Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  I pulled away and turned from her, running my hands through my hair as I tried to absorb all that had been said between us. I walked to the mantle and placed my hands on it before slumping forward in defeat.

  “I'm so lost, Jack,” Cassie whispered. I could feel her presence right behind me, and it took everything in me not to turn around and embrace her…not to kiss away this whole messed up night. “I don't know where to go from here.” The pain in her voice broke my heart, and my chest tightened as I turned to face her. Her big brown eyes were red and swollen from crying, and she was sniffling against the residual sobs that refused to relent.

  “Go?” I asked incredulously. “Cassie, you're not going anywhere.” I cupped her face in my hands and looked into her fear-filled eyes.

  She brought her hands up to encircle my wrists. “Jack—” I quickly pressed my lips to hers to silence her. “You really want me to stay?” she mumbled against my mouth before pulling back slightly, her chilled hands circling my wrists.

  I shook my head, but not in disagreement. “No, I need you to stay. I can't ever be without you.” I rested my forehead against hers and inhaled deeply, my eyes closing as everything Cassie consumed me. “How can you be so ready to give up on this?”

  “Because everything that's happened is all my fault. I don't deserve your forgiveness.” When I opened my eyes, I saw the despair that was trying desperately to claw its way to the surface of her soul.

  I kissed the tip of her nose softly and offered her a comforting smile. “What happened two years ago…the miscarriage? That wasn't your fault. I never once blamed you. Everything happens for a reason. Everything.”

  Cassie sighed despondently. “It may not have been my fault in the literal sense, but afterward? The way I treated you? The way I—?”

  I quickly kissed her again. “Don't…” I pleaded against her lips, not wanting to hear the rest of her sentence. The truth would only make things worse. Deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle hearing the truth. “Just don't, please. You need to stop shouldering the blame.” I stilled my lips against hers and ended the kiss, moving my hands from her face and down her arms until I gripped her hands firmly in mine.

  “I just need you to understand,” she said, her eyes falling to our hands.

  Leaning my forehead against hers, I squeezed my hands gently. “Come on,” I said, tilting my head a fraction of an inch toward the stairs. “It's late. Let's go to bed.”

  Cassie sniffled lightly and nodded her head, her eyes still focused on the floor. We trudged up the stairs together, our bodies both physically drained from everything that we had unleashed tonight. As I headed for the bathroom, Cassie sat on the edge of the bed, fidgeting nervously until I emerged from the bathroom and knelt before her.

  “We can fix this,” I assured her quietly, tenderly coaxing her gaze to mine.

  A single tear trailed down her cheek, and I reached to brush it away, but she beat me to it. “I love you for your undying commitment, Jack. I just wish it wasn't so misplaced. I don't deserve it. If only you could see that.”

  I stood up, pulling Cassie to her feet with me, and pulled the blankets back. I ushered her beneath the thick comforter before climbing in behind her. I folded her into my embrace and inhaled the sweet scent of her hair as I intertwined our fingers. “Yes, you do. We do.” She turned to protest again, but I quickly interceded. “Shhh. Sleep,” I whispered against her lips.

  As I listened to Cassie's breathing deepen and even out, I thought back to everything we had talked about in the last few hours. It had been a long time since we had discussed any of the past in such detail, but it needed to be done. We needed to reopen old wounds to get to the source of the problem so that we could force our minds into acceptance. It still hurt to remember the emotional pain and suffering that we had been forced to endure at the hands of fate, but I just kept telling myself over and over again that it was needed. That from here on out, things would be different.

  My focus on the glowing red numbers of the alarm clock started to blur as the exhaustion took hold, and I couldn't fight it anymore.

  “Cassie! We're home!” I called as I walked through the door. I set Charlie down and helped her out of her shoes and jacket. “All right, bug. Let's go put on the cartoons for you while I go see what Mommy's been up to today.”

  Charlie and I made our way into the living room, and while she hopped up onto the couch, I turned on her favorite evening programs and headed off in search of Cassie.

