Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  With a seductive smile, she tucked her hair behind her ears and leaned back over me, kissing me sweetly. “To take my pill before I forget.”

  I sat up as she stood again and I grabbed her hand, pulling her across my lap and kissing at the hollow below her ear. “Well, what if we didn't worry about it,” I whispered huskily, nipping her earlobe gently and moving my hand up her inner thigh.

  She pressed her hands to my chest, pushing me back slightly, and laughed. “Funny.”

  With an arched eyebrow, I attempted to read her expression. “Why is that funny? We've talked about this for a while now.”

  The look in Cassie's eyes was no longer one of lust as she sighed and rolled her eyes. I could sense her frustration as she stood from my lap and snatched her shirt off the floor. The mood had shifted drastically. Sex was no longer on the table. “No, you talked about this. I kept telling you it wasn't going to happen.”

  “Cass—”

  She shook her head and pulled her shirt over her head, reaching behind her neck to remove her long hair from the collar. “No. I'm not going to chance another pregnancy. I'm not ready, and you, of all people, should know not to press this issue.”

  I stood from the bed and gripped her waist firmly as I placed a kiss to her nose. “We always said we wanted more than one,” I reminded her. “You loved being pregnant.”

  She placed her hands on my jaw and smiled. “I did. It was wonderful, and one of the best experiences of my life. But the year after?”

  The memory of that dark time stung to the very center of my being. Cassie had fallen into a deep depression. Her anti-depressants did little to nothing to help bring her out of it, and she was in such a state of denial about the whole thing, that there was nothing I could do to help. She refused it all, pulling away from everyone around her until she hit rock bottom.

  We were finally able to get it under control with a new anti-anxiety prescription in combination with her regular meds. The combination made her a little foggy, but it was better than the alternative. Without them, her moods were the worst I’d ever seen. It was one extreme to the other, and I feared what she might do to herself during one of her low points.

  “There's a chance that you wouldn't experience that again,” I breathed, trying to forget.

  She shook her head. “And also a chance I could. Jack, you were there, you saw just how bad it was. I missed most of the first six months of her life.”

  I smiled reassuringly and spoke softly, “I remember, but now that we know what to look for, we'd be better prepared to handle it.”

  Her face fell. “I'd be medicated again,” she whispered sadly.

  “Again?” Placing my fingers beneath her chin, I forced her eyes to mine. “Cassidy, have you gone off your meds completely?” She didn't have to answer; her eyes spoke volumes. “Love, was Sienna okay with that? You know the risks.”

  Cassie pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “It's been a year since I started them. You know what they did to me…how they made me feel. So, I stopped taking them slowly. And I've been doing really well these last two months.” She paused for a moment before looking at me with conviction. “Even you couldn't tell the difference,” she tried to explain.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. “So, you're telling me you came off your meds, and your doctor has no idea?”

  “I am,” she replied confidently. “I'm also telling you, I'm not interested in having any more children. At least…not for a while.” She turned from me then and closed herself in the bathroom, ending the discussion.

  When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see Cassie leaning on the piano in front of me with the biggest smile on her face.

  “You're playing,” she said happily. “Geez, it's been what? Two years?”

  Instantly, I lifted my fingers from the keys and brought the fallboard back down. “Two and a half. Not since the night—”

  Her smile faded, eyes filling with sadness as they dropped to where her fingers danced along the smooth black finish. “Yeah,” she interrupted with a soft nod. “I remember.”

  A wry laugh escaped my lips as I picked up my glass and stood from the piano. “Wine?” I asked, holding the glass out to her.

  “Jack, you know I can't drink.” It shocked me that I had forgotten that.

  I shook my head. “Oh, right. I'm sorry.” I finished the rest of my drink and rinsed my glass before placing it in the sink. When I turned around, I found Cassie sitting on the counter behind me.

  “How was your day?” I asked her.

  “The same as always,” she said with a shrug. “Charlie's asleep?”

