by Various
A lady stepped from the Limited Express at a side station, on aspecial stop order. To the only man in sight she asked:
"When is the train for Madison due here, please?"
"The train went an hour ago, ma'am: the next one is to-morrow at eighto'clock."
The lady in perplexity then asked:
"Where is the nearest hotel?"
"There is no hotel here at all," replied the man.
"But what shall I do?" asked the lady. "Where shall I spend thenight?"
"I guess you'll have to stay all night with the station agent," wasthe reply.
"Sir!" flashed up the lady, "I'd have you know I'm a lady."
"Well," said the man as he strode off, "so is the station agent."
"_Follow the Leader_"
A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school class of girls ofeighteen or nineteen years each, which had formerly been taught by alady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properlyintroduced to the class. The superintendent accordingly took him tothe class for this purpose and said:
"Young ladies, I introduce to you Mr. Chase, who will in future beyour teacher. I would like you to tell him what your former teacherdid each Sunday so that he can go on in the same way. What did shealways do first?"
And then a miss of sixteen said: "Kiss us."
_Very Easily Explained_
A neighbor whose place adjoined Bronson Alcott's had a vegetablegarden in which he took a great interest. Mr. Alcott had one also,and both men were especially interested in their potato patches. Onemorning, meeting by the fence, the neighbor said, "How is it, Mr.Alcott, you are never troubled with bugs, while my vines are crowdedwith them?"
"My friend, that is very easily explained," replied Mr. Alcott. "Irise very early in the morning, gather all the bugs from my vines andthrow them into your yard."
_Proved His Teacher Wrong_
Little Willie's father found his youthful son holding up one of hisrabbits by the ears and saying to him: "How much is seven times seven,now?"
"Bah," the father heard the boy say, "I knew you couldn't. Here'sanother one. Six times six is how much?"
"Why, Willie, what in the world are you doing with your rabbit?" askedthe father.
Willie threw the rabbit down with disgust. "I knew our teacher waslying to us," was all he said.
"Why, how?" asked his father.
"Why, she told us this morning that rabbits were the greatestmultipliers in the world."
At the Department Store
A man with a low voice had just completed his purchases in thedepartment store, says the "Brooklyn Eagle."
"What is the name?" asked the clerk.
"Jepson," replied the man.
"Chipson?"
"No, Jepson."
"Oh, yes, Jefferson."
"No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n."
"Jepson?"
"That's it. You have it. Sixteen eighty-two----"
"Your first name; initial, please."
"Oh, K."
"O.K. Jepson."
"Excuse me, it isn't O. K. You did not understand me. I said 'Oh'."
"O. Jepson."
"No; rub out the O. and let the K. stand."
The clerk iooked annoyed. "Will you please give me your initialsagain?"
"I said K."
"I beg your pardon, you said O. K. Perhaps you had better write ityourself."
"I said 'Oh'----"
"Just now you said K."
"Allow me to finish what I started. I said 'Oh,' because I did notunderstand what you were asking me. I did not mean that it was myinitial. My name is Kirby Jepson."
"Oh!"
"No, not O., but K. Give me the pencil, and I'll write it down foryou myself. There, I guess it's O. K. now."
_The Worst Death There Is_ BY BILL NYE
It is now the proper time for the cross-eyed woman to fool with thegarden hose. I have faced death in almost every form, and I do notknow what fear is, but when a woman with one eye gazing into thezodiac and the other peering into the middle of next week, and wearingone of those floppy sunbonnets, picks up the nozzle of the garden hoseand turns on the full force of the institution, I fly wildly to theMountains of Hepsidam.
Water won't hurt any one, of course, if care is used not to forget anddrink any of it, but it is this horrible suspense and uncertaintyabout facing the nozzle of a garden hose in the hands of a cross-eyedwoman that unnerves and paralyzes me.
Instantaneous death is nothing to me. I am as cool and collectedwhere leaden rain and iron hail are thickest as I would be in my ownoffice writing the obituary of the man who steals my jokes. But Ihate to be drowned slowly in my good clothes and on dry land, and havemy dying gaze rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive anarrow-gauge mule into convulsions and make him hate himself t'death.
_A Long-Lived Family_
A "dime museum" manager, having heard of a man 123 years of age,journeyed to his home to try and secure him for exhibition purposes.
"Well, my friend," said the museum manager, "the proofs of your ageseem to be all right. Now, how would you like to come to my place,just do nothing but sit on a platform and let people look at you, andI will pay you $100 a week ?"
"I'd like it all right," answered the aged man. "But I couldn't go,of course, unless I had my father's consent."
