The House of Roses

by Holden Robinson

  Caren hit the switch as asked, and the entire living room was immediately bathed in light. “Better?” she asked.

  “Yep. Got it. Hey, Caren, this proves what I've always said,” he said, dropping the wad of towels onto the elusive puddle.

  “What's that, boss?”

  “Everything goes with beige!”

  ***

  Caitlin Goodrich stood on her mother's porch, watching a fluffy white cloud that resembled a poodle. She could hear Rita in the shop preparing for the day's festival that was due to start at noon. She heard a voice behind her and turned. Maria Sands looked like, “the last rose of summer”, which seemed fitting given their proximity to the flower shop.

  “Rough night?” Caitlin asked with a smile.

  “I live to excess, what can I say,” Maria said, gripping tightly to the steaming mug of coffee she held in both hands. “What time are we going to this thing?”

  “Noon.”

  “What time is it now?”

  “Just past ten,” Caitlin said. She leaned toward the baby monitor that remained blissfully quiet.

  “How long have you been up?” Maria asked.

  “A long ass time,” Caitlin said, yawning loudly.

  “Are you okay, Cate?”

  “Just tired.”

  “It's more than that.”

  “It is,” Caitlin said, sitting in one of the many rocking chairs that adorned the porch. Maria sat beside her.

  “Talk to me, girlfriend.”

  “I don't know where to start.”

  “Just talk,” Maria said encouragingly.

  “Okay. I'm seeing Colin on Monday. I'm telling him about the twins and Ella, and I'm scared shitless.”

  “Scared to see him?”

  “I'm scared of everything.”

  “Everyone's scared, Cate.”

  “I never was. I mean, I was scared when Daddy got sick, and I was scared when Colin left, and I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant, but now I'm scared of everything.”

  “You should have called me. Hell, I should have called you.”

  “I know that now,” Caitlin said, reaching for the hand her friend extended. “I'm less scared when you're here.”

  “I'm glad. That's what best friends are for, Caitlin.”

  Caitlin turned as she heard a familiar gurgling sound coming from the monitor.

  “They need me so much, Maria. What if I fail them?”

  “Why do you think you will?” Maria asked, and Caitlin shrugged.

  “I don't know. Things are such a mess, Maria. How can I spring this on Colin?”

  “Just tell him. He's a grown-up, Cate. He can handle it.”

  “I'm not sure he's good with chaos.”

  “He's a doctor, Cate. He's surrounded by chaos.”

  “I know he is, and I think that's why he's always fought so hard to keep it out of his personal life. He likes things orderly. My life isn't exactly orderly.”

  “Whose is?”

  “Colin's is.”

  “You need to tell him the truth, Cate. If you love him, tell him.”

  “I know. I'm just not sure what to do if he doesn't want me.”

  “Wouldn't you rather know?”

  “I don't know.”

  “Don't be a dick head. Sorry, but come on, Cate. It would be better to know. Go see him and lay it all out there. If he can't handle it, then he isn't worthy of you.”

  “Tell that to my heart.”

  “I can't.”

  “No one can,” Caitlin whined.

  “No, I just mean I can't find your heart with those massive boobs in the way.”

  Caitlin laughed, feeling better than she had in a long time. “You always know how to make me laugh,” she said to her best friend, and Maria Sands smiled victoriously.

  “Yup! You're going to be okay, Caitlin.”

  “I know.”

  “I want to hear you say it.”

  “I'm going to be okay,” Caitlin mumbled.

  “Jeez, girl. Say it like you mean it.”

  “I'm going to be okay,” Caitlin said loudly.

  “Can you be okay in something other than pajamas?” Rita Hollings asked from the yard. Caitlin hadn't heard her approach.

  “Yes, Mother!”

  “You too, Maria. Nathan is going to be there; you'll want to look nice,” Rita said, with a sly smile on her face.

  “Oh, jeez,” Maria said. “He is cute. I always did love a man in uniform. How bad do I look?” she asked, and Caitlin shot a look at her mother.

  “You tell her, Mom,” Caitlin said, delegating the bad news to Rita.