  “Where else would she be?” I really tried not to sound annoyed.

  “Sorry,” she quickly apologized upon hearing the inflection in my voice. “How was she today?”

  “She was fine. Mom took her to the zoo,” I explained, my irritation growing since she could have known all of this had she been home for dinner.

  Cassie smiled. “How fun.” I couldn't help but scoff and shake my head, which only caused Cassie to cock her head to the side. “What?” she inquired.

  I clenched my teeth together tightly to keep myself from saying something I knew I would regret. “Nothing.”

  Hopping down from the counter, she approached me. “No, that's not a 'nothing' face. What is it?”

  The words spewed forth before I could stop them. “You could have known all of this had you shown up. This shit's been going on almost three years, Cassie. You'd think a person would want to spend time with their family. Especially when that person's marriage is ready to fall apart any day.”

  “Is that really how you view all of this?” she asked incredulously.

  Frustrated, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You're something else, you know that?” I raised my eyes to hers. “How else should I view this?”

  “I think you should start to see things for what they really are,” she said cryptically, an edge of anger lacing her tone.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean? What exactly am I not seeing?” My eyes widened as a new thought entered my mind. “Is there someone else?” It was something I never once considered before, and I was terrified for her response.

  Raising her eyebrows and releasing a sigh, she looked at me. “Look, I don't want to fight tonight. I'm going to go and lay with Charlie for a bit. I'll come to bed soon, okay?” She took a small step forward, placing her hands on my chest and standing up onto her tiptoes to kiss me. Her lips brushed mine so softly I almost didn't feel them.

  I watched as Cassie left the room, and I heard her light footfalls overhead as she entered Charlie's room. Feeling the deep desire to calm my nerves, I snatched my glass from the sink and poured another glass of wine. The house was silent as I stood against the counter, drinking the smooth liquid, and I couldn't help the myriad of thoughts that ran through my mind. Was she having an affair? It certainly made sense, what with the late nights and all. But, could she really do that to her family? To Charlie? To me? It didn't take long before my glass was empty and my head was foggy, so I put it back into the sink, ready to retire for the night.

  Once I was sure I was calm enough to face her again, I took a breath and headed for the stairs. As I walked past Charlie's bedroom, I peeked in and saw Cassie lying on the outer edge of the bed, running her fingers through a sleeping Charlie's golden hair.

  Could she? I looked at the image before me—the smile on her face as she whispered something to our sleeping daughter—and shook my head in disbelief at my mistrust.

  “Cass?” I whispered into the dimly lit room, and she looked up at me sadly. “Are you coming to bed?”

  With a brief nod, she leaned forward and kissed Charlie's cheek before rising from the bed. “Mommy loves you, bug.”

  As Cassie led the way to our room, I felt the deep desire to believe that everything was going to get better from this point on. Of course, there was still something that hung thick in the air as it tried to suffocate u
s, and it refused to change. With both of us ready for bed, we climbed beneath our comforter, and I couldn't help but notice that Cassie still seemed as distant as ever when I pulled her into my arms.

  “I love you,” Cassie whispered, pressing her body impossibly closer to mine. “Forever.”

  I pressed my lips to the top of her hair. “I love you, too. I always will,” I assured her, and my words were one hundred percent true. I loved her so much that I would fight for her—for us—until I drew my last breath.

  That was a promise.

  Chapter 4 | The Beach House

  It was the end of the work day. As the remaining sunlight of the day streamed in through the window, I sat in my leather office chair staring at the computer monitor. The images that flashed before me served to remind me of the wonderful times we used to have together. Christmases, vacations, family dinners… So many beautiful memories.

  One particular picture caught my attention, and I sat forward in my chair to stare at it intently. It was a picture of Cassie and an almost three-year-old Charlie looking at shells on the beach.

  After our honeymoon in California, our families always took two weeks at the end of every summer to spend at my parents' beach house. As I stared at the picture, it didn't take long for the memories of that last summer vacation to come flooding back.

