Level Up

by Craig Anderson

  As the three of us ascend in the lift I say, “Just act natural. I’ll see if I can get Jenkins out of the building and away from innocent people.”

  The lift doors open and a photocopier flies towards me. I roll out of the way as it crashes into the back wall of the lift.

  “Looks like they are expecting us.”

  We step out of the lift and they are all waiting for us. Brad, Jim and Cindy. They form a line between us and Jenkins office, like a football team trying desperately to block a free kick. They are all level 20, with the weedy health bars to go with it.

  I smile. “Hey team. I don’t suppose you fancy moving out of the way?”

  Cindy steps forward. “We know what you’re doing and we can’t let it happen. If you want to get to Jenkins, you’ll have to go through us.”

  “Fine by me.” I turn to Carlos and Sarah. “I have a few long standing issues I would like to resolve with my team, why don’t you two take five.”

  Carlos nods but Sarah looks worried. “There are three of them, are you sure you’ll be ok?”

  “You have my blessing to step in if things get bad. Here, please hold on to these for me.” I hand over Showstopper and my pistols. I don’t want to make it too easy and besides, these are the kinds of issues that need to be resolved with bare hands.

  Jim is the first one to rush me. It’s the most enthusiastic I have ever seen him. He takes a wild swing and I step out of the way, sticking my foot out to sweep his legs. He crashes hard into the cubicle wall behind me, knocking it over. I can’t capitalize though, Brad has picked up two staplers. I hold my hands up in the air. “Oh no. Please, don’t shoot.” He squeezes one of them and a staple flies out at surprising speed, narrowly missing me. He grins and points them both at me as staples fill the air. I roll under the blizzard of spiky metal and get close enough to take a swing at him. He evades, so I swing again, and he dodges again. Of course his evasion skill is high, he’s been avoiding work for months. I try a flurry of kicks. The first couple miss, but the last three connect, whittling away most of his health bar. He starts to plead with me, “Wait, please don’t. I didn’t mean to leave you high and dry like that.”

  I almost fall for it, but I see that he’s reloading the staplers behind his back. He swings them back around to face me and I duck under the shots and flaming uppercut him into the roof. He gets stuck in the roof tiles, his legs kicking frantically.

  I turn to find Jim storming towards me again, his upper body covered in staples, tiny red blotches forming on his white shirt. He looks pissed. He scoops up the photocopier and holds it above his head. I slide a pie along the floor just as he steps forward, ready to throw. He steps in it and his leg goes from under him, tossing the photocopier up into the air as he lands on his back. It lands with a crash on his head and he’s out of the count. Two down, one to go.

  As usual Cindy was happy for the others to do her dirty work. Now she’s all alone. She smiles at me smugly. “I can’t wait to kick your arse. Then we’ll know who really deserves that promotion.”

  She moves effortlessly into a fighting stance and darts at me, her leg flying. I duck, sidestep and roll just in time. She’s a lot faster than I was expecting. She says, “Surprised? Five years of boxer-cise.” She is dancing on the spot to a beat that only she can hear. She picks up a handful of highlighters, throwing them like darts. I snatch them out of the air one by one.

  She tries again, punches flailing, but it’s as if she is moving in slow motion. She is all bark and no bite. That’s when I realize the truth. She always has been. I have spent the last year being afraid of her, when I should have been feeling sorry for her.

  I could end this with one punch, but I hesitate. She laughs and says, “what’s the matter, afraid to hit a girl?”

  “Actually, I recently got over that particular fear. However, I’m still not sure it would be right for me to hit you.”

  She smirks, ready to attack again, but I say, “Luckily, this desk doesn’t have those same reservations.”

  The puzzled look on her face is priceless. “What?”

  Her desk flies over a little quicker than I planned, knocking her out cold in one glance and showering her with pens and highlighters.

  Perfect fight! +100 EXP

  Carlos pats me on the back. “Looks like you enjoyed that.”

  “Yeah I got a few things off my chest. There’s still one more person I need to deal with.” I glance over at Jenkins office.

  Sarah says, “Want some backup?”

