by Silla Webb
I spent the entire last two weeks browsing through wedding magazines and planning catalogs before I got frustrated and threw the towel in. After talking to Colton, we decided to get married on the beach. I have less than two months to tie the knot, so I don’t have time to pussyfoot around with planners, flowers and all of the other bells and whistles that go into a fairytale wedding. Give me some warm white sand, the ocean breeze blowing through my hair as the sun sets in the horizon and I’m right as rain.
Colton asked to select the music for the wedding and I happily agreed. I reminded him that he needed to find a best man, and even suggested that he ask his dad. He laughed at that suggestion, calling on Luke Ashton instead. Shocked the frickin’ hell right out of me, but it’s fitting in its own way. Colton’s life revolves around his daughter and coal mining, so he hasn’t had many friends involved in his life in recent years. Since he accepted Luke as a permanent fixture in my life, the two of them have become true friends which nearly scared me at first, but I’ve adapted to their friendship.
Naturally, I want Savannah to be my maid of honor, but I haven’t worked up the courage to ask her yet. She hasn’t called me since I told her that Colton and I were engaged and I’m nervous for her reaction to being included in the wedding. Jealousy and anger are two emotions I haven’t seen on Savannah since we were kids and the more I think over her personality changes recently, the more convinced I become that Luke may be right. Instead of being bubbly and smiling all of the time, she’s withdrawn and quiet. She hates any physical contact and the light in her eyes is simply dim. I just don’t know how to approach Savannah and ask bluntly if I need to cut Josh’s dick off before torturing him slowly for hurting my sister. Not a very subtle conversation to have with someone.
I’ve been on pins and needles over our lunch date since she replied to the text agreeing to meet me. We decided to meet at a restaurant close by her house, so after I drop Heidi Jo off at school, I stop by Simon Energy quickly to check in on Colton. He has been all up in arms over some violations that MSHA smacked us with last week. We were given two weeks to bring everything up to code or we’d have to face a ten thousand dollar fine for each day that the violations went over the two week deadline. He’s been working fourteen hour shifts, just to keep the miners asses in line and to keep any extra stress away from me; so we’ve seen very little of each other this week. He leaves the house at six AM each morning and comes dragging in after eight each night.
Shelly is nowhere in sight, so I grab the stack of mail and messages she has set aside for me and turn down the hallway towards Colton’s office. I stop mid step when I hear loud shouting seep from the walls. There are two voices, both are muffled and I can’t make out the argument. I knock on his office door once, but I’m sure he doesn’t hear me through the shouting. Intrigued by the argument, I twist the knob pulling the door open and enter Colton’s office. The shouting stops. Colton’s eyes pierce mine and the roiling anger that radiates from him and Bill causes my breath to hitch in my throat.
“Eh, I-I’m sorry. I knocked but maybe you didn’t hear me? I’ll be in my office. Just stop by when you have a second, please.”
“You ain’t gotta run off darlin’. This frickin’ bastard was on his way out the damn door.” Colton seethes through gritted teeth. Bill stands up slowly and walks away from Colton without another word. His face is tired and haggard. The hurt and anger written in his eyes confuses me. He tips his head at me as he walks past me but never mouths a word. When he’s out of the room, I close the door behind him then sit down in front of him.
“You alright?”
“Nothin’ for you to worry with, baby.” He doesn’t even raise his hands from his face to answer me. The same tension that enveloped the air when I entered the room still hangs heavily and anxiety grips my chest tightly not knowing what has caused Colton to be so torn.
“Colton, you know you can talk to me, right? I know things have been strained with you and your dad lately, but you can talk about it if you need to.”
His head raises slowly and when I catch sight of his narrow, red rimmed eyes, I nearly fall apart at the seams. I walk around the desk and climb into his lap the best my rounded belly will allow, and hold him close to me. “Please, just talk to me.” I beg, but my plea goes unheard.
“I thought you’re supposed to meet Savannah for lunch today, Carly Jo?”