  “Tell Daddy what we found, Charlie,” Cassie said quietly as she padded across the sand with our daughter at her side. Her blonde locks and white sundress flowed behind her in the gentle ocean breeze, and as her eyes met mine, she offered me a smile. However, there was something behind her expression that had me worried. She looked tired—exhausted, even—and there seemed to be a hint of sadness behind her blue eyes.

  With an empathetic smile in Cassie's direction, I set the camera down on the beach towel next to me and shifted onto my knees to see what Charlie held so delicately in her tiny hands. “What did you and Mama find, bug?” I asked excitedly.

  “Sea shells!” she told me with a level of enthusiasm only a toddler could have.

  I pulled Charlie onto my lap as I sat back down on the ground. My concern for my wife returned when I looked over at her as she knelt down next to us, running her fingers through her hair and exhaling a heavy sigh.

  I reached over and rubbed her back soothingly. “You feeling all right, sweetheart?”

  With a small smile, she nodded. “Yeah. I'm just tired.”

  “You sure?” I asked, only to have her smile and place her hand on my cheek. I turned my head and placed my lips to the inside of her wrist before turning my eyes back to Charlie's treasures.

  The sun was beginning to set as we sat there together with Charlie showing me all the beautiful shells she and Cassie had collected. I glanced over at Cassie again and noticed that she seemed terribly withdrawn from the moment we were sharing as a family. As Charlie continued to leaf through the shells she had dropped into the skirt of her dress, I wrapped my arm around Cassie's waist and pulled her against me. She scooted over until she was sidled right against me, leaning her head on my shoulder with a sigh, and I kissed the top of her head.

  “All right, you three, dinner is on the table. Let's not keep everybody waiting,” my mother announced from behind us.

  Knowing the wrath we would face for keeping our fathers waiting, we hurried and collected our things before heading inside. I stayed a step behind Cassie and Charlie and couldn't help but notice how sluggish Cassie seemed, even just walking to the house. Once we were on the porch, I pulled her aside and placed my hand to her warm forehead.

  “Cassie, you don't look well. Are you sure you're okay?” I knew the concern was audible in my voice, but I couldn't help the worry that came over me whenever she acted out of sorts. Especially since she had admitted to coming off of her medication five months ago.

  “Yeah, I think I just got too much sun. I'll be fine.” She stepped up onto her tiptoes, softly pressing her lips to mine before taking me by the hand and leading me to the dining room.

  I took my seat next to my father's place at the head of the table while Cassie sat between me and her mother. Through my periphery, I watched as she draped her linen napkin across her lap before running her fingers through her hair again. I could see her jaw clench as she inhaled deeply, and I placed my hand upon her lap in silent reassurance.

  Her mother, Gayle, reached over and placed a hand to Cassie's now-glistening brow. “Sweetheart, you feel clammy, and you're as white as a ghost.”

  Cassie laughed it off as she removed her mother's hand from her head. “Mom, I've always been pale.” Her comment got a laugh out of everyone at the table as my mom made the rounds with the wine.

  Mom had just touched the neck of the bottle to the rim of Cassie's glass when Cassie threw her hand over it. “Oh, um…none for me, thank you.” Casting a nervous eye around the room before finally resting on me, she dropped her gaze and stammered, “I've had so much sun today that I don't want it to go straight to my head.”

  My eyes snapped wide open, and I stared at Cassie as she meekly raised her eyes to mine. Her bottom lip instantly found its way between her teeth as she watched me put the pieces together. She gave me a pleading look and head-shake that begged me not to say anything, so I didn't.

  Her cheeks flushed as our mothers eyed her skeptically. “I'll just go and grab a glass of water. The rest of you can start without me. I'll be right back,” Cassie said, sliding her chair back from the table and exiting the room.

