Winning my Best Friend's Girl

by Piper Rayne

  I nod. “I should’ve handled it differently. This talk should’ve happened as soon as I returned to Alaska.”

  We pass the gazebo. It would be the perfect place to stop and talk, but it doesn’t feel right. There are way too many prying eyes.

  “You made your feelings clear at Juno’s wedding, and I haven’t been respecting them. That’s on me. I’ve thought a lot about it since last weekend, and the only solution is to make sure we’re not at the house on the same days. We’ll keep it professional at the hospital when we see each other. I’m thinking of putting in for a transfer.”

  He can’t be serious. I figured we’d apologize and move forward like we always do.

  “That’s what you want?”

  He stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “No, it’s not what I want.” We stop at the corner and his eyes lock with mine. “I’d rather give us an honest shot.”

  “But?”

  “My life choices are too scary for you, and I get it. I know you’re scared, and I understand the why of it. I’m not refuting your reasons, but I can’t keep pretending that my feelings for you are platonic. I love you. I always have.”

  I swallow, and my chest warms and my heart breaks in the same moment. We end up at the beach opening. We both stand and look out onto Lake Starlight, the long dock that holds so many memories. We’re quiet for a few minutes. I’m trying to think of what I can say to him, but I don’t know how to make this better.

  He finally breaks the silence. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “What?”

  “Why did you leave that night? I never was able to say goodbye to you.”

  “Because…” Any excuse other than the truth is on the tip of my tongue, but he deserves honesty. “I couldn’t say goodbye to you. I saw you save those people and I saw you looking through the crowd for me afterward. I stayed to make sure you were safe, but I was afraid that if I actually said goodbye to you, I’d never get on that plane the next day. And we both needed that distance. I’d already done so much to hurt you.”

  He nods, but I don’t know if he’s appeased by the answer or not.

  He walks forward, and my heart breaks that he doesn’t want to go to the dock. I always saw it as our spot and thought maybe he was leading us there.

  “I’m always chasing you,” he says. “I feel like I’m always looking like a fool. The guy who can’t take the hint that the girl doesn’t feel the same. I think it’s time we part ways. Learn to be apart from one another again.”

  My feet stop as my stomach sinks. “What?”

  He never looks over at me, not even a fleeting glance. “I can’t keep fighting for something that you’re so hell-bent on denying. I love my adrenaline rushes, but I’m not stupid about them. I go with guides, and I wasn’t going to do that adventure race unless I had my survivalist brother on board. I don’t put myself in dangerous—well, okay, I do, but I take all the precautions I can. And I honestly don’t think I can change.”

  “I would never ask you to change.”

  He nods. “I know, but if I could, I would. For you. And you’re right, I would resent you if you told me to never do anything crazy again. So that leaves us here.”

  I look up to find we’re outside his apartment again.

  He pulls out his keys. “I’ll drive you home and we’ll say goodbye.”

  “You don’t want to ever see one another again?” My heart feels as though it’s been wrenched from my chest.

  “That’s not really practical, but we can keep as much distance between us as possible. Just let Tank or Lou know the days you’re coming up to the cabin and I’ll stay away, even if I’m off.”

  “Kingston, it doesn’t have to be this way.”

  He stares at me. “It does. For me, it does. It’s either all or nothing.”

  There’s a finality in his tone that scares me. He opens the passenger door of his truck, waiting for me to climb in. I do, and he shuts the door right after me, then goes around the back of the truck.

  We drive in silence. My heart won’t stop lurching. He’s really going to just walk away and end us completely. That might have been how it was when I lived thousands of miles away, but now that I’m back in Alaska, it feels wrong. Final.

  The drive to my mom’s bed-and-breakfast doesn’t take long, and he puts his truck into park once he’s reached the end of the driveway.

  “Can’t we figure something out?” I sound like I’m pleading.

