by Various
Attorney-General Moody was once riding on the platform of a Bostonstreet car, standing next to the gate that protected passengers fromcars coming on the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of thecar, and, as it stopped, started toward the gate, which was hiddenfrom her by the men standing before it.
"Other side, please, lady," said the conductor.
He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man.The lady took another step toward the gate.
"You must get off the other side," said the conductor.
"I wish to get off on this side," came the answer in tones thatcongealed that official into momentary silence. Before he couldexplain or expostulate Mr. Moody came to his assistance.
"Stand to one side, gentlemen," he remarked quietly. "The lady wishesto climb over the gate."
_A New Name for Them_
One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of variouswords to her young nephew. "Now, an heirloom, my dear, meanssomething that has been handed down from father to son," she said.
"Well," replied the boy thoughtfully, "that's a queer name for mypants."
_He Wanted to Know_
A bishop in full robes of office, with his gown reaching to his feet,was teaching a Sunday-school class. At the close he said he would beglad to answer any questions.
A little hand went up, and he asked: "Well, my boy?"
"Can I ask?" said the boy.
"Certainly," said the Bishop; "what is it ?"
"Well," asked the boy, "is dem all you've got on, or do you wear pantsunder dem?"
_Woman's Love and Man's Love_
"There's just two things that break up most happy homes," observed aphilosopher.
"What's them?" inquired a listener.
"Woman's love for dry goods an' man's love for wet goods, b'gosh!"
_Much Simpler_
At a country fair out in Kansas a man went up to a tent where some elkwere on exhibition, and stared wistfully up at the sign.
"I'd like to go in there," he said to the keeper, "but it would bemean to go in without my family, and I cannot afford to pay for mywife and seventeen children."
The keeper stared at him in astonishment. "Are all those yourchildren?" he gasped.
"Every one," said the man.
"You wait a minute," said the keeper. "I'm going to bring the elk outand let them see you all."
_One Button was in Use_
A school principal was trying to make clear to his class thefundamental doctrines of the Declaration of Independence.
"Now, boys," he said, "I will give you each three ordinary buttons.Here they are. You must think of the first one as representing Life,of the second one as representing Liberty, and the third one asrepresenting the Pursuit of Happiness. Next Sunday I will ask youeach to produce the three buttons and tell me what they represent."
The following Sunday the teacher said to the youngest member:
"Now, Johnnie, produce your three buttons and tell me what they standfor."
"I ain't got 'em all," he sobbed, holding out two of the buttons."Here's Life an' here's Liberty, but mommer sewed the Pursuit ofHappiness on my pants."
_He Remembered_
A restaurant-keeper hung out this sign:
"Coffee: Such as Mother Used to Make."
A customer asked, pointing to the sign:
"Is your coffee really such as mother used to make?"
"It is," replied the proprietor.
"Then," said the man with a reminiscent look, "give me a cup of tea."
_Wasn't Delicate at All_
A young man, not regarded as a very desirable suitor, had called upona young lady a number of times, each time to be told by the maid that"Miss Florence was not well today."
One day, in response to his card, the young lady's mother, who was arecent accession to the newly-rich ranks, and whose education was notas sure as it might be, appeared and explained once more to the youngman that the daughter was not well.
"I am very sorry, indeed," said the young man as he rose to go, "thatyour daughter is so delicate."
"Delicate?" sniffed the mother; "Florence dell'cate? Not at all.Why, she is the most indelicate girl you ever met."
_A Live Topic_
A member of the faculty of the University of Chicago, according to"Harper's Weekly," tells of the sad case of a young woman from Indianawho was desirous of attaining social prominence in Chicago.
Soon after her arrival there she made the acquaintance of a student atthe university to whom she took a great fancy.
Evidently it was at this time she realized for the first time that herearly education had been neglected, for she said to a friend:
"I suppose that, as he is a college man, I'll have to be awful carefulwhat I say. Whatever will I talk about to him?"
The friend suggested history as a safe topic. To her friend'sastonishment she took the advice seriously, and shortly commenced inearnest to "bone up" in English history.
When the young man called, the girl listened for some time withill-concealed impatience to his talk of football, outdoor meets,dances, etc., but finally she decided to take the matter in her ownhands. She had not done all that reading for nothing; so, a pause inthe conversation affording the desired opportunity, she suddenlyexclaimed, with considerable vivacity:
"Wasn't it awful about Mary, Queen of Scots?"
"Why, what's the matter?" stammered the student, confused.
