The C Word: Redefining Me (Book 3)

by MacQueen, Michelle

  —@ShutUpAndDrive: Right? And I love how Australia is as much of a character as any of the Clearys. The old TV miniseries was good—Richard Chamberlain was hot back in the day—but nothing touches the book.

  —@DontTouchMyBooks: The mini-series was shit! But Meggie was hot.

  “I have never seen you let chili cheese fries sit in front of you for longer than ten seconds.” Peyton pulled Addison away from her conversation with BookBoy.

  “Oh, sorry, I was distracted.” Addie popped a fry in her mouth. “So good.”

  “Seriously, where were you just now? And who is making you smile like that?” Peyton leaned forward, trying to peek at Addie’s phone.

  What would Peyton say if she knew Addison was having secret conversations with Maybe-Julian? “No one,” Addie said, flipping her phone over.

  “I know that alert, Addison Parker. I listened to a million alert sounds before I picked that one for No BS. Who’re you talking to on my app?” Peyton’s smile had Addison laughing with her.

  “He’s just a friend,” she admitted. “We talk about books. That’s it. We were discussing a favorite classic novel we both love. You know how it is when you meet someone who loves the same books.”

  Peyton slammed her pitcher of iced tea on the counter, almost dropping it.

  “You all right there, Pey?” Addie gave her a half-smile.

  “Sure, yeah. I’m good. I, uh, I just miss talking books with you, Addie. I’m reading Outlander right now, and I always think about how much you would love it.”

  “I love me some Jamie Fraser. What book are you on?”

  “The Fiery Cross. It’s a little slow, but I still love it.”

  “The next one is amazing. I finished the series over the summer.”

  “That’s right, you’re like a ninja fast reader. Julian’s like that too, it makes me crazy when he passes me up.” Peyton paused to refill Addison’s tea glass. “So, when are you going to meet your mystery book friend?”

  Addison almost choked on a sip of tea. “Um, I’m not sure. I don’t think he’ll want to meet me.” It was the truth. If Julian found out he’d been sharing secrets with Addison, he’d never look her in the eye again.

  “Well, if you’re good enough friends, you’ll figure it out, and then think about how much better it would be to actually talk to this person? Oh! We could totally start a book club.”

  “Good lord, Peyton.” Addie laughed at how quickly Peyton jumped from one subject to the next. “I’ve missed you so freaking much.”

  14

  Julian

  —@ShutUpAndDrive: I wish someone saw me the way you see this character. It’s beautiful.

  Julian sat on the edge of his bed staring down at his phone and wanting to tell LitGirl everything. His book wasn’t just some made-up story about two inconsequential characters. He’d written it for the girl he’d always wanted and knew he’d never have.

  Adele was Addison. Julian poured everything he felt into making her a great character, one who thought better of herself than Addison did.

  What had Peyton said? I thought you’d be in love with Addison for the rest of your life.

  He’d told her he wouldn’t. She saw his conversations with LitGirl as him moving on, but she didn’t know he spent every free moment working on a book proving just how not over the sad cheerleader he was.

  Peyton knew about the book now, of course. But she didn’t see his inspiration for the story. How could she? No one wrote seventy thousand words about a high school crush, especially a one-sided one with such a tragic history it made a future nearly impossible.

  The question Julian hated himself for continued to haunt him. If Cooper hadn’t been there that night, if he hadn’t assaulted Addison, if he hadn’t died, would she have gotten over him enough to see Julian?

  Could they have ever worked?

  Probably not. People like her—golden people with perfect looks, perfect lives—didn’t fall for loners who weren’t welcome in their small town because of the memories a single look evoked.

  Yeah, he was screwed.

  I wish someone saw me the way you see this character.

  No, LitGirl. You really don’t. Feelings like the ones in that book only caused pain. Addison wouldn’t want to know he’d written about her. She wouldn’t want to see his kind words.

