by Various
_What Else Could He Be_?
There is a man who is the head of a large family, nearly every memberof which is a performer on some kind of musical instrument.
A friend who was visiting the house of this man referred to the fact,remarking that it must be a source of great pleasure to the family,but to this observation the father made no reply.
"Really," continued the friend, "it is remarkable. Your younger sonis a cornetist, both your daughters are pianists, your wife is aviolinist, and, I understand, the others are also musicians. Nowwhat are you, the father of such a musical combination ?"
"I," replied the old man sadly--"I am a pessimist."
_He Had to Stand Up_
An American doctor built an elegant home, says the "San FranciscoChronicle"; his bathroom was exceptionally beautiful, being of whitemarble with silver hardware; a music-box was concealed in the room.After completion of the home an Englishman came to visit the doctor.Now the English always show great respect for their sovereign andtheir country, and this one was no exception.
After showing his home to the Englishman the doctor remembered thefondness English people have for the bath, and escorted his guest tothe bathroom, and while there turned on the music-box, wishing togive his guest a pleasant surprise as he bathed. Then he left hisfriend in the bathroom.
About an hour later the Englishman joined his host in thedrawing-room. The doctor immediately asked what his guest thought ofthe bathroom. The Englishman replied: "It is beautiful, beautiful."
"Well," said the doctor, "how did you like my music-box?"
Said his guest with great disgust in his tones:
"Bah! That music-box! The old thing played 'God Save the King,' andI had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe."
_His Heartbreaking Task_
"Darling," said the bride, "I had a terrible feeling of sadness comeover me this afternoon--a sort of feeling that you were doingsomething that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet,what were you doing, now, this afternoon at four o'clock?"
"Dearest," replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, "at thathour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes."
_Easily Accounted For_
An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at EllisIsland. He gave it.
"Speak louder," said the officer.
He repeated it.
"Louder," again said the officer; "why, man, your voice is as soft asa woman's!"
"Well," said Pat, "that might be. Me mother was a woman."
_The Retort Courteous_!
A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket thatthe occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with apolite message asking if it would be possible for the party to makeless noise, since, as the servant announced, "Mr. Smith says that hecannot read."
"I am very sorry for Mr. Smith," replied the host. "Please presentmy compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read,and tell him I could when I was four years old!"
_When He Left_
A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of herhusband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"
"Nearly every night," was the reply.
_A Popular Store_
The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. "Youmust be severely tried," said a man standing by. "There are allsorts and conditions of people in the world,"
"Yes, there are," said the salesman, "and they're all here, too!"
_He Couldn't Bend_
A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who wereextremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To theirdismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the othersat table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passedand the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady ofthe house could endure the situation no longer.
"Atheism?" asked she sharply.
"No, madam," humbly responded the new boarder; "boil."
_Really, All the Same_
As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed totraveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:
"Conductor, what door shall I get out by?"
"Either door, ma'am," graciously answered the conductor. "The carstops at both ends."
_He Had a Good Excuse_
"Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins," said the parson; "is your husband athome?"
"'E's 'ome, sir, but 'e's abed," replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had justfinished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on theclothesline.
"How is it he didn't come to church on Sunday? You know we must haveour hearts in the right place."
"Lor', sir," retorted the faithful wife,"'is 'eart's all right. It's'is trouziz!"
_One of Lincoln's Little Notes_
President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latterwas in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known,conducted a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make anymistakes that he made very little headway. President Lincoln sentthis brief but exceedingly pertinent letter:
"_My Dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should liketo borrow it for a while."
"Yours respectfully, A. LINCOLN."
_Fair Play_
A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality,says "Lippincott's Magazine," when one of them took up his parablethus:
"I was down in Louisiana last month travelin' cross country when wekinder got lost in a lonesome sort of road just about dark, and whenwe saw a light ahead I tell you it looked first rate. We drove up tothe light, findin' 'twas a house, and when I hollered the man cameout and we asked him to take us in for the night. He looked at usmighty hard, then said, 'Wall, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.'