  “You look like a crime scene,” Rita said.

  “You want to call the cops, or shall I?” Maria asked.

  “Why don't you try a shower and some make-up first. Then if we need the cops, I know where to find one,” Rita offered, and Maria winked at her.

  “I just need to change and get the kids ready,” Caitlin said. “Why don't you head over, Mom. We'll make another pot of coffee, fill your thermos for you, and we can walk.”

  “We can?” Maria groaned.

  “Come on,” Caitlin encouraged. “Think of it like a work-out.”

  “I hate working out,” Maria whined.

  “Well, if you walk, and then you need a ride later, I bet I know who'd escort you home,” Rita said.

  “Walking sounds great!” Maria said. “I'll get ready.”

  Maria disappeared into the house, leaving Rita and Caitlin on the porch.

  “You okay, sweetheart?” Rita asked, sitting beside her daughter.

  “I'm scared, Mom.”

  “I know, Caitlin.”

  “I feel safe here. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to stay with you. I want to write my book here, and then I'll figure things out from there. Can I stay with you, Mom?” Caitlin asked, as tears slid slowly down her cheeks.

  “Nothing would please me more, Cate. I'd like you to stay. You can stay here as long as you'd like.”

  “Thank you,” Caitlin whispered. “I've always loved you, Mom, but never as much as right now.”

  “I love you too, sweetie,” Rita said softly. “You have an awful lot to deal with, Caitlin, and everyone needs a break from time to time. Why don't we just enjoy today and we'll leave sorting out our lives for another time.”

  Caitlin smiled at her mother and turned her face toward the sky. The cloud that resembled a poodle had gone, and more had moved into its place.

  “The dog's gone,” she whispered, not realizing she'd spoken out loud.

  “We don't have a dog,” Rita said, looking at her daughter curiously.

  “Oh. I didn't realize I'd said that out loud. There was a cloud that looked like a poodle, but it's gone now.”

  “You sound like a little girl I used to know. She was always dreaming, searching for something in the clouds.”

  “I remember her,” Caitlin said softly.

  “Whatever you're searching for, honey, you aren't going to find it there,” Rita said gently.

  “I'm looking for that little girl, Mom, the one with the dreams.”

  “Look inside of you. She's still in there, Caitlin.”

  “I know.”

  Forty-one

  Colin picked up Rosario and Mia at just past noon. Hospice had delivered the wheelchair as promised, and it was crammed into the Volvo's trunk. Rosario looked pale, but her dark eyes were alive with anticipation. They stood outside in the afternoon sun for several minutes. Colin watched as Rosario turned her face to it, and he felt the familiar pain deep within him. She seemed to be memorizing the sun and the feel of the breeze.

  “How are you, Papa?” Mia asked, pulling on his hand.

  “I'm pretty good today, pumpkin, how are you?”

  “Excited. Marvin's excited, too. Mama and me packed all my stuff in a box, but she said I could keep Marvin out. He's afraid of the dark anyway. He would not like to be in the box.”

  “You packed?” Colin asked, glan
cing at Rosario.

  “I packed Mia's things. Caren called and she's coming tomorrow morning to help me pack mine. She said the movers are coming at 2:00?” Rosario asked, and Colin nodded.

  “Caren arranged for two teams of movers. They're coming for my stuff at 2:00 as well.”

  “You packed?”

  “No. I'm a committed procrastinator when it comes to that stuff. I hate moving. If I like this house after I've been there an hour, I'm buying it. That way I won't have to move again. It's got everything we could need, tons of bedrooms, a nice pool, a fenced backyard.”

  “That will be good for Mia,” Rosario said, reaching to take her daughter's hand.

  “It will be good for all of us,” Colin said. He wanted Rosario to feel included, no matter how much time she might have.

  “Are you okay to do this today?” Colin whispered to Rosario.

  “I'm doing it for Mia. How about you? You seem to be walking better.”

  “It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's still a little ugly,” he said, looking at his bandaged knee.

  “Me and Marvin are sitting in the back,” Mia said loudly, and Colin smiled.

