War Orphans (The Terra Nova Chronicles)

by Robert Dean Hall

  “Maybe,” Russo said. “I don’t know. In the state of mind I was in I couldn’t tell you what I might have been capable of. They certainly named that Apathy shit appropriately. I barely had the will to pull the needle out of my thigh once the injector went off.”

  “I should move you to the hospital,” Morning Grass said. “You need to be watched over.”

  “You’ll do no such thing. I came here and locked myself in to be alone. I was doing just fine until you barged in on me. Don’t you think I can take care of myself?”

  “I have my doubts at the moment. What you’ve just done could be interpreted any number of ways.”

  “Let me clarify, then,” Russo said. “I came back to this shuttle loathing myself. After an hour or so of that, I decided I didn’t want to loathe myself any longer. Given the only readily apparent options I could come up with at the time, I believe I chose the more sensible and courageous course of action, wouldn’t you say? I definitely don’t feel that self-loathing right now, although I suspect it will return once the dart wears off, and bring one hell of a headache with it.”

  Russo feebly squeezed Morning Grass’ hand. “Please go,” she requested. “I was never going to harm myself. I swear. I only need to be alone for a while.”

  Morning Grass pulled Russo’s bedclothes down and inspected the passion marks she and Teacher inflicted the previous night. Just as she suspected, Russo had not tended to any of them. Some still bled. The rest were closing, but needed cleaning.

  “I’ll leave you alone, but only if you allow me to patch you up a bit first,” Morning Grass demanded.

  “Suit yourself. Heaven forbid I should decide not to kill myself only to die later of cat scratch fever.”

  “I won’t dignify that with an answer,” Morning Grass replied. It struck her as funny but she didn’t dare laugh out loud. She suspected Russo’s sarcasm was not meant to be hurtful, but she wasn’t certain. Morning Grass saw the irony, however, and silently gave thanks she did not have to suffer the greater irony that would have come if Russo had decided the passion marks were indeed something she couldn’t live with.

  “How can you stand to look at me after all this,” Russo asked. “I’ve said and done some awful things to you.”

  “Because I love you,” Morning Grass replied. “Even if I didn’t, you haven’t done anything unforgivable. I could ask the same of you. How can you continue to defend me after the awful things I’ve done? Some of which are most assuredly unforgivable.”

  “You weren’t yourself when you injured Lowell,” Russo said. “That incident was unforeseeable.”

  “Are you suggesting that you’re in your right mind at the moment,” Morning Grass asked. “Are you telling me you believe your desire for Teacher is something you could have consciously avoided? I don’t think you’re being honest. Not with me and certainly not with yourself.”

  “I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Russo said while Morning Grass collected what she needed to tend to the wounds from various cabinets. “I know how this looks, but I wouldn’t have hurt myself.”

  “Maybe not, Dawn Marie,” Morning Grass said, “but, don’t be upset with me for believing you had been so foolish when I found you lying there. I’m still shaking. If you had done something that took you away from me, I could never forgive myself. I still may not forgive myself for hurting you or letting you come back here on your own. I knew better.”

  “I was never going to kill myself this morning and I won’t ever try again,” Russo said. “I’m past that now. Please, believe me. I’m sure of it.”

  Morning Grass knelt back down beside Russo. “How are you so sure,” she asked as she started dabbing Russo’s lacerations with antiseptic. “You just told me barely a minute ago you’d been thinking about it.”

  “I didn’t act on it, though,” Russo replied.

  “You’ve done something just as desperate. When these supplies are inventoried and they find that dart has been dispensed, somebody will have to explain why. You know better than anyone how much more serious the consequences will be if you tell them you used it on yourself.”

  “Are you telling me you think I would be better off dead,” Russo asked. “Come to think of it, I certainly wouldn’t have to concern myself with another scolding from the brass.”

  “A cry for help is a cry for help, Dawn Marie,” Morning Grass said. “You must have something you desperately want to say; to someone or anyone.”