  “Love? We're home!” I called again. There was no answer, and it unnerved me. The feeling of dread was all too present in the air around me as I slowly climbed the stairs. “Cassie?” When I heard the sound of glass shattering, I jumped into action, taking the steps two at a time. “Cassie!” I shouted as I ran toward our bedroom, only to find the bed wasn't made and the bathroom door was slightly ajar. That's when the feeling of abandonment seeped in…

  My eyes snapped open, and I knew instantly that I was alone. I felt the walls of blind panic start to close in all around me as I looked frantically toward the bathroom door. My breathing faltered and my heart skipped a beat when I saw that it was only open a sliver…just like in the dream. Feeling the bile churning in my stomach, I bolted from the bed and ran to the door. The force I used to open it caused it to crack the drywall upon impact.

  The room was empty as I rushed for the toilet and threw up. My esophagus burned as I continued to heave into the porcelain bowl. I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead as my body shook and shuddered with the final remnants of the dream I just had.

  “Jack?” I snapped my head in the direction of the wide-open door to find Cassie standing there, concern marking her angelic face. “Are you all right?” she asked timidly as she stepped closer to me.

  I reached out and took her by the hand, pulling her to me as I crawled on my knees to meet her halfway. She looked down at me and pushed the hair from my forehead as she tried to search my eyes for an explanation. The only thing I wanted to do in that moment was hold her, so I wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed my cheek against her stomach as I gripped her almost too tightly.

  “Jack, what's going on?” she asked, her voice full of bewilderment.

  I clenched my eyes shut, only to relive the final moments of the dream before I shook my head violently against her. “I just had a horrible dream where you were gone. And when I woke up, you were nowhere to be found. I panicked.”

  My body instantly relaxed as Cassie's hands tenderly caressed my cheeks until she found my chin. With very little force, she was able to gently persuade me to look at her. “I'm here, Jack. I'll always be here.”

  I had just opened my mouth to speak when my phone vibrated on the nightstand. I looked over at it for a moment but quickly decided against it as I stood up and walked to the bathroom sink. Cassie walked over to the bedside table and picked it up.

  “Just answer it,” she instructed, holding it out to me. “It's Billy.”

  I had just pushed the toothbrush into my mouth as I spoke. “You answer it,” I mumbled around the plastic.

  She continued to hold it out. “He's not calling for me.”

  With a playful glare, I took the phone from her and spit in the sink before putting the receiver up to my ear. “Hey, Billy.”

  “What the hell, man?” he bellowed into the phone.

  I rinsed off my toothbrush thoroughly before placing it back into the holder. “What?”

  “Um…what time is it, asshole?” he asked in a very stern tone.

  I exited the bright bathroom and looked at the clock by the bed. “It's eleven-thirty,” I responded flippantly.

  “Uh huh…” he said, dragging out the last syllable longer than should have been acceptable for a man his size. “We were supposed to meet at eleven for lunch.”

  Throwing my head back, I smacked my forehead with the heel of my palm and groaned. “Oh right. I am so sorry. I must have forgotten. Can we take a rain check?”


  Cassie rushed over to me and shook her head vehemently. “No, don't stay for me. Go…have fun with Billy. I'll be here when you get back.”

  “You're sure?” I inquired quietly. Cassie nodded her head happily and stood on her toes to kiss me softly before retreating downstairs.

  I shook my head and tried to time how long it would take me to get ready. “Um, okay, I'll be there in…a half hour?”

  Billy huffed exaggeratedly into the phone. “Fine. But I'm starting without you. I'm fucking starving, man.”

  With a chuckle, I said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is new? I'll be there as soon as I can.” I hung up the phone and scrambled about the room getting ready so I wouldn't be any later than I already was. Once I was dressed, I ran my fingers through my messy hair in an effort to tame the unruly locks and headed downstairs to find Cassie curled up on the couch reading.

  “You look nice,” she said, setting her book in her lap. “Where are you guys eating?”

  “Um, the diner downtown. Did you want me to bring you anything?” I asked as I frantically searched for my keys, finally locating them on the island in the kitchen.