"So we unhitched, went in, and found 'twas only a two-room shanty andjust swarmin' with children. He had six from four to 'leven yearsold, and as there didn't seem to be but one bed, me an' Stony waswonderin' what in thunder would become of us.
"They gave us supper, and then the old woman put the two youngestkids to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out,laid them over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on.After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folks went inthe other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and,bein' powerful tired out, we did.
"Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we was lying over in thecorner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bedl"
_Cold Comfort That_
A country minister who lived quite a distance from his church wasovertaken on the way over one Sunday morning by a heavy shower. Therain poured in torrents, and by the time he arrived at the church hewas almost drenched. Shaking the water from his hat and coat heremarked:
"Really, friends, I am almost too wet to preach."
"Oh, never mind," replied one of his congregation; "you'll be dryenough in the pulpit!"
_A "Billet-Doux"_
She was a winsome country lass, So William on a brief vacation, The time more pleasantly to pass, Essayed flirtation. And while they strolled in twilight dim, As near the time for parting drew, Asked if she would have from him A "billet-doux." Now this simple maid of French knew naught, But doubting not 'twas something nice, Shyly she lifted her pretty head, Her rosy lips together drew, and coyly said, "Yes, Billy--do," And William--did.
_When Pat Laughed Last_
A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boatfor the purpose of having a sail.
One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat'sexpense, asked him if he knew anything about astrology.
"Be jabers, no," said Pat.
"Then that's the best part of your life just lost," answered theEnglishman.
The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything abouttheology.
"Be jabers, no," answered Pat.
"Well," the
second said, "I must say that's the very best part ofyour life lost."
A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Patbegan to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both calledloudly to Pat to help them.
"Do you know anything about swimology?" asked Pat.
"No," answered both Englishmen.
"Well, be jabers," replied Pat, "then both of your lives is lost!"
_Could Eat, but Couldn't See_
A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room ata hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours fordining.
"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three,and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.
"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin'ter git ter see the town?"
_How She Got It_
A little girl was sent by her mother to the grocery store with a jugfor a quart of vinegar.
"But, mamma," said the little one, "I can't say that word."
"But you must try," said the mother, "for I must have vinegar andthere's no one else to send."
So the little girl went with the jug, and as she reached the counterof the store she pulled the cork out of the jug with a pop, swung thejug on the counter with a thud, and said to the astonished clerk:
"There! Smell of that and give me a quart!"
_What the "Grip" Is_
Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, "Faith, I hadthe grip last winter." To draw him out the questioner asked, "Whatis the grip, Patrick?"
"The grip!" he says. "Don't you know what the grip is? It's adisease that makes you sick six months after you get well!"
_Wouldn't Have Been Strange_
Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a fewmoments' desultory talk the first said rather querulously:
"I don't know what's the matter with that tall, blond gentleman overthere. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won't look at me now."
"Perhaps," said the other, "he saw me come in. He's my husband."
_A Place for Jeremiah_
A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on theprophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At lasthe finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. Hetook a long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the majorprophets."
After the major prophets had received more than ample attention thecongregation gave another sigh of relief.
"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the majorprophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?"
At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiahcan have my place," he said; "I'm going home."
_The One Thing He Wanted_
After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival wasserved with the first dinner course of soup. Hesitating a moment ashe glanced at his plate, the guest said to the waiter:
"I can't eat this soup."
"I'll bring you another kind, sir," said the waiter as he took itaway.
"Neither can I eat this soup!" said the guest a trifle moreemphatically, when the second plate was served.
The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plateof soup.
"I simply can't eat this soup!" once more said the guest, in a low,emphatic tone.
By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor,while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way withcurious glances.
"Really, sir, this is unusual. May I ask why can't you eat any ofour soups?" demanded the proprietor.
"Because I have no spoon," replied the guest quietly.
_Why He Would Like It_
The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the familytable:
"Father, I wish I could be 'a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord,'as you said this morning."
"Indeed," said the minister-father, with a pleased look across thetable at his wife.
