Kangblabla!

by Andrew Gates

  In 2539, a then-young man by the name of Totalus noticed that these various former-Imperial factions were leaderless, often fighting amongst each other. Totalus had the foresight to create an organized regime of his own, and helped grow the scattered remains into what is now the premier military faction in the universe, now ranked as one of the 100 greatest places to work in Galactic Workplace Magazine.

  The Totalus Empire is currently searching for motivated, hard-working candidates who want to immerse themselves in our culture of positivity, excitement, and professionalism. Extensive intergalactic travel is required. Prior experience in military setting is not required, as on-site job training is provided.

  Benefits include a more-than generous compensation plan, a culture of growth, and the ability to quickly move up in leadership ranks. Extensive dental and health plans are also provided. Candidates must be professional, communicate well, and care about defeating the devious Resistance Alliance, who threatens to destroy our way life across the galaxy.

  If you feel your skills set make you a fit for this position, please send us your resume for consideration. The Empire needs your help.

  Part One: The Soldier

  To whom it may concern,

  As a long time security officer for the Starband Regional Mall, I know firsthand the value of strong security platforms. I was excited to see that you are recruiting new soldiers for your ongoing military operations in the Totalus Empire. With my previous experiences in security and crime prevention, I am confident that I can carry out your military operations programs.

  My experience in the field of security goes back to 2559, when I worked as a security officer for the Starband Regional Mall on Frostbyte. When I first started working with SRM, I was primarily involved with direct on-site security. I thwarted thefts, patrolled the shopping area, and provided shoppers with a general sense of protection. Later in my time there, I even wrote my own security procedures. Through this role, I soon realized that my ability to protect the public was limited to how many people physically walked through the doors. To me, that was not enough. That is why I decided to prove my abilities firsthand by applying to join the ranks of your army in the Totalus Empire, where I will be able to share my skills with the greater public across the galaxy.

  I have attached my resume as well as contact and reference information. Please let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing back from you.

  - Frank Wilton

  ***

  Frank gulped nervously as the Death Dealer Shuttle touched down on the deck of World Ender Base. Rows of killtroopers lined practically the entire expanse of the hangar bay, all standing at attention like statues.

  The ship’s engines powered down. The floor trembled. Frank stood up on his tippy toes, hoping to get a better view. The killtrooper ahead of him was a tall man and from where he stood, Frank could not see a thing.

  “Hey,” he whispered. The man before him did not respond. Frank casually tapped him on the shoulder.

  “What?” he whispered back.

  “I can’t see. You’re too tall,” Frank said.

  “Sorry.” The man took a small step to the left, providing him with a slightly better view. It wasn’t great, but it worked.

  Now with an improved vantage point, Frank saw Lord Admiral Deathstrike move through the crowd. Little was known about Deathstrike, other than that he had been badly maimed years ago and now only ever went out in public garbed in a long robe and hood. Few had seen his face or body in decades.

  Lord Admiral Deathstrike stopped before the Death Dealer Shuttle as the rear door lowered to the floor. Fog emerged from the interior of the ship. Frank could not see a thing at first, but after a few seconds, Supreme Commander Totalus emerged. Frank felt his heart flutter. He never thought he would be in the same room with Totalus himself. The old man’s skin was as pale as a corpse. He effortlessly hovered mere inches off the ground, channeling the life energy of a thousand defeated enemies.

  “Killtroopers, at attention!” shouted the staff sergeant. Frank, along with the hundreds of troopers in the room, saluted at once.

  “Good, good,” said Totalus in an eerie voice that sent shivers down Frank’s spine. He looked around the room, admiring the soldiers. “Our numbers grow greater by the day. Soon no army will be strong enough to defeat our might!”

  “Yes, Supreme Commander,” agreed Deathstrike as Totalus joined by his side.

  “Together, we will be strong!” Totalus said. “And with the newfound power of this battle station, no planet will stand in our way!”

  “The universe is ours for the taking,” Deathstrike agreed. The two of them laughed as they walked along, moving through the crowd of killtroopers standing at the ready.

  Frank just stood there standing in a salute. His arm was beginning to get tired. So far, the two men just kept walking. Nothing else was happening.

  Frank hoped this was not the whole thing. He had gotten up so early to eat breakfast, get in uniform, find his place and stand in line. Was Totalus really just getting off of a shuttle and walking away to a private meeting with Deathstrike?

  Sure enough, he was.

  Totalus and Deathstrike walked into the next room, leaving the huge crowd of soldiers behind.

  “At ease!” shouted the staff sergeant.

  Frank and the others lowered their hands to their sides.

  “Holy shit,” Frank whispered to himself.

  “What?” asked Todd, the killtrooper to his left. Todd was a good friend of his. They enlisted around the same time and came from the same home planet of Frostbyte, a remote ice world home to some of the universe’s largest digital collections.

  “I mean, was that really it? Did they just assemble all these hundreds of killtroopers to stand at attention for Supreme Commander Totalus?”

  “Yeah, that was the whole thing,” Todd answered.

