Anathema (Sojourner Series Book 4)

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  “Are they ever wrong?” I fold my arms across my chest and rub them, trying to feel warmer.

  “Of course they can be wrong. They’re supernatural, not perfect. We can all be wrong.” Evan whirls to face us. “Have you learned nothing from Lev’s choices?”

  Evan’s sudden burst of anger leaves me dazed as he and Lev share yet another round of meaningful glances before Evan departs.

  I look down at my hand. “I didn’t mean to anger him.”

  Lev slips his finger under my chin and lifts so I have to face him. “He’s not angry at you, Elizabeth. If there is someone he blames, it’s me. He advised me to make a different choice, and I didn’t listen.” He sighs and shakes his head.

  “Do you regret your choice?”

  He frowns and shakes his head. “Do you really even need to ask? I love you, and I would do anything to keep you safe, so there wasn’t a choice. I had to intervene. I knew what I was doing and take full responsibility, but I’m not the one who might be judged. You are. That troubles both Evan and me, which is why his temperament is off.” He opens his arms, and I fall into them.

  “This is so crazy,” I whisper.

  “I know.” I hear his voice rumble through his chest, and the sound of it makes me feel safe.

  “Do you regret loving me, Elizabeth?” He speaks casually, as if either answer would be acceptable, but I know that can’t be right. He’s trying not to feel so much, but the pain is there all the same.

  “Of course not.”

  His embrace tightens, and I smile, knowing that even though he won’t admit it, my words have eased at least some of his pain.

  For a few moments, we linger like that before I stir from the throbbing in my hand. I look down at the gauze and try to move my fist, but it hurts like mad.

  “We should probably take a look at that and change the dressing,” Lev says. When he sees my pale face and horrified grimace, he shakes his head. “On second thought, I should probably take a look at it because I really don’t want you passing out on me.”

  “Thanks,” I mutter, wishing I felt well enough to wipe the smirk off his face. But my tone comes out as anything but sarcastic, probably because I’m too busy looking away while he unwraps the gauze and inspects the wound.

  “How does it look?” I ask, counting the books on the shelf just to give myself something to do.

  “Like you put a knife through your hand,” Lev says gruffly.

  “Thanks!” I mutter, shaking my head. “You’re so witty sometimes.”

  “It’s not infected, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He drags my hand over to a plastic basin and pours peroxide on the open wound. Although I usually don’t react to peroxide, this time the stinging almost makes me jump off the bed.

  “Take it easy, Elizabeth. I’m almost done torturing you.”

  He lightly dabs something against it to dry it and then puts a topical cream on it before wrapping it in a fresh bandage. When he’s done, he throws the old dressing away.

  “There you go. Good as new,” he says.

  “Somehow it doesn’t feel it,” I mutter, trying not to think about the constant throbbing.

  “It’s gonna take time to heal.” He shakes his head. “You were lucky you only got one strike in. When I came into the kitchen, you were about to try to cut your hand off at the wrist.” He’s looking at the floor, and I can tell this topic really bothers him, probably like it bothered me to be holding that dagger with people expecting me to stab him.

  “I know you thought Sarah was dead, but she isn’t. Is it possible some of the others have survived as well?”

  “You mean like Jayzee?” He screws the lid back on the peroxide.

  “Yeah.”

  He nods. “Evan seems to think so.” He sets the bottle back on my nightstand.

  “How is Griffin?” I chew my lip until it bleeds.

  “Still weak, which is pretty much a give-away that something isn’t right. He should be feeling a lot stronger by now, but he isn’t. He’s actually weaker.”

  I quickly stand and walk toward the door. “I want to see him.”

  “All right.” Lev falls in behind me, and together we go down the hall to Griffin’s room. As we reach the doorway, Lev slips his hand into mine and pushes open the door. As the hinges squeak, I realize that someone sits beside his bed, watching over him, and I stiffen, remembering in my dreams how Jayzee was in the room with him.

  “It’s all right,” Lev says and nudges me forward.

