Fisher of Men

by Phoebe Alexander

  “Gee, thanks for making me paranoid now on top of confused and angry at myself for having my boss call me out,” Leah said, shaking her head in disgust at herself. She felt tears threatening to form in the corners of her eyes again. I should really declare a moratorium on this crying business, she thought, sucking those feelings back inside. I need to be stronger. I need to take charge.

  “Oh, honey, I didn't mean to make you feel bad,” Aimee consoled her. “I guess I just don't understand your relationship, that's all.” She heard her best friend sigh in response. “It sounds like I'm not the only one.”

  “I guess I have to decide what to do,” Leah said, trying to convince herself as much as Aimee. “I wish this wasn't so hard. But I guess I wasn't expecting to get involved with someone who made me question everything I believe in.”

  “You must be really drawn to him,” Aimee observed. “Because the Leah Miller I have known since our days at Cornell would need someone pretty compelling to make her compromise on any of her beliefs.”

  “That's the problem exactly.” She loved how Aimee had a way of distilling things down to their pure, simple essence. “I knew as soon as I met him that he was the type of man who sucks a woman in like a magnet. I knew I was risking that but I let it happen anyway. And now I feel so very stupid.” She recognized there was no way she could blame Cap for all of this. He was just being him. And he charmed the pants right off me. Literally. Just like I knew he would. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

  “If you love him, he's worth compromising for,” Aimee reminded her. “But you need to make sure that he's willing to compromise for you too.”

  “You mean, if he loves me, he will compromise for me, right?” Leah knew that the writing was on the wall.

  “I know Anthony and I haven't been married forever,” Aimee said, “so I'm no expert, but I am pretty sure I have figured out at least that much about relationships and love. If you love someone, you will compromise for them. And if they love you, they won't want you to compromise too much, certainly not who you really are.”

  “Now that you're a mom, you're like Dear Abby or something,” Leah laughed. “Thanks for listening and helping me out. I really do appreciate it. I know you're busy with the baby and all.”

  Leah could hear the glow of gratitude in her friend's voice: “Hey, it's nice to know I'm useful for something other than lactation!”

  Cap was not home when Leah finally arrived. He hadn't left a note or texted his whereabouts either. Leah wondered if he was out visiting a friend, and by visiting, I mean fucking, she thought with a twinge of nausea churning her stomach. Her heart was weary from trying to examine her feelings for him. It was much easier to shut those feelings down and let her business side take over. This is where we cut our losses, she thought, borrowing a phrase from one of her favorite college professors.

  She grabbed the leashes off the table and called the dogs, who had briefly greeted her at the door but then wondered off to resume their snoozing on the living room rug. They came running to her, tails wagging, clearly refreshed from their naps. “You guys are going to miss each other, that's for sure,” she sighed as she clipped each leash to its respective collar.

  She headed down the stairs and out the door. She thought she saw Cap's blue truck coming from down the street, two stop signs away from his shop, but she ignored him and proceeded toward the boardwalk. The sun had exploded behind her in a fiery death and the moon was rising over the Atlantic like a silver angel. The lavender blue dusk spilling down onto the white-crested waves beckoned her as she made her way up the slight incline where the horizon was at last revealed. It was brisk, but warm for February.

  Maybe we'll have an early spring, she wondered, letting that temporary brightness illuminate the dark caverns where she'd hidden the thoughts she was avoiding. She wanted to clear her mind once and for all of all worry, indecision, and tribulation. Remember last summer when I first got Glory? Everything was so simple. I had work and Glory and phone calls with Aimee. That's it. That's all I had to worry about.

  Glory and Keeper bounded toward the waves, not at all deterred by the chill of the water. They enjoyed tormenting the sea gulls that dared to land within a twenty foot radius. See? They have a simple life. Eat, sleep, play. That's all they have to worry about. She shook her head and her hair caught the wind, blowing it back into her face. She sputtered and used her free hand to tuck the strawberry blonde waves behind her ear. I can't believe I'm jealous of dogs, she smirked.