  A muffled cry drifted through the wall separating his room from Peyton’s, and he dropped his phone as he jumped to his feet. The sound sent a wave of panic over him as it was so familiar. The night he’d found Cooper with Addison, he’d heard her try to scream.

  Throwing open his door, Julian ran into the hall. Peyton’s door was cracked open, and he pushed it open slowly.

  Peyton and Addison both slept in Pey’s queen bed, but only one slept peacefully. Nothing short of a hurricane could wake Julian’s sister. When they were kids, the twins had to launch themselves onto her bed to wake her each Christmas. Every year, it ended in her yelling turning into a fit of giggles.

  But there’d be no giggles tonight. The moonlight filtering through the window illuminated Addison’s pale face as her head thrashed from side to side.

  Her lips parted as if she wanted to scream, and she lifted an arm into the air, punching at some imaginary force.

  “No,” she cried. “Cooper.”

  His brother’s name jolted Julian into action. He crossed the room in two long strides and crouched down on Addison’s side of the bed. “Addie,” he whispered.

  “No.” A tear slipped down her cheek.

  Julian wiped it away with his thumb, feeling her smooth skin beneath his fingers. At his touch, Addie’s eyes snapped open, fixing on him in the dark. Silver reflected in her irises as they dilated and her nostrils flared.

  “Coop.” Her eyes slammed shut. “No. This is a dream.”

  Julian could have kicked himself. In the dark, she couldn’t tell the difference. He pulled his hand away from her, careful not to touch her again. “Addie, you’re okay. It’s Julian. Cooper is gone.”

  “Gone.” She said the word on a breath. “He’s gone.” Her eyes slid open once more. “Julian.”

  He smiled. “Hey.”

  Her lips twitched, but she didn’t return his smile. Instead, she kicked the blankets off her legs and sat up. Julian moved so she could get out of bed.

  “I need…” She paused at the door. With a shake of her head, she stepped into the hall, not finishing her statement. Julian followed her through the silent house to the kitchen where they had their last serious conversation.

  Before the kiss they never spoke of.

  Addison opened the fridge, letting the light chase her shadows away. Julian didn’t want to flip on the overhead light for fear that as soon as he did, she’d realize she wanted to be anywhere but with him. Instead, he watched her as she hung her head. Her shoulders shook, but when she pulled back, bottle of water in hand, there were no tears on her face.

  Because Addison Parker thought she had to be tougher than the rest.

  It was a trait he’d given Adele, letting Jackson pull the vulnerabilities out of her tough persona. But Julian wasn’t Jackson, as much as he wished he could be. Addison went to the sink and switched on the over-the-counter lights. Their yellow glow allowed Julian to see her more without fully lighting the room.

  “What do you want from me, Julian?” Addison didn’t turn to face him.

  Julian ran a hand through his disheveled hair. “I… Nothing, Addie. I don’t want anything from you.”

  She whirled around, pinning him in place with hard eyes. “You watch me. All the time, you’re watching me. I can feel it. I don’t need your pity, Julian. You don’t have to feel guilty for what Cooper did to me. I relieve you of whatever duty you think you have. So, stop waiting for me to fall apart. I won’t.”

  Julian stepped forward, wishing he had the guts to tell her the truth. “I don’t feel guilty.”

  “No? Then you have some hero complex. The minute I dreamed of that night, you were
there wiping my tears. I don’t need you to save me. I’m perfectly fine saving myself.”

  “Addie, I know that. I know you’re capable and you don’t need me. God, Ads, you’re the strongest person I know.”

  She froze. “Don’t lie just to placate me. I don’t need false compliments.”

  Julian approached her like one would approach a wild animal—with loads of caution and also wonder. “I don’t just tell people what they want to hear. You know me, Addison. When do I ever speak without meaning what I say?”

  She studied him as he stopped in front of her.

  “Look at my eyes. I’m not him. Cooper was an asshole.”

  A tear slid from her eye. “He’s dead.”

  “And you think that means we can’t say how we really felt about him?”