  At the sound of his voice, the woman in the chair abruptly turns, and I rush toward her, smiling at her tight curls and impish grin.

  “Celia!” I grab her so tightly I almost knock the breath out of her.

  She laughs and hugs me back. “Glad to see you, too. Just wish it were under better circumstances.”

  I pull back and look at Griffin. He’s sleeping, but it’s far from peaceful. Sweat glosses his face, and he’s so pale; I’ve never seen Griffin like this. Ever. “Is there anything I can do for him?” My voice barely comes out as a whisper.

  “We’re doing everything we can,” Celia says, giving me one last reassuring squeeze before releasing me. “How are you holding up?”

  I take a deep breath and shrug. “Definitely been better.”

  She nods sympathetically. “I know things seem pretty dark right now, but it won’t last forever. You just have to remember that.”

  “I’m trying. I edge towards Griffin. “How long has he been sleeping?”

  “A while.” Celia sits down in the chair.

  “Could I have a few moments alone with him?”

  Celia and Lev exchange glances before they finally head for the door. I shut it, hoping Griffin will awaken long enough for me to talk to him about Jayzee.

  Once I’m sure they aren’t coming back, I sit in the chair next to Griffin and watch him sleep for a couple of moments, which only makes things harder. I hate to see him like this. It really bothers me. I have to find a way to fix this. Shaking my head, I start to reach and wake him, but that’s when his body starts twitching convulsively.

  “Griffin?” I say, shaking him.

  His body convulses worse.

  “Wake up!” I shake him even harder. I must be shouting because the next thing I know Celia, Evan, and Lev throw open the door and stride into the room. I feel them behind me even as I keep shaking Griffin, so sure I can jar him from this nightmare. Lev gently takes my arm.

  “Come on, Elizabeth.” He tries to lead me away, but I pull free, still frantically trying to wake Griffin. I don’t understand. He looks weak, and he won’t respond.

  “Griffin, wake up!” My voice trembles, and I hear myself about to cry but can’t stop shaking him.

  “Get her out of here,” Evan orders as he stands on the other side of the bed, examining Griffin’s pupils.

  Although I start to argue I want to stay, Lev wraps his arms around me and carries me from the room, ignoring my flailing legs. My arms struggling beneath his are no match, and it takes very little for him to get me into the hallway.

  “Put me down!” I snap, fully intending to go back in there and help.

  “I will. As soon as you promise me you’ll stay put.” His voice is calm and reasonable, everything I don’t feel right now, and no matter how hard I try to break his grip, it’s no use, and my feet dangle uselessly so I can’t even use the floor for leverage.

  “I want to help Griffin.”

  Lev leans close to my ear. “I know. But there’s nothing you can do. In fact, your presence may be more detrimental to him than we realized.”

  I immediately stop trying to free myself as a coldness washes over me, and even after Lev gently sets me on the ground, I remain rooted to the spot, trying to understand what he meant. “How….”

  Lev shrugs. “I don’t know, really. But Griffin has been unconscious and calm this whole time. Then, after the powers were triggered, you go in there and he starts having what looks like a seizure. Something d
oesn’t add up.”

  I swallow hard and look at the ground. “So this is my fault.” I can hear my voice, but it sounds far away, speaking words I never expected to have to say.

  Lev steps towards me and gently caresses my arms. “No, it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask for any of this. It just happened. You were trying to save me, and that sacrifice has had consequences.”

  I lean against the wall and look at Griffin’s closed door. “This is the reason I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, and that seems to be all I’m good at right now.”

  “No,” Lev argues as he comes to rest against the wall next to me. “You confirmed something we suspected but weren’t sure of. Griffin is right. Jayzee is still alive.”

  “How do you know?” I think of the last time I saw her, when everything was going south and I was about to destroy Lev. I shudder violently.

  He takes my hand. “Because if she weren’t still attached to Griffin, he wouldn’t have had that kind of a reaction to being in the same room with you. Jayzee senses the power via the connection she shares with Griffin. That’s what made him physically react that way.”

