Fraternizing

by C. C. Brown

  After looking back, it's astounding and somewhat baffling that we had managed to get intertwined with one another in such a passionate way. I had thought that if I got a taste of him-- that would be it, but it was so much more. And now, my fears were elevated because with all of the joy and happiness comes secrecy and hiding. Our relationship, if that's what we want to call it, could be our lifelong demise. A discharge from the Corps for fraternizing would follow and hinder the both of us no matter what we embark on. Yet, even with that knowledge, I couldn't see myself turning away from him.

  "Hey. You back from cloud nine?" Dalton's pretty smile was in my face, his hands waving in front of me as well.

  I was floating. My day with Alex had been so invigorating that I couldn't seem to focus on anything else besides his body. But more so, his warm, compassionate, and soothing words in my moment of panic. His actions were completely opposite of what I was expecting, and the joy of it all was beginning to shine through me.

  "I'm good. Just happy to have a day off."

  "We had a day off yesterday. Where were you anyway?"

  I tensed up. I hadn't planned on being asked that question, so I had no answer readily available. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, praying that Dalton couldn't argue against it.

  "I was in the library most of the day, studying.” My stomach twisted into a few tightly wound knots as I waited for his response.

  "Oh, okay. I couldn't find you. After I was done babysitting Allen, that is."

  "Allen? Why?"

  "Beats me," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "I just know that he got into some shit in the wee hours of the night, and somehow I got called in to be a calming effect for him." He smiled apathetically.

  Guilt instantly flooded me, filling me from head to toe. No one should have to spend unwanted time with Allen, and the only reason Dalton had been made to do it was so that Alex and I could carry on with what we were doing. I felt bad for my friend. I felt bad for what I was becoming, but eerily I couldn't feel bad for what I was doing.

  "I'm sorry. He's a freakin' rabid dog. What did he do this time?"

  "He had been drinking again, and I guess his roommate said something about it. A couple of wrong words and they were throwing blows at one another." Dalton rolled his eyes but continued on. "Allen got moved out of the room, closer to the duty hut. They should have moved him right next door, but there were no rooms available. I got stuck helping him move."

  I couldn't help but laugh at the contortion of his face.

  "Sorry to laugh at you, but I really couldn't imagine having to do that. You shouldn't be so nice, Dalton. Your reputation is preceding you."

  The door opened and in strolled Angelica. She avoided my gaze, instead briskly walking past both Dalton and me while quietly muttering, "Hi."

  "Hi," we answered back simultaneously.

  Her behavior had me stumped. The day before, she was proudly and quite potently threatening to derail whatever it was she thought Alex and I had. Today, she couldn’t even bring herself to look at me. Something was definitely up.

  "I'm going to the gym, and then to study," she said, throwing a new t-shirt on over her head.

  Dalton and I exchange curious glances, but neither of us said a word.

  "Bye," Angelica called out before slowly shutting the door.

  "Well, that was strange," I said, breaking the awkward silence that Angelica had cast over the room. "She usually has nothing but venom for me."

  "Don't sweat it. Relish it. Now get your binder out so we can study. We have more tests coming up this week."

  I reluctantly stood, then moved over to my wall locker, pulling my binder out and thrusting it on my bed. The last thing I wanted to do right now was study because even in my binder, Alex and his sex oozing voice spilled out from deep inside of it.

  Monday morning came much too soon. My relaxing day with Dalton and the absence of Angelica made Sunday one of my favorite days thus far. She seemed so dejected when she walked into the room, and if I actually liked her, I probably would have cared. All I knew was that her subdued demeanor oddly put me at ease, and whatever had taken her to that point was very welcomed.

  Inside the classroom, I couldn't help but feel uneasy as Newsome stood behind Alex, scanning on the room and landing on me a few times. Maybe it was the fact that Alex and I had escalated our flirtations-- going all the way, but I had a sickening feeling that he knew, and it was sending my mind in all sorts of crazy directions. As far as I was aware, he didn't know about us, but my guilty conscience couldn't be sure. Intense heat suffocated me as he looked out at me, his eyes narrowing as if he was trying to steal information from my soul.

  "…so your tests are coming back to you. A passing score is seventy-two percent, a C, which is average. We are Marines. We are exceptional, and anything but average, so if you find yourself down in this range, fix your shit."

  Alex's voice shook me from my trance. Jensen took the liberty of passing back the tests, slapping a seventy-four percent down in front of me. Shame and embarrassment hit me as I looked from my paper up to the front of the room where Alex stood, glaring at me. He softly licked his lips, turning his head slightly to the side in a consequential manner, his eyes filling with lustful disappointment.

  I couldn't take it. I turned away from him. After the test, I felt like I hadn't performed well. Something about the feel of it all, his eyes boring into me all while I took the exam, had shaken my core, utterly distracting me.