  Why am I making this so complicated, though? she wondered. I'm putting myself in a bad position at my job. I'm turning my back on my faith and everything I've been taught about love, sex, and the sanctity of marriage. This is a no-brainer, right? I need to move on. Clearly.

  She looked down the boardwalk to the south, past the jagged rocks staggered away from the point of the inlet, toward Assateague Island where wild ponies roamed the marsh and the beach. It was amazing that just a few miles south the same beach existed but there was no boardwalk lined with shops and restaurants, no smells of boardwalk fries or tattoo shops buzzing with fresh ink. There were no Ferris wheels or cotton candy. No giant sharks coming out of the side of a Ripley's Believe it or Not museum. There weren't arcades lit up in neon or throngs of people carrying bags of cheap souvenirs or moms pushing strollers with screaming toddlers. No formerly pale girls with thick coatings of aloe plastered to scarlet, sunburned skin pulling up their bikini tops just in time to avoid flashing their freshly minted tan lines for the entire boardwalk to see.

  No, Assateague Island was the same exact beach but an entirely different environment. The beaches were wide and often vacant, windswept and desolate. There was a purity that permeated every molecule: the water, the sand, the air, the sun. Loblolly pines proudly towered over the bay side of the island. Tall reeds with fluffy plumes lined the trails. Low scrappy-looking bushes dotted the sides of the roads. White broken shells and dried seaweed were strewn across the sand, and piles of dung marked where the wild ponies had ventured.

  Every single thing was born of nature and when its life was spent, returned to nature: the most organic recycling program ever known. But there was a loneliness that echoed across the island, from the bay to the beach. Even with humans regularly infiltrating the land and water, there was an understanding that this world belonged to nature, to the seagulls and the ponies and the deer. To the crabs and the dolphins. To the pines and the seashells. To everything that existed in that realm that was not human. To everything that would someday return to the earth or the sea.

  Leah recognized the contrast between the two beaches was a metaphor for the way her life had diverged since she met Cap. She had gone from the pureness but steadfast loneliness of Assateague to the frenzied hedonism of the boardwalk, where her body and mind enjoyed constant stimulation. It left her wondering if there was any middle ground, any way to have the best of both worlds. But looking south from the tip of the Ocean City inlet to the beginning of the long, narrow stretch of Assateague, the only thing in between was rocks and water.

  SIXTEEN

  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 John 4:18 (NIV)

  She didn't mean to slam the door when she went to return Keeper to Cap's apartment. She intended to slip in, leave the dog, grab her things and head back to her apartment. After all, it had been several days since she'd been there, since before the trip to New York.

  I can't believe how much has happened in less than a week, she thought as she tiptoed across the kitchen to retrieve her purse. She glanced into the living room and noticed that Cap was asleep on the couch with the television blaring. No wonder he didn't hear the door slam.

  She unhooked Keeper's leash but kept Glory on hers. Naturally, the Labrador bolted straight for his owner, covering his whiskery face with “I desperately missed you!” kisses. So much for slipping out unnoticed, Leah lamented as Cap sputtered and
flailed in reaction to the big dog's gratuitous affections.

  I just don't feel like talking about this right now, she thought. And I don't even want to know where he was when I got home earlier. I'm completely over this uncertainty, ambiguity, and guilt. She considered making a break for it while he was still in a semi-conscious state but she stood frozen in the kitchen as he lumbered toward her yawning.

  “Where have you been?” he asked, his question barely coherent through an open-mouth stretched wide by his yawn.

  “Um...taking the dogs on a walk?” she snapped back, pointing to the leash on Glory. “Where were you when I got home?”

  His face contorted for a moment as if he was trying to decide how to answer but robotically slipping into what looked an awful lot like a lie in the meantime. The result was something like a used car salesman-ish smarmy, sheepish grin. You've got to be kidding me, she thought, her cheeks starting to flush with anger. She had her hand on her hip, gripping Glory's leash so tightly she thought she might melt through the material. She was giving him one minute to offer her a plausible explanation with an accompanying genuine expression before taking her dog and leaving.

