by Various
ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE
_Man Wants but Little, etc_.
"Please, mum," said a tramp, "would you be so kind as to let me havea needle and thread?"
"Well, y-e-s," said the housewife at the door, "I can let you havethat."
"Thankee, mum. Now, you'd oblige me very much if you'd let me have abit of cloth for a patch."
"Yes, here is some."
"Thankee very much, mum. It's a little different color from my suit,I see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband's oldclothes that this patch will match."
"Well, I declare! You're clever, my man, and I'll give you an oldsuit. Here is one."
"Thankee greatly, mum. I see it's a little large, mum, but if you'llkindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out."
_It Certainly Tickled Them_
An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the firsttime. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, "Did you see mypicture safely delivered?"
"Indeed I did," replied the man, "and mighty pleased they seemed tobe with it--leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn't say nothin',but, Lor'! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!"
_Cured Without Medicine_
A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored mannamed Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as somethingof a confidential adviser to the divine.
Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill.After a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithfulservitor, saying:
"Julian, I want you to go to my assistant, and tell him that, as I amunwell, he will officiate for me in this morning's service."
At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded hismaster that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This thelatter did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return homefeeling much better.
"Youse better, sah ?" asked the man, meeting his master at the door.
"Very much better, thank you, Julian."
The servant grinned. "What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you'd beall right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system."
_Enthusiasm Squelched_
An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing overthe fact and the pleasures to come.
"How delightful it will be," he said to his wife, "to tread thebounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, thesea, the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in greatdrafts of life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on theprow of the steamer with my mouth open----"
"You probably will, dear," interrupted his wife encouragingly."That's the way all the ocean travelers do."
_Definitive_
The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word"conceited," which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson."Now, boys," he said, "suppose that I was always boasting of mylearning--that I knew a good deal o' Latin, for instance, or that mypersonal appearance was--that I was very good-looking, y' know--whatshould you say I was?"
Straightforward Boy; "Sure, sir, I'd say you was a liar, sir!"
_Wanted to Give Her Every Chance_
The clerk was most obliging, but the young woman customer was hard toplease. Roll after roll of blankets did he patiently take down andshow to her; nothing suited.
For some fifteen minutes this mock sale went on, then the young womansaid condescendingly, "Well, I don't intend to buy. I was justlooking for a friend."
"Wait a moment, madam," cried the clerk. "There is one more blanketleft on the shelf. Maybe you will find your friend in it."
_Murder Will Out_
The newly-graduated daughter who had decided to become an artist hadreturned to her Boston home. "I am glad that your mind has taken aturn toward art, for you know that more is expected of you now thanif you lived in Chicago," said her proud parent.
"Yes, Father," she replied dutifully, with downcast eyes.
"And I hope that you will distinguish yourself in more than one way."
"Yes, Father."
"I particularly desire that you become noted as an essayist also,"continued the ambitious parent.
"Yes, Father," was the still modest reply.
"I have spared neither pains nor expense in your education thus far,but notwithstanding this immense outlay of time and money, if you canthink of anything which you believe will add to your equipment forthe career which you are about to begin--if you can suggest someother way of refining your taste, please do so. Do you know ofanything else, my dear?"
"Yes, Father," and this time the downcast eyes were raised and lookedhopefully into his.
"Speak out; never mind the expense."
"Well, Father, I'd like to go this afternoon and see Sullivan thumpthat yap from the country."
_Taking Mamma at Her Word_
MOTHER: "Ethel, you naughty child, what have you been doing to makeCharlie cry so?"
ETHEL: "I've only been sharing my cod-liver oil with him, mamma. Yousaid it was so nice."
_It Was Worse Than Bigotry_
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked aroundand discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said,"what's this man charged with?"
"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."
The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at suchignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that'strigonometry."
_A Devotional Turn of Mind_
As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening servicehe met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to havebecome an active member of the church.
"Good-evening, my young friend," he said solemnly; "do you everattend a place of worship?" /
"Yes, indeed, sir; regularly, every Sunday night," replied the youngfellow with a smile. "I'm on my way to see her now."
_Poor Little Chap_!
A little boy from the slums had been taken out into the country forthe first time. After a bit he was found sitting, all by himself, ona high bank, and gazing wistfully out over the hills.
The woman who had made the little excursion possible quietly seatedherself at the youngster's side. To her the child turned a radiantface and asked:
"Say, it's dern pretty, ain't it? Is this all in the United States?"
_The Horse Had a Habit_
At an annual series of races "for all comers," the sun was blazingdown on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all waiting for atall, raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the starterand get into line.
The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. "Bring up thathorse!" he shouted. "Bring him up!"
The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back;"I can't! This here's been a cab-horse, and he won't start till hehears the door shut, an' I ain't got no door!"
_She Won Her Uncle_
Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsomefour-year-oid Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too muchfuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.
One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear andtrembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if hewould keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but neverstirred from his position--in truth his eyes were tight shut.
By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over UncleHarry softly inquired:
"Feepy?"
"No," growled Uncle Harry.
"Tired?" ventured Helen.
"No," said her uncle.
"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.
"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.
"Dus' feel bum, hey?"
And that won the uncle!
_Still He Wondered_
One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was lookingover his books one day, comparing his list of patients. "I had agreat many
more patients last year than I have this," he remarked tohis wife. "I wonder where they have all gone to?"