  "Open your binders to the chapter on cryptographic codes and pay attention. You will have another test at the end of the week, and those of you that scored average will need to redeem yourselves to my satisfaction."

  My eyes shot to Alex as he spoke, seemingly as if I were the only person he was speaking to, his statement filled with sexual innuendo.

  My focus was gone. There was nothing that he said that didn’t feel like a direct threat to me, with sexual connotation thickly laced through it. All of the codes in the binder read like a foreign language with no way of deciphering them. As soon as Alex spoke, explicit thoughts caressed my mind. I’d finally had enough, so I excused myself to go to the restroom.

  I rushed into the stall, locked the door and allowed my head to rest against the side wall. This just wasn't me. I wasn't this girl. Alex had gotten into me, figuratively and literally, and turned me upside down, shaking away the girl I once was and replacing me with some wanton creature that was unfamiliar even to me. My thoughts, my dreams, my desires all zeroed in on him and the feel of it all ripped through me, placing me on a steep ledge that left me dangling from the edge, on the verge of falling off and crashing down. As ominous as it was, like a train wreck happening before my eyes, I couldn't pull myself away from it.

  I doused a bit of water on my face and dabbed it away with a paper towel before mentally bitch slapping myself to get it together. I walked into the classroom, feeling slightly better than I had before.

  After staring at codes for what felt like forever, we were finally excused for lunch. I scurried out of the classroom, hoping to avoid Newsome who I swore was still peering at me every chance he got. Or maybe it was my overactive imagination that had me believing that. Either way, it made me wholly uncomfortable, and I needed a reprieve from it.

  I spotted Dalton and made my way over to him.

  "Hey. How did do on your test?" His smile was brighter than the blistering sun.

  "Ehhh… not so good. I'm average," I joked. "What about you?"

  His smile faded. "I was top scorer in my class. Ninety-eight percent."

  Guilt seemed to overcome him, almost as if he shouldn't be sharing his good news when I had none to report back in return.

  "Congrats, Dalton. And wipe that look off your face. I'll be fine. Just have to buckle down, that's all."

  Lane and Hutchins walked over, inviting us out to Subway for lunch. Immediate thoughts of Saturday scraped my mind, taking me back to my pick-up spot as Alex waited for me and looked o
n from the distance.

  "Yeah, I'm starving. Let's go."

  We walked to Subway. Lane and Hutchins detailed their test scores and what it was that still had room to work on. I didn’t feel the need to throw around my paltry seventy-four. Compared to their eighties and nineties, I was ponderously pulling up the rear.

  Subway was a crowded mess. I guess it was better than a run to the greasy burger joint on base, but it was so packed that it left barely any standing room, let alone anywhere to sit.

  This time when the urge to go the restroom hit, I really had to use it. I gave Dalton my order before trying to navigate through the throngs of people, finally getting to the restroom where another crowd awaited me.

  As I stood in line, making small talk with another female Marine, a buzz went off in my pocket. I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my cammie pants, fully expecting to find a question from Dalton.

  Alex: A 74%? You're better than average. I would know. J I thought about punishing you like Saturday, but you enjoyed that too much.

  The innuendo encrypted in his text made my heart race. I looked around at the other females who stood around me, hoping none of them had noticed my flushed skin as I stood staring and grinning at the words on my phone screen.

  Me: Just a little bit. So what's the alternative?

  Alex: I'm still thinking…

  Me: I think my teacher needs to teach me a little more. I learn better in one on one settings.

  A couple of minutes went by before he got back to me.

  Alex: Hey… text you in a bit. Major Kinsley wants to see me.

  For some reason, that last message worried me. It laid ice over my body, freezing me where I stood. Why would the Major want to see him? Had someone leaked something and now he was being confronted with it? I waited, impatiently, on pins and needles, anxiously anticipating his response.

  But it never came.

  After returning from the restroom, I sat down at one of the outside tables that Dalton, Lane, and Hutchins found, awaiting his reply. I kept checking my phone, lying about wanting to make sure that we gave ourselves enough time to eat and walk back to the schoolhouse, but I was secretly wanting to see another text pop up from Alex.

  Maybe he had gotten tied up with something and couldn't respond, but the longer I went with nothing coming back from him, the more impatient I became. I wanted to believe anything other than trouble lurked about, but my mind wouldn't let me. Was he in there being read his rights, and I would be next? Whatever the case, the thought of it was nauseating, and that was the last thing I needed to do was rile suspicion with unsuspecting people sitting around me.

  When we were back at the schoolhouse, I stood outside next to the only pillar that even hinted at a piece of shade. Dalton stood next to me, rambling on about something that I paid no attention to. I glanced down at my phone a few more times, hoping that Alex had responded, and I had somehow missed it.

  Still nothing.