  “But how do we break that connection? There has to be a way.”

  Lev nods. “There is.” He looks ahead instead of meeting my gaze.

  My throat tightens, making it harder to breathe. “What is it?”

  “The power of the dagger, Elizabeth. That’s what it was designed for, dealing with rogue angels who have completely forsaken their true purposes.”

  My shoulders sag as I realize exactly what he’s telling me. “You mean I have to kill her, don’t you?” I grit my teeth and think back to that dream or whatever it was that almost resulted in me cutting off my own hand.

  He stares just head for a moment before finally nodding. “Yes.”

  “Is that why I dreamed I killed her?” I fiddle with the corner of the gauze wrap, threatening to pull it loose before Lev stops me.

  “I don’t know, Elizabeth. There’s so much we don’t know about the dagger. It’s possible the power latched onto her because you were mulling over the possibility she had survived the last use of the dagger, which should have killed her. But all of this is speculation. I don’t have any way of knowing exactly what’s going on.”

  I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes, willing myself to focus on my breathing, not the furious pounding of my heart I can’t seem to slow no matter what I do. My thoughts are spinning out of control, and I don’t know what to do. I remembered the feeling when I thought I’d killed Jayzee. The power was so painful, and then seeing her body next to Griffin.

  “How do I do this?” My voice is raw, and I keep my eyes closed so I don’t have to see his face. “How do I kill another being?”

  Lev squeezes my hand. “I don’t really think it’s going to be up to you, Lizzie. The power will work of its own accord no matter how you feel about it.”

  “Meaning?” My throat feels dry and scratchy. I just want to run away.

  “You have become the vessel for it, Elizabeth. I’m hoping we can harness the power, but if arguing with Sarah was the touchstone to trigger the power’s awakening, I’m not sure what will happen the first time you actually see Jayzee, which is why we need to start training you as soon as possible.”

  “Great,” I mutter. “So the next time I see a rogue angel, am I going to go bonkers and start killing everyone in sight like in that dream?” My whole body now aches with tension, and I want to quit and run anywhere but here.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Lev whispers, enfolding me in his arms. “One way or another, we’ll find a way to deal with this stuff.”

  “I don’t want to kill anyone,” I whisper and open my eyes to peer into his. The hall light shimmers in his blond hair, and I find myself lost in his gaze. The heat of his body warms me so I stop shivering. I know it’s not about temperature; it’s about my whole world collapsing in on itself as I stand and watch. But even the pain and sadness that seem to cling to me lessen in Lev’s arms. Part of me thinks it’s just being with him that makes it easier to bear; part of me thinks he’s using his abilities to relax me. Both parts are probably right.

  “I’m glad Celia is here,” I whisper as he leads me into the living room where we sit on the couch. Lev probably realizes I’m not going to be able to drift to sleep very easily, not with my thoughts racing so fast, so he’s probably hoping to distract me with a movie or some mindless television show.

  “Yeah, I know you missed her.” He kisses my forehead as I lean against his chest and wait for his arms to wrap around me.

  “So will you explain something to me?”

  He shrugs. “If I can.”

  “I know Evan isn’t your father and Celia isn’t your sister, but you three seem to stay together. Why?”

  He looks down at me, studying my expression. “Earth is a hard place for angels, Elizabeth. We’re used to a place that doesn’t have this kind of misery, and so when we are expected to fulfill our duties, our Father puts us in groups—not for safety, just to help remind us of what we left behind and to hold fast to those memories as we accomplish our earthly tasks.” He leans his head back. “So even though Evan and Celia are not related to me as most families are, they are my family because of my Father’s designs.”

  And when he says that, I realize that me falling into Jimmie’s life was no accident. That, too, was part of a design, and I will always be grateful for that. Jimmie has been amazing.

  “So how is this training thing going to work?” I ask softly, my thoughts still lingering on Griffin and Jayzee.

  “We’ll start tomorrow. Since the key, I think, is getting to feel the power within you and channel it, the first thing we have to do is help you understand how the power feels when it is hidden.”