  “Perhaps you’re right,” Russo replied.

  “You have my attention,” Morning Grass said as she placed butterfly bandages on one of the larger of Russo’s gashes.

  “I know we’ve never spoken about it, but has anyone told you why I tried to kill myself,” Russo asked.

  “No,” Morning Grass said. “It slipped out in passing that you tried when Haley and I were talking about something else, but she didn’t offer any details. Until that time, I never even knew about it. I promise you we’ve not been talking behind your back.”

  “I wasn’t suggesting anything,” Russo replied. “I was only asking if you knew.”

  “Don’t feel you have to tell me. If you have a need to share, I’ll listen gladly, but you don’t owe me an explanation.”

  Only Russo’s strong personality could move her to talk so much under the influence of the tranquilizer dart that was designed to rob a person of the desire to do anything more than breathe. “You need to know and I need to tell you. Maybe it will help you understand some things.”

  “I hope it will.”

  “I met my ex-husband when I was in pre-med,” Russo said. “His name was Alex and he was beautiful. He was very tall and all muscle. He was athletic, but he was also very intelligent.”

  “I’m sure it was love at first sight for you both.”

  “I was barely five-foot-nothing and bookish,” Russo said. “I had laser eye surgery later to qualify for the Marines, but at that time I was horribly near-sighted and wore thick spectacles. I could also never do anything becoming with this damned hair.” Russo blew at the curly dark bangs that had fallen into her eyes. “I looked like a child next to all my other classmates. I took a few courses with him, but he never looked my way. He was always surrounded by leggy amazons. I resented them so much.”

  Morning Grass chuckled. “I think I see a pattern forming you may not be aware of,” she said, not meaning for Russo to take her quip seriously.

  “I’m fully aware of it and it bothers me terribly. The similarities are unflattering and don’t end there.”

  “I didn’t mean it to sound that way,” Morning Grass said. “I’m sorry, I won’t interrupt again.”

  “I spent two years, doing everything I could think of to get him to notice me,” Russo said. “When I look back on it now, I feel so silly. If I had been a fly and he’d swatted me, it would have been more attention than I was able to get during that time.”

  “As beautiful as you are, I find that hard to believe,” Morning Grass said. She remembered that she had promised not to interrupt, but couldn’t keep from saying something. “Your efforts must have had some effect on him if he asked you to marry him.”

  “I would like to think so,” Russo said, “but, I’m certain they didn’t. It was something entirely different and unforeseeable. One night we ended up at the same party, both drunk off our asses. It was the damnedest thing too, because I was rarely invited to parties at all. He spent most of the night off by himself. I don’t know why. Beautiful women always covered him like flies. I didn’t think I’d ever get another chance to speak to him. I went for broke.”

  Tears formed in Russo’s eyes. She put forth the gargantuan effort needed to lift her hand and place it on top of the hand Morning Grass wasn’t using to dab antiseptic. Morning Grass took the hand and gave it an understanding squeeze.

  “I can’t tell you exactly what happened that night because I don’t remember everything,” Russo said tearfully, “but, somehow I woke up beside him the next morning. I do r
emember I was determined that night to let him know how I felt. I wanted him so much.”

  “You must have made quite an impression if you ended up mated,” Morning Grass said, not really knowing what she could say.

  “I ended up pregnant,” Russo said. “Impressions aside we were both raised Catholic. Terminating the pregnancy was something I refused to do and he wasn’t about to let the child grow up without a father.”

  “But you don’t have any children,” Morning Grass blurted out quickly. She then stopped to think about it. “Do you?”

  “No. It was an ectopic pregnancy. I was called back after my first prenatal. Alex was with me when they told me they would need to terminate. I expected him to distance himself from me afterward, but he didn’t.”

  Morning Grass wiped Russo’s eyes when she realized Russo would not be able do it herself.

  “He told me he loved me, but I never got a strong sense that he did,” Russo said. “I often wondered why he stayed with me after that when he could have had anyone he wanted.”

