The Funny Thing about Love: Feel Good Sweet Romance stories

by Laura Burton

  "Don't listen to Herb," the cashier said. "He's been telling the same Bigfoot story for twenty years."

  "Stop telling people it's a story, Margie! It's the God's honest truth. I seen the daddy Bigfoot more than once. And one time, I saw a couple of cubs. Know what that means?"

  Lainey shook her head.

  "There must be a mama Bigfoot around, too. Unless she died in childbirth, of course."

  Lance suppressed a grin. "Of course," he agreed.

  Margie sucked on her gum and rolled her eyes. "Don't let him frighten you, dear," she said to Lainey. "He's just seeing bears."

  "Bears?" Lainey's voice was small.

  "Ain't no bear that smells like that," Herb insisted. "Bigfoots have a distinct odor. Like human B.O., but one hundred times that."

  Margie laughed. "You're just smelling yourself." She finished ringing Lance up, gave him his total, and then resumed her argument with Herb. Lance scanned his credit card and waited for his receipt.

  Lainey cleared her throat. "So, about these bears? Are there very many of them?"

  Herb glanced at her. "There's a lot more bears than Bigfoots if that's what you're asking."

  Lance tried not to laugh. But then he noticed Lainey's face. All the color had drained from it. He remembered her saying Rats Invade Queens had given her nightmares and decided it was probably best to get her out of there. "Could we get our receipt, please?"

  Lainey cleared her throat again, trying once more with her question. "But there aren't bears here? I mean, in the campground?"

  Herb and Margie stared at her for a full second before bursting into laughter.

  Herb slapped his thigh. "Maybe we could install giant bug zappers to keep 'em out?"

  Margie laughed. "Let's just post a bunch of signs that say, 'No Bears Allowed.'"

  Herb's expression sobered. His voice serious, he said, "Bears can't read, Margie. But Bigfoots can."

  While Herb and Margie turned their attention back to each other, Lance steered Lainey out of the store. He waited until he was in the parking lot before howling with laughter. It took Lainey a few seconds to join in. They laughed until they were both clutching the front of the RV, gasping for air. Each time they'd get themselves under control, they'd look at each other and start all over again. Chonk barked from inside the RV, as if wanting in on the fun, which made them laugh harder. After several minutes of hysterics, they both climbed into the RV, brushing tears from their eyes.

  "But seriously," Lainey said, her voice hoarse. "What about the bears?"

  Chapter 8

  On the drive back to the campsite, bear-shaped shadows stalked in Lainey's peripheral vision. When she turned for a better look, the shadows morphed into RVs, dumpsters, and bicycles. It was so dark. Lainey hadn't realized just how dark it could get in the country.

  She glanced at Lance, who seemed to be having trouble seeing in the dark too, judging by how slowly he was driving. "I thought you were supposed to be able to see by the light of the moon in the country?" And where were all the stars? She'd imagined that there'd be millions of them.

  "I think it's cloudy," Lance said. "Maybe it's going to rain?"

  Sure enough, the first drops of rain started to fall as soon as they'd pulled back into their campsite.

  "You'd better walk Chonk before this turns into a downpour," Lance said. "I'll plug in the RV."

  Lainey's eyes darted out the window. Herb and Margie had implied that there were bears at the campground. Lots of bears.

  As if reading her mind, Lance said, "I can walk Chonk. I have to plug in the RV anyway."

  Lainey nodded gratefully and draped Chonk's leash around Lance's wrist. Then she handed him an umbrella. "Be careful."

  "Watch for bears," he said. "If you see one, honk to scare it away." There was a joking tone to his voice, but Lainey slid into the driver's seat anyway. She didn't want a bear to eat Chonk. Or Lance, for that matter. He was starting to grow on her.

  She scanned the woods for bears, ready to lay on the horn if she saw one.

  Lance and Chonk walked out of sight, toward the back of the RV. Lainey continued to scan the woods. The rain started to fall harder. She flipped on the windshield wipers so she could see better. What was taking them so long? Chonk sometimes took a while to use the bathroom. He could be a picky pooper. But he wasn't a fan of rain so that usually sped things along.