  His eyes remain fixed forward. “This is the only thing we can do. We’ve tried everything over the years. Our only hope is to separate as much as we possibly can, like when you were in New York.”

  My hand blindly finds the door handle and I pry it open. “I just want you to know… I do love you. I’ve loved you since you shared your textbook with me and didn’t say you were sorry when I told you my dad died. And I wish things were different. I do. I wish I weren’t so afraid.”

  He nods and licks his lips, glancing at me. “Goodbye, Stella.”

  He waits, and when I climb out, he drives off. He doesn’t speed or squeal his tires. I watch his taillights until they round the bend, then I collapse to the cold, hard ground, allowing the tears to fall.

  I just lost him. And this time it feels like forever.

  Twenty-Two

  Kingston

  When I get out of view of Stella’s house, I send a quick text to Sedona to make sure she’s doing okay. She says she feels great now, so I pull a right to head to the high school. I park in the lot next to Austin’s Jeep and stare at the school, a flood of memories rushing through my mind.

  Climbing out, I go to the front door and press the buzzer. Fay waves to me through the window, and the door clicks open a minute later.

  “Kingston Bailey?” Fay walks around the desk and pulls me into a hug. “You’re so tall. Taller than your brothers.”

  “Yeah.”

  Fay looks at a younger girl sitting behind the desk. “This is Austin Bailey’s younger brother. He used to attend here.”

  The girl nods and smiles, but Fay rolls her eyes.

  “She’s new. Did you hear I’m retiring?” she asks.

  “No, really?” I lean over the desk and steal a butterscotch candy. Fay moves the dish up and places it on the counter for me. “And what are you and Mr. Murphy going to do with yourselves?”

  “Well, he’s still going to be working, but I’m trying to get him to go on a Caribbean vacation with me.” Her eyes light up.

  I cringe because Mr. Murphy is like a lot of people who move to Alaska—he doesn’t care for squelching heat. “Good luck with that.”

  “Thanks.” She slides back into her chair. “This is Violet. She’s taking my place.”

  “Welcome,” I say.

  “She’s single and new to town.” Fay waggles her eyebrows and nods to the poor girl, whose cheeks are now pink.

  “Nice to meet you. I’m Kingston.”

  “Kingston?” Holly comes out of her office and I welcome the interruption. I definitely don’t need more complications in my life right now.

  “Hey, Hol, I came by to see Austin. Does he have an off period soon?”

  She waves me in. I grab a few more butterscotches before I follow her.

  “Thanks Fay,” I say and wink.

  “Any time.”

  I knock on the counter. “And nice to meet you, Violet.”

  “You too.”

  Holly waits for me to go into her office first and shuts the door behind her. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I just need to talk to someone.”

  “Can I ask what about?”

  Holly’s great. I couldn’t pick a better sister-in-law. She stays out of my business, she doesn’t judge my decisions, and she makes my brother happy. But I’m not going to ask for relationship advice from her. She doesn’t know the situation well enough. She wasn’t here when I was growing up.

  So all I say is, “Stella.”

  “Oh.”

&n
bsp; See? That one word tells her this is a subject she doesn’t want to tackle. It’s like someone inviting you on a hike and then you’re staring at Mt. Everest when you arrive.

  “I’ll dial him up really quick,” she says. “He has lunch next period, but I think he’s helping a student with their science project.”

  She picks up the phone, and however he answers makes her cheeks flush. Amazing that after one kid and all their years of marriage, he still can pull that reaction out of her.

  “I have Kingston here… No. He’s fine… He wants to talk to you about Stella… Okay… yeah… Sounds good.”

  She hangs up, and I slide to the edge of the chair. “I know my way. Same room?”

  She holds up her hand to stop me. “He said we can go to him after this period and you guys can talk in his classroom.”

  “Oh.” I glance at the clock above her head. “And when is that?”

  She bites her cheek. “A half hour.”

  I nod. What the hell am I going to do here for a half hour? I point over my shoulder. “I can wait outside.”

