Chasing Memories

by Adriana Law

“Death”

  “Empty”

  “Guilt”

  “Pointless”

  “Loss”

  “Mother”

  “Dependable”

  “Car.”

  “Strength”

  “Love”

  “Okay, Virginia. Now close your eyes and practice your breathing techniques. Listen to the silence, become comfortable with it. Breathe it into your body. Exhale the tension from within…”

  “Disappointment”

  “Virginia”

  “Control”

  “Illness”

  “Respect”

  “Loss”

  “Family”

  “Tragic”

  “Death”

  “Permanent”

  “Guilt”

  “Lizzie”

  “Loss”

  “Grief”

  “Dependable”

  “Disappointment”

  “Strength”

  “Chase”

  Virginia woke to a wet cheek. Cooper’s warm tongue flicked out over her skin. He was whimpering, begging for attention. The clock beside her bed said noon. She leapt from the bed and went straight to her closet.

  “What are you doing?” Brandon asked.

  Empty hangers swung on the rod that stretched the length of her closet. Virginia jerked more of her clothes free, tossing them in to the open suitcase balanced on top of her bed. Her bare feet squeaked over hardwood floors as she moved quickly around the room gathering her belongings in a fit of desperation.

  “I’m getting the hell out of here,” she answered.

  “What? No. You just came home.”

  “I shouldn’t have. This place makes me insane.” She paused in her packing. “I need to ask you something, Brandon … have I been seeing a shrink?”

  Brandon chuckled. “Nah, but you probably need to.”

  “It’s not funny. I’m being serious. Look at how bad I’m shaking. I don’t like feeling this way.” She held her unsteady hands out for him to see.

  Brandon collapsed down on the corner of her bed. Cooper crawled into his lap. Brandon sighed and petted the puppy. ““What did you do? Tell me you didn’t hook up with Chase. Will you ever learn?”

  “He got me a puppy,” she announced with out-stretched hands as if it were a surprise. The surprise had already gotten comfortable on Brandon’s lap and was going to sleep. Virginia had no idea puppies slept so much. Cooper napped more than her.

  “Let me guess. Dad let you keep him because of who gave it to you. I warned you … Chase is messed up.”

  “I know. Tell that to my heart, Brandon.” A cry escaped before she could clamp a hand over her mouth.

  She could sense his disappointment and it killed her. “There are two sides of him. There is the side that I know is unpredictable … but there is also the sweet damaged side that makes me want to protect him and make him feel loved.” Her fingers massaged her temples. “God, he is making me crazy. I can’t stay here.”

  His gaze went to the suitcase. “So you’re just going to abandon me … and mom?”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t stay here. Maybe if you tell dad how you feel he’ll finally listen. God knows I’ve tried.”

  Brandon cast his eyes at the floor and frowned. “I doubt it. I don’t even think he remembers he has an actual son. Do you still believe me? About Chase Or has he brainwashed you too?”

  “Of course I believe you. I know what my head is saying … I just can’t … I can’t be around him and not want him.”

  He set Cooper on the bed and stood up, his hands disappearing in the pockets of his khaki shorts. “I’m sorry, Vee, if choose to be with him I can’t accept it.”

  “I’m not. That’s why I’m going.

  He lifted his cap and dropped it back in place as he moved toward the door. Before leaving he paused in the doorway, never turning around to look at her. “Call sometime. Don’t just disappear.”

  Virginia could already feel the tension easing in her body as she zipped the suitcase and gave her bedroom a final parting glance. Home was where you felt safe. This was no longer home. She picked up Cooper and backed her way out of the room dragging the suitcase along with her. She killed the light only to feel her backside bump in to something solid.

  “Going somewhere?”

  Chase was like a solid brick wall blocking her path. He stretched, his fingers hooking on the molding over the doorway. Turning her head she saw the brief flicker of a smile.

  “Move.”

  “Nope. How’s Cooper?” He smiled down, scratching the puppy behind a floppy ear that stood up at the mention of his name.