  I sat in stunned silence for a while as our families conversed back and forth. The only thing that was going through my mind was what was going on with Cassie and what she could possibly be feeling. This wasn't something she wanted, and I had promised to stop pushing the idea after that night two months ago. Sure, I wanted more children, but marriage was about compromise, and sometimes one had to make sacrifices. Not having a large family was mine.

  Unable to focus on anything other than Cassie, I was on my feet in a flash, excusing myself to go off in search of her. I walked into the kitchen to see her leaning against the counter next to the sink, a glass of cold water clutched tightly in her right hand while her left death-gripped the edge of the tile countertop so hard her knuckles were white. Her eyes were focused on the floor, and I could hear her sobbing softly.

  “Cass?” I whispered.

  Upon hearing my voice, she jumped and quickly placed her glass on the counter. She used both hands to wipe the tears from her eyes as she met my gaze. “Oh, hey,” she said, forcing a smile.

  I crossed the room swiftly and pulled her into my embrace. She wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tightly. “So, you're sure? You're pregnant?” I asked her quietly.

  “I took the test this morning,” she mumbled into my shirt, fingers curling, gripping tighter.

  Even though I knew this wasn't what she wanted, I couldn't help the smile of pure joy that spread across my face. We were going to have another baby. Charlie was going to be a big sister. Every part of me was over the moon with happiness, but as I held Cassie, I could feel her fear and despair as it rolled off her body in waves.

  I pulled her away from me and held her at arm's length as I stared into her eyes. “You're not happy about this, are you?”

  Her shrug was one of defeat and her smile was weak and forced. “I'm happy that you're happy.” She sensed my unease with her answer and quickly added, “I just…I don't know… I need time to adjust, I think. It's not like this was exactly planned, you know?”

  I moved my hands up to cradle her face. “Cassie, everything is going to be fine,” I assured her.

  “I know you think that, Jack, but it doesn't absolve my fear. I don't want to be that person again. The woman who resented her child, who found fault in everything, who could barely pull herself out of bed most mornings.” A loud sob escaped her, and fresh tears spilled over her cheeks. “It wasn't fair to you or Charlie.” She looked down between us, placing her hands on her flat stomach. “It wouldn't be fair to this baby.”


  I enveloped her in my arms again. “I promise you, everything is going to be fine this time.”

  Her slender arms snaked up my back until her hands firmly gripped my shoulders, and she pressed her cheek to my upper body. “You shouldn't make promises you can't keep,” she whispered into my chest.

  That was the last summer we had spent there. Just before we left for California that year, Cassie had merged her company with the one in Denver; she was actually fortunate to get those two weeks off. Her business had picked up shortly after we had returned, and we didn't see much of her after that.

  There wasn't a single part of me that didn't want to recapture the magic of our summers away. I took one look at my calendar, and my impulses took control as I reached for my phone and rang Jill.

  She picked up instantly, almost as though she were sitting on the phone. “What can I do for you today, Dr. Martin?” she purred into the receiver.

  Rolling my eyes, I replied. “Jill, I need you to reschedule all of my appointments for the last two weeks of August. I'm going away.”

  Papers started rustling frantically. “Oh, um, that's the week after next?” she said, her voice rising at the end as though she were confused.

  “Yes, I know,” I told her monotonously.

  “Right, okay. Well, you don't have too much lined up, so I'll see what I can do,” she stumbled through her words.

  “Thank you.” I hung up the phone and began to gather my things so I could go and pick up Charlie. Suddenly, there was a gentle knock on my door. “Come in,” I called out, putting the last of my papers into my briefcase.

  I looked up when the door opened and my colleague, Dr. Sienna McKay, popped her head in. “Hey,” she said quietly as she crossed the room to my desk, walking around until she was next to me, and perched herself upon the edge.

  I offered her a smile. “What's up?”

  She arched an eyebrow. “I didn't mean to eavesdrop or anything, but did I hear correctly that you're going away for a couple of weeks?”