Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  Charlie and I went about the rest of our evening routine before she reminded me after bath time that I promised to play the piano for her last week. As always, she looked up at me with her big blue eyes, pushing out that plump lower lip, and I was putty in her little hands. She pulled on her nightie and we went to sit on the bench together.

  I played her a lullaby I had composed just for her when she was just over a year old, and by the time it was finished, she was fast asleep with her head resting on my arm. Replacing the fallboard quietly, I carefully shifted and picked her up so as not to wake her. As I carried her toward the stairs, I saw Cassie standing in the foyer.

  A warm smile graced her face as she looked at our sleeping daughter draped in my arms. “Hey,” she whispered, stepping forward and kissing Charlie softly on the forehead.

  “I'm just going to run her up to bed. I'll be right back down, okay?” Cassie nodded, kissing me on the cheek as she passed by me and headed for the living room.

  After tucking Charlie into her bed, I flipped on her night-light and stuffed her little kitten-teddy under her arm before exiting her room silently. Once I had returned to the living room, I flopped down next to Cassie and rested my head on the back of the sofa.

  “What's wrong, baby?” Cassie asked soothingly as her fingers ran through my hair.

  “Charlie thinks you don't love her.” Once the words left my mouth, I looked over at Cassie and the pain in her eyes destroyed me. “I told her you did, of course. But that was when she told me that my parents told her that you were sick.”

  A violent tremor slithered its way through Cassie's frame and she squeaked, “I was.”

  “That's not the fucking point!” I cried, standing up and pacing the room. “It wasn't their place!”

  “Jack, calm down before you wake her up. She doesn’t need to hear you so upset.”

  “Calm down? How is it you're not as furious as I am?” I demanded, looking down into her pleading eyes. She simply sat there, staring up at me as though I had no right to be upset. I had every right.

  With a shrug, she sighed. “Because they're right. I was sick. Sure, maybe you didn't want Charlie to hear about it, but maybe she said something and your parents grew concerned.”

  “They want her to talk to someone,” I continued, really hoping that Cassie would at least take my side on that.

  She didn't, though. “Maybe she should.”

  “She can talk to us!”

  Cassie jumped to her feet and cradled my jaw in her tiny hands and began rubbing hypnotic circles on my temples with her thumbs. “Calm. Down,” she commanded softly. “It's just their opinion on what is best for Charlie. Charlie is growing up to be a fine and respectable young lady; I'm just sorry I've missed so much of it.”

  I had just gotten a hold of my emotions when the phone rang. Pulling free of Cassie's wonderful head massage, I leaned over the coffee table and scooped it up. “Hello?”

  “Hey, sweetheart,” my mom said sweetly into the phone, and in an instant I saw red again.

  Cassie, sensing my ire, rushed to pull me to the couch where she promptly sidled up to me and began running her fingers through my hair. Motions that usually calmed and soothed me did no such thing as I began to lay into my mother.

  “Where the hell do you get off telling Charlie about Cassie?” I demanded.

  “Jack!” Cassie hissed next to me, quickly pulling her arms back. I met her appalled expression with one that said I didn't care how that sounded. I needed my mother to understand that what she did was not okay.

  On the other end of the phone, I heard Mom sigh sadly. “Jack, it was never our intention to say anything about Cassie's condition—”

  “Past,” I said through gritted teeth, jumping to my feet again. “Past condition.”

  “Yes, I realize that. But some of the things Charlie was saying… Jack, she deserves to know what Cassie went through back then. It might help her understand why…” her words trailed off as she tried to justify her interference. “We're just worried, Jack.”

  “Mother, I assure you there is nothing to worry about.” I shook my head in aggravation. “Just, stay the hell out of it. I'll tell her when she's ready.”

  “Ja—” I hung up the phone before she had a chance to say anything else and tossed it across the room. It hit the mantle before exploding into a million tiny pieces that scattered along the floor.

  Narrowing her eyes at me, Cassie stood up and crossed her arms. “Well, I hope that made you feel better.”

