the Italian town of Chieti in 2000 after his third wife, a 52-year-old woman he met through a marriage agency just five months earlier, had filed for divorce. Asked why he thought the marriage had broken down, the nonagenarian dynamo told the court that it was probably because he had wanted too much sex.

  THREE WIVES GREET DOUBLE BIGAMIST IN HOSPITAL

  Melvyn Reed’s worst fears were realized when he woke up from a triple bypass heart operation in 2005 to find all three of his wives visiting him in hospital at the same time. The 59-year-old company director from Kettering, Northamptonshire, had tried to preserve his secret by staggering his spouses’ visits but to his horror they turned up simultaneously. Reed was trying to pass off his third wife, Lyndsey, as a hospital visitor to his second, Denise, when his first and only legal wife, Jean, appeared. Sensing that something was amiss, the wives held a meeting in the parking lot and learned that they were all married to the same man. While wives two and three were said to be furious, wife one was reported to be standing by him.

  MAN MAILS BLOODY COW’S HEAD TO WIFE’S LOVER

  Learning that his wife was having an affair, Jason Michael Fife, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, s
ent her lover a severed cow’s head with a puncture wound in its skull. Police said he obtained the head from a butcher’s shop, claiming that he wanted it for decoration, and then mailed it frozen so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents. The box became bloody after sitting on the recipient’s doorstep on a warm day in June 2006. After Fife was sentenced to probation and community service, his lawyer said: “My client did step over the line here, but one can certainly understand his frustration, given that the victim was carrying on an affair with my client’s wife. But he now understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow’s head to anybody.”

  HUSBAND GETS FISHING ROD FIXED WHILE TAKING PREGNANT WIFE TO HOSPITAL

  When his heavily pregnant wife began to have contractions in 2001, Steve Phillips wasted no time in driving her to hospital in Wolverhampton. However on the way he noticed a fishing tackle shop and thought it would be the perfect opportunity to make a quick stop to get his rod repaired. Leaving his wife outside in the car, it was 20 minutes before he returned – with a jar of maggots. Understandably Mrs Phillips, who had been in considerable pain during his lengthy absence, was furious and said later: “He put the maggots before our baby!” Her husband explained: “I knew that we would be busy after the birth and I needed the rod fixed first. The maggots were just an afterthought.”