  “I don’t know yet. Let’s see what we’re dealing with. Be ready for anything.”

  I stroll over to Jenkins office and pound on the door. After a few seconds I hear, “come in.”

  I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t Jenkins in a power suit. He looks ridiculous, like a dog wearing a tuxedo. I’m ready for a fight, but he sees me and says, “Nice of you to show up for work today Marcus.”

  “Yes, well, I had to work through a few things. We need to talk.”

  “I am in the middle of something. Put something in my calendar for later in the week.”

  “I’m afraid it has to be now. It’s important.”

  He adjusts his tie. “I decide what is important around here, not you. I’m docking you a weeks pay as punishment for your behaviour. Now get back to work.”

  “I’m afraid that’s not going to be possible. I quit.”

  Stick up for yourself - 4 of 4 Fears conquered. 100% complete.

  There’s a momentary flash of panic before he wrestles it under control. He knows that I do most of the work around here. Perhaps this is it, this is the final battle that I have been building up to. It was never about reaching level 50, it was about understanding my worth and not letting this petulant man child push me around. It’s a philosophical victory. How profound.

  I’m not paying attention, which is a mistake. A health bar appears above his head, far larger than any I have seen before. The title says Level 100 Middle Manager. I have barely had time to process it when he lunges at me. He moves far quicker than a man of his size should move. Before I know what is going on he scoops me up off the floor and slams me against his desk. Then he kicks open his office door, drags me up by the scruff of my hoodie, and throws me straight through the window.

  LEVEL 25: END GAME

  I hurtle towards the ground, screaming as I go. The fall damage alone from this height is likely to kill me. What a stupid way for the world to end, from a fat guy throwing me out a window. I’ve defeated Bruisers, Carnies, Football Hooligans, killer elves and a geriatric, and it’s going to be gravity that kills me.

  I’m 8ft from the ground, my teeth clenched, when Sarah appears in a puff of smoke, her arms outstretched. She catches me with little effort and I hang there in her arms like a newlywed. It goes on a little too long before she places me on the ground. “Thanks for that, I thought I was a goner.”

  “Oh you totally were.”

  How reassuring.

  I can hear Jenkins roaring above, his little piggy face glaring down at me out of the broken window. He storms towards Carlos, ready to fight. Even Carlos knows better than to take on a level 100 end game boss by himself. He fires an arrow through the closest window before running and leaping out in a swan dive. At the last moment he flips himself in the air and lands in a super hero pose, cracking the pavement and kicking up a cloud of dust. I run over. “How are you not dead?”

  He stands up casually. “What? Oh that? I maxed out my agility skill tree. I don’t take fall damage.”

  “Do you think Jenkins will come after us?”

  “Absolutely. I’ve never seen him so pissed. What did you say to him?”

  “I quit.”

  Carlos beams at me. “Finally! No wonder he’s so mad, now he might have to do some actual work.”

  I turn to both of them. “This is going to get ugly. That wasn’t normal Jenkins, it is some end boss equivalent. Who knows what tricks he has up his sleeves.”

&
nbsp; “Whatever they are, we’ll face them together.” Says Carlos.

  “We’ve got this.” Says Sarah.

  I hold my hand out and they both place theirs on top of mine.

  At least I can tick that off my bucket list before the world ends.

  “We don’t have long, he’s going to be here any moment. Here’s the plan…”

  ***

  Jenkins bursts through the fire escape doors, red and wheezing. He must have taken the stairs. If this was the real Jenkins he’d be dead already. He scans the Master Systems carpark for us, but we are all safely out of sight. We need him in the middle, where we can surround him.

  I left a little something to tempt him out into the open.

  He’s wary as he walks towards the burger lying on the ground. He picks it up and sniffs it before taking a bite. That’s the signal.