“I’m meeting her at noon. I wanted to check to see how you were today. I know you have been stressed out with MSHA, so I’ve been worried about you.”
“Don’t worry with me, Carly Jo. I’m tryin’ to take damn stress off you, woman. Go have fun with your sister. I’m holdin’ the fort down just fine.” He presses a kiss to my lips, then lifts me from his lap. “I gotta get underground and light a fire under these bastards’ asses. I’ll see you at home.”
I want to comfort him and erase whatever is causing him to hurt, but Colton deals with things in his own way. I don’t know how his and Bill’s relationship has been over the last eight years, but lately it seems to strain more and more with each passing day.
When I get to Tessa’s Café I find Savannah waiting at a table in the far left corner of the restaurant. She has a compact in her hand blotting her face lightly with powder. She flinches as she powders the side of her jaw and a wild fury of anger rushes through me. I approach the table slowly, willing my anger to subside because I need to get answers from Savannah instead of basing everything on assumptions. Savannah smiles lightly when she sees me, but she doesn’t even stand to hug me. I sit down, scooting my chair as close to the table as the little monkey will let me.
“Aww, you look so adorable with a little baby bump.” She sings.
“Thanks, Sis. Little monkey is getting bigger by the day and she obviously thinks my organs are her drum set. I swear I pee all damn day long.” I gripe like every other hormonal pregnant woman.
“Wait! You said she and her? It’s a girl?”
“YES! It’s a girl!” I shriek louder than I intend. Clasping my hand over my laugh, I stifle back my laughter as I look around the room at all of the surprised faces. “I’m a bit excited, or can ya tell?”
“I’m happy for you, Carly.”
“Are you, Savannah? You seemed so hurt when I called to tell you we were engaged. It took me by surprise.” She drops her head hiding the shame that is clearly written in her eyes.
“I’m very happy for you, Sis. I’m sorry I got smart with you on the phone. I’ve been really tired lately, running after these kids and then basically wipin’ Josh’s ass. I need a break.” She says massaging her temples. “Like a blissful beach vacation and the sound of the ocean waves crashing against the shore line.”
“Well, what if I could organize that for you? It wouldn’t be kid free, but you can leave the dick at home; in fact leavin’ his ass is a stipulation.”
Savannah eyes me curiously, tipping the glass to her lips. Setting it on the table, her eyes narrow and a suspicious grin tips up her lips. “Stipulation, huh? For what, exactly?”
“For you to be my maid of honor.” I state flatly, making it appear as if the wedding is boring and mundane. Savannah’s mouth drops and she covers it with her hands as tears slip over her eye lids.
“Y-y’all are gettin’ married this soon?” She whispers.
“Our little monkey is due in September. We want our family complete when she arrives.”
The waitress interrupts our conversation to take our orders, leaving the table as quickly as she appeared. The conversation flows freely and the excited expression lit up on her face never wavers as I explain the wedding plans in detail.
“Wedding planning started out dreadful from the get-go. One hour of looking at wedding magazines was maddening enough for me. Colton jokingly mentioned getting married on the beach after he proposed. But once I realized how much time and attention I’d have to put into a traditional wedding, I reconsidered a beach ceremony.”
“So when’s the big day?”
“June twenty-eighth. I was thinking I could get married at the beach house in Myrtle Beach. I just want everything to be simple and elegant.” I grip her hand in mine, hoping to convey the importance of what I’m about to say. “Sis, I really want you and the kids there. This is such a special moment in my life. Please promise you’ll be there by my side when I take Colton’s hand.”
“I wouldn’t miss it, Carly.” She winks.
The waitress brings our food to the table and we eat in silence momentarily. “Who’s Colton’s best man? He doesn’t seem to have many friends.”
I chew back my food before replying, “Luke.” She drops the fork to her plate in surprise, her eyes wide in shock.
“Uhm, Luke? Seriously?” She asks tilting her head in bewilderment.
