Level Up

by Craig Anderson

  I rush over to Sarah and bounce on the spot as the timer counts down. When she opens her eyes I smile. “We did it. We won.”

  She looks concerned. It’s not what I was expecting. She sits up and says, “It shouldn’t be this easy.”

  There’s a noise behind me. I spin around to see Jenkins getting back to his feet. His laugh echoes off the building like a classic cartoon villain. Muscles tear through his shirt and his health balloons to a million HP. He grows to be twelve feet tall, his girth blocking out the sun. A new name appears for him. Mega Jenkins.

  He turns and stomps on the remaining Black Ring. They scatter and run, bodies flying. One hit from him was enough to finish them. That doesn’t bode well.

  We all run in different directions, peppering him with bullets and arrows. There is no noticeable effect on his health bar.

  I shout over to Carlos, “We need to focus on the weak spot again.”

  “I can try, but each arrow doesn’t do a whole lot of damage.”

  “What about your head butt special ability? That does a lot more damage.”

  “You want me to head butt him in the crotch? Are you joking me? You’re asking me to teabag myself!”

  “For the sake of the world.”

  “Urgh. This better work. Sarah, can you ice me a path to Jenkins?”

  She doesn’t ask why, she just casts her ice spell across the floor, creating a runway. Carlos starts skating towards Jenkins, going faster and faster. He’s really putting his max agility to the test.

  Mega Jenkins swings for him, but Carlos effortlessly leaps over the attack. He ducks his head and barrels head first into Jenkins crotch.

  The effect is immediate. A huge chunk of Jenkins health disappears and Sarah and I cheer.

  Then just like that, Mega Jenkins health bar fills back up. What is going on?

  Sarah shouts, “He’s regenerating health!”

  “But his health bar is already ridiculous. How are we going to beat him?”

  “Oh no! I think he has the regen bug. His health is filling up too quickly.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means we can’t win.”

  Well fudge.

  Carlos is still running back to Sarah and I when Jenkins charges up an attack. My bullshit detector goes off and I shout, “incoming!” We are all out in the open. This is going to end badly.

  The Mega Jenkins shitstorm is so much worse. Hundreds of projectiles fill the air, more than anyone could ever dodge. We are sitting ducks. That is when the world goes fuzzy again. Carlos has cast his bubble shield over Sarah and I, leaving himself completely exposed. The shitstorm knocks him down, pinning him to the ground as Jenkins whittles down his health bar. He turns to me and shouts, “You’ve got this.” Then he is gone, buried in a mound of bull shit.

  I scream and try to run out of the bubble, but Sarah holds me back. I finally stop and say, “How are we going to beat him?”

  She says, “I’m not sure we can. I am all out of MP.”

  “I guess this is it then.”

  She hugs me. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”

  “I’m sorry too. I never told you how I really felt.”

  Her hug tightens. “You did though. I just wasn’t ready to hear it. You know it’s strange, I can barely even remember my fiancee. The more I think about him, the fuzzier he becomes. All I know is that he hurt me. I didn’t want to be hurt again.”

  “I would never hurt you.”

  “I know that. You’re the guy that stopped a car chase to save a squirrel. Of course, you’re also the guy that set a Granny on fire…”

  “That was self defence!”

  We both smile, lost in the moment. Then out of nowhere Sarah leans in to kiss me. I close my eyes. It’s not exactly how I hoped we would get together, but at least I’ll get in a kiss before the end of the world.

  There’s a scream and I open my eyes to find Sarah in Jenkins’ hand. The bastard has scooped her out from the bubble shield. He grins at me. “You should have just kept your mouth shut and done as you were told. All this could have been avoided.”

  He claps his hands together and Sarah’s health bar vanishes. He tosses her over his shoulder like a discarded coffee cup. That’s when I really lose it. I fire everything I have, Agile, Waterfall, a table. He laughs as his health bar fills up instantly.

  There is no way to beat him.