  I open fire with Agile, keeping it firmly aimed at the centre of mass. He’s a large target, so even with the recoil I manage to make most of the bullets land. It doesn’t do much damage, but it sure gets his attention. He chucks the rest of the burger on the ground and charges towards me like a wounded rhino. That’s when Carlos pops up and looses a few arrows into his back. The last one sticks and Jenkins stops to try and pull it out. That’s when Sarah appears by his side, zapping him with lightning. As he turns to swing at her she vanishes again. I try a shot with Waterfall, and that one hits too. The damage is starting to show now, not a lot, but if we can keep this up we should be able to wear him down. We just need to keep him at a distance.

  Jenkins apparently realizes the same thing. He picks up the car next to him and tosses it effortlessly at Sarah. I scream as it lands where she was standing just seconds earlier just as she blinks back into existence by my side. She says, “That was close. I can’t keep teleporting everywhere, I’ll run out of potions.”

  Carlos keeps a continuous stream of arrows flying, but Jenkins scoops up another car and uses it as a shield as he charges at Carlos’ position. Carlos only just manages to roll out of the way as the car slams into the wall behind him. I reload Agile and try to provide a distraction, but Jenkins has figured out what we are up to. He ignores the flurry of bullets and chases after Carlos, who’s slowly getting backed into the corner of the chainlink fence. In a few seconds Jenkins will have him trapped. There’s no time to think, no time to plan. It’s time to act.

  I flip on my turbo shoes and bolt past Jenkins, grabbing Carlos on the way. The extra weight slows me down, but it’s enough to drag him out of danger. I hear Jenkins roaring behind us. I drop Carlos next to Sarah and say, “It’s a good start, but we need to keep up the pressure. Let’s stay on the offensive.”

  I turn right back and sprint at Jenkins. Just as I reach him I pull out my nun chucks and run around him in a circle, flailing as I go, like a psychopathic tornado. He howls and takes swings at me, but I’m too quick. Eventually the nun chucks shatter in my hand. I’m about to dart away when he sticks his arm out like a clothesline and I run full speed into it, somersaulting across the car park and landing on the roof of a car. I’m down 90% of my HP with one hit. Not ideal, but it could be worse, I could be dead. I quickly wolf down burgers until I am back at full health.

  I flip back onto my feet and check Jenkins stats. He’s lost a little over 20% of his health and we are still in pretty good shape. We can do this.

  Sarah shouts, “Carlos, firewall.”

  She starts flinging huge fireball as Carlos makes it rain fire arrows. The flames engulf Jenkins, but he steps through them without damage. It looks like he’s immune to status effects.

  Carlos switches to normal arrows and peeks back up to fire when Jenkins flings something at him, hitting him squarely in the chest. It’s not clear from here what it is, but Carlos looks really unhappy about it. He ducks back down behind the car, but I can hear him gagging from over here while he tries to force a burger into his mouth. What could it be? For some strange reason my bullshit detector is going nuts.

  I find out why when I peek back up to see where Jenkins is. A dollop of bull shit lands on the bonnet of the car, inches from my face. The smell is wretched. Jenkins is flinging it like an angry ape, a constant stream of it. It must be his magic ability. Endless bull shit. This is going to make things harder.

  If only I had projectiles. It would be handy if there was a stack of tables in the carpark that I could put to good use.

  That’s when I realize the building behind me is stuffed to bursting with tables.

  I concentrate hard. I can feel them all, right on the edge of my powers. I don’t need many, just a handful. With a scream I coax them out of the building, raining glass as they come hurting through the windows. I concentrate them all on Jenkins, piling them on top of him. Sarah spots her opportunity and chucks a fireball in the mix, setting them on fire. Carlos fires arrows through the gaps.

  I keep dancing the tables in and out, crashing them together and pulling them apart, until my MP is completely depleted. As soon as it hits zero the tables fall to the ground and the others retreat as Jenkins picks himself up off the ground. His shirt is charred and untucked, his tie is loose and his dodgy combover is everywhere except where it is supposed to be.

  He’s down to half health. Just a little bit further. I check my inventory. Still lots of ammo for Agile, some throwing knives and several burgers. I reload and pull out both pistols. Time to get my Woo on.