“Luke’s my best friend, Savannah. Colton loves me enough to put the past behind us and focus on our future. He and Luke are pretty good friends now.” I shrug. But then I wonder, maybe it’s not the Colton and Luke issue at hand, but the Savannah and Luke issue? Savannah squirms like she has ants in her pants when Luke is anywhere near her proximity. Then the reminder of why I’m having lunch with Savannah peeks its ugly head in and I wince knowing this lunch may just go south, fast.
“Listen, Sis,” I sigh, folding my napkin and placing it beside the plate, “I’ve been really worried about you lately. You just don’t seem like the same cheerful person I’ve always looked up to. Is there anything you need to talk about?” I beat around the bush, treading lightly so the land mines doesn’t explode beneath me. Savannah keeps her eye cast down as she twirls the fork lazily in the pasta.
“What do you mean, not the same, Carly?” She questions softly.
“You-you seem lost. You seem lonely. You seem afraid. You look unhappy.” Her big hazel eyes flutter up, glistening brightly with unshed tears.
“I’m fine, Sis. Don’t worry about me so much. You have your own happy little family to look after.” She smiles weakly, dabbing the tears in the corners of her eyes.
I suck in a long deep breath before asking bluntly, “Does he hit you?” My voice a small, but strong whisper. Savannah stares at me blankly, her lips a firm, flat line. Her eyes flash wildly with strife, fear and anger. “Are you going to answer me, Savannah or are you trying to consider which lie to feed me? I’ve seen enough of the marks, so please, spare me the insult and just be honest with the both of us.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Carly.” Savannah says, her voice hitching in her throat is the dead giveaway that’s she lying through her teeth.
“Savannah, you don’t have to live that way.”
“I appreciate the concern, Carly. Josh and I may not have a fairytale marriage that you think yours and Colton’s relationship consist of, but we get along just fine.” Her voice is laced with sarcasm and resentment.
“Savannah, how do you explain the bruises? How do you explain wincing every time someone extends their arms to hug you? How do you explain the complete edginess you display when another man gets inside of your space? Explain all of that to me, PLEASE!” I spit through my teeth, trying my damnedest to not draw attention to our table, but the heat crawling up my neck and around my face puts all of my emotions out there for the world to see.
“I’m clumsy.” She shrugs, rolling her eyes in annoyance. “I don’t like hugs, I’m a nurse and a germophobe. And who the hell do I get edgy around?” She retorts, frustration staining her cheeks a bright cherry red.
“Clumsy? Damn, you must think I’m stupid. Hugs? You’re the most huggable person I know. You used to annoy the shit outta me when we were kids giving me hugs each morning and every night!” I cross my arms relaxing them on the table before leaning closer to her. “Luke is worried about you, Savannah. You can lie to me all you want, but Luke Ashton sees right through you. Please, just be honest with me so I can help you.”
Her eyes grow as wide as saucers as all of the blood drains from her face. Her chin quivers and her chest begins to heave with an impending anxiety attack. She bolts from the table leaving her purse behind, heading straight for the exit. Gathering our things I pay the check and head out the door in search of her. I don’t see her on the street, so I look for her car where I find her sitting on the pavement with her knees in her chest, pouring her soul out into her lap. I stop in front of her and extend my hand to help pull her up from the cool pavement.
“Come on, Sis. You don’t need to cry here. Let’s get in the Tahoe.” She looks up under mascara smeared lashes and takes my hand. I lace my hand in hers and she leans her head on my shoulder as we walk to the vehicle. Climbing inside, I give her a few moments to calm her cries and pull her thoughts together. She takes a long hard breath as she looks up at me. The pain that floats in her eyes tugs at my heart and I know that if she can find the strength to tell her heartache, things will never be the same again.
Chapter 25
Shame
shame noun ˈshām
: a feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness that you have because you know you have done something wrong
Air slips from my lungs and my heart grows tight. Fear washes over me and I can’t resist the urge to run. I bolt out of the restaurant in search of an escape from this nightmare. I try to hide the tears, but when I get to my car I realize my keys are still in the restaurant along with my purse and my inquisitively, nosey sister.