  Seriously, they were taking forever. What if they were being eaten by bears? Should she go and look for them? If they were being eaten by bears, it's not like she could do anything about it. Could she?

  She glanced around the RV for a weapon. Maybe there was a skillet in the kitchen? If she chucked a skillet at a bear, would it scare it away…or just make it angrier?

  Finally, Lance and Chonk crossed in front of the RV. She sighed with relief. They were alive. Then she noticed something that made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. Lance was holding the umbrella over her dog! Chonk was taking his sweet time because he was nice and dry. Lance, on the other hand, was soaked to the bone, his perfect hair now plastered against his head like a swim cap. He was a mess.

  And Lainey had never found anyone more attractive in her entire life.

  Lance and Chonk walked around the RV again. But Lainey's fear had dissolved as soon as she'd seen they were safe. Chonk shouldn’t be much longer now. When they came back, Lance would need a towel. Lainey stood to grab one from the bathroom. She'd have it ready and waiting for him. But then she saw movement out of the corner of her eye.

  It's probably just Lance.

  But it couldn't be Lance, because he and Chonk had just walked out of sight in the other direction.

  Heart hammering in her chest, Lainey turned for a better look, hoping it was just her imagination. But it wasn't. Something was definitely moving toward them through the woods. Something big. It was a bear. It had to be.

  Lainey was petrified. She needed to warn Lance, but she couldn’t move. She was frozen in place, eyes focused on the shadow moving in the woods.

  Lance and Chonk came back into view then. And they were heading straight for the bear.

  Lainey forced her limbs to move. She threw herself on the horn, hoping the deafening wail would scare the bear away. The sound startled Lance. He looked at the RV in horror, flung the umbrella into the air, scooped her obese dog into his arms, and sprinted for the door. Lainey flung it open so he could leap in.

  Lance thrust Chonk at Lainey and slammed the door closed. He scanned the woods. "Where is it?"

  Lainey pointed. At the sound of the horn, the bear had frozen, but now it was charging toward them at full speed. "It's coming!"

  Lance looked the direction she was pointing. "Where's that bouncing beam of light coming from?"

  Light? Lainey saw it now, too. A narrow beam of light was shining through the woods. What was that? It almost looked like…

  "A flashlight," Lance moaned.

  Why would a bear have a flashlight?

  Realization dawned on Lainey. The shadow didn't belong to a bear. It belonged to a person. Seconds later, a man barreled out of the woods and into their campsite.

  "Oh, no," Lainey groaned.

  It wasn't just a man.

  It was a police officer.

  Chapter 9

  "Again, we're very sorry, sir." Lance extended his arm to shake the officer's hand.

  The policeman ignored Lance's offering and glared at him one last time before stepping out of the RV. "Just remember, this isn't the city. Folks around here don’t take kindly to being woken by horns in the middle of the night."

  "Yes, sir," Lainey said, all wide-eyed innocence. "It won't happen again, I promise."

  The officer's face softened when he looked at Lainey. "See that it doesn't, miss."

  Typical. Lainey had probably woken every single person in the county—alive and dead—but her sins were forgiven. Lance was the only one who faced the officer's scorn. The officer had even threatened to arrest him for disturbing the pe
ace, despite the fact that Lance had only been walking a dog in the rain.

  Lance locked the door behind the officer. "I'm going to take a shower."

  Lainey clutched her arms to her chest as if hugging herself. "I really am sorry."

  As frustrated as he was, he couldn’t be angry with her. "I doubt you took more than ten years off my life. Just don't do it every day, or I won't survive the week with you."

  Her blue eyes filled with tears, glittering like the nearby lake. It gutted him like a fish.

  "It's okay, Lainey. I'm not upset with you. I'm just cold and wet and tired. I need to take a shower and go to bed."

  Unfortunately, his words had the opposite effect than intended. Her tears flowed freely now.

  He crossed the distance between them and pulled her into a hug. "It's okay. There's no reason to cry."

  Lainey buried her face in his shirt. She smelled wonderful, sweet, like pecan pie. He stroked her hair, gently combing his fingers through the silky strands. "What's wrong?"

