Fraternizing

by C. C. Brown

  A hard knock pounded on my bedroom door.

  "Hey, man. Riley threw some steaks on the grill. Come and get some before we eat it all."

  I fixed my hardened gaze on Jensen, not saying a word before his face scrunched.

  "What the fuck, man? You got some incredible news. What's wrong with you? You've been coming home, locking yourself back here for the past few days."

  My expression didn’t change. He was a serious source of contention for me. And even if things between us were back to being civil, deep inside I still harbored a bit of animosity towards him.

  "Fuck it. If you want some, you know where to go."

  He closed the door, leaving me to fester in my shit stain mood and billowing anger. This wasn't a good mixture, and I felt like at any moment I was going to combust, violently.

  The next morning, standing in front of the class, I worked hard on the training that I had been giving myself for the past few days. I figured out how to scan the room without allowing my eyes to land directly on Cassie. If I did, it would be the end of me. I couldn't take looking at her because by looking at her, I knew I was only inviting myself to take the route back to self-destruction and that was the last thing I needed.

  Or so I thought.

  "Because so many of you performed less than exceptional on the last test, we have a bit of an incentive for you. Hopefully this will wake your asses up. I don’t want any of you in any unit with me, in combat, with average scores tagged onto your ass. If people can't communicate, we lose fellow Marines. You need to know your shit. You understand that?"

  "Yes, Sergeant," the class called out. Cassie's voice, as soft and fragile as it could be at times, stood out amongst all of the rest. I tried blocking it out, not wanting it to seep in and knock me off my post again.

  Sgt. Newsome stepped forward, giving the details for the challenge.

  "Alright," he said, clapping his hands together, "the person who has the highest average for this last test and the next two coming up before the field training op, will be pulled from the duty rotation."

  Chatter began to fill the room as excited and eager faces lit up at the prospect of escaping a night of duty.

  As soon as the word duty hit my ears, my last duty night came crashing back into me. That night, the risk, the sweet reward, and the utter frustration at the end of it...it swept in like a tidal wave, taking my focus away from everything else in that moment.

  I stole a quick glance in her direction, knowing ahead of time that I shouldn't have, but did it anyway. She was looking at me, not with the same desire that usually shone through her sex craving eyes, but with something more along the lines of emptiness. She didn’t look sad, but she wasn't as vibrant as she normally was.

  Damn!

  I fucking hated myself all over again. I did this. Not only was I hurting myself, but I was also hurting the only girl who had taken me, shook me, and claimed me. All because I was a selfish bastard.

  After speaking to Jensen and Newsome, I walked out of the classroom. There was no way I was going to be able to stand in there one second longer without losing my shit. As I walked out, passing just a row over from where Cassie sat, I caught a whiff of that restraint breaking vanilla aroma, and it sent my mind into overdrive. I picked up the pace, plowing through the door and stomping down to my office before I turned around and really punished myself.

  Unfortunately, later that night, I was stuck with inspecting the rooms on Cassie's floor. As soon as I found out the others had already divvied up their assignments, frustration tore through me like a jackknife. I was either the world's biggest asshole, and I deserved the torment that came with having to see her in every location possible, or my attempts at staying away from her were unrealistic and an utter waste of time. Either way, having to see her so close to me and not being able to touch her was unnecessary misery.

  After inspecting the room directly next door to hers, I gathered myself before turning for her room. No way was I going to walk in there, unprepared and fail myself. I swallowed, took a couple of deep breaths, then confidently walked into her room, greeting her and Ruiz on the way in.

  "Good evening, ladies."

  "Good evening, Sergeant," they both responded, the sweetness of Cassie's voice nowhere to be found.

  I averted her eyes on my way in. No way could I look into them and find anything other than happiness, joy, and want. Her indifference was a silent killer, even if she had no idea.

  I did a quick sweep, definitely not as thorough as I would normally do. I just couldn’t stay in her room any longer. Thoughts of moonlight on her sun-kissed body, my lips on her, her lips on me-- all of it was much too vivid, and I couldn’t handle looking at it any longer.

  "Good job, ladies," I mumbled as I walked out of the room, looking at Ruiz but deliberately avoiding Cassie.

  Confusion filled Ruiz's face, but she calmly responded, "Thank you, Sergeant."

  I walked out of the room, my bitch card hanging low before me, letting me know just how far I had fallen. All I could think about was going home and drowning in a twelve pack.

  And as soon as field day was over, that was exactly what I did.

  Waking up the next morning, I dressed in my Service Charlies with little enthusiasm for the day. Friday should have been a welcomed day. It brought the weekend and free time, but too much free time was too much time to think, and lately my thoughts were chipping away at my wall of restraint.

  "You ready, man?" Jensen asked, standing in the kitchen, fully dressed after having woken up early and doing a rather intense workout session. I heard his ass in the garage and thought about joining him, but nixed that idea rather quickly. I didn't want conversation getting too deep with him.