  “Well that’s bullshit! I woke up early for this.”

  “Ssh, keep your voice down,” Todd replied.

  “Oh yeah, sorry.” Frank felt embarrassed. He hoped no one noticed his outburst.

  The lines of troops slowly began to peel off one by one. The soldiers in the front line turned to face the exit and marched away. Then the second line prepared to go, and the third, and so on. Frank was in the fifth line, so he would have to wait his turn.

  “I think having all the killtroopers here is supposed to be a show of force. We want Supreme Commander Totalus to think we’re strong. You know we’re invading Malgemore soon.”

  “We are?”

  “Yeah, didn’t you read the updated calendar? Rene sent it out to all departments last Thursday.”

  “Well I must’ve missed that. Why are we invading Malgemore? Aren’t they a peaceful planet?”

  “Yeah, that’s why. They’re like the most peaceful planet on this side of Yakkta. It’ll be easy to conquer.”

  Frank paused for a moment and scratched his head underneath his helmet. He looked around the room at his fellow killtroopers. Their dark uniforms were covered in emblems of crossbones and spears.

  “Hold on a second,” Frank said. He turned to face Todd. “Let me get this straight… are we the bad guys?”

  “Please tell me you did not just figure that out.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Yeah, dumbass, we’re the bad guys,” Todd said. “How have you not figured out by now?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I never put it together.”

  “Our uniforms have bones on them,” Todd explained. He pointed to the emblem on Frank’s shoulder. “We’re called killtroopers and we work in a space station called the World Ender Base that blows up planets with a giant laser beam. Our bosses are named Lord Admiral Deathstrike and Supreme Commander Totalus and they get their powers from stealing the life energy of other people. I mean… come on, how have you not figure this out yet?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just figured there’s so many people in this organization. Like,
why would all these people agree to work here if it’s evil?”

  “Hey!” shouted the staff sergeant. He moved through the lines of soldiers and stopped before Frank and Todd. “You two need to stow your dialog this instant! Just because Supreme Commander Totalus is gone doesn’t mean it’s time for chit-chat!”

  “Sorry, sir,” Frank replied.

  “Won’t happen again, sir,” added Todd.

  The staff sergeant huffed a frustrated huff and stomped off.

  Once the staff sergeant was out of sight, Frank leaned over to Todd again.

  “Wait, so like, everyone here is evil?” he whispered.

  “Yeah, like everyone here.”

  “So… are you evil too?”

  “Yeah, dude. Everyone here is evil. This is an evil regime.”

  “Well that sucks. I don’t want to be the bad guy,” Frank said.

  The row before them peeled away. It was now their turn to move. Frank turned 90 degrees to face the exit. Once everyone had turned the proper way, they began their march.

  “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, man,” Todd whispered as they marched through the hangar.

  Frank could hardly keep his steps straight. There was so much going through his head, so much to process. By the time he exited the hangar, it felt like an eternity had passed.

  Now in the open hallway, the killtroopers casually broke rank and went about their personal business. Frank leaned over and gagged. He felt like he was about to puke.

  Todd walked up to him and placed his hand on his back.

  “Hey man, are you okay? Don’t throw up,” Todd said. He removed his helmet with his free hand and held it by his side.

  Frank nodded and raised his head. Nothing had come up, but he still felt queasy inside.

  “Yeah, I think I’m fine, just a bit flustered.”

  “You could use a distraction right about now, something to pick you up.”

  “Yeah, I could definitely use a pick-me-up. What do you have in mind?”

  “You should go on a date or something. That usually helps me clear the head when I’m stressed.”

  “A date? With who? You?”

  “No, not me, silly. A woman!”

  “How am I supposed to find a woman to go on a date with?”

  “Don’t worry about it. Come back to my place. I’ll show you the best way to find a date.”

  Frank could not believe this, but he didn’t have any better ideas. If dating could get his mind off working for an evil organization, then he was willing to give it a shot.

  “Okay,” he agreed, “I guess I’m up for it.”

  Part Two: The Pilot

  To the Totalus Empire Fighter Squadron,

  I learned at a young age that Democracy is the enemy of progress. Politicians can debate and seek their own interests, but meanwhile nothing gets done. True progress comes from doers, not debaters. That is why I am so passionate about joining the ranks of the Totalus Empire.

  As the premier military faction in the universe, the Totalus Empire recognizes hard work, perseverance, and a general distain toward a democratic way of life. These are all traits which I admire and hold true to myself in any work I do. From my work in college at the University of Macoach IX, to my work on the Trux V deep-space monitoring outpost, I carry my strong work ethic with me wherever I go.

  I was excited to see that you are recruiting new pilots for your fighter squadron. It has always been my dream to fly for the Totalus Empire. Please see my attached resume and let me know if you have any questions.

  Yours sincerely,

  Stein Warrington

  ***

  “Hey Beth, pass the wine,” said Stein. She motioned to the bottle on the table and reached out with her empty glass.