  “Not really,” I seethed, kneeling on the floor to clean up the plastic shards. I definitely didn't feel better. Pissed off. Ashamed. Remorseful. Sure…but “better?” Not even close.

  Cassie's feet came into view as I picked up the last few pieces, and I sat back on my heels to look up at her. She looked cross with me, and she should have. I had never spoken to my mother like that before. It wasn't how I was raised.

  “You’re slipping, Jack. Fast. You need to fix this.”

  Frustrated with myself, I clenched my jaw and reached into my pocket for my cell phone. There was no way I could leave things like that with my mom. I dialed their number and my father picked up on the first ring.

  “I assume you've called to apologize?” he guessed. His tone was monotonous as he spoke, and he was obviously—and rightfully—displeased with my behavior. “You've really stepped in it this time, Jack.”

  I had to bite the inside of my cheek before I lost it with him, too. After all, it wasn't just my mother who had betrayed my parental rights and told Charlie about Cassie. He was just as guilty, and a large part of me wanted to remind him of that fact. Instead, I took a deep, cleansing breath and closed my eyes as I responded. “I know,” I told him calmly. “Can I speak to Mom, please? I'd like to apologize.”

  “Helen?” he called, covering the mouthpiece as they conversed for a minute.

  I heard the shuffle of the phone passing hands, followed by her faint breathing, but she didn't speak. It didn't surprise me. With a deep breath, I spoke. “I'm sorry, Mom. I shouldn't have yelled at you and blamed you.” I had to pause for a moment when my voice cracked. “I understand why you said what you did…I just wish you'd have talked to me about it first.”

  “You're right,” she agreed quietly. The tremble in her voice gave away just how deeply I had hurt her. I felt awful—for the second time that day I had hurt one of the most important women in my life. “We shouldn't have told her without talking to you first. I'm deeply sorry for overstepping our bounds. We were just worried.”

  I nodded as though she could see me. “I know, and I appreciate that you guys worry, but I assure you there's nothing to be worried about.”

  There was a heavy silence between us, and as I waited for her to say something, I looked up at Cassie and smiled weakly. Her hard expression only softened minutely. Clearly, she was still not entirely pleased with my outburst.

  “Jack?” Mom said quietly. “I know you tell me there's nothing to worry about…but you know that you can talk to us about anything, right?”

  I nodded silently for a minute before I realized she couldn't see me. “Of course I know that. Look, I should go. I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Goodnight. I love you.”

  “I love you too, sweetheart. I'll see you in the morning.”

  After ending the call, I placed my cell on the coffee table and turned back to Cassie. “I'm sorry for being an asshole.”

  The hard lines on her forehead softened completely and she uncrossed her arms. “I suppose I can forgive you. But promise me one thing?”

  “Anything, love.”

  Cassie moved across the floor fluidly and took my hands in hers before looking up into my eyes. “After seeing the way my past has disrupted the peace between you and your mother,” she paused, her eyebrows knitting together with worry as she bit her bottom lip and continued. “Swear to me that no matter what happens, you won't ever let me get in the way of your happiness. Especially when it comes to our family
.”

  Chapter 9 | Breaking Free

  “Swear to me that no matter what happens, you won't ever let me get in the way of your happiness. Especially when it comes to our family.”

  How could I promise that? Cassie was my life…my future…my happiness. How could I promise to not let her come in the way of herself? It was an insane thought—a thought that seemed to be coming full circle. Right back to Cassie. It made me dizzy, like I'd been riding around and around on a carousel that was moving entirely too fast. Even though it seemed a little crazy, I promised—but I had to in order to offer her some peace of mind that her past would no longer cause a rift between my parents and me, or be a problem for Charlie.

  For the first couple of days after my disagreement with my mom, facing my parents was awkward, to say the least. My mother would barely meet my gaze, her embraces fell flat, and she hardly spoke two words to me unless it concerned Charlie. She put up a good front for Charlie so as not to upset her, but the strain was still there.

