by Laura Pavlov
Harrison was the most important person in my life. I couldn’t risk losing him again. I drove straight to his house. I parked in the driveway and sat there for a minute trying to gather my thoughts. I swiped at my face with the sleeve of my shirt before I pushed out of the car and made my way to the front door.
He opened it immediately and took one look at me and pulled me into him.
“Hey, what’s going on? I’ve called you a dozen times.” He hustled me inside and we both dropped to sit on the couch. “Baby, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. I’ll even write you out a list of women I’ve been with since we’ve been apart. Whatever you need.”
I pushed back so I could look at him, shaking my head as I did. “That’s not it.”
“What is it?”
“There’s something I need to tell you, but I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re going to look at me differently. Hell, I look at me differently,” I said.
“Nothing could ever make me look at you differently. Never.”
I nodded. He was about to find out how wrong he was.
“Har, I’ve never told anyone this. Not a single soul.”
He held both my hands in his, and his dark gaze locked with mine. And all I saw was—love.
“You can tell me, baby. I promise it’ll be fine.”
I let out a long breath. “When I returned to school, you know, after we broke up. I was so upset. A few girls from my sorority were going out the day after I got back, and they convinced me to go.”
He nodded. Patiently waiting for me to crush his world. “Go on.”
“We were at this club and we were drinking. I was emotional over our breakup. And there was this guy, and he seemed really nice, and I was blubbering on about you. He was with the group we were with, and we were just talking, nothing more. I had zero interest in him.”
Harrison shifted on the couch, and I sensed his discomfort.
“We’d been talking for a while. Well, I talked, he listened. But then I started to feel really nauseated out of nowhere, so I ran to the restroom. I vomited a few times. I was so sick. And when I stood up in the bathroom, I struggled to stay on my feet. My vision started going blurry and I panicked. I stumbled out of the restroom to go find my friends, but that guy, he was there, waiting for me. He said he was worried when I ran off. I struggled to walk, and he held me up. I asked him to go get my friends and he said he’d call them, but he wanted to get me home right away.” I looked up to meet Harrison’s gaze, but I had to turn away. I didn’t want to see what I knew would be there.
“What happened, Laney?” His voice remained even.
“I honestly don’t remember the details. I started crying because I couldn’t see at all. My vision was completely gone. Everything went black. I remember him pulling over so I could open the door and vomit. He told me that he’d called my friends and they were going to meet me at his house because it was closer.”
I moved to my feet and grabbed some tissue to blow my nose.
“Tell me what happened next,” he said, reaching for me to come sit back down. His eyes were glossy, and I could tell he was doing everything in his power to remain calm.
“I don’t know, Harrison. That’s the last thing I remember. I woke up the next morning and I didn’t know where I was,” I said through my sobs. “I was naked. And there was a used condom on the floor.”
“What the fuck,” he hissed, pushing to his feet and pacing in front of me. “Was he there?”
I nodded, covering my mouth to stop the sobs. “He was—and it was awful.”
“What does that mean? Did you confront him? Did he threaten you?” He bent down in front of me and reached for my hands, and anger stirred in his dark gaze.
“I panicked, I mean, I was naked. I hurried to get my clothes on and accused him of drugging me.” My whole body started to shake.
He ran his hands up and down my arms. “And what did he say?”
“He laughed. He didn’t even try to deny it. He just said I could never prove it, and that I needed to loosen up because I’d wasted his whole night talking about my ex-boyfriend and he’d done me a favor. He said that I didn’t say no. He kept saying it over and over—that I hadn’t said no, and that I’d enjoyed myself. He said no one would believe me because everyone saw us talking earlier and that I shouldn’t make it a big deal. We had a good time.”
“Jesus fucking Christ.” He pushed to stand again and ran his hands through his hair. “Did you get the hell out of there?”
“He wanted to give me a ride, but obviously I refused and called an uber. I got out of there as fast as I could.”
“Did you go to the police?”
I shook my head. “No. He was right, Harrison. I’d put myself in that situation. I got in the car with him. I went to his place. I’d been drinking. And God only knows what happened after I was unconscious. I have glimpses, flashbacks, of him touching me. Of me begging him to stop. My body frozen and unable to move. But I don’t know if those are real or something I’ve imagined.”
The lump in my throat dissipated, and I was completely gutted.
Empty.
“Jesus, Laney, you should have fucking reported him.” He stood in front of me, his hair standing on end from where he’d tugged on it.
“For what? Everyone would have found out. My parents. You. My friends. Teachers. He would’ve claimed I went to his place willingly and I would have looked guilty.”
“So, what did you do?”
“I went to the hospital and told them I thought someone had slipped something in my drink the night before because I’d been so sick. I tested positive for ketamine. They asked if anything happened to me, and I said no.” I shrugged, as the tears continued to fall. “I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never been with anyone other than you. I couldn’t think straight. I panicked.”
