Trigger

by Carol Jean

  “Well you’re not doing a very good job of that. You won’t even look me in the eye.”

  “You keep moving sir, I can’t find you?”

  “What in the Hell are you talking about you stupid girl.”

  “I’m blind sir. I can’t locate you by the sound of your voice, because you’re moving around.”

  There’s that silence. It’s very unsettling. I’m totally vulnerable but she doesn’t care what he does to her.

  Mr. Perry’s voice is very low and sad. “Simon. . . ”

  I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything.

  “He stormed in here after you left, demanding to know what you and I talked about. He saw your note and tore it up. He said he loved you but you wouldn’t have anything to do with him. He said he was going to do everything he could do to make you love him and he ordered me – his own father – not to interfere.”

  Silence. Frustration, futility, and an ache in her heart her mouth speaks what her head can’t justify.

  “Simon . . . loving, beautiful, and brave and the stupidest man I’ve ever met.” Judy is aware she’s yelling with no way to stop. Words she’s wanted to scream at Simon . . . for so long.

  “Why didn’t he tell me what he was going to do? Why did he try to face the mad dogs that are my father and my brother? He had no idea what they were like. He had no experience dealing with vicious sociopaths. They beat my Mom and me all my life. Finally they beat her so bad, she died. They threw her body in the alley and walked away. That is the kind of people they are and that’s the kind of people Simon faced. Did he think he was going to reason with them?

  “I ran from that alley when I found my Mom. I was sixteen and I made by own way since then. I’ve hidden from them all these years. And Simon goes looking for them? God damn you Simon. God damn you to Hell for being so stupid!”

  She’s crying uncontrollably now. She’s knows it’s wrong, but she can’t stop.

  “Did you love him?” Mr. Perry’s voice startles her. It’s low and sad.

  “With all my heart, but I’d been running from him for years. I wouldn’t date him, I wouldn’t take his calls and only when he . . . you . . . tried to destroy my company did I communicate with him.”

  “Why wouldn’t you date him?”

  “Mr. Perry, you and I understand each other. Simon was a king among men. I wasn’t worth walking in his footsteps. You and I both know that. Any connection with me threatened him and I was right. Wasn’t I? That’s why I didn’t hesitate to make that promise to you. I never had any intention of being in his life.

  “But Simon was Simon and he said to me in the hospital that he was almost glad I had the accident, because now I was too hurt to run away from him.”

  Silence for a long time.

  “I always knew that someday by father and brothers would find me and when they did they would kill me and do it just for fun. In my nightmares, I always saw myself with my face bashed in lying in that alley and dead beside my mother.

  “When Simon did what he did, he took my place in that alley. He had no right to do that and forfeited his beautiful life. But he didn’t save me, Mr. Perry, I’m dead too. So what was gained? Absolutely nothing and I’m so angry Mr. Perry that I can’t stand to even be with myself.”

  “You look like Hell.”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  “I saw the news from yesterday. You were talking to the governor, you looked happy enough.”

  “Looks can be deceiving Mr. Perry. I was trapped. Dr. Harter was with me and with him were two children that he mentors. Simon is dead because the media attention alerted my family to where I was and they came for me in the hospital.

  “I couldn’t risk that the attention on me yesterday wouldn’t put those children at risk. What you saw on TV was me begging the governor to protect them and not have them photographed or their names used. He agreed to do that, if I would participate in the event. So I did. You probably saw the State Police around me. That wasn’t for me, Mr. Perry. That was protection for the children.”

  “Why are you shaking?”

  “My body is pretty much done in, Mr. Perry. Yesterday was the first day I had been out since the accident. This is the second time.”

  “Maybe you should sit down, before you fall and sue me.”

  “I won’t. Just tell me how you want me to be punished. But please don’t punish Stalwart. I’ll do whatever you want and then, maybe then I can find some peace. I’m done.”

  “What do you mean, you are done?”

