Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  Billy watched me with suspicion as we walked across the parking lot toward our vehicles. “So,” he began, dragging out the word a little. “Everything okay, man? I mean…you seem a little, I don't know, off?”

  With a quiet laugh, I scoffed. “Yeah. I'm fine. I guess I'm just a little stressed. Things around the house have been a little more strained than usual.”

  Billy nudged me with his elbow. “Come on, Charlie's too cute to be the cause of your funk.”

  “What?” I asked, looking at him in confusion. “No, it's not Charlie. It's just…” I sighed, not really knowing if I should talk to him about what was troubling me. How could I even begin to explain that everything I thought I knew—everything I thought Cassie and I had—was so beyond broken that there might be no way to save it?

  “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. I only ask because I'm concerned,” he said, turning to me when we reached my car.

  I ran my hand over my weary face, expelling a huge gust of air from my lungs. “It's Cassie,” I whispered, unable to meet his stare.

  “Oh.” His voice was so quiet that I almost didn't hear him. I felt his hand on my shoulder. “I understand how hard things have been. We all do, you know?” I nodded, slowly looking over at him as we leaned on the driver's side of my car. “Everything will be okay, man. I know you'll figure things out, though. You have to.”

  I looked up at him, grateful that he seemed to be optimistic for me. The details of what was going on between Cassie and me were private, but you had to be blind not to notice it. She wasn't just absent from her home life, she frequently missed dinners and parties with friends and family, too. She wasn't just withdrawing from her life at home, but life in general.

  “Thanks,” I sighed sadly and met his empathetic stare. “Look, I should head home. I'll call you later, all right?”

  Billy backed away from my car, allowing me to hop in, and I exited the parking lot. The entire way home I felt guilty that I had said anything to Billy regarding my issues with Cassie. It was really nobody's business but ours, and I hoped Cassie wouldn't be too upset with me.

  “What's wrong?” Cassie asked as soon as I walked into the living room.

  I raised my eyes from the floor to find her still sitting on the couch, book in hand and a worried look on her face. “Nothing, I just…” I shook my head and swallowed my guilt. “No, it's nothing. Everything is fine.”

  “You're sure?” she asked softly, narrowing her eyes at me.

  I nodded and made my way over to her. Once I stood before her, I leaned forward and lifted her bent legs and slipped beneath them. “I missed you,” I told her, and she giggled softly. I bathed in the sound, and Cassie began running her slender fingers through my hair.

  “I missed you, too.”

  I moved my body closer to hers until she was practically on my lap and I laid my head on her shoulder. As I lay there, listening to her soft breaths, I closed my eyes and breathed her in until I fell asleep.

  For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt at peace. It felt as though we actually stood a chance.

  Chapter 8 | Crossing the Line

  When I awoke Monday morning and Cassie was still by my side, I was shocked. Usually she was gone before I even woke up. Maybe she was tired of everything. Maybe she really was going to make more of an effort.

  “Will you be home for dinner?” I asked quietly as I finished buttoning up my shirt.

  With a slight smile, Cassie stood from the bed, the leg of her plaid bottoms falling from around her knee until they hit her mid-calf where they belonged. She stood in front of me, helping me with my tie. “I can't tell you one way or the other. You know that.”

  And just like that, everything we had accomplished over the weekend turned to dust, and my heart shattered as I looked into her eyes. “Cass…”

  “I'm sorry, Jack. You know I can't commit to that. It's not that I don't want to be here, I swear to you. It's just not always possible.” She made one final adjustment to my tie and offered me a smile before cradling my face and stretching onto her toes to kiss me softly. “I'll try. I always do.”

  Every part of me ached. I wanted to believe her, but it felt all too familiar. Like the wonderful weekend we had just shared together was no more than a dream.

  Not wanting to argue and start the day off on the wrong foot, I pulled her into my arms and inhaled deeply. “All right,” I whispered into her hair. “Please try. Charlie would really enjoy some time with you.”

  Cassie worked her way free, and with a nod, she ushered me out of the bedroom so I wouldn't be late for work. “Have a good day,” she said happily from the front door.