  I looked at him but didn’t respond.

  Riley came strolling in, a Red Bull in his hands. I grabbed it from him, popped the top, and polished that bitch off in one long gulp.

  "Fuck, dude. You look like you needed that, but asking would've been cool."

  "Shut up, Riley," I muttered, moving about the kitchen and looking for the coffee pot.

  I was not a coffee drinker, but when an entire night of restlessness took over, I needed something, anything to get me through the day. I stood in front of the sink, filling the pot, when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window. My eyes were damn near bloodshot, heavy bags sitting underneath, and a scowl looking like a permanent fixture. This was all courtesy of Cassie and the hold she had on me. Moving away from her was supposed to be the right thing to do, but every day that I stayed away, my body felt like the punishment was growing larger and larger.

  By the time I got to the schoolhouse, I’d had two full mugs of coffee. That coupled with the Red Bull, and I finally felt like I was energized enough to make it through my day, but I knew that the looming crash was coming. No sleep and all caffeine didn’t look promising for me.

  Before getting the day started, I darted off to the bathroom, throwing handfuls of water on my face, hoping that I looked somewhat presentable as I was scheduled to be in front of damn near the entire schoolhouse this morning. After looking myself over, I took the fuck it approach. So what if I looked like I had drank all night and gotten no sleep because that was, in fact, exactly what I had done. And if anyone had shit to say about it, then they were probably going to be on the receiving end of a very belligerent asshole.

  Because that was exactly what I was feeling like.

  As I walked out and stood before the throngs of Marines, from all different companies, I thought it would be best to fill my head with mindless chatter. It was all I could do to make time pass by as we stood, awaiting the Company Commander and the Commanding Officer. My eyes drifted in and out of the endless rows of Charlie clad bodies standing at attention, and all of their eyes focused on where I stood. I kept telling myself not to look for Cassie, but I did it anyway, picking her out almost immediately. As soon as our eyes locked, my throat began to close up from the sneer that she gave me. Voices echoed in my
head, and I realized that the ceremony had begun.

  "Good morning, Marines," Colonel Davis called out.

  "Good morning, Sir," the crowd replied in perfect unison.

  I watched Cassie. Her mouth moved so smoothly, and all I could imagine were my lips on hers, her lips on my cock, running them up and down in that soft and delicate fashion that only she knew how to do.

  "This morning, we are here to recognize one of the finest Marines working for the battalion. Not only has Sgt. Alejandro Cruz been selected for Staff Sergeant, but he has also been names NCO of the Quarter. We couldn’t have picked a more deserving individual."

  He turned away from the crowd, now facing me.

  "Sgt. Cruz, on behalf of the battalion, I want to thank you for your selfless service and dedication to training these young Marines to the best of your ability. You are a shining example of what a Marine Corps NCO should be, and we are thankful and grateful to have you."

  "Oorah!" someone yelled from the crowd, the universal, motivational congratulatory call. A few more followed before Colonel Davis signaled Major Kinsley to step forth, silencing them all.

  "I want every Marine, veteran and new, to take a look at this fine Sergeant standing before you. As Marines, we pride ourselves on integrity, great moral character, as well as performing the duties of our job. Sergeant Cruz, you have shown your high dedication to training our future Communications Marines while guiding them on the ins and out, rights and wrongs of the Marine Corps. Your impending promotion is highly deserving. Thank you for your service, and congratulations on all of your accomplishments."

  The Major's and Colonel's words gutted me, leaving me hanging from a very sharp hook. How they could stand there and say the things they said without knowing the real and true me was devastating. Not only was I nothing like their perceptions, but I had willingly strayed and become anything but a model Marine, less known a fucking NCO of the Quarter. Bile rose in my throat, heat flashed through me, and my legs had begun to tingle. Passing out was surely coming, and mixed with the previous night's twelve pack, this morning's Red Bull, and the two mugs of coffee, I only hoped it would remove me from my misery.

  What should have been a very momentous occasion had turned into a fucking nightmare. My conscience wasn't sitting well with the idea of all of these Marines looking at me as something that I was not. I couldn’t have fallen further from the tree, and the guilt accompanied with the words, the looks of admiration, and the pride from my higher ups were pushing me further and further towards the ledge.

  Major Kinsley signaled for me to step over to where he and Colonel Davis stood. Colonel Davis handed me a plaque. The feel of it in my hands was like holding molten lava, scorching me, begging me to drop it where I stood. I had to pull my shit together and stand there, pretending to be proud of what everyone thought I was.

  I stood between the two, smiling as the photographer from the base newspaper snapped our picture. I looked fucked up, and I felt much of the same. I didn’t deserve shit, but I couldn't tell them that. Not without openly tarnishing my reputation. Deep inside, the guilt was destroying me much more than anything they could ever do to me anyway.