  I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything.

  “Just to ease your mind, Mr. Perry, Simon and I never . . . never made love or had sex. I have never been with a man. I wouldn’t allow that to happen with Simon. But in the end of it, it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. I couldn’t save him. I killed him, Mr. Perry. I am the only one responsible for his death.”

  “I have no intention of punishing you or your company, Miss Mason. Just go. Get the Hell out of my way.”

  It’s as if his fist rammed into her in the stomach. The first time she met Mr. Perry she heard her Dad in his words and voice and now, when she’s hurt, desperate and vulnerable, her Dad is there again: “Get out of my way.”

  The need to crawl in the corner and wrap herself in her blanket is so strong she almost moves. It takes her a second to realize that her blanket isn’t here. Since she hasn’t moved, it’s easy for her to turn around and reach for the door, open it and leave and so she can go search for her blanket.

  Chauncey was waiting outside the door. “I heard everything Miss Mason. You are so wrong I can’t begin to tell you how wrong you are. I think you should wait for Steven to come and get you. I’ve called Clarence and Steven is on his way. You wait here with me.”

  She hears the words, but they’re far away. She counts her steps to the front door and hears that the cab is still waiting like she asked. She gave the driver different directions and he pulled away. It’s as if she’s left her body. It kind of feels like it does when you hold a can of Diet Coke. It’s there, it’s useful and when you don’t need it anymore, you simply throw it away. There are no regrets, no sense of loss or shame. It’s disposable.

  Chapter 37. Slipping Away

  Steven can’t believe what he’s hearing from Chauncey. She wanted Simon’s dad to punish her? Steven knew she never dealt with Simon’s death and he had a plan, but now that’s not going to happen.

  “Where did she go?”

  “I tried to stop her Steven. She just walked past me, like I didn’t exist, got in the cab and left.”

  “Okay.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know. Her people in her apartment say that she hasn’t come back there. I’ll check around her apartment. There’s a park nearby, maybe she got out and walked there. Or got turned around and couldn’t find the door to the building. I don’t know.”

  “I’ll call Clarence. We’ll get the boys and help look too.” Chauncey says. “We’ve got to find her, Steven. She’s really messed up.”

  Chapter 38. Fixing Destiny

  The smell is the same. The sounds are the same. She doesn’t need her eyes. In her mind every crack in the sidewalks, every curb is just as clear as if she could see them.

  Her first stop is to check on BB’s garage. She misses him so much and worse she’s sure he believes she has abandoned him. He’s alone in some junk yard, rusting and hating her.

  She knocks on the elderly couple’s front door. They’re surprised to see her, but she was in the neighborhood and wanted to say hello she says. They’ve rented BB’s garage and everything is working out fine.

  Using the alley instead of going back to the main road, she walks the six blocks to Mr. Chung’s market. She’s walked this alley so many times and today she only stumbles once.

  Mr. Chung is happy to see her and proud of what she’s done, he says. He saw her on the news yesterday, talking to the governor and the other v
ideos. Mr. Chung said he always knew she was better . . . different than her dad and brothers and he’s glad that they’re locked up for the rest of their lives.

  She didn’t know about that. She was really hoping she’d run into them. She wanted to face them. Her body isn’t working too well, but she was betting that it would be good enough to put them down.

  Better than her Dad and brothers? No, she’s no better. She’s a murderer too. She killed Simon and now she can’t even get revenge on his murderers.

  Steven is nearly out of his mind. It’s taking all his strength just to stay on the favorite side of hysterical.

  “No don’t call the police. They’ll scare her to death and will probably lock her up. She’ll never survive that, Clarence. I don’t know where to go. I’m going to go to her old neighborhood. I can’t image she would want to go back there, but obviously she’s not thinking straight.”

  Clarence and the guys are heading that way too. They are going to come in from the West End and he’ll come in from the East.