  I faced her with a smile and replied, “I will.” I had just turned from her again before suddenly remembering something. “Don't forget about California in a couple weeks.” She had just begun to protest when I interrupted. “Just…see what your schedule is like, and we'll figure it out. We'll talk tonight. I love you.”

  With a quiet “I love you,” in return, she closed the door and I walked to the Audi and headed for work. Upon arriving at the office, I found Sienna and Jill having a cup of coffee at the front desk.

  “Jack!” Sienna called elatedly. “Have a good weekend? You must have, you look rested.”

  I chuckled. “Now, why is it when a woman tells a man he looked tired we don't think twice about the backhanded compliment? But if we were to say the exact same thing to a woman she'd have an epic temper tantrum?” I asked as I reached for the cup of coffee Jill had just poured for me, nodding my thanks as I waited for my answer.

  Laughter filled the air as Sienna successfully avoided the justification to one of the many double standards that plagued the sexes. Instead, she turned to Jill. “Please hold all my calls for the next half hour.”

  Jill nodded, flashing me a brief smile, before Sienna looped her arm through mine and led me to her office. Once inside, she led me to the chair adjacent her desk and perched herself on the edge before me.

  “So, how was your weekend?”

  This felt oddly like a therapy session—one I hadn't agreed to. I moved to stand up, but Sienna was quick to stop me. “Relax, Jack. I'm asking as your friend and colleague. Not as a therapist,” she said in an effort to comfort me.

  Eyeing her skeptically, I sipped my coffee. “My weekend was fine. Yours?”

  “Fine. Thank you for asking,” she responded with a smirk and an arched brow as she pushed herself off her desk and moved to sit behind it. “What did you do this weekend?”

  “Hung around the house mostly,” I replied. “Had lunch with Billy. Nothing too exciting.”

  “Well, I'm glad you had a lazy weekend. You deserve a little time off. You must be excited about your trip, huh?” she asked as she turned on her computer.

  With a despondent shrug, I met her eyes. “I guess. I mean, yeah, it'll be great to go back and have some time with the family. Cassie's parents will be there, and we don't see them as often as we should even though they only live a few hours away.”

  “Oh, that'll be nice. Charlie must be very excited.”

  I chuckled at the memory of her enthusiasm at dinner on Friday. “That she is.”

  Sienna fidgeted nervously; it was almost as though she wanted to ask me something but was afraid for my reaction. I leaned forward and rested my mug on her desk. “So, what's up?”

  With a dry laugh, Sienna shook her head. “It's nothing.”

  “Bullshit,” I countered. “Something's bothering you. Now what is it?” I watched as Sienna uncharacteristically fidgeted before meeting my gaze again.

  With a deep breath, Sienna seemed to steel her resolve. “It's unnerving how you seem to read people, you know.” I gave her a cocky grin and nodded for her to continue. “I'm concerned, Jack. You've been distant lately.”

  “I've been busy. Getting Charlie to my parents, picking her up and keeping her routine…I've been doing it all. It's very time consuming,” I explained. The pain I experienced just sayi
ng out loud how alone I felt in my life was all-consuming, and I felt as though I was drowning in that anguish.

  Sienna folded her hands on the desk in front of her in a very professional manner. “I know. And I don't mean to pressure you in any way, but just know I'm here if ever you need someone to talk to. I'd hate for you to feel as though you have to deal with everything by yourself.” The room was silent for a moment, and Sienna furrowed her brow in worry. “I just don't want to see you lose yourself. Not with everything that's coming up in the next few weeks. The beach vacation, Charlie's birthday.” Sienna took a deep, shaky breath, and I knew what her next words would be before she said them. “Cassie's birthday. I know that day has always been hard for you in the past few years. Ever since…”

  Inhaling sharply, I stood in one fluid movement and offered Sienna an appreciative smile before grabbing my mug. “Thanks for the concern, but everything is going to be fine.”

  “I hope so,” Sienna whispered solemnly as I exited her office and headed for my own.