  “I mean it Chase! Move out of the way.” She put emphasis on her request by backing into him and shoving against him with her bottom. It was a dumb move that put her butt against his crotch, but she was desperate to leave.

  “Keep doing that and you’ll be stuck in this room for hours and we won’t be talking,” he warned.

  Her suitcase thumped on the floor as she released the handle with a frustrated sigh. It was pointless. It was like bargaining with a small child. She went over to the bed, sat, and crossed her legs, setting Cooper on her lap. Thank goodness he was sleepy. “Okay. I’m listening.”

  Chase kind of hung from the molding, the strong muscles in his arms demanding her attention. He used to do that silly move as a young boy, always stretching and swinging from things.

  “Would you please stop?” She snarled.

  Virginia tried her best not to notice how his crisp white button down hiked up revealing a strip of his lower stomach sprinkled with dark hair. Or the way his jeans rode low on his hip bones.

  “Sorry.” He let go, thrummed his fingers on the molding and walked in to the room. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m moving back to my apartment.” As far away from you as I can get.

  “I can’t let you do that,” he said.

  She laughed, stood up and sauntered past him to retrieve her suitcase. “You don’t have total control over everything in this house, Chase.”

  His hand shot out and slammed the bedroom door. He turned the lock. “I’m serious, Gin. You’re not going back there.”

  Their faces were only inches apart. Her eyes narrowed. “What are you going to do, kill me? My father and brother are close enough to hear me scream. That would be a tough one to explain to daddy … if he found you standing over my body with blood on your hands?”

  Chase blinked and maintained eye contact and then he burst out laughing.

  She glared at him for thinking this was funny.

  “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t laugh, but…” His expression turned serious. “You’ve really convinced yourself that you hate me, haven’t you? Well, you don’t know shit about hate, Gin. I hate that I got dealt shitty parents! I hate how you make me feel like scum! I hate that you’re always running away from me! And I hate that I ever fucking gave you the power to destroy me!”

  His fingers tightened into a fist. He punched the wall, his fist going straight through the sheet rock. He clenched and unclenched his fingers. Blood gathered in the swollen gashes across his knuckles. Startled, Virginia jumped in reaction. That familiar pull was back. She wanted to go to him. Make it better somehow. Thing was, Virginia didn’t even know if Chase could help who he was. He hadn’t exactly been shown the right kind of love from his parents.

  “I don’t hate you. I’m afraid of you,” she said.

  “And earlier? Were you afraid of me then?”

  She didn’t answer. She couldn’t answer because she was sobbing so ridiculously hard. Placing a palm over her mouth to quiet herself and keep what little dignity she had left intact, she lifted the suitcase and tried to move past him again. Her body jerked as the flat of his palm smacked the door casing next to her head, blocking her. She trembled where she stood, avoiding meeting his gaze head-on. His bicep flexed. She could smell him, nicotine and spice, and feel his eyes running over her.

 
; “Please, just let me go,” came out strangled.

  “Is that really what you want?”

  Her eyes lifted to his. “Yes.”

  “Are you sure? Because I can’t keep doing this, you’re killing me, Gin.” He dropped the arm, his eyes closing as his forehead thumped against the door casing. He drew a deep breath and stepped back, letting her pass.

  She got halfway down the hallway when he grabbed hold of her arm. “I’ll do whatever it takes, just don’t do leave me. Tell me what to do.”

  He was pleading, his hold on her arm desperate. If she took a couple of steps he matched them with his own always staying one step ahead of her, blocking her path. His green eyes glistened with tears and it made it even harder. Virginia had never seen him cry. Her chest closed up. She couldn’t look him in the eye.

  “I’m not saying it would be perfect, but what’s wrong with giving love another chance. I need to know … do you feel the same way or am I chasing memoires?”

  “Please, Chase, I can’t….” she managed a few steps.

  “That wasn’t an answer.” He was back in front of her. His hands were on her upper arms. His eyes focused on hers and nothing else. He cleared his throat, “You know what I do every morning? I read my horoscope, and then I always read yours. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I’ve tried to make myself hate you, but everything always comes back to you.”