  After the ceremony, the Marines mingled with one another before heading into classrooms for the day. I caught sight of Cassie hanging out with Dalton and the two other kids from the bowling alley. She looked back at me from time to time, her eyes slicing through me, making me feel even less. As much as I wanted to be rid of her, I still wanted her, and it was that conflict of emotions that seemed to be eating me alive.

  "…so you down tonight or what, NCO of the Quarter?" Jensen's voice brought me back.

  I looked around the circle, my eyes landing on Riley who looked like his cat had just died. Jensen and Newsome stared at me questioningly but didn’t say anything.

  "What’s that? I must have spaced out."

  "The Tavern tonight. We're taking you out to celebrate."

  "Oh. Naw, I'm good."

  "Fuck that," Jensen said. "I don't know what the fucks going on with you, but you've been a fucking recluse all this week. It's time to get your ass out and about. And this is the perfect excuse to do it."

  I shook my head, much too emotionally drained and physically exhausted to argue.

  "Whatever, man." I rubbed my hand over my face, shutting my eyes, wishing all of this shit would just go away.

  "Good. Tonight at seven. Everyone's going."

  Before Jensen could say anything further I walked off, passing Cassie and her crew while my insides twisted, sending me into silent agony.

  When I walked into the schoolhouse building, the front photo board already held my picture under the NCO of the Quarter slot, next to all of the unit higher ups. The guilt was thick, acting as the anchor that held me under water with no way of getting any air. I needed this day to end so I could get away and drink myself into a drunken stupor.

  The rest of the day dragged, prolonging the torment within me. Even during test time, while the students were hard at work, my mind drifted to Cassie. The last test she'd scored well below expectation, and I couldn’t help but hope that she had regained her footing and done well on this one.

  Guilt hit me from all angles—unrelenting and powerful, sucker punches to the gut, over and over again. I knew then that my relief would be found at the bottom of an empty tequila bottle, so as soon as the students were released for the day, I hurried my ass out of there, went home, and downed the last of my Cuervo before passing out.

  When I woke up, Riley was standing over me, looking worried as all hell.

  "Hey, man," he said, his voice low and timid.

  I looked at him, trying hard to focus but failing miserably.

  "We're about ready to go. I don’t know though, maybe you should stay home."

  "No. I need to go. I’ll be ready in like ten."

  He sighed. "Look. I know what this--"

  "Riley, I'll be ready," I sternly countered. I didn’t need him filling me in on the obvious.

  In ten minutes, just as I had said, I was ready and walking out the door. The little bit of sleep that I’d caught helped and all I could think about was getting the leftover thoughts of Cassie out of my head. For the first time since these plans had been made, I finally found some enjoyment in the night.

  Riley drove all of us in my truck since it was biggest and comfortably sat all of us. He volunteered to be the DD, leaving me with no limitations on just how piss poor drunk I could get drowning out the residual thoughts of my very own kryptonite.

  The Tavern was packed. Next to Coyotes, it was our second favorite hang-out spot. It was a little larger than Coyotes but was lacking the vibrant feel. It didn’t really matter to me because I planned to be carried out by the time we left. Eliminating Cassie from my thoughts was my goal, and if it took five drinks or fifteen, I was going to make that happen.

  Smith ordered the first round, holding up his shot glass and belting out, "To Alex, NCO of the motherfucking quarter."

  "Oorah," Jensen and Newsome hollered, before throwing back their shots and slamming the glasses down on the table.

  I threw mine back and quickly called for another, throwing that back before Castillo and Collins walked up with two more.

  "Well, hell. We're late to the party," Castillo said, grinning at me and handing over another.

  "Well deserved, Alex," Collins said, smiling as well.

  There wasn't enough alcohol in my system to take their compliments, so I took the other shot in Castillo's hands and downed that one too. Her hooded eyes bore into me, prompting Riley to tap me on the shoulder.

  "Dude, I know what you're doing. Slow down."

  "Fuck off, Riley," I growled, throwing his hand off of me. "I'm here to celebrate, right? This is how we do it."

  He didn't look offended. Instead, apprehension filled his face. I didn’t care. Riley had no fucking clue what I was grappling with, and I wasn't about to fill him in on anything.

  Another round came out, and
this time Jensen lifted his glass while yelling out, "Every motherfucking Marine in here needs to come say hello and congratulate my friend, Alex. It's a pleasure serving next to you, brother. Probably one of the best fucking Marines I've ever met."

  Loud "oorahs" filled the room, making me smile. The tequila was finally settling and doing exactly what I needed it to do. I threw the shot back, blowing out a deep breath after allowing it to ooze down my throat.

  "You deserve some pussy, man. This one is perfect."

  Some random brunette— leggy, and tan—stepped out from behind Jensen. She smiled, but it did nothing for me. I couldn’t find anything special about her. But then again, I just needed to forget about Cassie, so she would probably do the trick.