  “I have a surprise for you,” he finally said, his smile so wide that the dimples were out in full force.

  It seemed like a stall tactic to her, a distraction from the real question. She knew her patience was wearing thin and her temper was about to take over. In a moment, every bit of red in her strawberry blonde hair was about to reflect in the fiery words her tongue would spew. “You didn't answer my question.” She paused for about three seconds as his dimples disappeared into oblivion. His face registered the realization that she was truly upset. “I asked you where you were. I have a feeling you were doing something I wouldn't like.”

  He took a step back and Glory lurched toward him on her leash with a growl. Amazing! She's mad at him too! Leah smirked.

  Glory's reaction sent Keeper dashing into the kitchen to see what the fuss was about. Suddenly the four of them were facing off, Cap looking defensive and Leah looking about to cry. Her nerves were completely shot from all the stress that had been heaped upon her throughout the day and this was the situation she had most wanted to avoid. And yet here I am in the thick of it. I just want to go home and sleep with my doggie in my own bed. She felt the anger evolve into despair in the blink of an eye, the rage melting into tears that began to stream down her face.

  “What in the world is going on, Leah?” Cap asked, stepping toward her again and Glory moving out of his way without protestation. His eyes searched her face for answers and when he saw the tears, his arms stretched out, reaching for her.

  She fell into them despite her determination not to. When she felt them wrap around her, she collapsed in heaving sobs against his shoulder. He pressed his lips to the top of her head and said nothing, just absorbed her tremors into his tall, strong body. Minutes later, her eyes drying and her throat finally opening back up to allow sound through, she pulled back and looked up at him. She could see that he was still confused about why they were in his kitchen with Glory still on her leash and her bawling into his chest.

  “Are you fucking anyone else?” she asked in almost a whisper save for the emphasis on the hard consonant F.

  “Oh my god, what?!” he laughed. “Are you serious?”

  She straightened her back and looked him in the eyes. “Yes I'm serious. You're a swinger, Cap. You like to fuck multiple women. As far as I know, it's been months since you've been with anyone but me, and I need to know if that's true, if you're really following our agreement.” It didn't take long for her Angry Redhead Voice to return.

  “What is our agreement exactly?” he asked with feigned innocence.

  “Really?” Any evidence that she'd just been crying in his embrace had vanished into thin air. “I can't believe you are pretending you don't know what I'm talking about. So, who is it? Is it Rhonda? I bet it's Rhonda,” Leah threw out the accusation.

  He put a heavy hand on her shoulder and leaned in close to her face. “I am not sleeping with anyone but you. And I believe our agreement was that we would only play together in the same room, am I right?”

  She bristled at the weight of his hand on her. It feels patronizing, but maybe that is just the paranoia I've been feeling since Aimee asked me if he's been faithful. She studied his face: the clear teal-blue eyes with their long blonde lashes, the thick eyebrows that were just shy of being shaggy, and the square jaw carpeted with a thick mat of silver-streaked beard. She had looked at his face so many times now that she knew each expression it was capable of forming by heart. She had never questioned his honesty before now, and it made her wonder if he had a “lying” face. Would she be able to tell if he did? Was he showing it to her now?

  “I don't know what to say,” she admitted quietly, wishing she could crawl through his ear and worm her way through his mind a bit to examine what was really happening in there.

  “Did you really think I would cheat on you?” he asked, his voice filled with disappointment that she hadn't trusted him.

  “I don't know,” she replied. “I don't know what I think anymore.”

  “Come here,” Cap beckoned her. “I really do have a surprise for you. Will you go with me to see it?”

  “I don't know, Cap, I've had a really awful day. I think I'm going to just go home and go to bed,” she sighed. Her skull was beginning to throb with the beginnings of a tension headache.

  “What happened, Sugar? Why don't you tell me about it on the way there? Then when we get home, I'll draw you a hot bath and give you a nice massage. What do you say to that?” He smiled, dimples and teeth in full view. He reached out to grab her hand and pull her into his arms again. “I'll make it all better, Baby, I promise.”

