Collard Greens and Catfishing

by Kelsey Browning

  Maggie deadheaded a few of the huge cushion mums in the flower bed, trying to burn off energy in anticipation of the inspection. Angelina and her merry band of men would be here any minute.

  Maggie couldn’t help wondering if things might have been different with Deputy Barnes had he and James not concocted that whole website together. The different registration fees and Barnes’ multiple profiles, they might’ve gotten away with. But those fraudulent credit cards charges Teague had mentioned…those would be harder to duck. Abby Ruth was inside checking her account right now.

  Apparently, James had been the mastermind who’d stashed the little computer in Warner Talley’s room at Dogwood Ridge. So much for those volunteer hours going on James’ college applications.

  “They’re here.” Sera came bounding down the front stairs. “They just turned in the drive. I saw them from the landing.”

  “Here goes nothing.” Maggie glanced at the bright-purple heart rope bracelet Barnes had tied around her wrist last night. Even though he’d turned out not to be the man of her dreams, he’d truly wanted a second date. Plus, he’d given her a little something. Something she didn’t know was even still inside her. The hope of sharing some of her golden years with someone.

  Abby Ruth strolled out of the house. “Nothing on my credit card that’s not supposed to be there,” she reported.

  “Thank goodness,” Maggie said.

  “Yeah,” Abby Ruth agreed. “Guess I’ll make myself scarce. Kids are practicing on the back forty again. Need me for anything?”

  Maggie shook her head. “Just keep your fingers crossed or whatever Texans do for luck.”

  Darrell Holloway was in the driver seat of the white SUV with Hollis Dooley riding shotgun. Darned if Angelina didn’t look as if she was being chauffeured. Probably the way she’d planned it. He pulled the truck to a stop just a few feet short of the spot that only yesterday could have held a battleship.

  Angelina waited until Darrell opened the door for her, then slid out of the back seat, her shiny pumps hitting the ground in a one-two click.

  As usual she was glittering from head to toe. A scarf with shiny metallic thread halved and tugged around her neck made her look a little like a turtle.

  Darrell lagged behind while Hollis Dooley, his old hound dog at his side, plodded forward with his walker one slow step at a time.

  “Where do you want to start?” Maggie asked Angelina.

  “Upstairs, I suppose.” She pushed forward, knocking on the porch posts and taking a second glance at the front door jamb as she did. At the stairway, Angelina pushed and pulled on the wooden railing, as she took each step in an overly cautious way.

  “The stairs are safe,” Maggie said.

  “She’s dramatic sometimes,” Darrell said as he walked by.

  “Sometimes?”

  Hollis parked himself and his dog in the parlor. “Mind if I sit down?”

  “Not at all,” Maggie said. “Tea?”

  “I’d love some.”

  After fetching Hollis a glass, Maggie paced the first floor, going over all the problems in the house in her head and hoping that Angelina wouldn’t find something she’d missed.

  She could hear Angelina ordering Darrell to go into the attic. Seriously? She was just determined to find something. Maggie didn’t know why she’d worked so hard. The sound of every door opening and closing reverberated through the house. Then finally, there was a flush.

  Maggie held her breath.

  Not a gurgle or burp followed. Thank goodness.

  Angelina came down the stairs without using the handrail. She tapped her pen on the clipboard, then whisked right by Maggie without a word.

  In less than five minutes, she and Darrell were back outside, mumbling on the front porch. Hollis might have well stayed home. He hadn’t done anything but sip tea with Sera, but if he got a vote, Maggie felt certain they had his.

  Hollis finally joined the other two members of the Historic Preservation Committee on the porch, then he and Angelina headed for the truck.

  “Are they leaving?” Sera asked Maggie.

  But before Maggie could muster a response, Darrell strolled back inside.

  “Congratulations, Maggie.” Darrell extended his hand. “You’ve passed your inspection, and here’s your invitation to the annual Christmas Candlelight Tour of Homes.”