  Cassie arched an eyebrow at me and smirked. “No thanks. I'm sure I'll be okay.”

  Keys in hand, I walked to her side and leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on her awaiting lips. “I won't be long,” I promised.

  She shook her head and laughed at me. “Don't be silly. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.” With a final goodbye kiss to her forehead, I turned from her and headed for the door.

  Since I was already extremely late, and I didn't want to have to force Billy to watch me eat—okay, so realistically I didn't want him to pick off my plate even though he'd probably have already eaten a few appetizers and a full meal by the time I arrived—I drove faster than was entirely necessary. I pulled into the parking lot at twelve-oh-four and quickly made my way into the restaurant to see Billy sitting at the far table, several French fries in his fist as he chewed the previous mouthful.

  His eyes widened as I approached the table. “Well, it's about fucking time!” he exclaimed, his speech muffled by the copious amounts of food. He looked past me, confused. “Where's Charlie?”

  I arched an eyebrow as I eyed him questioningly and shook my head. “Nice. So you didn't even know if Charlie would be here, and you chose to greet me in that way? Miles to go, buddy. Miles.” I sat at the table with him and picked up my menu before addressing his question. “She's with my parents for the weekend.”

  Billy's eyes widened in excitement, and I couldn't help but compare the look on his face to that of a four-year-old on Christmas morning. “Sweet! So you got an all-adult weekend? Nice!” he exclaimed, throwing his hand in the air, waiting for me to slap it.

  “What are we, twelve?” He raised his eyebrows, and when he didn't put his hand down, instead tilting his head toward his upraised hand in an effort to encourage me, I shook my head and complied. “You are such a child. No wonder Charlie likes you so much; you fit right in with her age group,” I teased.

  “Hi, there,” a female voice cooed beside me, and I turned in her direction. “Can I get you something to drink?” The tone in her voice was soft, and her eyes seemed to be focused intently on me as she licked her lips invitingly.

  “Yeah, can I get a coffee, please?” I asked before turning back to my menu.

  She giggled lightly. “For sure. I'll be right back.”

  I rolled my eyes as she walked away, and Billy began panting like a dog. “Damn, she was fine.”

  “Dude,” I chastised, my eyes darting up to meet his. I was completely shocked that he was checking out another woman.

  Billy scoffed. “Please, like you didn't notice.”

  “I most certainly did not. And you shouldn't be, either. You're engaged…to Sarah.” He looked at me with raised eyebrows. “How do you think she'd react to hearing what you just said?”

  Billy rolled his eyes at my reaction. “You're kind of a prude, huh? In fact, I don't know that I want to have lunch with you anymore,” he joked, shoving another handful of fries into his mouth.

  The server returned with my coffee. “Are you ready to order, sir?” she purred.

  I sighed exasperatedly before closing my menu and answering. “Yeah, I'll get the club sandwich on whole wheat. No tomato, please.” I handed her my menu and she took it, purposely brushing my fingers with her own.

  She bent her knee, popping her hip out to the side, and tilted her head as she tried to gain my attention. When it failed to work, she bit her thin bottom lip—a possible method of flirting in her world—and batted her eyes as she spoke. “I'll bring it right up.” I suddenly felt dirty from the double entendre I knew her words were intended to hold. She walked away, and I kept my eyes on the table since I knew she was expecting me to watch her sway her hips suggestively.

  Billy reached across the table and punched my shoulder. “She was totally hitting on you, man.”

  I picked up my coffee and took another drink. “Thanks, Captain Obvious. I hadn't noticed.”

  Billy narrowed his eyes at me, grabbing a surprisingly small amount of fries from his plate. “So, what are the plans for tonight? Inviting me and Alex over for guy-time?” I cocked an eyebrow and stared at him blankly for a moment. “What? What else are you gonna do?”

  “I have plenty to do,” I said adamantly. The truth was, Cassie and I still had a lot to work through if I was going to get her to agree to our summer vacation in California in the next couple of weeks.