  She rested her cheek against his firm chest muscles and sighed again. Why does he make it so difficult? she wondered. He always knows exactly what to say. Next thing she knew, she was hoisting herself into the cab of his truck and he was whisking her across the inlet bridge toward West Ocean City and Berlin. They turned down Route 611 toward Assateague Island, and her heart began to pump faster when she remembered the metaphor she'd thought about earlier when she was walking the dogs. They headed south for a few miles; then he turned down a gravel road heading east back toward the ocean.

  The gravel road wound around a bend of pine trees and then straightened into an empty field where a large, abandoned-looking building rose up from the earth. It was industrial looking, perhaps a warehouse, and the metal siding was faded around the place where a sign had announced the name of the business in days gone by. Leah looked over at Cap who was still beaming and shook her head. “Why are we here?”

  “I bought this place,” he announced, his dimples at maximum depth. He sat in the truck staring at the building, his eyes afire with visions and ideas.

  Leah opened her door and stepped out onto the sandy, weed-dotted soil. The first thing that came to her mind was a television series she'd watched on Netflix where the characters built a meth lab in a similar-looking structure. I pray to God that's not what's going on here! she mused, hoping that she would have discovered an illegal drug-manufacturing side of Cap before now, if it existed. Now that she had dismissed that wild and crazy idea, her only other thought was why? And she didn't even have to voice it. He could tell by the way her face was twisted with confusion that it was the one thing on her mind.

  “I know it's not much to look at now, but picture this,” he spread his hands out as if making a frame around the building. “Looks like a warehouse from the outside, right? But we clean it up on the inside and build a bar and some rooms and voila, it's a swing club!”

  “Really?” she looked back at him and then toward the building again. The excitement that Cap was radiating was beginning to seep into her pores as if it was contagious. But her body wanted to fight it off like a virus.

  “Yes, really! Look, it's so out of the way back here on this gravel road, it will be discreet yet stil
l close to OC so people vacationing at the beach can find it. There's plenty of parking. And wait till you hear the plans I have for the inside. It's going to be amazing!” He looked like a kid on Christmas morning, unwrapping the gift he'd impatiently anticipated all year long. He took her hand and pulled her toward the concrete slab and double glass doors at the entrance of the two story metal-sided building.

  The doors were chained together and he wrestled with a huge ring full of keys to find the correct one to unlock them. He pulled off the chain and opened the right side door. “After you,” he offered as he ushered her into the lobby.

  There was an office area on the left with large windows on each side. He flipped a light switch and three bare bulbs on the ceiling faintly illuminated the space. “This will be the reception area, where staff will take IDs and money.”

  He led her down the hall where a square opening revealed the huge, open interior. “The sky's the limit in here,” he said, pulling a flashlight from his belt and waving it through the building. “I think the middle area will be a huge dance floor with a bar at that end. It'll be bring-your-own-booze, but you'll have to check them in with the bartender. That's pretty much standard procedure with the clubs I've been to. And then flanking both sides there will be a series of private playrooms. Oh!” he exclaimed, as if the ideas were flooding his mind so quickly, he couldn't get them out fast enough. “The name! The name kicks ass!”

  “What's that?” Leah asked, her eyes adjusting to the dim light coming from the bulbs they'd illuminated in the foyer. She looked toward the ceiling as he shone the flashlight on exposed steel beams and huge pipes. “What did they do in here, anyway?”

  “I was told they processed crabs back in the early part of the 1900's. Then after the crabbing industry started declining here, it was mainly used for boat and fishing equipment storage. That's how I found out about it. This old fisherman from here in Berlin who comes down to my shop every now and again told me that the owner had died and his son was trying to sell this place off. He'd had it on the market for about a year and was about to tear it down and try to sell the land to be developed for real estate. You know the real estate this close to the water is big fucking business. I've been negotiating for a couple months now and I had to move around some assets to make it all work. And I have a partner too. I didn't say anything to you or anyone else at her request. We both wanted to make sure it was going to work out. Well, today we met at the bank, signed the papers, and got the keys!”