  Sera clapped and hugged Maggie.

  “Thank you!”

  “I didn’t say anything to Angelina, but that tree close to the house is a definite problem. I know you have had it on your radar, please take care of it soon. I’d hate for something to happen.”

  “I will,” Maggie said. “I promise.”

  “And come on by the store, and I’ll set you up with some new lights for the holiday tour decorations. Wouldn’t even mind lending you a hand stringing them, if you need it.”

  Sera elbowed Maggie.

  “Thank you, Darrell. I’ll stop by next week.”

  He raised a hand in a wave and walked outside.

  Maggie and Sera watched him all the way to his truck. “He’s kind of good-looking,” Sera said. “And he’s totally sweet on you.”

  He had seemed interested. “It’s probably just the hardware connection.” Or maybe that little beekeeping date had re-pollinated her in some sweet kind of way.

  “Whatever.” Sera grabbed her hand and dragged her back inside. “Let’s have a glass of wine to celebrate.”

  “Perfect.”

  Sera grabbed a bottle from the kitchen counter and went to work on the cork.

  The front door slammed.

  “Uh-oh,” Sera said.

  Maggie peeked down the hall. “That’s just Abby Ruth coming in.”

  “Not that.” Sera frantically opened drawers and cabinet doors. “Your visitor badge from the prison camp. I put it in the silverware drawer, and now it’s gone.”

  Maggie raced to Sera’s side. “When did you last see it?”

  “This morning,” Sera said, panic clear in her voice.

  Maggie shoved things around. Lifting the trivets and refolding the dish towels. But no badge. She turned to Sera. “If that’s fallen into the wrong hands, and people find out about Lil…”

  “She’ll be—” Abby Ruth’s voice boomed like God from the heavens, and there wasn’t a smile line in sight, “—fit to be tied.”

  Thanks bunches for reading Collard Greens and Catfishing!

  Want more of Lil and the gals?

  * * *

  Discover what happens when they try to nab an art forger and trash thief in DEVILED EGGS AND DECEPTION.

  When a tree topples over onto Lillian’s prized 1948 Tucker Torpedo, these over-50 amateur sleuths are once again scrambling for money. Lucky for them, they have their choice of two cases, but which to take—a suspected art forgery or mysterious trash theft from the county landfill?

  * * *

  As usual, things aren’t as they first seem, and the women soon find themselves investigating by going undercover and dumpster diving to track down both bad guys.

  * * *

  Will they solve both cases in time to repair the Tucker before Lil finds out, or will their sleuthing take them down in the wreckage?

  * * *

  One-click DEVILED EGGS AND DECEPTION now!

  Recipes

  Collard Greens

  Lots of folks claim that they don’t like greens, but it’s usually because the greens either haven’t been washed well enough or they haven’t been cooked well enough. But either of these recipes will give you some delicious greens for New Years or any time of year.

  Collard Greens #1

  Ingredients

  6 bunches collard greens

  1 extra-large smoked meaty ham hock (the meat will fall right off the hock while you’re cooking and make a pretty red and green and the best pot liquor/likker you’ve ever tasted)

  Water (or chicken broth)

  2 tablespoons granulated sugar

  1 tablespoon baco
n grease (Go ahead and plan on making bacon and eggs for breakfast so you have the bacon grease you need. Or if you’re a true Southern gal, you’ll have a jar or can of bacon grease stashed around your kitchen somewhere!)

  1 tablespoon seasoned salt

  2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

  2 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

  ½ to 1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes – pick your heat level

  ¼ teaspoon garlic powder

  ¼ teaspoon paprika

  ¼ cup finely chopped onion

  Directions

  Start by dunking your greens in a sink of cool water to remove the grit. If you have one, you can also use a salad spinner, but you’ll have to wash and spin in batches. Don’t skip this step. Don’t nobody like gritty greens!