  “I can’t,” she repeated.

  “It’s Brandon. He doesn’t want us to be together, does he?”

  “I don’t want us to be together!” She returned.

  “Liar. You love me. Say it! Say you love me!!”

  She twisted her arm from his grip and smeared the tears that were falling from her cheeks. “I’m serious, Chase, let me by or I’m going to call 911 and tell the cops you’re holding me against my will.”

  His face turned to stone. He stepped aside, his arms falling to his sides. She walked fast, never once looking back, feeling her heart shatter into a million pieces. Again.

  Twelve

  “So, are you ever going to tell me what happened?” Lizzie asked pushing the wobbly grocery cart down the can goods aisle.

  Virginia led the way selecting soups from the shelf, tossing them in the cart. “It’s nothing. Forget it.”

  “It is obviously more than nothing. How about you start with why we suddenly have a puppy pooping everywhere?”

  “Cooper doesn’t poop everywhere.”

  “Oh yeah, Cooper, does. I stepped in a pile of it this morning.”

  Virginia laughed for the first time in days.

  “Where did we get Cooper?” Lizzie asked.

  “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  The cart came to a sudden stop; a box of Fruit Loops missed the basket, clattering on the vinyl floor. Lizzie glared at Virginia. “Seriously, you’re not going to tell me. Am I not your best friend?”

  “The guy in the photo…” Virginia started.

  “You mean Mr. Sexy?”

  “Yeah.” Virginia felt sick to her stomach. She’d barely eaten anything since she’d gotten back. She missed Chase. She missed his intensity. She missed how he looked at her as if she was the only girl in the world. Chase might be obsessive and crazy, but Virginia still crazy loved him. Going home and seeing him had only deepened those feelings. Sometimes she actually tried to convince herself she could change him. Mold him into someone she could have a normal relationship with. “We kind of had a thing when I was younger and he was there when I went home. End of story.”

  “Wait. A thing? Is that you’re way of saying you had sex with him?” Lizzie squealed. Her face lit with a huge smile. “You’re blushing. You did, you nasty hoe! You had sex with Mr. Sexy. I AM impressed.”

  People were staring. Virginia lowered her voice, “You’re missing the point.”

  “No I’m not. You had sex with him. You liked it. A lot. And now the annual retentive side of you feels guilty for behaving like us hoes who think sex is pretty damn amazing. Don’t look so miserable. You’ve finally proven you’re actually normal. I was starting to worry.”

  “He’s crazy, Lizzie.”

  “Crazy can be hot.”

  “Not his kind of crazy.” Okay. That was a lie.

  Virginia told Lizzie about the prescription bottle she’d found, about the words painted on her wall and the things her brother told her. They’d reached the refrigerated section and Virginia was sick of talking about it. Talking couldn’t fix anything. There was no easy fix. They approached the check out and stood in line.

  “Hey, I know you,” the girl ringing them up said as they started adding groceries to the belt. The girl was close to Virginia’s age. Her blond hair was braided in a single braid, draped over one shoulder and her eyes were a vibrant blue. Virginia wondered if they were contacts. No one had eyes that blue. One word described the girl, pretty. And Virginia had no idea who she was.

  “Chase Davenport,” the girl simply stated with a smile as if the name should clear up any confusion. She continued to bleep off groceries, her gaze never leaving Virginia. “I had a class with Chase before he started doing the online thing. He lives with you, right? You’re Virginia. He showed me a picture.”

  “Uh oh! This would be Mr. Sexy she’s mooning over, right? I smell a cat fight coming

  on,” Lizzie murmured low behind Virginia.

  “Shh,” Virginia hushed her.

  The girls perfectly arched brows shot up and Virginia wondered if she’d heard Lizzie.

  “Anyway, he’s a really sweet guy. I wouldn’t have passed Psychology without him,” the girl added.

  “Yeah. He is super sweet.” Virginia tried to keep the sarcasm out of her tone, but failed miserably.