That’s when the walls break.
The breath that’s been wedged between my heart and my lungs finds its release along with my agonizing cry. I hug my arms around my legs and let the tears flow freely, not caring whether I look like a mentally, incapacitated lunatic. I smell Carly’s Japanese Cherry Blossom scent wafting through the spring air before I see or feel her presence. She helps me up off the cool pavement and somehow I end up in her Tahoe.
I release my tortured cries as the memories of being abused filter through my mind. Anger, shame, disgust, sorrow and torment blanket over me and when the memory of being raped and beaten with his leather belt replays in my mind, I clasp my hands over my ears as a scream bellows through the vehicle. My eyes pierce open and my chest heaves anxiously. I look over to Carly who has her hand clasped over her mouth as tears trickle down her face.
“Why are you screaming, Carly?” I ask.
“Savannah, sweets.” Her eyes close softly and tears drip heavier down her cheek. “I didn’t scream, honey. That was you.” She whispers. She cries silently as she watches me.
I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat and steady my frantic breathing. “I. FRICKIN’. HATE. HIM!” I yell to the top of my lungs, and with each word the sobs come harder.
My mask is removed.
The façade of a happy, blissful marriage for Josh and I is no longer preserved and it feels amazing to finally break the barriers of his control. I glare out the window, thankful for the dark tint sheltering me from the outside world as the never ending cries echo from my chest. I can’t even find the words to form a sentence to plead for help and just the thought of reaching out fills me with a heavy sense of shame. Shame for letting my marriage turn into the debacle it is now. Shame for the punching bag I’ve become. Shame, knowing there ain’t a damn thing I can do about it. I don’t know how long I sit like this, but I let the dark thoughts that consume my mind flutter freely, trying to make peace with impending doom.
The last seven years of my life have been filled with torture, hatred and affliction. The man who made millions of promises broken will keep the one promise that will end my suffering. I should have found strength to leave him the first time he ever hit me, but I listened to his lies and believed it would never happen again. As the abuse matured, his hatred for me grew and I’ll never understand why. But the one promise Josh Moore will truly keep will be his plan for my demise if I ever turn my back on him.
Seeing the sweet, innocent faces of Brailee and Braden flash through my mind. I know I could never leave them with this monster. For my children, I will endure whatever
pain Josh feels I deserve, if only to protect them from the heartache and persecution I live with daily.
“Savannah, please talk to me. I have to know how to save you.”
“You can’t save the damned, Carly.” I smile weakly, before taking the compact from my purse to reapply my mask.
She grips my wrist in her hand, begging me to look her in the eyes. “Please let me help you. I’ll do anything I can, Savannah. Your secrets are safe with me,” she wipes her face softly with a Kleenex. “If not for you, for the kids.”
I cup my hand over hers and smile weakly, “Sis, that’s why I can’t let you help me. My babies need me more than I need your help.”
“Savannah, please! I’m begging you. Daddy raised us to be stronger than this! You have to fight back!” Teetering on the brink of insanity, my heart thuds violently against my ribs. I resolve to telling Carly some things, only to protect my children if Josh does go mad and kills me.
“It started with a bad morning when the twins were just infants. He smacked me because I burned breakfast. Neither of us had been sleeping much being young parents to newborn twins. I thought he was just tired, and let the stress get the best of him. He swore he’d never hurt me again, and being the foolish soul that I am, I believed him.” I shrug. “He hit me a few times over the years, but with each backhanded slap, his hatred for me grew stronger. The abuse in the past pales in comparison to what I endure almost anytime the man is in my presence now. Time passes by me in a blur because I’m left unconscious for days. He feeds off of my cries, enjoys every second of my torment.”
Carly’s eyes stay closed tight as I speak, thick tears rolling down her cheeks as she sobs silently. “I’m sorry, Savannah. Why didn’t you ever tell someone?”
“Who was I gonna tell, Carly? I have no friends, Momma is in Florida, Daddy is gone.”