Anathema (Sojourner Series Book 4)

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  I look down at my hand and try to move it beneath the swaddling gauze. That’s when the pain hits and I grimace. Lev strokes the bandage lightly. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I am so sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault,” I manage, suddenly exhausted. “None of this is your fault. It’s mine.” I can barely speak because my throat is so dry.

  “No, it’s because of the dagger.” He grabs the glass and helps me up enough so I can take a few sips before lying back down.

  In my peripheral vision I keep seeing the bandages. “How bad is it?” I whisper.

  He shrugs. We cleaned it and did the stitches here because the last thing we needed was to take you to the hospital and keep you in a mental ward for observation. It’s like you were sleep-walking with your eyes open. I don’t have a clue how we would have tried to explain that to the ER doctors, so we thought trying to treat you here was better. Evan is pretty skilled in that area.”

  I nod and try not to think about the vicious throbbing that feels like I’m being stabbed all over again with each new breath.

  “Do you need something for the pain?”

  I shake my head, knowing any drug I get for pain will likely dull my thoughts, and with this damned power, the last thing I need is to be less than coherent. I can see that he’s about to argue, but I shake my head even harder. “I’ll be fine, okay? Trust me. If I can’t take it, I’ll ask for something.”

  “Do you remember what happened before all this started? What might have set it off?”

  I swallow hard and try to remember. To be honest, even with the pain, my thoughts are scattered, and it frightens me. “I was getting ready to go to school. I walked to the Jeep.” I blink, trying to remember. It seems like so long ago.

  “And then what?” Lev softly prompts, stroking my good hand. “What else do you remember?”

  I chew my bottom lip, fighting to remember. Then it comes to me. Sarah. I’d seen Sarah walking down the street. “I saw a woman who looked like Sarah and chased her down. It was her, Lev. She threw me into a fire hydrant, and I hit my head.”

  The golden glow of Lev’s skin fades slightly, and he swallows hard. Although he tries not to show any emotions, the neutral line of his mouth is a dead giveaway. He closes his eyes and shakes his head as though trying to come to terms with something he doesn’t like.

  “You know what’s going on, don’t you?” I ask, pushing the hair from my face.

  “Not entirely, but enough.”

  “Then explain it to me.” I sit up as the grim reality of what’s happened sets in deeper than before.

  “Apparently the powers of the dagger were latent and might have remained that way if Sarah hadn’t attacked you, but once she did that, the power began to feed off that negative energy. I’m surprised we didn’t find Sarah’s dead body on the street. But if you see her again, I’m quite sure she won’t get away a second time.”

  I open my mouth to ask another question when Jimmie appears in the doorway, followed by Evan. The usual tight-lipped frown belies the fear in his eyes as he strides to me and sits on the bed beside me. For a moment, we just stare at each other, but as I realize how grateful I am at least most of what I witnessed wasn’t real, I fall into his arms and cling to him. He rubs a large circle on my back just like he used to when I was small and I’d had a horrible nightmare I couldn’t shake.

  “It’s okay,” he whispers. I don’t know how much Lev or Evan have told him, but I do know one thing. It doesn’t feel remotely close to okay. For a moment, I just sit there and let his love cocoon me against all the fears I can’t control, and when I finally do withdraw, he stares at my face for a few long seconds before standing so Evan can get through.

  He looks at both Jimmie and Lev. “I want to talk to Lizzie alone for a few minutes.” Lev straightens, and his lips part as though he’s about to argue, but something in Evan’s eyes convinces him otherwise. He gives me one last look before following Jimmie out of the room and closing the door behind them.

  “I get the feeling I’m not going to like this,” I finally say, looking down at my hand. Part of me wants to toy with the bandage, but part of me knows better.

  “No, you’re probably not.” Evan pulls up the chair from my desk and situates it near the bed so we face each other. I want to ask how the whole angel thing works and if he really isn’t Lev’s father, what their relationship is, but I know that’s just my coping mechanism. I guess I don’t want to talk about anything unless there’s something really difficult to talk about. Then it’s nothing rather than something, if that makes any sense.