He dropped back down to sit beside me and reached for my hand again. “That’s the day you called me. Three fucking times.”
He dipped his chin down and closed his eyes.
“Yeah. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call my parents. You were not only my boyfriend—you were my best friend.”
A tear streaked down his cheek when he looked up to meet my gaze. He’d only cried in front of me twice in all the years I’d known him, and that had been at his father’s funeral and the night he was drunk in the barn.
“You needed me, and I wasn’t there for you.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty or for you to try to fix what happened. I’m telling you because if I don’t—I think it’s going to destroy me. Something changed in me that day, Harrison. Maybe I lost my ability to truly trust, I don’t know. But the shame and guilt I feel is eating me alive, and I don’t know how to let it go.”
He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “There is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of, or guilty about. You were a victim, Laney. And you’ve been holding this in all this time. Is that why you quit your sorority house?”
I rested my cheek against his chest and breathed in all his goodness. “Yes. I just focused on school. I never went out again. I was a hermit those last two years. I didn’t want to be around anyone or anything. I was disgusted with myself for letting it happen. Putting myself in a situation that allowed someone to use me that way. It makes me sick to think about.”
“This is not your fault. Not in any way, shape, or form. Do you have any idea who he is? Did you ever see him again?”
I’d shared as much as I needed to. The details wouldn’t help either of us.
“No. I saw him from a distance a few times on campus, but I steered clear. I filed an anonymous report to the campus police about what happened, and I included his name and address. I used the library compute
r to report it so they couldn’t trace it back to me. I don’t know if anything ever came of it, but at least I felt like they would be made aware if anyone else ever reported him. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. I was not in a good place. Sometimes I wish I’d handled it differently, but it’s taken me five years to even tell anyone.”
“You would have told me that day. And I would’ve flown there and gone to the police with you. This is on me, Laney. I failed you. I’m so fucking sorry. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you.” His voice was smooth like steel. Laced with something I didn’t recognize.
“How are you not going to look at me differently?” I broke on a sob.
He pulled back and placed a hand on each side of my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You’re right. I do look at you differently. Because I had no idea just how strong you were, Laney Mae Landers. You’ve carried this on your shoulders for all this time, never asking anyone for help. You’re a brave fucking warrior. So yeah, I have even more respect for you now, which I didn’t think was even possible. But in no way would I ever blame you for any of this. Do I wish you would tell me who did it, so I could seek my own fucking revenge on the sick bastard? Yes. I do.”
I shook my head. “No. Please. I want to put this behind me so badly, Harrison. Please. Promise me you won’t tell anyone or do anything. Promise me.”
He wrapped me up in a safe cocoon. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
“That’s what I want. But I’m glad I told you. I don’t want there to be secrets between us.”
He kissed the top of my head and we sat like that for a few hours. I cried and he held me. I fell asleep in his arms and woke up when he carried me to his room and set me on the bed.
“What time is it? I should go home.” I pushed to sit up.
“I texted your mom and let her know you were staying here tonight. Get some sleep.” He kissed my forehead and leaned me back on the pillow. He sat beside me on the edge of the bed. “I love you so fucking much, Laney.”
“I love you,” I whispered.
I dozed off and didn’t wake up until the sun brightened his room. When I sat up, the bed was empty. I replayed the events of last night and buried my face in my hands. Was it good that I’d told him? It actually felt good to get it off my chest. To share my nightmare with someone who wasn’t the man who violated me. Someone I trusted completely. Up until now, he was the only other person that knew what had happened to me. Now Harrison knew everything. And we could move forward with no secrets. No lies. I stopped in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My face was swollen. Eyes puffy and red. But there was a peacefulness that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I walked out to the kitchen to find him pouring two cups of coffee.
“Hey,” I said.
He turned around, and the sadness in his eyes nearly brought me to my knees. “Good morning, beautiful. I was just going to bring you some coffee. How do you feel?”
“I feel okay. How about you?” I asked. I couldn’t read him. He was containing a whole lot of emotion under that stoic front of his.
He pulled out a bar stool for me and then took the one beside it. He set our coffees down and turned to face me. “Listen, Laney, I’m really glad you told me everything. I’m really sorry that you’ve been carrying this around all this time. Alone. And I’m most sorry that I wasn’t there for you. So fucking sorry.”
“I knew you would blame yourself, and that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. But it’s a hard secret to keep from the man you love.” Two tears streaked down my cheek. “And a part of me feared that you might look at me differently. Because I haven’t felt like the same person since it happened.”
“I don’t know why you would possibly think I’d look at you differently. Jesus. You were a victim in this sick fucker’s game. And he didn’t change you, Laney. No fucking way. He violated you—caused you to lose your trust in others, sure. But who you are…” He placed his palm over my heart on my chest. “He didn’t change a fucking thing.”