  Mr. Chung says she doesn’t look very good. He makes her sit down and drink a cup of tea with him. He fills her in on his son and his family. They’re doing really well in New York and now his son owns two markets in the city and Mr. Chung has two grandsons.

  She gives him a big hug goodbye and turns left when she leaves his market. It’s the same way she walked several times a day, especially to and from school.

  Her feet slow as she gets near the alley. She feels the fear, it’s the same, it’s familiar, almost comforting. She knows what she will see. It’s been no trouble to find this place. It’s in her nightmare almost every night, only this time she’s moving in it.

  Two more steps and she’ll be at the alley. One . . . two and she sees the printed material like the dress her mother wears. She’s frozen and holding her school books so tightly that they hurt her ribs. Then without allowing it, her left foot takes a step and her right foot has to follow or she’ll fall over.

  She walks into the alley and sees a body. The face is all bloody. It’s so damaged that she can’t tell who it is. The hair is like her mother’s, but it’s the ring that tells her what she needs to know. She knows her Dad finally beat her mother to death. She had nothing left to hurt, so he and probably her brothers helped him, beat her until she was dead and then they dragged her out to the alley and dumped her there.

  She loved her Mom. She was so graceful and she told her once that she always dreamed of being a dancer, but her parents were very poor and made her marry Dad because they couldn’t afford her anymore.

  Judy looks down at her mother, realizing that she’s always been mad at her. How could she take that abuse all those years? What was wrong with her that she would allow that?

  But it happened to Judy too. She took it when her Dad beat her. She told some kids at school and her third grade teacher and people in the neighborhood knew, but no one would get involved. So she had no choice? How could she have thought that? Everyone has a choice, but she knows that’s not true.

  That’s why she’s putting together the abused children’s program. Who would know better than she does about how it happens and how it affects the mind and rips away choice and free will?

  She stands and looks down at her Mom and feels . . . feels what? Pity.

  She sees Simon lying beside her Mom. She misses him and is struggling so hard to understand what he was thinking.

  “Why didn’t you trust me? You were so unprepared and well, my darling Simon, you were so stupid. It’s not like you to be stupid. I’m so mad at you. Simon. Why didn’t you talk to me?” From sadness to anger she hears her voice screaming at him.

  “I was wrong, Judy. I made a mistake.”

  “Yes, Simon and it cost you your life and mine!”

  “You are not responsible for what I did, Judy.”

  “Of course, I was. If I’d never got involved with you, you would still be alive and happily playing your games, and dating all those beautiful women. Why did you have to target me? I was very straightforward with you. I kept telling you no over and over and over. You think that just because you’re handsome and rich and brilliant that you can do anything you want. It doesn’t work like that Simon.”

  “I know that now.”

  “Well, you didn’t learn it quickly enough. Look at you, all bloody and dirty and hurt and dead in the alley next to my Mom. I am so angry with you that if you stood up right now, I’d knock you on your ass.”

  “You’d do that?”

  “You bet I would. You were so stupid that you’ve thrown the whole world out of balance and it will never be right again, unless I fix it.”

  “Fix it how, Judy?”

  “You’ve made Steven feel like it was his fault, because he couldn’t get here fast enough. Your father is now left with no sons, to run the company he’s spent his life working for, and I saw how pale your mother can get. I bet she’s taken to her bed from grief.”

  “The whole world was yours to do with what you wanted. You were the best and you threw yourself away to save me! But you didn’t. You died in my place. I should be there, bloody and dead in the alley. But no, mighty Simon thought he could beat destiny and killed us both.”

  “You’re not dead, Judy.”

  “Wanna bet?”

  “Steven loves you, why can’t you love him?”

  “He doesn’t want to love me and that’s for the best. That’s just the way it is. But you wouldn’t listen and you broke my heart and my spirit and put out my fire, because why Simon? You thought you were so much smarter and better than me that you wouldn’t trust me or talk to me? I’ve lived this life, Simon. This is the life I know.”