"My gracious!" almost yelled the girl from Indiana, "didn't you know?Why, the poor thing had her head cut off!"
_The After-College Girl's Complaint_
A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talkbuzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kepttwitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smotheredexclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and leftthe room.
"Your daughter," said the visitor, "seems to be suffering from theheat."
"No," said the hostess. "She is just back home from college and sheis suffering from the family grammar."
_It All Seemed So Unnecessary_
A city man once had occasion, says "Lippincott's Magazine," to stop ata country home where a tin basin and a roller-towel on the back porchsufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the "hired man"of the household watched in silence the visitor's efforts at making atoilette under the unfavorable auspices, but when on the third day thetooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., had been duly used andreturned to their places in the traveler's grip, he could suppress hiscuriosity no longer, so boldly put the question: "Say, Mister, air youalways that much trouble to yo'se'f?"
_Overdid it a Bit_
A famous statesman prided himself on his success in campaigning, whencalled upon to reach a man's vote through his family pride.
On one of his tours he passed through a country town when he camesuddenly upon a charming group--a comely woman with a bevy of littleones about her--in a garden. He stopped short, then advanced andleaned over the front gate.
"Madam," he said In his most ingratiating way, "may I kiss thesebeautiful children?"
"Certainly, sir," the lady answered demurely.
"They are lovely darlings," said the campaigner after he had finishedthe eleventh. "I have seldom seen more beautiful babies. Are theyall yours, marm?"
The lady blushed deeply.
"Of course they are--the sweet little treasures," he went on. "Fromwhom else, marm, could they have inherited these limpid eyes, theserosy cheeks, these profuse curls, these comely figures and thesemusical voices?"
The lady continued blushing.
"By-the-way, marm," said the statesman, "may I bother you to tell yourestimable husband that ------, the Republican candidate for Governor,called upon him this evening?"
"I beg your pardon," said the lady, "I have no husband."
"But these children, madam--you surely are not a widow ?"
"I fear you were mistaken, sir, when you
first came up. These are notmy children. This is an orphan asylum!"
_One on the Doctor That Time_
A prominent physician, whose specialty was physical diagnosis,required his patients, before entering his private consultation-room,to divest themselves of all superfluous clothing in order to savetime. One day a man presented himself without having complied withthis requirement.
"Why do you come in here without complying with my rules?" demandedthe doctor. "Just step into that side room and remove your clothingand then I'll see you. Next patient, please!"
The man did as requested, and after a time presented himself inregular order duly divested of his clothing.
"Now," said the doctor, "what can I do for you ?"
"I just called," replied the man, "to collect that tailoring billwhich you owe us."
_Anxious About Him_
One winter's day a very bowlegged tramp called at a home in Ontarioand stood to warm himself by the kitchen stove. A little boy in thehome surveyed him carefully for some minutes, then finally approachinghim, he said: "Say, mister, you better stand back; you're warping!"
_The Only Way He Could Help_
Chief Justice Matthews, while presiding over the Supreme Court atWashington, took the several Justices of the Court for a run downChesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was gettingdecidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in greatdistress, Chief Justice Matthews touched him on the shoulder and saidin a tone of deepest sympathy: "Is there anything I can do for you,Gray?"
"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor canoverrule this motion."
_He Was Willing to Oblige_
A young North Carolina girl is charming, but, like a great many othercharming people, she is poor. She never has more than two eveninggowns in a season, and the ruin of one of them is always a veryserious matter to her. She went to a little dancing-party last weekand she wore a brand-new white frock. During the evening a great big,red-faced, perspiring man came up and asked her to dance. He wore nogloves. She looked at his well-meaning but moist hands despairingly,and thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit,and then she said, with a winning smile;
"Of course I'll dance with you, but, if you don't mind, won't youplease use your handkerchief?"
The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light brokeover his face.
"Why, certainly," he said.
And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose.
_Not All the Time, But_----
A man saw a waiter in a restaurant spill a tureen of tomato soup overa young lady's white gown.
The young lady, instead of flying into a passion, smiled. She said itdidn't matter. She continued to eat and to talk as though nothing hadhappened.
This so impressed the man that he got an introduction to the younglady, proposed to her at the end of a month or so, and was accepted.
Some time after the marriage he spoke of the tomato-soup accident.
"I shall never forget it," said the bride.
"Your conduct," said the man, "was admirable."
"I remember," she said, "that I did behave very well at the time; butI wish you could have seen the marks of my teeth on the bedpost thatnight."