  Her words were muffled against his chest. It took every ounce of willpower he had to back away from her. He smiled. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

  She sniffled. "I was thinking Chonk and I would share the bedroom…and you could take the couch?"

  Lance's forehead crinkled in confusion. "That's why you're crying?"

  Lainey nodded. "You've done so much for us already. And now I'm asking you to sleep on the couch."

  Annoyance flared within him, but he wasn't quite sure why. He didn't particularly want to sleep on the couch, but he had already planned to offer her the bed. So, it wasn't that. It was more that he simply didn't deserve her gratitude. He hadn't done anything for her. What was she talking about?

  He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Look at me," he commanded. She obliged, lifting her beautiful blue eyes to his. "I am not doing you any favors. You're here to do a job and I'm paying you for it. That's it. You don't owe me anything else."

  "Okay." She nodded and wiped the tears away. "Goodnight, then."

  "Goodnight."

  With a frustrated sigh, Lance shoved the curtain to the bathroom aside. All he wanted was a hot shower. Then he'd feel so much better.

  Only, that didn't happen. The shower stall seemed built for a child. Perhaps the original owner of Lainey's new winter hat could shower comfortably here, but it was impossible for a fully-grown man who stood over six feet tall. He couldn't move without banging his elbows on the walls. It was impossible to wash, so he just stood under the water. At least he could warm up.

  But then the water ran cold.

  Lance emerged from the bathroom to find that Lainey had fitted the couch with a sheet and had laid out a blanket and a pillow for him. Lance tucked himself in, wishing Lainey hadn't already gone to bed. He wanted to thank her for her kindness. Even the incident with the horn had been well-intentioned. She wanted to save him from a bear.

  Or maybe she just wanted to save her dog. She had been very clear about her dislike of him. Sure, they'd had a few laughs together, but she still blamed him for losing her job. It was his fault that she was worried about being able to make her rent.

  After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning, Lance heard the pitter-patter of little feet coming toward him. A wet tongue slimed the hand that was hanging off the side of the sofa.

  "Go away, Chonk," he grumbled. The dog tried to jump onto the couch and belly-flopped to the ground.

  "Pathetic," Lance murmured. He reached down to help the dog onto the couch. After Chonk had pushed and shoved Lance aside to make room for himself, Lance was in danger of falling to the floor. But then the dog started to snore softly, a melodic lullaby that caused Lance's eyelids to flutter closed. Before long, he was fast asleep.

  Chapter 10

  Lainey could usually sleep anywhere, but that night, she found it next to impossible to fall to sleep. There were strange sounds. A cacophony of bugs, frogs, and other things she couldn't begin to identify. An owl, perhaps? Tired of her tossing and turning, Chonk whined to be put on the floor. She assumed he wanted to return to his favorite rug. When she finally fell asleep, she dreamt of a flashlight-wielding Bigfoot in an Elvis t-shirt.

  So, when she woke up the next morning, she did not feel well-rested. She changed into fresh clothes, brushed her teeth, splashed some water on her face, and pulled her hair into a ponytail. After yesterday, she was terrified of what the day might bring.

  She tiptoed into the main section of the RV, careful not to wake Lance. But when she saw him, she had to pull out her phone for a photograph. He was sprawled out on his back, with Chonk sleeping belly-up between his legs. They were both sound asleep. Lainey couldn't decide which looked cuter, her chunky dog or Lance. But Lance was the clear winner for beauty. She looked at the photograph. It was a keeper.

  The photograph or the man? Lainey wasn't sure.

  Confused, she stepped outside to take a walk. She left the boys to sleep.

  The surroundings looked less scary by the light of the day. There were no bears lurking in the periphery. The sunlight filtered through the tree canopy, speckling the ground with leaf-shaped shadows. Lainey walked through the campground. It smelled like bacon. People were cooking breakfast on camp stoves, and some were even cooking directly over the fire. Several people waved at Lainey and said good morning. She loved it. The campground was like its own neighborhood.