  By Thursday, I was grateful that Jennifer and Alex had stopped by my parents' house, because I was able to ask them to take Charlie to the park for a bit so I could talk to Mom and Dad. Once we were all seated around the table, I apologized face-to-face, knowing that a phone call was clearly inadequate considering the severity of the situation.

  “It's just…I don't know. I kind of wanted to shelter Charlie from Cassie's illness a little longer. We just didn't want her to know until she was old enough to really understand,” I continued, finally bringing my eyes up to meet their stares.

  My mom reached across the table and held her hand over mine. “I know, and I'm sorry. But she woke up from her nap crying for Cassie.” She sniffled as a lone tear trailed down her cheek. “When I finally reached her, Jack, she lost it. She was kicking and screaming over and over that she wanted her mom. I've never seen her do that before.”

  I balked at my mother's recollection of the events that had prompted their talk with Charlie. “Why didn't you tell me this?”

  Her eyes fell briefly and the air in the room was heavy with her remorse. “You never gave me the chance,” she replied softly.

  While I knew her words to be true, it still upset me. “You could have called,” I said breathlessly as my chest began to tighten with anxiety at the mere thought of Charlie's episode.

  “She told me not to, and I figured it best not to upset her further. I intended to tell you Monday when you picked her up. But after you reacted the way you did—”

  “Because you opened with telling me my daughter needed therapy,” I interrupted in a harsh tone. Feeling my anger level elevate, I took a deep breath, reminding myself that wasn't why I was here. “I'm sorry. That's not the point. Please, go on.”

  After a brief pause to gather her composure, she continued in a shaky voice. “Thankfully your father was home. He came rushing in, and we were finally able to calm her long enough to talk to us.”

  “W…what did she say?” I croaked, completely horrified by what I was hearing.

  “Well,” my dad interjected when he saw my mother's inability to go on. “She said she didn't think that Cassie loved her, and that's why she's not home with her anymore.” I nodded in understanding as Charlie had told me the same thing when I got her home on Monday. Dad continued. “We told her that was absurd and that Cassie absolutely loved her.” As I absorbed my father's words, I sat there for…well, I wasn't sure how long, actually. All I knew was that my poor, sweet baby missed her mother so much that she broke down.

  Rubbing my hand down the length of my face in an attempt to erase the horrified expression I knew I wore, I nodded. “Okay. Well, the California trip will change everything. I think it will bring everyone back together and put Charlie's fears at ease.” I could hear the denial that laced my words, but I chose to ignore it. While I desperately wanted California to be the cure-all we needed as a family, I knew it wouldn't be that simple.

  It didn't escape my notice that my parents exchanged a glance, having their own silent conversation with their eyes. However, before I could say anything more, the front door opened and Charlie came barreling into the house.

  “I won!” she cheered, her voice echoing through the hall as her aunt and uncle followed her inside.

  “That's because you and your aunt are cheaters,” Alex said matter-of-factly.

  “Oh, Uncle Alex,” Charlie cooed sweetly. “Don't be such a sore loser!” Soon the house was filled with the sounds of her giggles, and as I rounded the corner, I found Charlie on the floor at the mercy of her uncle’s tickling.

  It was refreshing to see her happy again, as though nothing plagued her. After Alex ceased his attack, Charlie jumped to her feet, gasping for air between her residual giggles, and hopped into my arms.

  “Daddy, I raced Uncle Alex all the way from the park and I beat him!” she exclaimed excitedly.

  Touching my nose to hers and winking, I chuckled. “That's because he's not as fast as us,” I whispered. “Even back in high school, Uncle Alex couldn't outrun me.” Charlie giggled again and Alex feigned hurt, sticking out his bottom lip and everything.

  Alex arched his right brow, the right corner of his mouth curling up in a smirk as well. “You know I'm going to want a rematch, Charlie,” he told her.

  “You're on!” she screeched as she wriggled out of my grasp and flew across the empty space until he hoisted her up and hugged her tight.

  “Auntie Jennifer and I have to go, but when we go to the beach? You better believe you and I are gonna throw down,” he said with a wink.