  Nutsack appears on my shoulder again. He doesn’t need to die here with me. I try to shoo him away, but he turns and looks at me, with his new red eyes, and then he smiles. Something is definitely different about him. Before I can figure it out he leaps off me, no doubt to run to freedom, but then he glides right up and lands on Jenkins. Apparently my useless pet is no ordinary squirrel, he’s a flying squirrel.

  Jenkins looks down and tries to swat Nutsack away, but he darts over his shoulder and down his back. When Jenkins tries to hit him again he starts to bite. Not nibbles either, hearty bites that would strip bark off a tree. Jenkins howls and spins in a circle patting at himself, desperately trying to get the furry nuisance away. What’s most interesting is just how much damage Nutsack is doing, Jenkins has lost almost a tenth of his health bar. I wait for it to regen, but it doesn’t.

  I’m just thinking maybe Nutsack is going to win the day when Jenkins finally grabs him. He spikes my furry friend into the ground and the little guy doesn’t get back up. I use the only move I have left, I throw a cream pie at him. It hits him in the face. At least I get a chuckle before he kills me. That’s when he starts to scream. He claws at his face and starts to vomit. “Get it off me! It burns!”

  What the hell was in that cream pie? Oh right, cream! He’s lactose intolerant!

  While he’s screaming I crank the turbo shoes and run over to the other side of the carpark. Where is it, I know it is here somewhere. I find it wedged under a car tire. I pop the cork and down the potion in one go. I dash back over and start flinging pies at any exposed skin I can see, until I am all out of MP. It’s still not enough, he’s only lost 25% of his health, but at least now it stays lost.

  I watch as Nutsack jumps back to his feet and runs over to me. How is that possible? His health bar slowly fills back up to full. He suddenly has the regen skill, but how? That’s when I notice the new sharp teeth sticking out of Nutsack’s mouth. The little guy is a vampire squirrel. He must have caught it from Roger. He looks at me and points up at the sun. Confused, I hold him up and he immediately starts to smoke. That’s when I realize what he wants me to do. He is sacrificing himself so I can get the regen skill. With it I might have a chance of beating Jenkins.

  Kill the squirrel, save the world.

  He starts to smoulder and squeaks with the pain. It shouldn’t be a difficult choice, but something in me snaps. I lower Nutsack down to the ground, being careful to put him in the shadows. His health bar fills up again. He protests, but then I give him a pet, “not today little guy. I’ve lost enough friends. This is my fight, and I’m going to win it on my own terms.”

  Fudge this game. It keeps trying to make me be someone I’m not. Well it is time to start playing it my way. All I need is a plan.

  Any second now Jenkins will be back on his feet. There has to be a way to beat him. I just need to do more damage. If only there was some way to multiply my damage output.

  That’s it!

  I take off this stupid cone hat. I’m going to be needing my reflexes. I hope into the menu and respec my skill points, putting them all into the skill I need. I’ll take the 25% loss. It leaves me with no health, no strength, no offensive skills at all, but it doesn’t matter.

  Jenkins gets back to his feet. He still has 75% of his health, over 750,000 HP. With my new stats I only do 100 HP of damage per hit. If my plan works, it won’t matter.

  I draw Showstopper just as the music starts up. This isn’t orchestral, it is fast paced electronic music, fitting for the final showdown.

  Let’s dance.

  Jenkins hesitate
s. He doesn’t know how weak I am. He wants to keep me at a distance. He points his hand and gets ready to blast me. My BS detector flashes. Perfect.

  The poop flies at me. I don’t dodge, or jump or roll. I take a deep breath and parry. 20X damage appears. My new stats are working.

  Jenkins fires again and I parry. 40X damage. And again. 80X damage.

  He starts rapid firing, one after the other, boom, boom, boom. Parry, parry, parry. 740X damage.

  He goes for the kill. He fires the shit storm. Too bad for him, I’m in the zone. I can’t parry them all, most of them miss, but I get as many as I can. Showstopper whirls around like a helicopter blade, the ching sounds blurring into one long chchchchchchchchchchchchhchching. When he is done I am 5120X damage.

  It’s still not enough.