  You have to share it with Faith,” he said, preparing to make an important introduction.

  “Who's Faith?” Mia asked, with enthusiasm.

  “That's Faith,” he said, pointing to a furry face in the back window of the Volvo. Faith seemed to respond to her name and had jumped up against the window at the sound of it.

  “A puppy!” Mia exclaimed. She began to jump up and down, and Faith grew more excited as she watched her.

  “Brace yourselves,” Colin said. “Here she comes.”

  He opened the door, and the dog bolted out as if springing from a Jack-in-the-Box. Mia opened her arms, and the dog flew into them.

  “She likes me!” Mia said, her excitement obvious.

  “She's always wanted a dog,” Rosario said, smiling at Colin. “Thank you,” she added, and he returned the smile with a boyish grin.

  “Isn't she cute?” he asked, and Mia nodded her head vigorously. “You think you two can behave in the back seat?”

  “I know I can. I'm not sure about this one,” Mia said, as she and Faith rolled around in the small grassy area in front of the apartment building.

  Colin held tightly to Faith's leash, the same one he'd tripped over earlier in the week, and helped Rosario into the front seat. She was obviously weaker than she'd been the day before, and he decided he'd have Caren arrange for hospice care beginning on Monday. He quickly pushed the thought from his mind. He wanted to have fun today, and he wanted to make sure Rosario and Mia had a good time as well. He knew Rosario was going to die, but he was more committed to helping her live out her remaining days.

  “I got a pink seat, Mama,” Mia exclaimed, as she climbed into a booster seat in the back of the Volvo.

  “Caren picked that out,” Colin said, after he'd slid behind the wheel.

  “Faith has a seat, too!” Mia said from the backseat.

  “I didn't know there were car seats for animals,” Rosario said.

  “Neither did I. We got instructions from the ASPCA, and Caren read them cover to cover. They recommend a restraint for a dog that small, so Caren went and got one.”

  “She's terrific, Colin,” Rosario remarked.

  “She is. I've known her for over a year, but I've really gotten to know her in the last few days. She's the perfect nanny.”

  “Like Mary Poppins?” Mia asked, and Colin and Rosario both laughed.

  “Yup, she's like Mary Poppins,” he said.

  Colin drove the nearly two hours to New Hope as Mia chattered endlessly in the back seat. Faith slept in the fabric seat Caren had bought for her, and Colin watched as Mia bent frequently to plant a kiss on her tiny head. He glanced at Rosario from time to time. She seemed to be holding up well during the drive, and she smiled at him when he looked at her.

  “You okay?” Colin asked. It was a stupid question, but he asked it anyway. He waited for her response, as he pulled into the village of New Hope.

  “I'm doing all right today,” she said. “I'm just scared,” she added, in little more than a whisper.

  “I'm scared, too,” he admitted, speaking as softly as Rosario had. Mia had fallen asleep about ten minutes before, giving the two a moment to talk. Colin found a parking place in a village lot and he carefully navigated the Volvo into it. He turned off the ignition and reached for Rosario's hand.

  “We'll get through this together, Rosario,” he said, and he listened as Rosario sighed deeply.

  “Part of me wishes death would just come, but part of me wants to keep fighting. Is that normal?” she asked, and Colin nodded.

  He looked at her for a long moment before speaking. “I have no idea how I'd react to what you're going through, Rosario, but I know I'd be scared and confused. That's very normal.”

  “Thank you, and thanks again for taking care of me and Mia, and for today.”

  “Are we there?” Mia asked loudly, startling her mother and Colin. Faith was startled too, and she let out a sudden yelp.

  “It's okay, we're there,” Mia said, petting the dog's head lovingly.

  “She's a terrific kid, Rosario,” Colin whispered, and Rosario smiled. “You're a great mom.”

  “You'll be a great dad.”

  Colin was grateful for the sunglasses he wore. They hid his suddenly moist eyes from the woman who was breaking his heart.

  ***

  By late afternoon, New Hope's Oktoberfest was in full swing. It had already been a long day for Caitlin, who had been up since dawn, and she was beginning to look tired.