  Charlie giggled. “Bring it.” Hearing those exact words fall from a four-year-old's mouth made everyone in the room burst out into a hysterical bout of laughter. “What's so funny?” she asked seriously.

  I shook my head softly, my laugh dying down. “Nothing, bug. Come on. Let your Uncle and Auntie go home. I'm sure you'll see them tomorrow.”

  Charlie slid out of Alex's arms to give Jennifer a tight hug, and we stood in the entry as they said their goodbyes and left. I looked down at Charlie as she leaned against my thigh, a bright smile still on her face, and she looked up at me in return.

  “I suppose we should head home, hey? Let your grandparents have a quiet evening to themselves?” I inquired. Charlie quickly agreed before kissing my parents and rushing out to the Audi while I said goodbye.

  I turned to them both, and my mother offered me the first genuine smile in days as she pulled me into her arms. “I am sorry,” I told her.

  “Me too,” she replied softly as she pulled away and kissed my cheek. “Go on, get her home. We'll see you in the morning.”

  I said goodbye to my father and then headed out to the car and checked Charlie's car seat straps before sliding behind the wheel and heading for home. Our evening was no different than any other: home, dinner, bath, and bed. Shortly after I tucked Charlie in, Cassie made it home, and we talked more about Charlie and the trip to California in the coming weeks.

  “I still don't know, Jack. I get that you think this will be good for Charlie, but I fail to see how my being around won't actually make things worse,” she argued as we lay on our bed staring up at the roof.

  It didn't surprise me that she was still trying to find a way out of the trip. I turned to her and propped myself up on my elbow. “Baby, my parents said she freaked the hell out because she wanted and needed you. How on Earth do you think being around you won't be positive for her?”

  Cassie pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and turned her head to face me. “Just trust me when I tell you that including me in your family vacation won't end well. For anyone.”

  “Cassie, we have to go. Please,” I begged, sidling up next to her and working my right arm under her body so I could wrap them both around her before snuggling my head into the crook of her neck. “Come on. Think about it. The sun? Sand? Water? Our families sitting around the table three times a day.”

  Cassie laughed and began to run her fingers through my hair. “I
thought you were trying to come up with reasons to convince me to go, not run far, far away,” she teased as we tilted our heads to lock eyes. “The sun burns. Washing sand out of places that God never intended for it to wind up isn't pleasant. The water is cold…plus: sharks. And, I don't know if you realize it, but our families are…well, I'd hate to use the term crazy, but…”

  I chuckled and placed a kiss to her bare shoulder before stroking the sliver of her lower abdomen that was showing. Back and forth, my hand moved across her skin, up over the swell of her hip and back down as my finger lightly traced the barely visible c-section scar above her pelvis. Her skin quivered at the ticklish sensation, and I laughed against the flesh of her shoulder before looking up at her through my lashes.

  “Baby…” I said softly, dragging out the word and trying to pull her into my eyes in hopes of dazzling her the way I used to be able to.

  “Jack,” Cassie warned, cocking her eyebrow at me and twisting the right corner of her mouth up.

  I stilled my hand on her hip and pushed my body up to kiss her softly on the lips. “You're right.”

  “I am?” she inquired, lifting her eyebrows in shock at my admission.

  With a sly smirk, I shrugged. “Sure,” I told her. “You do tend to resemble a freshly cooked lobster after five minutes in the sun.” She laughed and slapped my chest playfully as I continued. “Digging sand out of my shorts has proven to be a bitch in the past. And cold water doesn't tend to be too forgiving in certain departments.” Cassie's fingers found their way back into my hair. My eyes began to lull shut, and I yawned. “Oh,” I said through the yawn. “And our family? Totally nuts.” I looked up at her again. “But we need this.”

  “And I want to be there. I just don't get how you think it's going to help,” she repeated.

  The fear I had felt the last couple years came rushing forth again, coupled with something else…something I refused to even acknowledge. If I did, everything I'd built would come crashing down and smother me. “I'm afraid,” I confessed.