  “I’m sorry Lev had to drag you away from wherever you were.”

  “It’s all right,” he manages and nods to my hand. “How’s your hand?”

  “Hurts some, but I’ll be all right.” The fluorescent lighting glitters in his blond hair, reminding me of Lev—as if I need any reminders.

  I can see he’s struggling to find the right words to tell me whatever it is I won’t want to hear, so I just shake my head. “You might as well just go ahead and say it. No matter how hard you try to find easy words, it won’t help.”

  “You’re more right than you know,” he finally admits, leaning back in the chair. “Here it is, then. Lev risked a lot when he interfered with things in order to keep you alive when you stabbed yourself with the dagger. He had worked so hard to save you he couldn’t not intervene, even though the consequences of that choice could lead to destruction. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  His tone is soft and low, and his eyes are sad. But none of that eases the truth. I nod. “You’re saying I never should have survived.” The words make me want to panic, but I manage to say them in a more or less detached way, as if I’m speaking about the weather.

  “Yes.” He shifts in his chair, and I can tell he’s just as uncomfortable as I am. “I tried to tell Lev there would be consequences for his decision, but he didn’t want to hear that. He wanted to believe that he could save you and avoid the unpleasant chain of events he’d set off.”

  “But he can’t, can he?” I reach for my water just for something to do, but my hand fumbles. The glass starts to tip, but Evan quickly seizes it.

  “No, he can’t.” He hands me the glass, and I take a sip. I feel him staring, and I have trouble breathing. It’s like the world has totally changed, and it scares me.

  “So what do we do now?” I set the glass back on the nightstand.

  “That depends on how far things have progressed, Elizabeth.”

  A cold chill sweeps through me, and I shudder. I know it’s more from fear than the temperature. “I don’t understand what that means.”

  “Did you see three very different angels after you hit your head and the world seemed to go crazy?”

  I know the angels he’s talking about, but I didn’t see them after, only before. It’s a technicality, but at this point, I don’t want to talk about those angels, so I lie. “No, I didn’t see them, at least not that I’m aware of.”

  Evan stares at my face, frowning for a moment before he finally nods. “All right.”

  “Who are they, anyway?” It’s a question I know I shouldn’t ask because I’m not going to like the answer, but I’m too rattled not to ask.

  “Every supernatural power has angels to watch over it, Elizabeth. The Dagger of Light was no different. When that power fused with you, you became a supernatural being, subject to their watching as well.” He stands and looks out the window.

  “But why should I bear watching? I’m not a weapon like the dagger.”

  Evan turns and folds his arms across his chest. “Yes, Elizabeth, you are, and since the transformation, you are more dangerous to the world of men and of angels because so ancient a power is now fused with a fallible human spirit. And now that power has been awakened, thanks to Sarah, we have to temper it and teach you how to use it if necessary.”

  “Where do those angels come in, then?” I try to keep my voice casual, but that’s far from easy con
sidering the panic building inside.

  Evan draws a deep breath and lets it out. “I’m hoping by some miracle they didn’t feel the disturbance when the dagger’s power shifted to you. Then again, I don’t know how they could’ve missed it, considering I wasn’t anywhere close to you, and I felt it.”

  I lick my lips nervously. “So what if they do come? What happens then?”

  “They’ll begin tracking you by your aura, Elizabeth, and once they find you, we will have to convince them you didn’t intend to absorb the power and are really no threat.”

  I grip the blanket tighter and shake my head. “How could they believe anybody would want this power?”

  Evan rakes his fingers through his hair. “They have good reason to want to protect the power you possess—and just because you don’t want it doesn’t mean others with less altruistic motives wouldn’t love to have it. You don’t realize what you possess.”

  I shiver. “Then tell me.”