  “I was wrong. I loved you too much to think straight.”

  “No excuse. You don’t make those mistakes with people you love.”

  “I’m sorry, Judy.”

  His gentleness grips her heart. “Please come back, Simon. Please come back. I’m standing and waiting for you. Please come back and be alive. If you do, I’ll leave you and go and you’ll be safe. I promise I will. Please come back.” He’s just got to hear her. He’s got to understand and do what she asks. She hears her voice and it’s pleading like she’s never pleaded before. “Please Simon. Please!”

  “I like it here in Heaven. Your Mom is a beautiful dancer. It doesn’t make me happy to see you so miserable. I’m angry with you too. I’m not coming back Judy and you can’t make me.”

  “Well, tell you what Simon, just go shove it up your ass and get out of here. You’re in my place.”

  “No!”

  “When I make it right you won’t be dead anymore, Simon.”

  She hears the screams. Loud and scary, the screams go on and on and it takes a while for her to realize they’re not hers.

  Chapter 39. Desperate Plan

  Sully is pacing through Judy’s apartment. Steven is standing at Judy’s open bedroom door in case she wakes up.

  “So you think she really believes that she was talking to Simon, even though it was you? Steven, that’s an unbalanced therapy that I wouldn’t bet on and can’t sanction.”

  “I didn’t know what to do. She was living inside her nightmare. It was happening at that moment. It was real for her. If I didn’t play along, I don’t know what would have happened, but whatever, I knew I would loose her forever.”

  “It’s not good to wake someone from a nightmare. But to join her inside it Steven, there is no precedent for this. I can’t say for certain how she’s going to be. You should put her in psychiatric hospital and let us work with her.”

  “She needs help Sully, but it’s my opinion that she must decide to ask for it. Forced on her . . . you don’t know her like I do, I don’t think she would tolerate it. She’s a fighter and she’ll fight. I’d rather her battles were those she has a chance to win. I’m going to bet on her.”

  “Steven, I can get a court order to make her undergo treatment. There’s enough evidence that she’s a danger to herself
.”

  “She hasn’t hurt herself.”

  “Not yet, thanks to you. But you and I both know what her intentions were. And even still, when she believes her work is done, can you honestly say, she won’t try it.”

  “She won’t if I can give her a reason, not to. If I can build up her life, so she has something to loose, I’ll bet her life and mine that she’ll fight for it.”

  “I have a lot of respect for you Steven, so I’m going to trust your judgment for now. But I will check on her progress and if I see any sign that she’s a danger to herself or anyone else, I’ll go the legal route. I have no choice, you know that. We are bound by oath and you and I both take that seriously.”

  Chapter 40. Black Bubble Explodes

  The scratches and bruises on his arms, chest and legs and especially the bruise on his chin are uncomfortable.

  “Here, this will help.” Becky puts antibiotic cream on his arm and hands him an ice bag. She pats Steven’s shoulder. “You were lucky.”

  She’s right. If Clarence hadn’t shown up when he did, it might not have worked out so well.

  When Steven grabbed her and forced the gun out of her hand, Judy began to fight. All his training and the Kempo-Karate, swimming and running she was more than he could handle without violence. He’s never faced a better trained or more determined opponent.

  In desperation, he was ready to throw his best punch to knock her out. He’d promised never to hurt her, but he had to save her. She was faster and it was his chin that took the hit. Steven chuckles. She always said she wanted to punch him in the face and she was right, she knocked him on his ass and it still hurts.

  She was going for the kill just as Clarence threw his arms around her. She turned on him and threw him in less than three seconds, but he held on and took her to the ground with him where Steven sedated her.

  Another stroke of luck, they were in Judy’s home neighborhood. People there were trained to get out of the way and look the other way. He expected to hear police sirens. Clarence carried Judy to the car and put her into his arms and got into the front seat as Jeremy drove away. It was still quiet in the neighborhood.