"Well, never mind, dear," she replied. "You know all we can do is tohope for the best."
_A Lesson In It_
"The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is," said a man to amember of that organization, "that instead of opposing thechristening of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it anddraw from it a great temperance lesson."
"Why, how can we?" asked the "white ribboner."
"Well," was the reply, "after the first taste of wine the ship takesto water and sticks to it ever after."
_It Was His Privilege_
As an express train was going through a station, says "Tit-Bits," oneof the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced andfell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he didhimself no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a fewbruises, said to a porter who was standing by:
"What shall I do?"
"You're all right, mister," said the porter. "Your ticket allows youto stop off."
_Still Hopeful_
"Well, Jimmy," said his employer, "I don't see how you are going toget out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died fourtimes last summer."
"Oh, yes, I can, sir," answered Jimmy. "Grandpapa has married again,although it was very much against the wishes of the family."
_He Thought She Ought to Know It_
"No, I haven't anything for you today. You are the man I gave somepie to a fortnight ago?"
"Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p'r'aps you'dlike to know I'm able to get about again."
_A Possible Substitute_
"What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?" asked thecustomer of the new grocery clerk.
"Nothing but bananas, ma'am," was the reply.
_One on the Preachers_
The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbathobservance were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cardsbearing the name of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been receivedby prominent citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of avessel on the next Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that thetide was highest on that day.
Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertisedand denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some oneremembered it was April the first.
_Charlie Remembered Her Well_
A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was tounite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance ofbaptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to theriver. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was alittle boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedingswere entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strangecuriosity as the candidate was led into the water. The springfreshets had made the river somewhat turbulent, and it was withdifficulty that the minister maintained his footing. During thefollowing week the young woman called at the home of this family, andafter the usual greetings said to the little boy as she extended herhand: "Come here, Charlie, and see me. You don't know who I am, doyou?" she continued. "Yes, indeed I do," said the boy. "You's thatwoman who went in swimmin' with the minister on Sunday."
_Couldn't Follow Him_
"John," said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who washome on a vacation, "hev ye noticed Si Mullet's oldest gal lately?Strikes me she's gettin' ter be a right likely critter, hey?"
"She's as beautiful as Hebe," agreed John enthusiastically.
"Aw, shucks!" grunted Farmer F. "She's a blame sight purtier 'n hebe. Why, he ain't no beauty. She gits it f'm her mother's folks."
_Frivolity of Outward Show_
Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the homeof her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbingtopic of conversation in the family.
"I feel sure this hat's not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane,"said the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching toher young husband as she did in her going-away costume.
"What does it matter, child! Look at me!" replied Aunt Jane, in acomforting tone. "I put on anything! Don't I look all right?"
_Just as Well_
A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told himhe would only get relief by having it out.
"Then I must hae gas," said the Scotsman.
While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count hismoney.
The dentist said, somewhat testily, "You need not pay until the toothis out."
"I ken that," said the Scotsman, "but as ye're aboot to mak' meunconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan'."
_The Same, Only a Little Different_
They were newly married, according to "The New York Sun," and on ahoneymoon trip. They put up at a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroomfelt indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a littleshopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to herroom, a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike.But she was sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.
"I'm back, honey; let me in," she whispered.
No answer.
"Honey, honey, let me in!" she called again, rapping louder. Stillno answer.
"Honey, honey, it's Mabel. Let me in."
There was silence for several seconds; then a man's voice, cold andfull of dignity, came from the other side of the door:
"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom."
_For Him to Decide_
"Well, well," said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deepin the bathtub, "what did I get in here for?"
_A Large Corporation_
An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw aglaring sign on the front of a high building which read, "The SmithManufacturing Company."
As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: "Lawsymercy! Well, I've hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knewbefore where they made 'em."
_Accommodating Man_
One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window andexplaining the scenery, says the Denver "News," one of the passengerswhispered to the conductor: "Conductor, can you tell me how thatbrakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. Itseems a pity he should be crippled."
"That's just it, ma'am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging thathe just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line."
_The Early Bird_
The card "Boy Wanted" had been swinging from the window of apublishing house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tadclimbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm.
"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out thishere 'Boy Wanted' sign?"
"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?"
Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man'sstupidity.
"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!"
And he was.
_No Wonder He Asked "Why?"_
Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow wastroubled.
"I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?" heasked.
"Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens asif----"
"It was young and speechless at the time."
"Yes"--with increasing wonder--"and it has never been out of thisparlor."
"There are no other young ladies in this house?"
"No; there are not."
"Then why--why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album,while waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice andsay: 'Don't do that, Herbert, please don't!'"
_The Safest Place_
A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for "a daywith the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to thegreat disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generallyregulated by the
size of the bag.
"Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seemexceptionally strong on the wing this year."
"Not all of 'em, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same birdabout a dozen times. 'E's a-follerin' you about, sir."
"Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?"
"Well, sir," came the reply. "I dunno, I'm sure, unless 'e's 'angin''round you for safety."
_An Inspiring Model_
Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens,which laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the nextmorning to the fowl-run, Johnnie's father was surprised to find anostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with thewords:
"Keep your eye on this and do your best."
_When the Honeymoon Began_