  “You can kill all beings, Elizabeth, even angels. Do you understand just how dangerous that gift could be and why if they come looking for you, it’s not going to be any small feat to convince them you do not wish to have this power, and that it was an accident that gave it to you? If we don’t convince them as much, they will kill you.”

  I sit up and start to swing my legs over the side of the bed, all the while feeling Evan hovering, a grim frown of concern on his face. I start to get up, but my knees are unsteady, and I fall back onto the bed.

  “Perhaps you should lie down a bit longer. You still seem pretty shaken.”

  I want to tell him I’m fine, that I’m ready to start learning how to use this gift, but I’m frightened, not of the angels but of myself. What if I cannot learn to control it? I swallow hard. “In my dream or whatever it was, you were the only one who could fend off the power. Why?”

  He shrugs. “I’m guessing because the dagger was supposed to be in my keeping, so it was built with a fail-safe mechanism to keep from harming me.” Although he’s trying to keep his voice strong and undaunted, I can sense a turmoil from within him.

  “But you don’t know how long that fail-safe mechanism is good for, do you? You can’t say for sure it will last, can you?”

  “No.”

  I close my eyes, and a shudder runs through me as I remember the details of that dream or trance, whatever it was. Lev was so sure Evan could save him from me, and I was so sure I wanted to believe him. Biting my lip, I force myself to stand and ignore the fuzziness still plaguing my vision.

  “You should get back in that bed,” Evan warns softly. He walks over to cut off my path. “You’re still pale and weak.”

  “I can’t just lie around and pray this gets better. You didn’t see the world I saw, the one where I actually used this ‘gift.’”

  I try to brush past him, but Evan sets his hands on my shoulders, stopping me. “You think not, Elizabeth? Both Lev and I know what you imagined. In order to free you from the trance, we had to slip into that world with you.”

  “Then you know why I can’t stay here.” I fold my arms across my abdomen. “You know why I wish I could cut this thing out of me.”

  Evan reaches out and touches the bandage. “I know that. But it’s not something you can cut out. It has become one with you, and no matter how much you hurt yourself, you won’t get rid of it.”

  I close my eyes and tense at the thought of my next words. “Unless I get rid of me, too.” I try to walk away, but Evan’s fingers tighten.

  “That’s not an answer, Elizabeth. Lev would do anything to save you. Don’t throw that away because right now it’s hard.”

  I jerk free, even though the motion makes me dizzy. “This is hard? That’s it? Because I was thinking more along the lines of impossible. I love Lev with every fiber of my being, but I can’t be with him because I’m afraid of what this power will do. You’re the one who said I could kill angels, or don’t you remember that?”

  “You can’t run away from this. If we don’t do something, the triune of angels will hunt you down, and Lev will sacrifice himself protecting you. Is that what you want?”

  My shoulders cave under the weight of that news, and I try to think of something—anything—that will make my life salvageable. But there’s nothing. My knees start to buckle, and I feel the tears coming but can’t stop them. The grief is like a freight train hitting my body at top speed. Somehow Evan is there to guide me back to the bed, and I lie down, closing my eyes to shut out the world around me.

  “I didn’t ask for any of this,” I whisper. “Why can’t I make it go away?”

  Evan strokes my hair. “I know you didn’t. Just give me some time to figure out how to help, okay? Don’t do anything rash.”

  If I weren’t hurting so badly, I’d ask him to define rash. Is it stabbing my body with a supernatural weapon? Or falling in love with an angel? What defines rash and how the hell do I avoid it?

  Chapter Four

  It’s evening when I finally resurface into consciousness. Although I’ve been having nightmares, for some reason I’m not experiencing them right now. At first, I just think maybe I just imagined the dreams. Then I open my eyes and find myself curled up next to Lev, with his wings draped around my body. Although there’s a soft glow that emanates from his body and wings, it’s a peaceful, drowsy light that almost soothes me back to sleep.

  “Welcome back,” he whispers, staring at me with those mesmerizing blue eyes.

  “How long have I been out?” I start trying to move, but he’s got one arm draped over me, and it isn’t budging, his way of making sure I don’t exert myself.