  “It was great you all let him stay with you. How is he?”

  “Fine.”

  The girl cast her gaze down on her work. “I heard about the accident.”

  He told her about her mother!! Ugh!

  The girl went on, “I’m really sorry. I bet it really helped having Chase around. He is a good listener.”

  Virginia heard a snort behind her. “Oh wow. I think peroxide-on-a-stick is after your guy. ”

  “Shut up!” Virginia snarled under her breath.

  The girl’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

  “It’s nothing. Ignore my friend. She has emotion problems.”

  “I have emotional problems! Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?” Lizzie grumbled.

  The girl scanned the last item. Virginia slid her card down through the machine and punched in her pin number, praying the machine would hurry up and say approved so she could grab her receipt and go.

  The girl leaned in and whispered, “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. It was really nice meeting you.” Virginia snatched her receipt and headed for the whoosh of the electric doors.

  “Tell him Mandy says hi!” The girl yelled.

  Lizzie and Virginia packed the trunk, and then Virginia slid in the driver’s seat and stared out the window. Her hands were trembling as she stuck the keys in the ignition. Lizzie dropped next to her in the passenger side seat.

  “Oh. My. God. You’re one of those girls!” she blurted out.

  Virginia jumped, startled. “Those girls?”

  “Yeah. The ones that attract losers.”

  “Chase is not a loser. He’s … damaged.”

  “Well, hell, maybe you should return him and get a refund.”

  Virginia didn’t laugh. She couldn’t.

  Lizzie didn’t a beat, “You know he was trying to hook up with that girl, don’t you? It was so obvious what was going on there. I know I’ve never met him, but I already don’t like him. I’m sorry. Are you crying?” Lizzie laid her head on Virginia’s shoulder, which only made her cry worse.

  “I think about him constantly, Liz. I try not to, but I can’t help it. It’s like there is this empty hole inside of me. I thoug
ht I was over him.”

  “Apparently not.”

  Virginia wiped the mascara out from under her eyes. She knew the tip of her nose was an ugly red color. It got that way whenever she was upset. “I mean, I hadn’t seen him in two years and I was okay with that, but now … And that girl … ugh.” Her forehead thumped against the steering wheel. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

  “Maybe your brother is right. This psycho could kidnap you and disappear with you turning you into his sex slave, Gin. You never know about people.”

  The entire studio apartment was quiet; the only sound was the occasional clacking of ice being dumped from the automatic ice maker. As nighttime approached, Lizzie had gone overboard setting booby-traps in every room: empty milk jugs towered in a pyramid blocking the pathway behind the cream colored couch in the center of the room, fishing twine stretched across doorways, tin cans tied to the front and back of doors.

  “If he tries some stupid shit … no way is he getting past these babies without us knowing,” Lizzie stated tying the last knot in the fishing twine.

  Virginia thought Lizzie had gone mad. “Where did you learn how to do all of this?”

  “The internet. You can never be too careful.”

  Later Virginia lay submerged to the chin in a steaming tub of water. Bubbles tickled her nose. Her toes caught hot drips from the sweating faucet. She felt anxious. She drew a breath and disappeared under the water, her hair floating out around her head. Her face rose to the surface, her mouth and eyes just above the water. She relaxed her entire body. Even with her ears submerged, there was no mistaking the muffled sound as the milk jugs collapsed and scattered on the hardwood floor. She shot to her feet water pouring from her naked body. Grabbing a towel from the hook on the back of the door she dried off and slid on a pair of cut off shorts and a tank top. The door creaked as she slowly opened it.

  Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, “Lizzie? Was that you?”

  No answer.

  Her heart raced, her arms folding over her chest as she leaned out into the hallway, looking up and down the dark hallway. There was only silence. Taking a deep breath, Virginia darted across hallway to her bedroom feeling odd sense as if someone was behind her. She moved quickly, breathless, her body trembling as she pulled her bedroom door closed behind her. She went over to the bed and dropped to her knees, her hand disappearing between the mattress and box spring. The butcher knife glinted in her hands.