“Do you know how many times my parents told me to make sure I never left a drink unattended when I went out? I let my guard down, Har. I should have been paying attention.”
“Don’t you dare fucking do that to yourself.” His fist came down on the counter and his voice boomed, startling us both. “This is not on you. This is on some sick fucker who gets his rocks off drugging girls and raping them. Don’t ever blame yourself again.”
I nodded. “I know logically that makes sense. But I own my part. I’ve never put myself in that position again. Never.”
He pushed to his feet and wrapped his arms around me. “I promise that I’ll always be there from now on. I promise, Laney.”
“I know you will,” I whispered.
“You want to go for a bike ride? Get some fresh air?”
“Yeah. I’d like that,” I said, scooting off the chair.
We took our time getting ready, and he kissed me no less than a dozen times before we made it out the door—slowly. With compassion and care. We were going to be okay. I felt lighter in a sense now that I’d told him. Like a weight had lifted off my shoulders.
And that was because he’d taken that for me. His reaction had blown me away. He’d been supportive and kind. He didn’t judge me or beat me down, the way I’d done to myself so many times over the past five years. I wish I’d found a way to tell him the truth a long time ago. I should have taken his calls when he reached out months later. Maybe that’s just the part of life that we have to accept.
You may not be able to change the past.
But you could control the future.
Chapter Twenty
Harrison
To say that this week had been a whirlwind of emotion was an understatement. So much good had come out of Laney opening up to me about what happened to her. She was now staying at my house every night, and we were talking about the future. Like she’d been a prisoner to her own secret, and she had finally been set free. I was happy about that. I wanted to take some of that burden from her if I could. We were moving forward, and I couldn’t ask for more.
But that burden came with a different set of problems. One being the fact that my girlfriend was drugged and raped and violated. No way was I okay with that. So, I was at a crossroads. I’d promised Laney I wouldn’t do anything about it or tell anyone about what happened either. Obviously, five years later, it would be impossible to go after the piece of shit who did this to her. We couldn’t prove jackshit. But what I felt inside—it burned like a fucking forest fire. Rage. Anger. A need to make someone pay.
I was a smart guy. Revenge had its upside and its downside. The upside being the satisfaction of beating the shit out of the guy who’d hurt her. Whether or not we could prove what he did legally, it didn’t matter, because I just wanted to hurt him. The downside being hurting Laney more by doing so. But I hadn’t been able to shake it. And I couldn’t talk to anyone because I’d given her my word that I wouldn’t. What kind of fucked up promise is that? The woman I love was violated and I couldn’t do or say anything about it. The only thing keeping me from acting on my rage, was the fact that she’d called me when it happened. Three fucking times. And I’d ignored her call.
Fuck.
I punched the wall as I stood in the bathroom at the winery. I’d come in here to clear my head. Pace around a room without anyone asking why I was doing it. I leaned over the sink and rinsed my knuckles as the water forced the blood down the drain.
She’d needed me and I hadn’t been there. And where the fuck were my friends that night? I’d asked Big Joe to watch out for her. He was my closest friend back at school, and he’d said he never saw Laney out after I left. She’d obviously gone out one night, and no one had been there to protect her. The one time I wasn’t there. I leaned my back against the wall and buried my face in my hands. I didn’t know what to do with all this anger. It was f
oreign to me—not being able to tamper it down. Sure, after Dad died, I was angry at the world. But this was different. This was injustice at its finest. A sick fucking predator preying on the innocence and trust of the girl I loved. I wrapped the paper towels around my hand when someone knocked on the door.
“Harrison?” It was Laney.
“Yeah, I’ll be right out.” I dried my hands and headed for the door.
Laney and I were good. Golden, even. I think her finally telling me this secret that had been haunting her for years finally allowed us to get back to where we’d been before. And for that, I was grateful. Now I just needed to get myself under control.
“Hey, what are you doing?” I tucked my hands in my pockets to hide my battered hand.
She smiled. “It’s time to head to the city. Did you forget?”
“No. Just lost track of time.”
We were going to San Francisco for the afternoon. Laney was meeting with Harley to go over the desserts for the party, and I was going to hang out with my brothers to discuss a few things at Montgomery Media, and then we’d all go to dinner together.
“Your mom just left for an appointment, so it’s perfect. She won’t even know we’re gone,” Laney whispered.
“Ah, very sneaky,” I winked.
We drove over to where we kept the helicopter, and Laney leaned against my shoulder once we were up in the air. “It’s been a crazy couple of months since I came home, hasn’t it?”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” I teased.
“Remember when we flew to the city for my mom’s appointment? I was barely speaking to you then.”
I laughed. “Yeah. And I was crazy in love with you and didn’t know what to do about it.”
She pushed up to face me. “I was crazy in love with you, too. I just didn’t know how to handle all those feelings.”
“Well, seeing as you were engaged to someone else and all…that made it challenging.”