  As I sat there before my first appointment, Sienna's concerned words kept replaying in my mind. The wound from the miscarriage was still open from when Cassie and I had argued on Friday night, and Sienna's words were acting like salt, aggravating it and making the burn unbearable.

  I didn't even realize that a tear had fallen down my cheek until my phone rang. Quickly wiping the wetness from my cheek, I snatched the receiver off the cradle. “Yes, Jill?”

  “Dr. Martin, Miss Chambers is here for her appointment,” Jill cooed in return.

  “Thank you, please send her in.” Standing from my chair, I refastened the buttons of my suit jacket and came out from behind my desk just as my next patient opened the door and entered.

  “Aah, Marly. How've you been?” I asked as I crossed the room and motioned for her to have a seat on the leather sofa across from my chair.

  “Better, actually. I felt our last session really helped me work through my insecurities,” she said happily. “Tom and I have been communicating one hundred and ten percent better.”

  I smiled and leaned back in my chair with her file in my lap. “I'm glad to hear it.”

  The next hour was spent talking about Marly's upbringing and why she felt so insecure in her relationship. As it turned out, the poor girl's parents' marriage imploded due to her father's indiscretions. It made sense why she didn't trust her fiancé to remain faithful when away on business trips.

  After our morning appointments, Sienna and I grabbed lunch down the street at a little cafe. I tried to keep the subject matter light and off of my personal life, so we talked about work and her upcoming plans with her sisters. Thankfully she hadn't seen her sisters in months, so her excitement over the upcoming festivities was enough to have her monopolize the entire hour.

  My afternoon was back-to-back appointments, which was great because the time seemed to pass by much more quickly; I was anxious to pick up Charlie. She'd stayed weekends with my parents, Cassie's parents, and even her aunts and uncles before, but no matter how often her weekends away occurred, I still missed her dearly.

  “Daddyyyy!” Charlie squealed as I walked into my parents' house. She leapt off the step in the entry very enthusiastically and directly into my arms.

  Closing my eyes and laughing, I pulled her tightly and kissed her cheek. “Hey, bug. How was your weekend?”

  “So much fun! We baked cookies…and Gramma teached me how to make play dough that can be eaten. And then, Gramma and Grampa took me out for ice cream last night! And I got to go over to Seth's place, and we played in the sandbox for the whole afternoon. Oh! And then, when Grampa was at work, Gramma took me to the mall and we got to hold the puppies at the pet shop!” she rambled on in one excited breath. I pulled her tight once more before setting her back on her feet.

  “She was an absolute joy,” my mother stated as she entered the room and knelt before her. “Okay, sweet girl, why don't you go find your grandfather in his office and say goodbye?”

  “Okay, Gramma!” Charlie squealed before hot-footing it up the stairs.

  “Thanks again for keeping her this weekend. She seems like she really enjoyed herself,” I said as I picked up Charlie's bag and jacket.

  Mom offered me an apprehensive smile and then glanced up the stairs to ensure we were alone. “Jack, I think she needs to see a counselor,” she told me point-blank. Her voice was smooth and sure, her tone never faltering, which led me to believe she wasn't just suggesting it.

  My eyebrows knit together as my anger slowly escalated. “Excuse me?”

  “I don't know. I just think that Charlie might benefit from sitting down with, maybe Sienna or someone else in your practice. I think she needs to talk to someone about what she's going through. It concer—”

  “She's fine,” I snapped. “I think I'd know if something was going on inside Charlie's head.”

  She narrowed her eyes in challenge, and this only served to fuel my rage. “Be realistic, Jack. She's gone through a lot in the last couple years, and it's not like she can just push her thoughts into your head. You may be a psychiatrist, but you're not a mind reader.”

  “You don't think I'd know if something were going on with my own daughter…in my own home?” I demanded.

  My mother shook her head quickly. “No, that's not it at all.” She put her hands up in surrender and conceded. “You know what, forget I said anything. I really don't want to argue about this right now. Your father and I were just concerned, that's all.”