  “Nonsense. You stay here.” She looks over my shoulder and back at me. “Would you mind if…” She stands and shuts all the blinds.

  “Hey, Holly, I know I can look a little like Austin, but I can’t fill his shoes in every way.”

  She laughs. “No. It’s just… sometimes all these people are so nosy.”

  “Okay. But my brother might beat my ass for just being in here with you when the blinds are shut.”

  She puts her hand on my shoulder when she passes by. “I need a favor.”

  My heart rate increases when she pulls her blouse from her skirt. I cover my eyes with my arm. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Uncover your eyes.”

  I raise my arm and peek out, seeing she’s still dressed.

  “All the way.” I lower my arm and she pulls out a lunch cooler, unzipping it without saying anything. She pulls out a syringe and a vial. “We’re trying again for another baby, and we started the shots on Saturday, not even thinking that to keep up with the timing, I’d have to do them at school. We were just so excited to start.”

  “Okay, but you’ve done them before, right?” Easton was conceived with the help of fertility treatments.

  “It’s stupid, but I’m kind of afraid of needles. Austin always does my shots and I told him I could do this, but I’m not sure I can. It’s really important to stick to the right timing.”

  “I’m sure a half hour won’t affect it too much, right?” I shift in my seat and look behind me at the closed door.

  Her shoulders slump. “It scares me. I just want to do everything right, you know? Do you know what they call a pregnancy for someone my age? A geriatric pregnancy. It’s so insulting. I’m not old, but the doctor said it’s going to be even harder this time around and you know all the trouble we had the first time. I don’t want to mess it up. You’re a paramedic. Will you please just give it to me?” Tears fill her eyes.

  I saw the heartbreak with both Austin and Holly while they were trying to conceive Easton. “Of course I’ll help.”

  She pulls out antiseptic and a pair of gloves.

  “You’re so prepared.”

  She shrugs. I shouldn’t be surprised, Easton always has his snacks ready in a neat container, his juice cup and a change of clothes neatly packed in a bag. She’s an uber-organized mom.

  I sanitize my hands and put on the gloves. While I pull the fertility medicine into the syringe, she raises her blouse. There are a few bruises on her stomach as she turns away. “Right side today.”

  “Do you want it fast or slow?” God, it feels all kinds of wrong to say that to my sister-in-law.

  “Fast.” Her free hand grips the desk and she turns her head away.

  “Okay, ready?” I aim the syringe and her body tenses. “One.”

  She groans.

  “Two.”

  Her knuckles turn white on the desk.

  “Grandma Dori has a boyfriend.”

  She turns toward me, but I’ve already stuck her, injected the shot, and the needle is out before she laughs.

  “Thanks so much.” She takes it from my hands. “I didn’t feel a thing. Dori doesn’t really have a boyfriend, right?”

  I laugh. “Not that I know of.”

  “You need to tell Austin about that trick.”

  “Nah, now you’re on to it. Plus, I have to excel over my brothers in some way.”

  She smiles and packages everything back up. “You know, Kingston, I wasn’t here when everything unfolded, so all my information about you and Stella comes secondhand from Austin. But you’re a great guy and I think you would bring a lot to any relationship. You remind me so much of Austin in the way you put others before yourself. From what I know of Stella on the short occasions I’ve talked with her, she’s sweet and caring and smart, but sometimes young love is just that—young love. Being a principal might make me cynical because I see these couples who vow they’ve met their soul mates, and then a year later they hate one another. There’s always something about the one who got away. Sometimes you idolize them in your head.”

  I interrupt her. “I just told Stella that I thought we shouldn’t see one another—at all. I’m going to ask for a transfer and I’m not going up to the cabin at the same time as her.”

  “Oh. Well…” Holly sits on the edge of her desk. “And that’s what you have to talk to Austin about?”