  Lainey also enjoyed looking at the different camp setups. The gigantic campers didn't impress her, but she loved the small campers, especially the vintage ones. There were pop-up campers that looked like little A-frame houses. There were even tiny teardrop campers that looked like doghouses next to the big guys. But Lainey knew they'd be cozy inside. She imagined what it would be like to share such a space with someone you loved.

  A funky converted school bus drove by but then halted to a stop. A man stuck his head out the driver's side window. "Lainey?"

  "Paul! You made it," she said.

  She began walking toward his window to say hello, but before she reached him, a very bubbly, very pregnant, brunette hopped out of the bus and tackled Lainey in a hug.

  Paul chuckled. "Lainey, meet my wife, Annie. She's very…Southern."

  "Oh, hush," Annie told him in a thick accent. She turned her attention back to Lainey. "I am so glad to have another woman on this trip!"

  Lainey laughed, liking Annie already. She wasn't anything like Lainey had imagined a horror writer's wife to be. She'd expected someone edgy, prickly and barbed, ready to attack. She had not expected an adorably pregnant pixie with an infectious smile. But that was silly. Paul wasn't anything like she'd expected, either. For that matter, neither was Lance.

  While Paul and Annie parked their bus, Lainey ran back to the campsite she shared with Lance. She was so excited to tell him about the plans for the day. Paul and Annie had rented a pontoon. They were going to spend the day on a boat!

  She raced up the steps into the RV. It was empty. She hopped back to the ground and saw Lance and Chonk walking back through the woods the same way the cop had come.

  "There's a trail," Lance called. "It leads to a waterfall, but Chonk and I didn't go that far. Your dog is lazy."

  Lainey laughed. "I know. He'll have to stay in the RV today. We're going to the lake." She filled him in on seeing Paul and Annie.

  An hour later, they had all changed into their swimsuits and were boarding their boat at the dock.

  "I'm so excited," Lainey hissed at Lance. "I have never been on a boat."

  "Never?"

  "Nothing with a motor. Except for the ferry, of course." Lainey grinned. "This is going to be an awesome day."

  Since it was Lainey's first time on a boat, Paul opened up the motor so they could speed across the lake. He apologized that they couldn’t go faster, but Lainey had no idea what he was talking about. This felt plenty fast to her. She loved the feel of the wind in her hair and she'd grinned so much that she feared her face would be sore the next day. She was a
little disappointed when Paul pulled into a cove and dropped the anchor.

  Seeing the expression on her face, Paul laughed. "Sorry, Lainey, but humans require food. And Annie's eating for two. It's time for lunch."

  Lance grinned at her. "You look really happy."

  "Isn't this so much fun?"

  Lance reached out to stroke her hair. "You’re a mess."

  Lainey frowned, realizing her hair must be a snarled rats' nest, which made Lance laugh.

  He reached for her hand, lacing her fingers in his. "You look absolutely beautiful."

  At his touch, A jolt of electricity rushed up her arm. She stared at their hands, wondering how such a small gesture could affect her so strongly.

  "Want to swim?" Lance asked.

  Lainey looked around. "Where?"

  "Here." He pointed with his free hand to the ladder on the side of the boat.

  "Who needs a ladder?" Paul asked, running toward the front of the boat and leaping into the water.

  "Or you could do it Paul's way," Lance said, laughing.

  "You first," Lainey dared.

  Lance let go of her hand and she instantly regretted her words. He followed in Paul's footsteps, diving headfirst into the water.

  Annie laughed. "Boys," she said. "I sure hope this little one is a girl." She looked about to pop any day, so Lainey determined that she and Paul were deliberately waiting until the birth to find out the baby's sex.

  "When are you due?" Lainey asked.

  "In about three months," Annie said. She laughed at Lainey's expression. "I know, I know. I look like I'm about to pop. I'm a tiny person, that's all."

  Lainey couldn’t imagine Annie getting any bigger than she was now. "Do you have names picked out," she asked.

  "Not yet," Annie said. "Paul is an author, so he agonizes over things like names." She rolled her eyes. "That sort of thing is far more important to him than it is to me."

  "Lainey," Lance called from the water. "Are you coming?"