  He finally realizes what I am doing and stops firing. He only has to hit me once, and I can’t attack him yet. If I do my parry multiplier will be reset and I’m as good as dead. He’s expecting me to retreat, so instead I charge him. He takes a swing and I roll, that most basic of moves. He tries again, and again, and on the third time I stop suddenly and parry. It chings just as his strike connects. 10240X damage.

  Now’s the time. Any hit will do it, but I’ve come this far. This has to mean something. He swings at me again in desperation and I side step, hopping onto his arm. I run up it full speed and leap towards his face. Time slows down as we draw level and I see the look of fear in his eyes. I finally understand. He’s always been afraid of me, that is why he kept me down. I was never more than a threat to him. Well that ends today.

  I can do anything right now, I could draw Waterfall and shoot him point blank in the face, I could chop off his head with Showstopper, I could head butt him into next week.

  Instead I reach out and tap him on the nose with a “boop.”

  He looks confused, then relieved, then angry. That’s when the shockwave hits him. He flies across the carpark like a missile, crashing into the Master Systems building. His health bar vanishes and I see the words I have been waiting for.

  Quest Complete: Defeat the Dark Lord

  You win!

  Play again? Y/N

  I check and my health bar is still there. I’m still in the game. That means there is still time.

  Not much though. The game timer only has thirty seconds left.

  I rush over and revive Sarah. She’s barely awake when I shout, “Help me get Carlos!”

  We run over to the shit heap and start digging as the timer ticks away. I get a hand on him and the countdown starts. It is only a few seconds ahead of the timer. He wakes up and sniffs, “Where the fudge am I? Did we win?”

  2 seconds left.

  I hold my breath and select N.

  There is a ripple that expands outwards, warping reality back to its previous state. The crushed cars all leap back to their parking spaces, the glass flies back up and becomes windows, and Jenkins is back to his usual rotund self. I walk over to find him laying on the ground. “What happened? Where am I? What are you doing here? Why do you have a traffic cone on your head?”

  I laugh and take it off. It’s just a plain old traffic cone now, there’s nothing special about it.

  Jenkins scowls at me. “Shouldn’t you be in work?”

  Oh goody, I get to quit all over again. “Actually Mr. Jenkins, I’m afraid I am tendering my resignation, effective immediately.”

  “What? You can’t do that! No-one knows how to do half the stuff you do.” He scrambles to his feet and grabs me by the collar. “You can have the promotion, effective immediately.” He looks desperate.

  I shrug his hands off me and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested. You had your chance. You should give it to Cindy. Goodbye Jenkins.”

  He’s still screaming at me when I turn and walk away. I don’t have time to listen to any more of his nonsense.

  I’m heading back over to Sarah when there is a familiar scratching on my leg. I look down to see Nutsack clinging to me. He’s back to his tatty self, mange and all. I stop walking and say, “I couldn’t have done it without you buddy.”

  He runs up my leg and straight up into my hood.

  What the hell, I always wanted a pet.

  I get back to Carlos and Sarah. Carlos says, “I really need a shower.”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  Sarah says, “I really need new clothes.”

  “No, you don’t.” I lean in and kiss her. I wait to see if she pushes me away, but she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close. It’s everything I hoped it would be.

  Carlos says, “About bloody time!”

  LEVEL 26: AFTER THE CREDITS

  I walk in the front door. My Mum takes one look at me and starts screaming, “Where in the bloody hell have you been young man? I have been worried sick! What on earth are you wearing?”

  I run over and hug her as hard as I can. “It’s nice to have you back Mum.”

  “It’s those video games isn’t it, that’s what you’ve been doing. I told you they were bad for you.”

  “Actually, I think I’m going to be taking a break from games for a while.”

  “A break? But you love games.”

  “Yeah, I played a tough one recently and it has put me off them. Besides, I have a girlfriend now.”

  If Mum didn’t look shocked before, she does now. “A girlfriend? When? Who?”

  “She’s right outside, you should come and meet her.”