  “How will you do that?” I ask, thinking maybe that doesn’t sound so bad, after all. Surely that won’t hurt anyone.

  “You’ll have to go back into a trance state, where you are most susceptible to feeling the power. Once you feel it, we can begin to work with it.”

  “No, don’t ask me to do that.” I sit upright, and even the thought of returning to a state where I wanted to kill myself to protect those around me makes me feel nauseated.

  “It won’t be like last time,” Lev whispers, leaning forward with me. His fingers lazily stroke my lower back, trying to soothe me.

  “You can’t know that.”

  “Evan will be there. He will keep things under control.” He leans his forehead against mine. “I promise you no one will be in danger.”

  “But what if something goes wrong? What if Evan’s power somehow fails?” I pull back and look at him, my faith shaken. “I can’t lose you, Lev. I won’t.” I tense my hands, forgetting that one of them is wounded. Immediately the pain rips through me.

  Lev gently takes that hand. “Evan won’t fail us. You just have to have faith.”

  I shake my head, wondering how much of what Evan told me he shared with Lev because it sure seems like Lev has no idea that Evan may not be able to control that power growing within me.

  “Lev, worst case scenario, what happens if I lose complete control and this power takes over? What happens then?” I don’t know why I’m asking, maybe to test his boundaries.

  “It won’t.” He’s quick to answer and even quicker to stand, and I realize it’s not me he’s trying to get away from so much as it is the questions I’m asking him for answers he can’t bear to give.

  “You don’t know that.” I force myself to rise as well and follow him to the window. “And we have to talk about this. There has to be a plan. I can’t go around killing people, Lev. Whether I wanted this gift or not, it doesn’t matter. I can’t do that. So you have to be prepared-”

  “Enough!” Lev hisses, raising his hand, as though that will physically silence me. “It’s not going to happen like that.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  He grabs my arms and whirls me t
o face him so our noses are mere inches apart. “I do, Elizabeth. I have faith—and I believe that no matter what, it won’t come to that.”

  Chapter Five

  The world is darkness swirling around me as I run through the misty forest. My feet are bare, and I feel rocks and sticks jab my soles. But I cannot stop. Never stop. They will find me.

  I risk a skewed glance back. More darkness. I cannot see them. But they have no trouble finding me in spite of the thick mist that seems to hang in the air. Ahead, a low branch crosses my path, and I barely manage to duck while keeping my speed up.

  “Where am I?” I mutter, trying to get my bearings. But nothing looks like it should, and even the sky is dark. The mist and clouds block the full moon from my sight.

  A light flashes in front of me, and I cannot stop except by sliding to the ground in front of the large, glowing being with shimmering wings. Before I can scramble to my feet, two more of them converge from the sides.

  I open my mouth to scream, but no sound will come even as I watch them raise their long arms and point at me. Glowing light leaps from their fingertips to my chest. I scream. How I scream.

  I jerk upright, expecting to find myself lying beside Lev on the couch. Instead I lie atop the damp ground, a full moon hanging in a cloudless sky. I look around, trying to figure out where I am and how I got here—something that makes sense. What is even more bizarre is that I’m surrounded by headstones and statues.

  What in the hell am I doing in a cemetery?

  Trying to shake off the dream, I force myself to stand and search for Lev. He has to be here. This makes no sense. As I start to walk around, I feel pain. Looking down, I realize I’m not wearing any shoes, and one foot aches from something sharp prodded into it.

  “Lev?” I call, forcing myself to start walking again despite the pain. The moonlight helps me avoid stepping on other things, at least.

  An owl answers my call, and I jump, not expecting the sound to come from behind.

  “Lev? Are you here?”

  Stupid question. If he were, I think he would have answered. But I don’t know what else to do, and although the days are still pretty warm, the night breeze caressing my bare arms leaves goosebumps stippling the skin. I keep thinking about those angels, the ones who will be coming for me, and I know I probably should have told Evan the truth, but I’m so tired of this. Sometimes I just want the whole thing to go away.