  Tear greens away from the thick middle stems. If you don’t, your greens will have to cook longer and those stems are tough! Take a hand full of greens, roll them up and tear the rolls horizontally into small pieces.

  Add your ham hock to a large pot along with enough water or broth to fully submerge the ham hock, then cover with a lid. Cook over medium high heat for about 45 minutes or until ham hock is near being tender.

  Once ham hock is almost tender, add greens and about 4-5 additional cups of water or enough to just barely cover greens to the pot. This broth will become your pot liquor. Collard greens cook way down, so just keep cooking and cramming them into your pot.

  Add the rest of the ingredients to the pot and cook while covered for at least 2 hours or until completely tender. Most water should have evaporated by this point just having enough to barely cover the greens.

  Collard Greens #2

  Ingredients

  2 tablespoons olive oil or butter

  1 large onion, chopped

  1+ teaspoons red pepper flakes

  1-2 cloves garlic, chopped or crushed

  Bunch of collard greens (just eyeball it)

  Ham, precooked (however much you have - the more, the better! You want to use ham-ham here, not lunch meat stuff)

  3+ cups of chicken or vegetable stock

  1-2 cans of Ro-tel (to your heat preference)

  Salt and Pepper

  Directions

  Prep your greens by washing them like crazy. You can dunk them in the sink or use a salad spinner. Just be sure to get all that grit out!

  In a Dutch oven or large skillet, heat your oil or butter on medium heat. Saute onions a few minutes or until soft, then add the garlic and red pepper flakes. Continue to cook until garlic is golden but not burnt.

  Add your collard greens and saute them a tad. They won’t cook down much here. We’re just trying to get them a little soft.

  This next bit is tricky, so be sure you are using a big ol’ pan or pot from the get-go! You can either add the broth or the ham at this point. It’s easier to sink the ham if the broth is already in the pot.

  Once both the broth and ham are in the pot, toss in however much Ro-tel suits your fancy. Cover and cook your greens until they’re tender, usually 60 to 80 minutes. Once the greens are cooked, add salt and pepper to taste.

  Southern Fried Catfish

  Although the gals in Summer Shoals, Georgia, aren’t too crazy about catfishers on the internet, they do love them some fried catfish. Serve these up with some hand-cut fries, tartar sauce, and a mess of hushpuppies. As Abby Ruth would say, this is “slap your grandma” good!

  Ingredients

  ½ cup buttermilk

  ½ cup chicken broth

  Salt and pepper, to taste

  1 pound catfish fillets, cut in strips

  1 ½ cups fine cornmeal

  ½ cup all-purpose flour

  1 teaspoon seafood seasoning, such as Old Bay™

  Oil (one that’ll handle the challenges of deep frying)

  Directions

  In a small bowl, mix buttermilk, chicken stock, salt, and pepper. Pour mixture into a casserole dish large enough to hold the fillets. Spread fish in one layer, turning to coat each side. Set aside to marinate.

  In a large resealable plastic bag, combine the cornmeal, flour, and seafood seasoning.

  Place a few catfish pieces at a time into the dry mixture, and tumble gently to coat evenly. If you’re cookin’ up more than a pound of fish, you can use a brown paper bag to coat them. Don’t get too rambunctious with the shaking, or you’ll end up with catfish nuggets!

  Heat oil in a deep fryer or heavy cast iron skillet to 365 degrees.

  Deep fry fillets until golden brown, about 3 minutes. Avoid overcrowding so the catfish has room to brown properly. Fish should be slightly crisp outside, and moist and flaky inside. Drain on paper bags.

  Nanoo’s Moon Cake (aka Abby Ruth’s birthday cake)

  This is a scrum-diddly-umptious cake that honestly doesn’t usually look all that pretty. But it is the preferred birthday cake in Abby Ruth’s family (and Kelsey’s). Bake this chocolate slab o’ love, and then stand back and watch everyone lose their minds. On second thought, when you bake this cake, cut a big piece for yourself and hide it before telling anyone it’s ready!