_Necessity and Invention_
A mother with her seven children started away on a journey. Afterentering the car the largest child was laid out flat on the seat, andthe remaining six then sat upon him in a row.
When the conductor came around to collect the fares the mother countedher money, handed it over, smiled, and suavely said: "Sir, the oldestis under six."
_Taking No Chances_
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago,and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was foundpinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:
"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plainfit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."
_Too Much Curiosity_
A dangerous operation was being performed upon a woman. Old DoctorA------, a quaint German, full of kindly wit and professionalenthusiasm, had several younger doctors with him. One of them wasadministering the ether. He became so interested in the old doctor'swork that he withdrew the cone from the patient's nostrils and shehalf-roused and rose to a sitting posture, looking with wild-eyedamazement over the surroundings. It was a critical period, and DoctorA------ did not want to be interrupted. "Lay down, dere, voman," hecommanded gruffly. "You haf more curiosity as a medical student."
_They Were Both Charged_
A little girl, brushing her hair, found that it "crackled," and askedher mother why it did.
"Why, dear, you have electricity in your hair," explained the mother.
"Isn't that funny?" commented the little one. "I have electricity inmy hair, and Grandmother has gas in her stomach."
_Could Use the Other Kind, Too_
"Here," said the salesman, "is something we call the 'lovers' clock.'You can set it so it will take it two hours to run one hour."
"I'll take that," said Miss Jarmer with a bright blush. "And now, ifyou have one that can be set so as to run two hours in one hour's timeor less, I think I'd like one of that kind, too."
_A Regard for Appearance_
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the lastseason's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big whitepicture-hat.
"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'dlook jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
_Rapid-Fire_
A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars andStripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag wasvery much in evidence:
"Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is! It suggestsnothing but checker-berry candy."
"Yes," replied a bystander, "the kind of candy that has made everybodysick who ever tried to lick it."
_Kipling at a Luncheon_
At a tea the other day, says "The New York Sun," a woman heard thefollowing remarks made about her favorite author. She turned tolisten, amazed by the eccentricities of conduct narrated.
"Yes, you know," the hostess was saying, "Kipling came in and behavedso strangely! At luncheon he suddenly sprang up and wouldn't let thewaitress come near the table. Every time that she tried to come nearhe would jump at her.
"He made a dive for the cake, which was on the lower shelf of thesideboard, and took it into the parlor to eat it. He got the crumbsall over the sofa and the beautiful rug.
"When he had finished his cake he simply sat and glared at us."
The visitor finally could not control herself, and asked:
"Excuse me, but are you speaking of Mr. Rudyard Kipling?"
"Mr. Rudyard Kipling?" echoed the hostess. "Oh, no; Kipling is ourdog!"
_Getting His Trousseau Ready_
The kindly 'Squire of the neighborhood was just leaving from afriendly social visit to Mrs. Maguire.
"And your son, Mrs. Maguire?" said the 'Squire as he reached for hishat. "I hope he is well. Busy, I suppose, getting ready for hiswedding tonight ?"
"Well, not very busy this minit, 'Squire," answered the beamingmother. "He's upstairs in bed while I'm washing out his trousseau."
_There Was a Chance_
"Going to send your boy on an ocean trip, are you?" said a friend toa father.
"Yes," replied the father. "You see, if there is anything in him Ithink a long sea voyage will bring it out."
_Deserved to be Tried_
The Judge was at dinner in the new household when the young wifeasked: "Did you ever try any of my biscuits, Judge?"
"No," said the Judge, "I never did, but I dare say they deserve it."
_End of the Honeymoon_
An old married man happened to meet a beaming bridegroom on thelatter'S first day at business after the wedding trip.
"Hello!" said he; "fi
nished your honeymoon yet?"
"I don't know," replied the happy husband, smiling. "I have neverbeen able to determine the exact meaning of the word honeymoon."
"Well, then, has your wife commenced to do the cooking yet?"
_If You Have a Mole_
No one is said to be without a mole or two, and these are some of theprognostications that mole-wearers may draw from their brownornaments;
A mole on the right side of a man's forehead denotes wonderful luck;on the right side of a woman's forehead, gifts from the dead.
On the left side of a man's forehead a mole denotes a long term inprison, on the left side of a woman's forehead, two husbands and alife of exile.
A man with a mole in the middle of his forehead has a cruel mind; awoman with such a mole is foolish and envious.
A mole on the neck in man or woman promises a long and happy life,wealth and fame.
A man with a mole on the left side of the upper lip rarely marries,and such a mole in the case of a woman denotes suffering.