  I clench my jaw, wondering what it will be like to live life after giving up the hope that one day, maybe Stella and I can be together. “I just want to reassure him that I’m not going to go crazy.”

  She nods and sits in her chair. “He loves you. He worries about you.”

  “He shouldn’t.”

  “Well, he kind of feels like he’s your…”

  I don’t bother to fill in the blank. We both know what word she was going to say. Father.

  “I’m solid with my decision.”

  “That’s good.”

  The school buzzer goes off and I rush to my feet. “Thanks, Holly.”

  “No. Thank you, Kingston.”

  I nod and head to the door.

  “Hey, my advice?” she says.

  “Yeah?”

  “I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just my opinion. But you need to listen to your heart, okay? Don’t take other people’s advice. You know where you fit. Listen to your gut. It’s you and Stella’s decision.”

  “Thanks. It was good advice,” I say and walk out the door.

  Heading down the hallway, I see couples lingering by lockers. It makes me remember how I waited for Stella to come out of the Lit classroom after fourth period. We’d walk down the hall to our next class. She was so easy to make laugh. I miss the easiness of us.

  “Hey.” Austin stops me in the middle of the hallway. “I have to run and take care of something. I’ll be right back.”

  “I already did it.”

  He pulls me to the side of the hall, so we’re not trampled on by a bunch of high school students. “What did you do?”

  “I gave Holly her shot.”

  “Oh. Okay, thanks.” I can’t really tell if he’s actually happy I helped or not. “Let’s go to my classroom then.”

  He shuts the door behind him and pulls out an apple, taking a big bite from it.

  “I just want you to know that I broke off my friendship with Stella. It’s over. I’m going to transfer to another engine, and although I can’t stay away from her completely, I’m going to try my hardest.”

  He rocks back in his chair, his eyes boring into mine. “And this is what you want?”

  I lean against one of the student desks in front of his desk, crossing my arms. “No, but it’s what needs to happen. She wants someone who plays it safe. I’m not that guy. So there’s no shot of us making it. I’m not even myself when I’m around her. I hit Lou last weekend.”

  He springs up and his chair creaks. “I told you it was stupid to give
Lou your blessing to date Stella.”

  I hold up my hand. “I’m good. Lou and I are good. I apologized to him. They’re not even seeing each other anyway, but it opened my eyes. If she can’t take all of me, everything about me, then there’s no future for us, regardless of how much I love her.”

  “Are you sure you’re my little brother? You sound way too mature.”

  “Yes, it’s me. I can be level-headed and an adrenaline junkie. I just wanted to let you know that I’d made a decision. I know you’ve been worried about me.” I head toward the door.

  “Can I ask you one question before you rush out of here?”

  I circle back around and wait.

  “Did you ever think that you might not love her enough if you’re not willing to change at all for her? Relationships are give and take. Yes, she should accept that you have this adrenaline junkie side, but you being unwilling to compromise isn’t really a sign of a man in love.”

  I throw my hands in the air. “What do you want from me? You don’t want her here because you’re worried she’s going to crush me, and I’ll fall into a depression all over again. Then you say yeah, be friends with her, and now you’re telling me I should change my ways so I can be with her? What the fuck?”

  He throws his apple core into the trash can and leans on the edge of his desk. “I think you’ve misconstrued my advice. I love Stella, and I can see why you fell for her. But you seem to want her on your terms. Put yourself in her shoes before you assume that the reason you two aren’t working out is all on her. She moved to New York. You weren’t banned from crossing the border. There wasn’t a line of National Guardsmen refusing you entry into New York state. You didn’t follow because you were hurt. Which is fine. Understandable even.”

  I feel the adrenaline spike in my system. “I honestly can’t believe this. You told me not to go!”

  “I told you not to be a smoke jumper too, but you didn’t listen to me then.” His voice raises to match my level. “You were too scared to go after Stella.”

  I stare at his whiteboard, all the biology lingo written there for his students. “Have you never been scared?” I ask in a quieter voice.