  “You beat, kiddo?” Maria asked.

  “Yeah. I'm thinking of heading back. I think Mom has shown the kids off to everyone she needed to,” Caitlin said with a chuckle.

  “She's enjoying being a grandmother.”

  “I know. She seems to be comfortable with the whole thing.”

  “You look pretty comfortable like that,” Maria said, watching Caitlin push the stroller.

  “Surprisingly, I am,” Caitlin offered. “They give me some kind of purpose, Maria.”

  “You've always had purpose, Cate.”

  “Having a career isn't the same thing as having purpose. You admitted you thought something was missing.”

  “Yeah, I admit, I did say that.”

  “And you think something is?” Caitlin asked.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Then you get what I mean.”

  “I've been thinking about it since last Christmas,” Maria admitted.

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. Everyone went home to see their families, or they had family gatherings in their own homes, and you wanna know what I did?” Maria asked, looking wounded.

  “You worked.”

  “Yeah. I worked, on fucking Christmas.”

  “Rita would cringe if she heard you say that.”

  “Why? Is she big on Christmas?” Maria asked.

  “Yeah, but she's also big on not using 'fucking', and 'Christmas' in the same sentence.”

  “I did that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Sorry. Hey, Cate. I wanted to ask you something. What happened to Nathan's wife?”

  “She got killed in a car accident almost three years ago.”

  “Holy shit. That's awful. I mean......., it would have been awful no matter how she died, but that is totally awful.”

  “Yeah. What was worse is she didn't actually die in the accident. It left her in a coma. Nathan had to make the decision to stop life support.”

  Maria stopped suddenly. Caitlin just stared at her. “You all right?” Caitlin asked.

  “Yeah. I just can't imagine that nice man having to go through something like that. Why is it the really shitty stuff always happens to the nicest people?”

  “I don't know.”

  “That's why I try so hard not to be nice. It's safer,” Maria said, and Caitlin chuckled.

  “
You're nice. You just try really hard not to show it.”

  “I guess.” Maria stopped walking again, and again Caitlin just looked at her.

  “What now?” Caitlin followed Maria's gaze and gasped. “Oh my God........, Colin.”

  “I know,” Maria said.

  “What is he doing here?” Caitlin said, sounding panicked.

  “I don't know.”

  Caitlin ducked behind a booth as quickly as her healing body would allow, and a friend of her mother's, whose name Caitlin couldn't remember, said hello to her. Caitlin mumbled a quick hello and peeked out from behind the booth. Maria stood behind the stroller, and lifted her hand to wave.

  “For God's sake, Maria, don't wave at him.”

  “I'm not. I'm waving at Nathan.”

  “Oh.”

  “Chicken shit. What would happen if he saw you?”

  “I don't know. What the hell is he doing here? Oh my God, Maria. He's with that woman and the little girl!” Caitlin said, sounding agonized.

  “He's with who?”

  “I saw him, Maria. I saw him from my hospital room the morning after I had the twins. He was with that woman, and the little girl.”

  “You think they're a couple?”

  “I don't know.”

  “The woman is in a wheelchair, Caitlin. Maybe she's a patient.”

  “That's what Ella said.”

  “Go talk to him.”

  “No!”

  “Caitlin, go! I'm going to the diner for an ice tea. I'll take the babies, and you go talk to Colin.”

  “I don't know what to say.”

  “You could say hello.”

  “Yeah, but what then?”

  “You'll figure it out from there. He won't be listening to you anyway.”

  “Why would you say that?” Caitlin asked, looking confused.

  “He's a man. He'll be staring at your enormous boobs.”

  “You're a big help.”

  “I do what I can. Now go.”

  Caitlin did as told, weaving her way through the crowd and keeping her eyes on Colin. She watched him with the woman and the little girl, and while there was an intimacy in the way they interacted with one another, Caitlin wondered if Maria and Ella were right. She wondered if the woman was Colin's patient. She didn't think he'd left Pediatrics, but she hadn't seen him in nearly a year. She didn't know what he'd been doing lately.