  She shook her head. “No… I just… Julian.” Her eyes shifted between his one moment, and the next, she moved toward him, claiming his lips with hers.

  Julian only grunted in surprise before pulling her against him. Addison sighed into the kiss as she parted her lips, giving him full access to her.

  Julian tried not to overthink it. He tried to enjoy the moment, believing it wouldn’t last. His hands skimmed down Addison’s sides and under the edge of her tank top, finding smooth skin. She shivered against him.

  “Addison,” he whispered against her lips.

  It was as if hearing her name broke the spell. Her eyes widened in panic, and her balled hands pounded against his chest pushing him away. She breathed heavily.

  “My eyes, Addie.” Julian stepped toward her, but she moved back. “Focus on my eyes.” They weren’t Cooper’s, and he hoped that was enough.

  “It’s too dark.” Tears slid over her cheeks. “I can’t see them.” She wiped furiously at her face before swiping her bottle of water from the counter and rushing past him. “Please, Julian. Just leave me alone.”

  Long after she disappeared up the stairs, Julian sat in the kitchen thinking of how cruel life was that the one girl he wanted was the one he could never have.

  * * *

  Julian would never get used to Avery coming to all their band practices. It made sense because he was dating Nari and best friends with Becks, but his friendship with Julian was still tentative at best. He swept into Becks’s basement as if he owned the house. Nari and Nicky walked behind him talking excitedly.

  “What’s up?” Julian asked them.

  Wylder collapsed onto the couch beside Julian. “They’re just talking about their plans.” She raised her voice. “It’s so not fair that my brother and Nari are leaving me for Nashville this summer.” She turned to Julian. “Guess it’ll be just you and me left. Maybe we’ll replace those suckers and start a new band.”

  Perfect, Julian thought. He’d stay in Twin Rivers, a town he hated, and continue a life he didn’t want.

  Wylder nudged him. “Dude, I was just kidding. I know you won’t want to be in a high school band. I’ll make Nicky do it.”

  Nicky threw himself down on her other side, snuggling against her. “The gay kid and the rocker. We’d have a cool-ass band name.”

  Becks scowled at the two of them practically laying across each other. “Nicky, if you’re going to distract my sister, you can leave.”

  “Whoa.” Wylder held up her hands. “Bro, Nari and Avery are over there practically making out, yet me and Nicky are the ones bothering you? Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?”

  Julian watched Becks. It wasn’t like him to talk to anyone that way, let alone Nicky who he’d always seemed to treat with kid brother gloves.

  Even Avery stopped whatever he’d been doing with Nari and stepped toward Becks, ready to defend his brother.

  Becks stood, not looking at any of them, and walked up the stairs. Avery went to follow him, but Julian beat him to it. He might not be part of Becks’ group at school, but he liked to think they’d developed an odd kind of friendship that existed in this basement or on stage.

  When Julian reached the kitchen, he shivered as a blast of cold air reached him. The porch door stood open. Becks sat on the back steps, looking as though the late February air didn’t bother him.

  Julian stepped into the cold and dropped down beside Becks.

  Neither spoke for a long moment.

  “You want to talk about it?” Julian asked.

  “Not really.” Becks rested his arms on his knees, letting his hands dangle between them.

  “Yeah, me either.”

  Becks shook his head with a laugh. “I think I can guess what’s bothering you. Cheerleader. Blond. Terrible taste in friends.”

  “Funny, you read me so well, yet I have no idea why you snapped a few minutes ago.”

  “Julian, we don’t really do this. The talking stuff.”

  “Because you’re usually not biting people’s heads off, especially Nicky. That’s like kicking a puppy. No one likes a puppy kicker.”

  “I don’t know what’s going on with me, man. Have you ever thought one thing of yourself and then had it completely challenged?”

  “For a long time after the accident, I thought I was the brother everyone wished had died on that night.”

  Becks looked to Julian in surprise. “I don’t want to be a dick, Julian, but Cooper wasn’t a good guy. I didn’t even become friends with Avery until after the accident because Cooper wouldn’t let him be close to the rest of the guys.”