"Your father!" gasped the manager. "Do you mean to say your father isalive?"
"Yes, indeed," replied the man.
"Well, where is your father? Home here?" asked the manager.
"Oh, yes," was the answer. "He's upstairs, putting grandfather tobed!"
_Silenced the Ringleader_
The head teacher in a Sunday-school was much worried by the noise ofthe pupils in the next room, At last, unable to bear it any longer, hemounted a chair and looked over the partition. Seeing a boy a littletaller than the others talking a great deal, he leaned over, hoistedhim over the partition, and banged him into a chair in his room,saying:
"Now be quiet."
A quarter of an hour later a smaller head appeared around the door anda meek little voice said:
"Please, sir, you've got our teacher."
_Got Out of That, All Right_
"My dear," said a wife to her husband, "do you realize that you haveforgotten that this is my birthday ?"
"Yes, dearie, I did forget it," replied the husband. "Isn't itnatural that I should? There isn't really anything about you toremind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago."
_He Simply Looked That Way_
The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tellfrom a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, forexample," he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?"He was right.
"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "Ishould say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right.
The other two men got interested.
"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man.
"That's right, too," said the New Englander.
"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man.
"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sickfor three months: that's what makes me look that way!"
_What She Would Like_
A little girl stood in a city meat-market waiting for some one toattend to her wants. Finally the proprietor was at liberty,approached her and said benignantly, "Is there anything you wouldlike, little girl?"
"Oh, yes, sir, please: I want a diamond ring, and a seal-skin sacque,a real foreign nobleman, and a pug dog, and a box at the opera, and,oh, ever so many other things; but all Ma wants is ten cents' worth ofbologna."
_The Highest Price in the Store_
A rich American woman visited a Japanese art shop in Paris. Ithappened to be a dull, dark afternoon. She looked at the bronzes,jewels, drawings and other things, and finally, pointing toward adusky corner, she said to the polite young salesman: "
How much is thatJapanese idol over there worth?"
The salesman bowed, and answered: "About five hundred thousand francs,madam. It is the proprietor."
_From Different Points_
"Father, you were born in California, you say?"
"Yes, my son."
"And mother was born in New York ?"
"Yes."
"And I was born in Indiana?"
"Yes, my boy."
"Well, father, don't it beat the Dutch how we all got together!"
_So Son: So Father_?
A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then toldthat he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the farcorner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother toldhim what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl underthe bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, "Hello, Pop, isshe after you, too?"
_How Could He_?
"Papa" was becoming impatient at the lateness of the hour when heremarked: "I can't see why that young fellow who is calling on Minniehasn't sense enough to go home. It's near midnight."
"The dear little brother" of the family just then came in, heard hisfather's remark, and ventured some light:
"He can't go, father. Sister's sitting on him."
_Couldn't Leave Town_
A lawyer had a horse that always balked when he attempted to cross acertain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping orurging would induce him to cross it, so he advertised him for sale:"To be sold for no other reason than that the owner would like toleave town."
_He Knew His Father_
"Suppose," said a father to his little boy, "you have half an appleand I give you another half. How much have you?"
"A whole apple," said the boy.
"Well," continued the father, "suppose you had a half dollar and Igave you another half dollar. What would you have then?"
"A fit," promptly answered the boy.
_A Valuable Office Boy_
The employer was bending over a table, looking at the directory. Thenew office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. Thesurprised employer opened it, and read:
"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."
_She Had a Question to Ask_
A certain prominent dry-goods merchant is also a Sunday-schoolsuperintendent. Not long since he devoted the last few moments of theweekly session to an impressive elucidation of the parable of theProdigal Son, and afterward asked with due solemnity if any one of the"little gleaners" present desired to ask a question. Sissy Jones'shand shot up.
"Very well," he said, designating her with a benevolent finger and abland smile, "what is it you would like to know, Cecilia?"
"Please, what's the price of them little pink parasols in yourshow-window?"
_The Only Time When He Does_
A "Subscriber" once wrote to an editor and asked: "Please tell me,does a man in running around a tree go before or behind himself?"
The editor answered:
"That depends. If he is trying to catch himself, necessarily hefollows himself, and consequently goes behind. If, on the contrary,he is running away from himself, the deduction leads to the veryobvious conclusion that he precedes himself, and consequently goesbefore. If he succeeds in catching up with himself, and passeshimself, at the moment of passing he neither precedes nor followshimself, but both he and himself are running even. This is the onlycase where he does not go before or behind himself."
_In the Absence of a Tip_
"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and notpassing the horse?" said an English cabman with exaggerated politenessto the fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.