  “It’s almost midnight.” He looks at my hand. “How does it feel?”

  I shrug. “Not so bad, I guess.” I want to tell him it doesn’t matter how much my hand hurts; it’s nothing compared to this deep ache buried in my chest. “Where’s Evan?” I try not to tense, but I can’t help it, not with this power that could go off at any moment.

  “Research. He’ll be back soon.” He offers me a lazy smile.

  “What if—”

  Lev slips his fingers across my lips and murmurs, “Shhhh. There’s no point in going there. If I need to, I’ll make myself scarce, don’t worry.” He brushes my cheek softly and moves forward so he can kiss my lips, and for that moment, when I feel that feather-light caress, I’m lost as I can be, only with Lev. The world around us ceases to exist, and time stops. I wish I could remain there with him, but he gently pulls away and brushes the hair from my eyes.

  “You are beautiful, Elizabeth.”

  “So you are trying to distract me, aren’t you?” I whisper breathlessly, feeling my heart galloping in my chest.

  “No, just stating an observation.” He lays his head so close to mine he is all I can see.

  “I wish we could stay like this forever.” I feel my body begin to tremble, and I know it’s because he’s so near. It happens every time.

  “Well, we can,” he murmurs, leaning close to kiss me. “At least until you get hungry or have to go to the bathroom.

  I swat at him lightly, and he laughs. “Not funny,” I say, waving a warning finger at him.

  “It all depends on your perspective, Elizabeth.” He starts to say something else when his body abruptly stiffens and he withdraws his wings from around us to reveal Evan sitting in the chair. A meaningful exchange of glances forces Lev to slide his legs over the side of the bed and rise.

  “What…what’s going on?” I ask, looking from one to the other, but neither is giving anything away. The two start to step into the hallway, but I quickly move from the bed.

  “No, you don’t. This is about me, so I get to know what,” I demand, starting to follow.

  “Elizabeth,” Lev says, stroking my face.

  I bat his hand away. “Don’t try to distract me. You want me to trust you, but I can’t do that if you won’t tell me what’s going on.”

  Evan nods. “She has a right to that.” Another exchange of meaningful
glances and they both come back into the room. Lev and I sit on the edge of the bed as Evan takes the chair. For a moment, we just look at one another until Evan finally clears his throat.

  “I’ve been looking for answers, Elizabeth, but I don’t think you’re going to like what I’ve found.”

  I stiffen, my back suddenly rigid. “All right. Maybe I won’t. But not hearing it won’t change it.”

  “Elizabeth, we don’t have to go here.” I hear Lev’s voice in my thoughts, blocking everything out, and when I look over, I see the concerned frown on his face as he sets his hand atop mine.

  “Stop it!” I snap, jerking away. “I know you want to protect me, but the truth is you can’t. No one can. This is how my life is right now, so I have to learn to deal.” I take a shaky breath and turn to Evan. “Get on with it.” My voice sounds so normal; I only wish I felt normal to match. Anything except this emptiness.

  Evan leans back and shakes his head. “I was looking for a way to reverse the transfer, but there’s nothing.”

  “What do you mean?” I feel Lev’s hand settle back atop mine.

  “Well, there might be a way, but the only ones who know are the angels in the triune ultimately responsible for the dagger, and we don’t want to involve them. If they find out, we’ll figure out a way to deal with them. But our best bet is to continue with the original plan of training you to use the power as best we can so the episode you experienced yesterday won’t replay itself. That’s when it will become very dangerous for everyone concerned, especially you, Elizabeth.” He stands and paces toward the window. As he peels back the curtains to peer out, I see the dark just outside. Part of me has always loved moonlight, but part of me—the part that dreams—hates it with a passion.

  “I take it these three angels aren’t very tolerant.” I barely manage the words; the answer Evan will give frightens me.

  “They are the extreme, Elizabeth, beings who come with a sure swiftness to cut through grey issues.”