  “Here you go,” Beth replied, pouring the red wine. After filling the glass all the way, she placed it back on the table and took a seat on the couch.

  Stein took a sip of the wine. It tasted amazing after a long day.

  The two women both stared at the screen before them. Another episode of Galaxy House had just started.

  “What’s this episode about?” Beth asked, motioning to the monitor.

  “I don’t know. Let’s listen.”

  “The Gorlax Family knows exactly what they want in a vacation home away from the Jalovian War,” began female the narrator, “but with so many great views to choose from, how will they ever decide? From a rustic townhome in beautiful Gremlock V, to a remote beach island on the Finecorp moon, which one will they choose? This is Galaxy House!”

  “Ooh, that one on Gremlock V looks beautiful! I love the rustic detailing,” Beth said. She leaned forward on the sofa.

  “You can’t seriously enjoy this show, can you?” Stein asked. She turned to face her friend in disbelief.

  “What, are you crazy? This is my favorite show!”

  “Well I’m not watching this.” Stein waved her hand before the monitor’s motion sensor, prompting it to shut off.

  “Why did you do that? The episode looked so good!” Beth protested.

  Stein leaned back in the soft couch and closed her eyes. She let out a deep exhale. It had been a long day, a very long day.

  “Look,” Stein said, “work was hell today. The last thing I want to do is sit through some house-search show.”

  “Well what do you want to do instead? Just sit here drinking wine?”

  “I don’t know,” Stein replied, turning to face Beth. “That honestly doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” She took another sip.

  “What happened at work today to make you so stressed?”

  “Oh, just a lot of bullshit,” Stein explained. “Our fighter squadron was supposed to escort a team of bombers to take out a Resistance Alliance outpost. But when it was time to go, my ship wasn’t even fueled! Everyone else’s ship was fueled, but not mine.”

  “What? Isn’t that someone’s job? You know, to keep stuff fueled?”

  “Yeah,” Stein said, throwing her hands in the air, “and so I talked to the guy who keeps the ships fueled. His name is Don. I asked him about it and he just said, ‘this ship wasn’t on my itinerary today’.”

  “Well what did you do? Did you fuel it yourself?”

  “No, they wouldn’t let me! The Empire outsources ship maintenance to a private company and you know how private companies get when other people do their jobs for them.”

  “Well that’s bullshit. Someone has to fuel the ship,” Beth replied.

  “Exactly!”

  “What did you end up doing?”

  “I just sat the mission out.”

  “Ooh,” Beth said with a grimace. She took another sip of wine. “That sucks.”

  “Yeah, it sucked, but it kind of worked out in the end. The outpost was an ambush and the Resistance Alliance slaughtered the entire fighter squadron.”

  “Oh, well that’s good then, isn’t it? If you had gone, you’d be dead.”

  “Yeah, but it’s still just bullshit though, you know? Like, seriously, why couldn’t he just put gas in the damn ship?”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

  Stein took another sip of wine and wiped her face. Her job was not supposed to be this aggravating. It was supposed to be the right job for her, no, the perfect job for her.

  Stein had not always been a fighter pilot. For years she worked in a deep-space monitoring outpost. She sat still in stiff chairs for hours at a time, listening for any incoming transmissions from deep-space. She yearned for any excitement; a distress signal, an unidentified object, a hideaway on the run. But alas, after years of staring at holo and listening to faint interstellar noises, nothing happened. It was like being put in time out and forced to stare at a wall.

  As the only woman in the outpost, Stein was often taunted and ridiculed. The men would have their laughs, but Stein failed to see the humor in their jokes. She would ignore their japes and go on with her job, her boring, terrible job.

  On her 26th birthday, Stein had bar
ely seen the universe, had few friends and a couple of lousy boyfriends. Her life was going nowhere. So only a month later, Stein made the smartest decision of her life. She quit her job and enrolled in Totalus’s Space Fighter Squadron. From there, the rest came naturally.

  Sitting behind the controls of a fighter made Stein feel like she could take on the world. She was free to explore the skies, see the universe, and do it all while decimating the last remains of the democratic political system.

  The first time she shot an escaping Resistance convoy, Stein had never giggled so hard in her life. Slaughtering the retreating soldiers felt like being a child again on Christmas. She could never forget that feeling.

  It was the best job, the perfect job… until today.

  But Stein knew there was more to it than just a lousy fueling operator. She knew the true source of her troubles, what really held her back.

  “Gosh, men are just the worst,” she said.

  “Why do you say that?” Beth asked, leaning forward. “Just because this Don guy forgot to fuel the ship, you suddenly hate all men?”

  “He didn’t forget. He did it purposefully.”

  “Well, you know what I mean. Why are you hating on men?”

  “It’s more than just Don. It’s everybody,” Stein elaborated.

  “It sounds like there’s more to this.” Beth let out a deep sigh and turned to face her roommate. “Come on, Stein. What’s going on? You can tell me.”

  “It’s just…” Stein threw her hands in the air, not even sure where to begin. “Even long before I got transferred to this battle station, I can’t seem to meet the right guy.”