  I blew out a breath, letting it take my frustrations away, when a new set of annoyances came charging at me. Allen was bragging about being the top scorer on the test. He and his pompous attitude were enough, but now that he'd done something that warranted his overly boisterous bragging, I couldn't deal with it any longer.

  I walked away, pinching the bridge of my nose. When I looked up, Alex, Jensen and Newsome were walking up, Castillo not far behind. They were patting Alex on the shoulder and smiling as they walked along.

  "Good afternoon, gentlemen," I said out of necessity because not speaking to passing instructors would give Castillo, or even Jensen, ammunition to tear into me. It was also to catch Alex's attention. My voice came out much weaker than I had intended. Jensen and Newsome nodded their heads, acknowledging my greeting. Alex turned his head but gave nothing in return.

  I stepped to the side, Castillo's eyes landing on mine. They were dipped in just the perfect amount of venom, trying hard to intimidate me, but I stood my ground, giving it back without being too obvious.

  "Good afternoon to you too, Pfc. Bennett," she coldly greeted, the acid in her tone much too obvious.

  I wanted to roll my eyes and turn and walk away from her, but the uniform I currently wore prohibited me from doing it. "Good afternoon to you as well, Sgt. Castillo." I couldn't wait to spit her name out. The feel of it rolling off my tongue put a bad taste in my mouth.

  She sneered, grinning in such a pretentious manner as she stood with the guys, knowing full well that she was getting under my skin for a reason that couldn't be discussed out in the open. Annoyance took over, leaving my chest in a rampant, heaving mess. It was all I could do to release a bit of steam while still keeping my composure for any unwary eyes.

  I looked to Alex, giving him a covert smile, but he simply looked through me as if I didn't exist.

  My heart fell. I’d hoped he would look back, give me something to show that he had to put up an act around his colleagues, but he never did. I hated myself for feeling so much with that one little act, but if I had learned anything about nothing to do with me.

  I walked back into the classroom dreading the second half of the day. Being encased in four walls with him and his sudden and erratic change in demeanor wasn't a pleasant thought. And I was right. The rest of the day had a very stale aura to it. When I left, he still hadn't looked at me, still hadn't sent any signals to me. I might as well have been just another student in the class to him because that was exactly what I felt like.

  Chapter 15

  Alex

  Avoiding Cassie was harder than I’d imagined.

  I thought for sure that if I told myself I could stay away from her, act like she had no effect on me and treat her like any other female Marine, that it'd get done. Quite the opposite happened.

  I was trying to get back on track since I'd been told that I was picked as NCO of the Quarter, and within that brief, minuscule minute, all of my indiscretions came roaring back at me like a rabid animal.

  My mind replayed pictures of her. Her heart melting smile, her beautiful, naked body in my hands, those beaming green eyes…

  All of it flashed through my head in a continuous cycle that was silently destroying me, but I had to stick to my guns. The more I thought about what we had progressed to, the more I realized just how wrong it all was.

  I took my eyes off the ball because I was hell bent on getting a taste of something overly enticing. I should have followed my first instinct to just avoid her because now I was stuck with the fucking guilt of deviating from the Corps, my driving force in life, and putting myself in a predicament that would leave me emotionally exhausted no matter which way I turned.

  I'd gotten all of Cassie that I could have ever wanted, and she certainly did not disappoint, but that wasn't the point. The point was that following the needs and wants of my dick, no matter how persuasive it could be, hadn't done me a bit of good. In fact, it had gotten me into more trouble than I'd probably seen in my entire childhood combined.

  But I couldn't find the strength to just wash my hands and walk the fuck away.

  I lay on my bed late Wednesday night, sifting through the text messages she'd sent me throughout the week with no response. As badly as I wanted to respond, I just couldn’t do it because by responding, I was thrusting myself back into the same spot that had mind fucked me, had ripped my integrity away, and left me worthless.

  Cassie: Hey! Is everything okay?

  Cassie: Text me to let me know you're good.

  Cassie: Ignoring me through text and in person is so cool of you. Not sure what I did, but you shut down quickly. WTF?

  Cassie: Well, thanks for being a prick, Alex.

  The self-restraint I had somehow lost the second my eyes landed on Cassie had come back to me. As much as I wanted to respond, to even pick up the phone, call her, hear her soft and sensual voice, or even just listen to the light breaths leaving her delectable mouth, I just couldn’t do it.

  Had I been everything I was supposed to be since meeting her?
Fuck no. I had turned into quite the opposite, and I had no choice but to find myself, the old Alex, the overly motivated and gung-ho Alex, who let nothing come between me and the mission. Never before had I been tempted to such extremes and failed so miserably.

  So why was finding myself killing me in the process? Had I become someone else? The answers to those questions didn't come easily. They played with my head, dangling me over a cliff, threatening to drop me with no help in sight. I was lost…lost without a soul around to help me through it.