  “Daddy? Are you and Gramma fightin' again?” Charlie asked from the foot of the stairs, her voice quiet and barely heard. One look at her tugged on my heart. Her eyes were watering and red-rimmed as she chewed on her lower lip—just like her mother.

  I brushed past my mom and knelt before Charlie, pulling her into my arms. “No, baby. Grandma was just telling me something, that's all.”

  Charlie dropped her gaze from mine, her curls falling in a delicate curtain around her face, and nodded softly. “Okay,” she whispered in a trembling voice.

  I scooped her up in my arms and headed for the door. Turning back to my mom, I looked at her apologetically and instantly regretted how I had spoken to her. “I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later?”

  My mother only nodded, pulling her arms tightly around herself. “All right. Get her home.”

  I felt like shit. Not only had I snapped at my own mother for merely being concerned—concern that, honestly, wasn't misplaced—but I managed to upset my reason for existing in the process. After strapping Charlie into her seat, I kissed her forehead, my brow furrowing slightly as she sniffled.

  We drove home in silence…again, and I couldn't stop my ever-expanding guilt from swallowing me whole. As soon as the car was parked, Charlie unbuckled herself and waited for me to open the child-locked back door so she could walk to the house. Watching her walk slowly to the house broke my already-shattered heart even more. When I first saw her, she was so happy and full of life, and in the span of five minutes I was able to burst that bubble.

  Maybe the problem wasn't Cassie at all. Maybe it was me.

  My self-revelation hit me like a ton of bricks, and my pace soon mirrored Charlie's. I watched from the entryway as Charlie headed straight to the couch after kicking her sneakers off and putting them away. She lay with her back to the room, completely unmoving until I called her for dinner.

  After pushing her food around for ten minutes and not taking a single bite, I sighed and set my fork down. “Bug, are you upset by my disagreement with Grandma?” I asked softly so as not to make her sullen attitude even worse. It didn't get worse, but it most definitely wasn't any better. Charlie shrugged and set her fork down, dropping her hands to her lap. “She just thought that maybe you needed to talk to someone.” I placed my finger under her chin and coaxed her wet eyes up, swallowing my pride for a moment. “Do you, baby?”

  She only shrugged again, and her refusal to actually talk worried me. I scooted off my chair and knelt on my k
nees beside her chair, turning it until she faced me. “Bug, you can talk to me,” I assured her.

  The right corner of her mouth turned up, but it was the furthest thing from a smile. She sighed heavily and looked out the dining room window before saying anything. “Does Mommy love me?”

  I gently turned her face to me. “What?” I asked incredulously. Had I really just heard her right? The reason I questioned it was because she spoke so softly.

  The tears that had been threatening to fall from her bright eyes finally did. “Baby, of course your mama loves you. Why would you even ask that?”

  “I dunno,” she said with another shrug. “I told Gramma that I miss Mommy.” She paused for a moment, her brow furrowing with a combination of sadness and confusion. “They said that Mommy was really sad for a long time, and that she was sick. Is she, Daddy? Is Mommy sick?”

  I bit back the rage I currently harbored toward my parents for sticking their fucking noses where they weren't welcome. Who the hell did they think they were?

  Once I was sure my seething fury wouldn't be audible and scare my poor, sweet baby, I brushed Charlie's tears away from her cheeks and tucked her curls behind her ears before cupping her cherubic cheeks in my hands. “That was a very, very long time ago,” I assured her softly. “Believe me when I tell you that Mommy loves you more than anyone could ever understand. Both of us do.”

  “So, she's not sick?” Charlie asked, still focusing on something she shouldn't have had to hear about for many years—if ever.

  “No, baby. Mommy's not sick anymore.” I watched as relief rolled over her, quickly washing the sadness from her eyes.

  I kissed her forehead and smiled. “There's my girl. I need you to understand, Charlie, that you can talk to me whenever you need to, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  With that behind us, we returned to our dinner. However, I was anything if hungry. As I sat there, stabbing the vegetables on my plate, all I could think about was my parents' betrayal. How could they justify telling Charlie about Cassie's past? That was for Cassie and me to do…not them.