  Cake Ingredients

  2 cups flour

  2 cups sugar

  1 teaspoon baking soda

  ½ teaspoon salt

  ¼ cup cocoa powder

  2 sticks margarine (or butter if you’re a purist)

  1 cup water

  2 eggs

  ½ cup buttermilk (Don’t keep buttermilk in the house? A great solution is to buy powdered buttermilk. You’ll find it on the baking aisle. Once you open the powder, you do have to keep it in the fridge. Then it can be used for all sorts of goodies from cornbread to biscuits to homemade ranch dressing.)

  1 teaspoon vanilla

  Topping Ingredients

  1/4 cup cocoa

  6 tablespoons evaporated milk (Not regular milk. I don’t know why, but don’t mess with perfection, people!)

  1/2 cup margarine (or butter)

  1 pound confectioner's sugar

  Pinch of salt

  1 teaspoon vanilla

  Pecans, chopped (No worries about measuring precisely, but Abby Ruth would pitch a fit if there was less than a cup)

  Cake Directions

  Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.

  Sift flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt into a large bowl. Don’t have a sifter? A sieve will do as well, but your cake will be better if you get the lumps outta your dry ingredients.

  In a saucepan on the stove, combine cocoa, margarine, and water. Bring to boil, stirring constantly. You want all those lumps out of the cocoa powder. Remove from heat and pour over dry ingredients.

  Beat with a hand mixer at highest speed until well mixed.

  Then add eggs, buttermilk, and vanilla. Beat well.

  Pour (batter will be thin) into a greased and floured 13”x9”x2" baking pan. Or better yet, “flour” the pan with cocoa powder. Prettier and tastier!

  Bake for about 20 minutes or until done. The cake should be moist in the center but not wet.

  While the cake is baking, make your cocoa topping.

  Frosting Directions

  In saucepan, combine cocoa, milk, and margarine/butter.

  Bring to boil, stirring constantly (seriously don’t let this outta your sight. It can scorch and stick to the bottom of the pan lickety split!)

  Boil for 1 minute.

  Keep warm and add sifted confectioner's sugar, salt, and vanilla.

  Stir well (definitely don’t want lumpy icing!) and pour over slightly cooled cake.

  Sprinkle with nuts.

  Try not to sit down with a fork and eat the entire cake all by your lonesome.

  Maggie’s Special Iced Tea

  When Maggie and the gals have a hard day (or a celebration), they turn to Maggie’s special iced tea recipe. It’s sweet taste with a kick tends to soothe any troubles or make a good day just that much better. Oh, and if you’re tempted to leave the “special” outta this tea, then please note that it’ll still taste prett
y darn good, but it won’t be Maggie’s tea!

  Maggie recommends a glass jug for this recipe, but heck, use what’cha got, people!

  Ingredients

  3 family-sized tea bags (or 10 regular-sized tea bags)

  Water

  1½ cups sugar

  A bit of “special” - either bourbon or Irish whiskey. Maggie’s been known to enjoy some Crown Royal, but Abby Ruth is solidly in the Jameson camp.

  Directions

  Place the tea bags into a gallon-size glass jug (or whatever you have on hand).

  Boil up your water (a tad less than a gallon because you’ll be adding in some sugar and some “special”).

  Once the water has come to a full rolling boil, gently pour it over the tea bags in your jug.

  Let the whole shebang steep for about 3-5 minutes, depending on how strong you like your tea. Maggie prefers it strong, so she goes the whole 5 minutes.

  Stir it up a bit and then remove the tea bags. Use a slotted spoon, or a wooden spoon if you want to wrap the tea bag strings around it and squeeze all the liquid out.

  Toss in about a cup and a half of sugar and stir until dissolved.

  Chill the tea in the fridge for as long as you can stand it. Once the tea is cool, add the “special” one jigger at a time until you’re satisfied with the taste and strength.