  Billy scrunched up his face in disparagement. “Come on,” he whined, further reminding me why he was Charlie's favorite uncle. “We never just hang out anymore.”

  “Bullshit,” I countered. “Just last Friday we went to the pub after work.”

  Billy rolled his eyes and spoke facetiously. “Ooooooh, B.F.D. You know what I mean.”

  His comment forced me to think back to the last time we truly hung out. He was right; it had been quite some time, and that made me feel bad. “You're right,” I told him. “Tell you what. Give me the weekend. There's some shit I need to work through at home, and then we'll set something up, all right?”

  Billy's eyes showed his momentary displeasure before they lit up and he smiled wide. “Deal. You better hold your end of the deal, asshole,” he ordered, pointing his finger at me in warning. “I can still take you.”

  I laughed heartily and reached across the table to grab a few of his fries. Billy's eyes dropped to my hand, and he stared in complete disbelief at my actions. “What the fuck do you think you're doing?” he demanded.

  “I'm eating some of your fries. I'm starving.”

  Billy shook his head, pulling his plate toward him like a territorial animal, ready to fight for his food. “Nuh uh. That's your own fault,” he growled. “You were late; you eat when that fine waitress brings you back your food.”

  Her ears must have been burning, because she headed over to our table in an instant. “How's everything going here?” she inquired softly, placing her hand on the back of my chair. It made me uncomfortable. “Can I get you more coffee?”

  I looked at her briefly and smiled so as not to appear rude. I'd hate to have her spit in my food…especially since Billy was so unwilling to share. “That would be great, thanks.”

  She disappeared quickly and Billy watched after her, obviously ogling her ass. I reached across the table and grabbed a few fries to toss at him. “Would you fucking stop that,” I whispered harshly.

  “Whoa,” he started, shaking his head. “It was one thing when you stole my food…now you're just wasting it.”

  Our server came back over with the coffee pot, and much to my pleasure, my meal. I grabbed my napkin off the table and unfolded it, placing it across my lap, before I thanked her. Picking up the first half of the sandwich, I licked my lips before digging in gluttonously. I was completely famished.

  The rest of lunch was filled with talk of Billy's upcoming wedding. “Sarah wanted to know if Charlie wou
ld like to be the flower girl?” I smiled at the image of Charlie all dolled up and walking down the aisle, scattering rose petals delicately before Sarah’s grand entrance—because let's face it, anything Sarah chose to do was always considered “grand.”

  “Well, I can't speak on behalf of her, but I can only deduce that she would be your most willing participant,” I told him with a light laugh as I finished my lunch. Reaching onto my lap for my napkin, I wiped my mouth before crumpling it and tossing it onto my plate. “So, what are you doing tonight?” I asked as I reached into my wallet for some cash.

  Billy frowned at me again. “You mean besides not having guys’ night? I guess I'll allow Sarah to rope me into more wedding planning. I think tonight is cake tasting, so I guess that's pretty fucking awesome.”

  “How was everything today, gentlemen?” our server asked, appearing from nowhere. Truthfully, she was starting to worry me a little.

  “Everything was great. Thank you,” I replied, offering her a kind, but not flirtatious, smile.

  Her cheeks flushed a deep crimson as she reached into the pouch of her apron, pulling out the billfold and setting it on the table. She held the leather folder in place with the tips of her fingers and locked gazes with me for longer than necessary. “Well, please let me know if there's anything else I can do for you.” She slid the bill toward me and then sauntered off.

  Billy's eyes widened as he slowly turned his head to me, and then they dropped to the folder between us before rising up to meet my gaze once more. “No fuckin' way,” he muttered, reaching for the billfold. He snatched it before I had the chance, which was pathetic since it was right there in front of me. “Holy shit, dude! She gave you her number!”

  I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and grabbed a couple of bills before grabbing the receipt from him. Her name, Lauren, was scrawled along the bottom along with her phone number and the words “call me.” I stuffed the cash into the little leather pocket inside the folder before turning toward the exit.