  Mum immediately forgets she is mad at me. She follows me out of the front door to find Carlos and Sarah sitting in the Mustang. Sarah gets out, still in her chain mail bikini and says, “Nice to meet you Mrs. Kennedy. Apologies for my outfit, we were at a fancy dress party and I haven’t had a chance to get changed yet.”

  Mum turns to me and smiles. “Well this is a lovely surprise.”

  I feel a scratch on my neck and Mum shrieks. “What is that in your hood?”

  “Oh, that’s Nutsack. He’s my new pet.”

  “There is no way we are having a squirrel living in the house!”

  “Yeah, about that. I have my own place now. It’s a long story. I promise I will fill you in once I have had a chance to figure it all out myself. But don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about the mortgage. I have a few items in my new house that I will be selling to avid collectors that should more than make up what you have left to pay.”

  Mum stares at me, astounded. “Did you win the lottery, or did Jenkins finally give you that promotion?”

  “Actually, I don’t work there anymore. I quit this morning.”

  “Quit? You can’t quit. You need that job. Carlos, can you please talk some sense into him.”

  He waves from the passenger seat. “Sorry Mrs. K, no can do. Marcus has earned himself a holiday. We’ve been through a lot. You know I had to go two whole days without saying fu..”

  “Carlos! Language.” She turns her attention back to me. “So what are you going to do now?”

  I grab Sarah and kiss her for an inappropriate amount of time. When I finally come up for air I smile and say, “Sarah and I have some catching up to do.”

  There’s one item left in my inventory, I mean pocket, that I’m still hoping I might get to use.

  I’ll be sure to thank Charles if I ever see him again.

  GAME OVER

  EPILOGUE: DOUBLE OR NOTHING

  Begin Encrypted Quantum Tunnel.

  Connection Secured.

  Chat link established.

  PJ: Seriously, what are we supposed to be doing? This new AI fixes bugs before I even know they exist.

  MK: We are just here to babysit. Like how old fashioned cars had steering wheels way past the point they needed them because all the old farts wouldn’t trust the computer to drive for them.

  PJ: Yeah my son bought one of those vintage Teslas. He swears by it, uses the pedals and everything. Kids these days!

  MK: A couple more years and they won’t need us any more. How’s your pension?

 
PJ: Don’t ask. My doc says he will have to euthanize me on my 120th birthday if I can’t boost my contributions. Is yours any better?

  MK: It will be when you pay up on our Super Bowl CLVI bet.

  PJ: How much was that again?

  MK: One bitcoin.

  PJ: Shut up, that was a week ago, when one bitcoin was a beer. There’s no way I am giving you a months wages.

  PJ: 2 months

  PJ: 3 weeks

  PJ: Ok, I give up. I’ll pay you back when the market crashes again.

  MK: Oh no you don’t. I need that money now. Pay up.

  PJ: Double or nothing.

  MK: Urgh, I don’t know why I keep betting with you. You never pay.

  PJ: It’s something to do. Seriously, let’s make it interesting. I’ll make it fun for you. You like that new VR game with all the knights and magic and stuff right? The one that’s in beta.

  MK: I do. So what?

  PJ: I found a way to merge it with a branch of the simulation…

  MK: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND! The AI will find that in seconds and you’ll be out of a job. You won’t even make it to 110. Your wife will remarry some smoking hot 90 year old that your kids will have to call Dad.

  PJ: Have a little faith will you. I’m running it on the backup backup server, which the AI only checks once a week. I’ve been messing around with it in my spare time, you should check it out.

  MK: Don’t the virtuals reject the new rules? Whenever we try and change something they always crash. They are so temperamental.

  PJ: I found a way around it. I have managed to convince them that they are still in the real world, but the real world is broken. They genuinely believe what is happening to them. No desyncs at all in my last QA test. I just need to roll it out to the full server.

  MK: Ok, now you’ve got me interested. Send me the link, but if anyone asks I’m denying this conversation ever happened.

  ***

  MK: This is actually pretty cool. I like how you’re merging the two rule sets. Very clever. I still don’t get what this has to do with our bet though.

  PJ: Simple. You just have to get one of the virtuals to win the game.