  I leap through the air as a barrage of poop flies at me. I aim carefully, taking my time, going for the extra damage of the headshot. It connects just as I land and roll, but I’m still out in the open. Jenkins turns and unleashes a literal shit storm. I hold my hands in front of my face, but nothing connects. I peek over my guard to see a wall of ice infant of me, blocking the poop. I glance over and Sarah nods.

  I peek around the wall as Jenkins stalks towards me, maintaining fire, hoping to catch me stranded. If I step out I’m going to get hit, if I stay here I am a sitting duck. What’s a guy to do?

  I get ready to fight as he gets closer. I’m just going to have to hit him hard and move fast before he can counter. He lifts his arms up, ready to bring them crashing down. I’m going to have to time this perfectly.

  Carlos appears on Jenkins back, riding him rodeo style. He’s got an arrow and he is going to town back there, stabbing with one hand and clutching comb over with the other. Jenkins tries to buck him off, but he holds on tight, until Jenkins staggers away. I watch as Jenkins finally gets hold of Carlos and pulls him off his back. He holds him by his foot and slams him into a parked car, then another, before tossing him into the wall. I wait, but Carlos doesn’t get up. He’s out for the count.

  Sarah shouts, “Go revive Carlos, I will keep Jenkins busy.”

  I run over and place my hand on Carlos chest. The timer starts, its slow steady countdown betraying the urgency of the situation. I watch, helpless, as Sarah dances in between attacks, throwing ice, fire and lightning before blinking away just as Jenkins lunges for her. She has the timing down perfectly. When he steps back to throw shit at her she deflects it right back at him, giving her just enough time to get in a free hit. If anyone could wear him down, it would be her.

  Jenkins suddenly breaks off his attack. What is he doing? Sarah throws a fireball at him, but he leaps over it. At first I think he is dodging, but too late I realize it’s an attack. She tries to blink away, but it doesn’t work. She must be out of MP. She scrambles to pull out a potion as he lands on her like a beached whale. She’s knocked down immediately, the potion rolling away.

  There’s still five seconds left on Carlos’ timer, but now I’m all alone. Jenkins stalks towards me, a smug grin on his face. I’m in trouble and he knows it. If I take my hand off Carlos the timer starts again, and there’s no way I’ll get another ten seconds to revive anyone. I use my other hand to throw a few knives his way, but they barely slow him down.

  That’s when they appear. Dozens of them. They slink out of every shadow and drop down from the rooftops. T
he Black Ring is here to save their glorious leader. Jenkins hesitates, aware that he is now surrounded by a new threat. I shout, “Get him! Get Jenkins!” but none of them move.

  Nutsack appears on my shoulder. Something is definitely wrong with him, wafts of smoke are coming off him and he’s desperately trying to stay out of the sun. He points a furry paw at Jenkins and makes several squeaking sounds, and just like that the Black Ring attack. That’s when I realize I am not the leader of the Black Ring. Nutsack is.

  That explains the tree house.

  Jenkins swats away these new attackers like flies, but they keep coming. It’s all I need, a distraction. The revival timer reaches zero and Carlos sits up. He opens his eyes and says, “Did we win yet?”

  “We’re working on it. You got one last push in you?”

  “Always buddy. Always. What do you need me to do?”

  “I need your mad archery skills. We have to hit him in his weak spot.”

  “Weak spot? I don’t see a glowing red ball or gap in his armour. Where is his weak spot?”

  “Where is every guys weak spot?”

  He cringes. “Dude, that is pure evil. If it was anyone but Jenkins I’d politely decline, but for him I’ll make an exception.”

  “Think you can hit it?”

  “Well it’s an exceptionally small target, but you can rely on me.”

  “Wait for my signal.”

  I crank up the turbo shoes one last time. I dart over to Jenkins and unleash Agile on him. I follow up with a shot from Waterfall, right in the arse. He turns to swat at me, and that’s when I shout, “Now!”

  Carlos unleashes the arrow and it curves through the air. It hits Jenkins square in the crotch with a twang and his knees buckle. His face falls right into range and I hit him with a flaming uppercut. It connects with his jaw with a crack and a lone tooth comes flying out as he topples to the ground, his health bar depleted.

  We’ve done it!