  “I can understand the attraction,” Morning Grass said.

  Russo talked on as if she hadn’t heard Morning Grass speak. “I would have died for him, though. I might have even killed for him. I wanted him that badly.” She tried to pull her hand away from Morning Grass.

  Morning Grass refused to release the hand and squeezed it even tighter. “Please stop torturing yourself, Dawn Marie. You don’t have to justify anything to me.”

  “I’m not,” Russo said. “I only want you to know.” She stopped fighting against Morning Grass’ grasp and continued. “I was never as happy as I was on our wedding day. Nothing worthwhile has ever come to me without a struggle, so you can imagine the joy I felt when I saw my fondest dream coming true. Our life together was so good. I don’t remember either of us ever being cross with the other, until I tried to get pregnant again. We both wanted children.”

  Morning Grass began to cry with Russo. “That is a pain I can definitely understand.”

  “I had another ectopic pregnancy,” Russo said. “I had endometriosis and the scarring was so bad they couldn’t use drugs to force my body to abort. The fallopian tube had to be removed with the fetus. The other tube was completely blocked and they told me it was in my best interest to have it removed also. I was a resident by then and even though I wasn’t an OB/GYN, I knew they were right.”

  “But, you have options, don’t you,” Morning Grass asked. “You have healthy ovaries and a womb.”

  “There was always the possibility they could harvest eggs,” Russo replied. “In vitro fertilization and implantation was a good option. Alex knew that, but he left before we could try. He told me it seemed we were never meant to have children and he just walked away.”

  Russo’s words again stung Morning Grass. She thought back to the conversation she had with Teacher earlier that morning. “I’m so sorry, Dawn Marie. I don’t know what I would ever do if Teacher left me. I’ve never met your Alex, but I can tell you he isn’t worthy of you.”

  “Peggy told me that, too,” Russo said. “Those were the first words out of her mouth once they revived me. Right after she asked me what in Hell I was thinking. I knew she was right, but I was so weary. I fought so hard and hoped so much.”

  As strong as the Apathy in Russo’s system was, it couldn’t keep her from wailing as she thought about the loss of her ex-husband. “The ink on our divorce papers wasn’t even dry when he re-married. His bride got pregnant on their honeymoon. My aunt hyper-mailed me when she found the birth announcement in the news. It was just too much for me to take.”

  Russo attempted to pull her hand away from Morning Grass once more. This time Morning Grass relented. She took the opportunity to brush Russo’s hair back from her eyes and dab them with a tissue to remove the tears that were pooling again.

  “This explains so much,” Morning Grass said. She paused to think over all that Russo had shared with her. “I never had any idea.”

  “I want to believe I’m wiser than I was,” Russo cried, “but, it’s obvious now I’ve been self-delusional. Can you and Teacher ever forgive me? I’ve been so jealous of what you have.” Russo’s voice trailed off into a whisper. “I’ve yearned for it more than I can ever say.”

  Morning Grass pulled the limp Russo up from the cot and held her. Russo could not caress her in return.

  “If you need to hear the words, then I’ll say them, even though I know I’ve hurt you much more than you believe you’ve hurt me. I forgive you Dawn Marie, and I love you. Teacher would say the same if he were here, but I can’t imagine anything he would resent you for.”

  Morning Grass lay Russo back down and covered her with the linens after giving her a motherly kiss on the cheek. She brushed the bangs from Russo’s eyes once more. “I don’t know where we go from here, Dawn Marie, but I want to put last night behind us. Can you ever forgive me?”

  “I forgave you hours ago,” Russo said.

  “Before or after the dart,” Morning Grass asked.

  Part VIII—Unintended Consequences

  Chapter 64

  10-March-2410

  Still Water opened the door tentatively. “Reporting as ordered, Colonel,” she said, peeking through.

  “Yes, Cadet,” Zheng replied. “Please have a seat.”