"Why?" she inquired.
"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for a shilling 'e'll 'ave afit," was the freezing answer.
_Her Father Didn't Like It_
A young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry himhe'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her house. "Oh,please, don't do it, dear," she said; "you know father doesn't wantyou hanging around here."
_He Didn't Mind His Going Once_
An elderly gentleman, a stranger in New York and not sure of his way,stopped a young man on Fifth Avenue and said:
"Young man, I would like very much to go to Central Park."
The young man became thoughtful for a moment, and then, looking theold gentleman in the face, said:
"Well, I don't mind your going just this once, but don't ever, everask me to go there again."
_Never Again_
It was a pitiful mistake, an error sad and grim. I waited for therailway train; the light was low and dim. It came at last, and from acar there stepped a dainty dame, and, looking up and down the place,she straight unto me came. "Oh, Jack!" she cried, "oh, dear oldJack!" and kissed me as she spake; then looked again, and, frightened,cried, "Oh, what a bad mistake!" I said, "Forgive me, maiden fair,for I am not your Jack; and as regards the kiss you gave, I'llstraightway give it back." And since that night I've often stood uponthat platform dim, but only once in a man's whole life do such thingscome to him.
_A Kiss in the Rain_ by SAMUEL MINTURN PECK
One stormy morn I chanced to meet A lassie in the town; Her locks were like the ripened wheat, Her laughing eyes were brown. I watched her as she tripped along Till madness filled my brain, And then--and then--I know 'twas wrong-- I kissed her in the rain.
With raindrops shining on her cheek Like dewdrops on a rose, The little lassie strove to speak, My boldness to oppose; She strove in vain, and quivering, Her fingers stole in mine; And then the birds began to sing, The sun began to shine.
Oh, let the clouds grow dark above, My heart is light below; 'Tis always summer when we love, However winds may blow; And I'm as proud as any prince, All honors I disdain: 'She says I am her _rain beau_ since I kissed her in the rain.
_What He Had Re(a)d_
An Irishman, says "The Rochester Times," recently went before JudgeStephens to be naturalized.
"Have you read the Declaration of Independence?" the Court asked.
"I hov not," said Pat.
"Have you read the Constitution of the United States?"
"I hov not, yer Honor."
The Judge looked sternly at the applicant, and asked:
"Well, what have you read?"
Patrick hesitated but the fraction of a second before replying:
"I hov red hairs on me neck, yer Honor."
_Apostle and Epistle_
A man riding through the mountains of Tennessee stopped one evening towater his horse before a little cabin, outside of which sat an oldcolored woman watching the antics of a couple of piccaninnies playingnear by.
"Good-evening, Aunty," he called. "Cute pair of boys you've got.Your children?"
"Laws-a-massy! Mah chillun! 'Deed, dem's mah daughteh's chilluns.Come hyah, you boys."
As the boys obeyed the summons the man inquired their names.
"Clah to goodness, sah, dem chilluns is right smaht named!" said theold woman. "Ye see, mah daughteh done got 'ligion long ago, an' nameddese hyah boys right out de Bible, sah. Dis hyah one's named ApostlePaul, an' de uddah's called Epistle Peter."
_More than Enough_
An eight-year-old boy went to a church picnic, and, being a favoritewith the ladies, had been liberally supplied with good things to eat.Later in the day one of the ladies noticed the boy sitting near astream with a woebegone expression on his face and his hands claspedover his stomach.
"Why, what's the matter, Willie?" she kindly asked. "Haven't you hadenough to eat?"
"Oh, yes'm," said the boy. "I've had enough. I feel as though Idon't want all I've got."
_His Only Request_
A pretty young girl was walking through a Richmond hospital withdelicacies for the sick and wounded. She overheard a suffering youngConfederate officer say, "Oh, my Lord!"
Wishing
to rebuke him slightly she came to his bedside and said:
"I think that I heard you call upon the name of the Lord. I am one ofHis daughters. Is there anything that I can do for you?"
He looked upon the lovely face.
"Yes," he said, "please ask Him to make me His son-in-law."
A Good Majority
A well-known English surgeon was imparting some clinical instructionsto half a dozen students, according to "The Medical Age." Pausing atthe bedside of a doubtful case he said: "Now, gentlemen, do you thinkthis is or is not a case for operation?"
One by one each student made his diagnosis, and all of them answeredin the negative.
"Well, gentlemen, you are all wrong," said the wielder of the scalpel,"and I shall operate to-morrow."
"No, you won't," said the patient, as he rose in his bed; "six to oneis a good majority; gimme my clothes."
_Ready to Accommodate Her_