  That didn’t surprise Julian. Coop had been controlling when it came to his friends too.

  Becks continued. “But you… I’m glad I got to know you. This band has been the best part of high school. Hanging with you and Nari and even my sister helps everything make so much more sense.”

  “What doesn’t make sense to you?”

  Becks sighed. “Everything. I have all these feelings I can’t control.”

  “Feelings?”

  He nodded. “And it’s not like any of them matter, because I’m leaving in a few months. I can’t change who I am when it might not even mean anything.”

  “Who is it?” Julian met his gaze. “In my experience, someone who challenges everything you thought you knew is worth it.”

  “Sounds like you need to take your own advice. Does Addison know how you feel?”

  “If she doesn’t, I don’t know what else to do. We’ve had two kisses that… Let’s just say they confirmed everything I thought I felt, yet changed nothing for her.”

  Becks stood and patted Julian on the shoulder. “Don’t give up on her. Addison is struggling, but she’s a good person. And so are you. She may not see it yet, but I think she needs someone like Julian Callahan. Don’t let Cooper get in the way of that.”

  “I’m trying. God, I’m trying.”

  Becks gestured to the house. “Come on. We have some music to play.” He stopped with his hand on the sliding glass door. “And thanks. For talking.”

  Julian nodded. “Yeah, you too. Sometimes, I forget it’s nice to not be alone.”

  “You have friends, Julian. Get over it. You’re no longer the loner. Not when we’re around.”

  No longer a loner? Julian didn’t know if he’d go that far, but hearing Becks say he wasn’t alone meant everything.

  He only wished he could show Addison she didn’t have to be alone either.

  15

  Addison

  “Honey, I wish you would talk to me.” Addison’s mother crossed their immaculate kitchen with a breakfast of fruit and yogurt, setting it in front of Addie. No matter how many times she told her mother she hated yogurt, she just didn’t listen. Like with most things, Nancy Parker only wanted what she thought was best for her daughter. “If you’re this upset, why in the world did you give up the squad to Meghan Lewis? I still can’t wrap my mind around your decision to skip finals.”

  “Finals?” Addison frowned at her mother. “Oh right.” She raked a fork through her breakfast hunting for the fruit with the least amount of plain, nonfat, no-taste yogurt on it. “I am perfectly happy to let Me
ghan have the team.” She’d thought they’d hashed this out weeks ago, but clearly, her mother wasn’t listening. “My heart just isn’t in it anymore. And it’s not like I need cheering to get into a good college. I have decent grades and tons of extracurriculars.”

  “But sororities, darling, they will naturally gravitate toward pledges with a record like yours, but you can’t just throw it away. You took your team to state finals, but you let someone else reap the rewards. They won without you.” Nancy shook her head. “I’m just trying to understand, Addie.”

  “I have to get to school, Mom.” Addie grabbed her keys and her messenger bag.

  “We’re not done talking about this, Addison Parker.”

  Addie whirled around on her way to the back door. “While I’m at school today, I need you to do me a favor, Mom,” Addison said.

  “What do you need, honey?”

  “I need you to hear me. Like really listen to what I’m about to say. I don’t know what my future is going to look like—and I’m okay with that—but I do know it’s not going to involve a sorority, cheering, or any of the things you’ve planned for me. It’s just not me, Mom, and I need you to get on board with that.” Addison stepped out the back door before her mother could respond.

  Addison dreaded going to school. She couldn’t face Julian after that disaster of a kiss in his kitchen. Addie had to stop putting herself in his way. As much as she liked him, she was beginning to think she would never get past her issues with Cooper.

  In the light of day, she knew Julian was nothing like his brother. She no longer saw Cooper when she looked at Julian. But in the darkness of night, she couldn’t tell them apart, and he knew it. When he’d told her to focus on his eyes, he knew she was caught up in the memories of the worst night of her life, and Addison didn’t want to associate Julian with that night. He was too good for that. Too good for her.