  Still Water entered the office and sat across from Zheng. He noticed she still carried around the worn satchel from which she had produced the journal. He had often seen her without the regulation shoulder bag distributed to every cadet upon arrival, but he’d never seen her without the satchel.

  Zheng had also seen a sudden change in Still Water since he’d last spoken to her privately. It might only have been that she took his request for her to conform to expectations to heart, but he couldn’t escape the suspicion there was something more.

  Since the cadet had given the journal to Zheng she had turned back into the exemplary student she was in the previous term. She produced the expected answers and analyses on all quizzes and tests. She had also proven she’d been listening to Zheng’s lectures, and the information had taken hold, by her treatment of her extra credit assignments. Sadly, she was still at a deficit without the requested exception.

  As Still Water sat across from Zheng, he pondered the situation he was in. He wanted to give her the opportunity for a passing grade in his class, but he was afraid it would be impossible for him justify a reference exception without some corroborating evidence that this was indeed a genuine journal written by General Morning Grass.

  “I must admit this journal is as you represented it, Cadet,” Zheng said. “It’s a much more personal account of conditions during the early colonization period than anything I’ve read. I am afraid, however, that much of it is too fantastic to be considered as anything more than fiction.”

  “It’s the truth as my ancestor lived it,” Still Water said. “Are you saying she fabricated some or all of her story, Colonel, Sir?”

  “I’m only telling you most of the authorities on feline history will dismiss it as impossible to substantiate,” Zheng said. “They will point out that much of this account is romanticized and some details could possibly be exaggerated.”

  “To what end,” Still Water asked. “What reason would General Morning Grass have to exaggerate any of her accomplishments, or the conditions of her everyday life for that matter? Certainly her rise to an office in the early Central Government would seem more legend than historical side note. She was after all, the first feline to become Surgeon General, and that only after she turned eighty years old. ”

  “I don’t believe she would have had reason to exaggerate anything,” Zheng replied. “That’s why most scholars will dismiss this journal as apocryphal. It conflicts with much of the canon that’s already been established around her. They will want to say this is a forgery and was written after her death.”

  “Certainly you have samples of the general’s handwriting,” Still Water said.

  “There ar
e many examples of her signature available but most of her notes were transcribed by computer,” Zheng said. “Even if I could do a comparison with the handwriting in this journal, it wouldn’t be enough to prove that the journal was genuine.”

  “I swear to you this journal is genuine and it isn’t an exaggeration of the truth, Colonel, Sir,” Still Water said after thinking about her choice of a response for a moment. “I would be willing to testify to its authenticity under oath, if required.”

  Upon hearing Still Water’s response, Zheng paused. It was apparent to him now this journal and its authentication was only a small part of something that the cadet considered of universal importance to the felines. Just to get the text included as required reading would be of great benefit in and of itself, but Zheng now felt Still Water had motives she wasn’t sharing.

  “I’m sure you’re convinced of that, Cadet,” Zheng replied. “However, your belief in the origins of this journal would be seen as faith in what you’ve been told about it. You were not a party to its creation. What I need is a piece of evidence tying the accounts put forth in this journal to General Morning Grass that is incontrovertible.”

  “So, you have little hope this journal will end up on the reading list,” Still Water asked.

  “I have little hope that I can even justify your exception,” Zheng answered. “I have no reason to doubt your sincerity, Cadet Still Water, but extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”

  Still Water sat silently across from Zheng. He was a busy man, but not too busy to give her the long moment of consideration she took before answering.

  Still Water frowned, and then closed her eyes. She opened her satchel and reached inside. “I have something else that I would like to offer you, Colonel, Sir.” She pulled out a small cube and placed it on the desk.

  Chapter 65

  19-August-2210

  On board the SS Neil A. Armstrong.

  “You will not say anything about the night before last, Morning Grass,” Russo said as the pair walked to Stiles’ office from the shuttle bay. “Maybe it’s time for me to go back to Earth. I don’t think we can stop it, either way. There is no sense in you throwing away your new life and possibly endangering Teachers’ as well.”