"Yes," said the boy, "for then I wouldn't have to listen to thesermon."
_Why Mr. Duffy's Nose was Red_
The late Mr. Duffy, of Keene, New Hampshire, says "The BostonHerald," was well known for his life-long total abstinence fromintoxicants, which seemed somewhat at variance with the fact that hisnose was very red.
On one occasion, when on business in a liquor saloon in hisneighborhood, a drummer came in to sell cigars. To gain the goodgraces of the bartender he invited all in the place to drink, towhich invitation all readily responded save Mr. Duffy.
The drummer went to him, and slapping him on the shoulder, said: "Isay, old man, what are you going to have?"
"I thank you, sir-r, but I niver dhrink," was Duffy's quiet reply.
"What, you never drink?" said the drummer with a sarcastic laugh."Now, if you never drink, will you please tell me what makes thatnose of yours so red?"
The impertinence of the questioner at once aroused the irascibilityof the old gentleman, and he replied: "Sir-r, it is glowing withproid because it is kept out of other people's business."
_Why He Knew_
A prominent Judge, who was an enthusiastic golfer, had occasion toquestion a boy witness in a criminal suit.
"Now, my boy," said the Judge, "are you sure that you know the natureand significance of an oath--that is, what an oath really means?"
The boy looked up at the Judge in surprise, and then answered:
"Why, of course I do, Judge. Don't I caddy for you at the CountryClub?"
_Her Idea of Remembrance_
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of theirrace, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.Said the cook:
"Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowerson my grave. Jes plant a good old watermelon-vine; an' when she gitsripe you come dar, an' don't you eat it, but jes bus' it on de grave,an' let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground!"
_Did He Win Her_?
Conversation lagged for a moment, according to a "Life" story, then,as he sipped his tea, he remarked quietly, but with a meaningemphasis, "You are to be married."
"Mercy me! To whom?" was the startled reply.
"To me; I came today on purpose to tell you."
_The Dog wasn't Touched_
"Madam," said the conductor as he punched a ticket, "I am very sorry,but you can't have your dog in this car. It is against the rules."
"I shall hold him in my lap all the way," she replied, "and he willnot disturb any one."
"That makes no difference," said the conductor. "Dogs must ride inthe baggage-car. I'll take and fasten him for you."
"Don't you touch my dog, sir," exclaimed the young lady excitedly."I will trust him to no one," and with indignant tread she marched tothe baggage-car, tied her dog and said: "Remember, please, I don'twant a soul here to touch my dog or untie him: you understand?"
The baggage crew said they did.
As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing theconductor, asked: "Is my dog all right?"
"I don't know, miss," replied the conductor.
"Don't know?" she replied. "Why don't you know? It's your businessto know. You haven't touched him or untied him?"
"No; we didn't touch or untie him, and that's just it. You tied himto a trunk checked for two stations back. The trunk had to be putoff, and so we threw the dog off with the trunk!"
_Not the Kind She Wanted_
"Which way, please, to the corset department?" she asked of thefloor-walker.
"Straight back, madam."
"No, not straight back," was the reply. "I want a straight front."
_His Last Request_
JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death): "You have the legalright to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will begranted,"
PRISONER (a barber): "I should like just once more to be allowed toshave the District Attorney."
_Why He Really Wa
nted to Go_
"Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?" asked thebridegroom in a tender voice.
"What! to smoke, sweetheart?" questioned the bride.
"Oh, dear, no," replied the young husband; "I want to experience theagony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will beall the more intensified."
_No End to This Game for Two_
Said He: "It is sweeter to give than receive. Of a whipping this doubtless is true, But of kissing I cannot believe It holds good, till I've tried it. Can you?" Said She; "I don't know; let's each give and receive, And so come to proof of the prop. Now you give, and I'll take, and we'll leave The one to decide who cries 'Stop!'"
_And This in Boston_!
A man who has just returned from Boston is "chortling" over a goodjoke on that correct and literary city. He says that in thereading-room of one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is asign that reads: