Outside

by Michelle Mankin

  I couldn’t stay with Karen forever. I knew that in spite of the sleepy welcome I had received from her parents even their generous goodwill would have its limits.

  But what other options did I have?

  I could never go home. Not that it had been a real one for a long time I realized, just walls around me and a roof over my head. The ache in my jaw was a grim reminder of the true nature of dysfunction that resided there.

  I felt trapped inside my own thoughts, the sea foam walls of the bedroom a poor substitute for the real thing.

  I threw back the covers.

  I would think better at the beach.

  I got dressed in the clothes Karen had laid out for the morning. The jean shorts were a little too snug on my hips and the off the shoulder sweatshirt top was a little too tight over my chest but they would do. I was grateful to have them.

  Starting my life all over again with nothing but the clothes on my back was a daunting task but I could it if I had Lincoln by my side. Oh, and there were the funds in my savings account, if I could get to them before my father did.

  I left a note for Karen and slipped quietly from the house starting to feel better as soon as I turned the corner and headed downhill toward the pier, filling my lungs as I went with humid briny air.

  Niagra Avenue opened up onto the pier at its end and as soon as I passed through the open metal ‘Ocean Beach’ gate I saw the black spot of a lone surfer bobbing on the waves and knew it was him.

  Lincoln.

  I leaned over the rail to watch him. He was facing away from me toward the open ocean, his hands on the rails of his board, looking for the perfect wave.

  I wondered what he was thinking about out there as he waited. Was he thinking about me? Were they happy thoughts or troubled ones like mine?

  I’m not letting you go. Ever.

  Had he meant those words?

  At the boat he had mentioned the future, too.

  But was he ready to face it with me in tow?

  A wave rose behind him and he turned the nose of his board toward the beach paddling hard to gain momentum, hopping into his riding stance and trimming the wave with his hand. He was so fluid he seemed to become a part of it.

  I scooted back from the rail when his ride brought him close to the pier. I didn’t want him to see me and feel pressured to come out any more than I wanted him to give up his ambitions just because of my predicament.

  “Simone.”

  I whirled around hand to my throat. “Ash, you scared me. I didn’t hear you come up.”

  “Sorry. I could tell you were deep in your thoughts.” He raised his chin in Linc’s direction. “He’s pretty hard to take your eyes off?”

  I nodded.

  “You ok?” He sounded concerned and his brow creased as he studied me. “You look like you didn’t get any sleep.”

  “I didn’t,” I admitted. I had a lot on my mind. I shrugged as if it weren’t a big deal. But it was actually colossal. My entire focus was Lincoln now and his was centered on that board.

  “He didn’t, either.” He moved to look over the rail and I followed. Linc was paddling back out to his original position again. “He came straight here after we dropped you off.”

  “But that was hours ago. It was still dark.”

  “Mostly, yeah. He’s very determined about you and about Fiji.” Linc charged another wave, popping up immediately and Ash took my arm pulling me further back from the rail and both of us out of sight. “He’s gonna be out here a lot longer I’m certain.” He rubbed my arms. “You’re shivering. Why don’t you come with me? I was on my way over to Patch’s house. The band’s gonna practice early before Patch has to go into work. We’ll grab some churros on the way. You can listen to our new set. Tell us what you think with your educated ear.”

  “I mostly know show tunes so I don’t really know that I’ll be much help.” I glanced back over my shoulder. I just wanted to watch Lincoln. I could watch him surf all day.

  “Simone,” Ash called squeezing my arms to get my attention. I refocused on him “Leave him be. He’s not going anywhere. You can see him when he comes out. Yeah?”

  My muscles burned with exhaustion by the time I called it quits. Back to the house, I stowed my board and gear and hopped into the shower. I was happy with what I had accomplished surfing today and was at peace with the decision I had come to out there. But I was admittedly worried about what Simone’s answer might be. She had defended me, sure, but I knew that she could do so much better than an unemployed surfer who had gotten her kicked out of her own house.

  I saw Ash’s note when I went to the dresser. I pulled on a pair of khaki shorts and a grey and black Volcom emblazoned t-shirt. I traced her name on the paper with my finger. Thoughts and emotions made my chest tight. I loved her. I knew I would never love anyone more. She was it for me, but was I the one for her?

  Eager to see her, adrenaline propelled my rubbery legs forward. I headed downhill along Bacon until I got to Patch’s street then turned right and trudged uphill to the small cottage he shared with only his dad. The windows were thrown open and I heard her voice as soon as I reached the oleander lined walk.

  It wasn’t a song I recognized and Ash was fumbling to establish a beat to support her lyrics but she sounded absolutely perfect.

  When I entered I registered the darkening purple bruise marring her jaw right away. She was standing too close to Ash for my liking with her hand on his shoulder but her eyes lit up the moment she saw me. I waved to Ramon and Patch who had a handful of tools laid out on the worn couch and were working on the sound equipment in the corner of the living room. I also acknowledged Ash with a chin lift but my focus was mostly on her.

  I watched relief transform to something more guarded as she held my gaze, not the look of love that I hoped to see.

  Had I been wrong about us?

  No. I gave myself an internal shake remembering our night together and all that we had shared. I was just mentally and physically exhausted. She had to be too, for sure.

  “Babe,” I called. “I missed you. Come here.”

  Maybe I was overanalyzing things. Her eyes even had a little sparkle as she moved around Ash’s drum kit and launched herself into my open arms. I folded her to my chest, held her tightly and breathed her in wishing she could be mine forever and wishing we didn’t have an audience so I could have her right that moment.

  “I missed you too, Linc. I saw you at the beach but Ash said it would be better if I waited here.”

  “Oh he did, did he?” I lifted a brow and glanced at my cousin over her shoulder.

  Still on his stool behind his drums he rolled his eyes. “It’s three in the afternoon, Linc.”

  Shit. I hadn’t realized it was that late. The waves had been so good and I had desperately needed the practice. Placing wasn’t an option anymore. The real money and endorsements went mostly to the few at the top of the sport. I had to win Fiji outright. Not just for myself but for both of us now.

  “Ash is right.” I eased back so I could look at her instead of at the smug expression on my cousin’s face. “Did you eat lunch yet?”

  She shook her head, her silky hair brushing over the tops of my hands.

  “Then come with me. I’ll take care of you.” My words were for her but for Ash also, a thinly veiled warning as my gaze hit his and I steered her toward the door. I appreciated him looking out for her but she was my girl not his.

  I sat across the kitchen table from Linc at his aunt and uncle’s house and tried to swallow a bite of the turkey sandwich he had made for me, finding it difficult because my mouth was so dry. I was worried. More than I had been when I had left Karen’s house this morning. He seemed so out of sorts.

  Was it the bruise on my jaw?

  He seemed fixated on it even though I had insisted it didn’t hurt very much.

  Or had he heard the lyrics Ash and I had worked on together?

  Had I given away too much of what I was feeling too soon?
>
  Was he having regrets already?

  “Babe.” He covered my hand with his own. The look of concern in his clear blue eyes and the sizzle of instant awareness from the touch of his warm fingers pulled me from the mental quagmire I had fallen into. “What’s going on with you? You seem a million miles away.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked carefully after taking a sip from my glass of water to moisten my throat.

  “I’ve been thinking about us.” His expression turned stony. “Since that’s at the forefront of my mind I figured it might be on yours, too.”

  “I don’t know, Linc,” I said honestly my chest burning as I opened myself up to the very real possibility of a rejection. His eyes narrowed but I forged bravely on. No more deflecting, Simone. Delaying wasn’t going to make things any easier. “I want to be with you but after last night I don’t know if that’s the best thing. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

  “You’re not a burden. You’re a prize. God, Simone.” His eyes flared as he rose from his side of the table and pulled me up into his arms. I closed my eyes for a moment enjoying his warmth, his strength, the sheer pleasure of being within his embrace again. “I want you with me. All the time.” He smoothed a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I’m so sorry about what happened with your father and every time I see that bruise on your pretty face I get angry all over again. It’s going to be tough no doubt but I won’t let your old man ruin us. Ok?”

  “Ok,” I agreed dropping my forehead to his chest. “But…”

  “Let’s just take it a day at a time right now.” He lifted my chin with a curled finger, looked intently into my eyes and then pressed a soft kiss to my lips. It felt so good, the affection so welcome from him that I sighed.

  I think he felt the same. He groaned his pleasure into my mouth.

  My lids fluttered closed and my hands drifted up the strong hard planes of his back, inviting him closer. I was surprised when he pulled back. I opened my eyes to find his gaze heated, hungry and possessive but he hooked his head over his shoulder and then I heard his aunt and his uncle talking as they came through the front door.

  “Later,” he whispered touching my nose lightly with the tip of his finger.

  The later I had promised never came. Not that day or the next.

  With her at Karen’s and her father out of the picture I thought us being together would be easier but it got harder instead.

  I had too little time to prepare for Fiji and therefore even less time to spend alone with her. At home my aunt and uncle seemed ever-present watching us with caution in their eyes. And though Karen’s parents insisted Simone could stay with them for as long as she needed to, they were as restrictive with her curfew as they were with their own daughter’s.

  I knew Simone needed my support in the present and I did the best I could but I needed to be out on the ocean securing our future.

  We had settled into a routine the past several days. I woke up before sunrise and stayed out on my board most of the day while she hung out with the guys. Then we ate dinner together at Ash’s but by that time I was so spent that I usually crashed on her as we watched television on the couch. Last night she hadn’t even bothered to wake me to walk her back to Karen’s. Ash had taken her.

  She was quietly disappointed and I was finding myself increasingly jealous of Ash. The stress of it all was creating strain between us.

  Vowing to work harder so I could spend extra time with her tonight, I jogged out into the chaotic surf, tossed my board on it and paddled out. The waves were massive today. A low pressure system was stirring them up. Many were topping the top of the thirty foot tall pilings. Even as early as I had come I had tons of company. Everyone who surfed was eager to get out and attempt the waves.

  I was the most accomplished surfer and had the priority so I got my choice of waves and I took them over and over again until no one was left besides me. It was thrilling to take on the ocean when it was angry and more of an opponent than an ally but it was extra exhausting, too.

  White water all around me, the waves were so powerful now and setting up so fast that I barely had time to take on one before another one was upon me. I saw Ash on the pier but ignored him. He looked worried and I could tell that he thought I should come in. My girl was by his side looking just as concerned wearing a hoodie and a beach towel that whipped around her shapely form in the gale force winds.

  Seeing her spurred me to press on. Time was running out to prepare for an event I was determined to win. Coming in early would feel like an admission of defeat. When I competed the waves might be small or they might be big like today. I had to be ready to put together a perfect ride whatever the conditions. Speed, power and flow. Commitment, innovation and variety. The judges would need to see all of that from me. That’s why I had to keep pressing.

  Feeling frustrated by my rides thus far, I chose a wave that maybe I shouldn’t have. It turned into a monster rising faster and steeper than I had anticipated. I went straight up and over the top of it free falling through the air on the other side my board flying away from me. I felt the cord attached to my ankle snapping tight before I crashed into the ocean. Water surged all around me as I sank beneath it. I clawed to the surface but another wave slammed over me. I tried not to panic even though my lungs were burning for air.

  I felt the tug on my ankle from my leash and was grateful it had stayed attached. I used it to follow my board to the surface. I threw my arms around it when I got there and ducked my head into the next wave that crashed over me. That was when I felt the sharp burn in my lower leg and realized one of my fins must have sliced me. I pulled my leg out of the water and lifted it to take a look. What I saw made my veins turn as cold as the water. There was a deep gash in my wet suit and blood was pouring from it.

  I immediately turned the nose of my board to the shore and used the power of the waves to take me toward it praying Ash had seen what had happened and would be there. I didn’t know if I would be able to stand on my own once I got there.

  Simone kept a stoic face until they closed the door to the ambulance and it was just us and the EMT who was on the radio giving the hospital my status. Only one could ride with me to Hillcrest and Ash had insisted that it be her.

  Her lips started to quiver and she turned her head to the side but I saw the tears that rolled down her cheeks.

  “I’m ok,” I told her mumbling a bit. My tongue felt thick and fuzzy after the shot of morphine they had given me. “I’m not going to die.” I hoped my attempt at levity might distract her.

  “Oh, Linc.” She threw her body over me and wrapped her arms around me. She shook and I could feel her hot tears on my cool skin. They had cut away my wetsuit before strapping me to the stretcher and sliding me into the ambulance. “I was so scared. When you came out of the water and there was all that blood.” She lifted her head to look at me. Her golden eyes were watery and her face was tear splotched but she had never seemed more beautiful to me. All that emotion for me. I couldn’t remember anyone ever crying for me. “You’re so good at surfing. I never realized how dangerous it could be. You could have drowned today. You went down for so long I thought you had.” She dropped her head again and hugged me even tighter than before.

  I stroked her hair with my non-IV hand.

  “I’m going to be scared every time you get back on that board,” she whispered.

  So was I. If I got back on it. But it wasn’t the psychological aspect of it that worried me. Lots of guys got sliced by their board. I’d even seen one get knocked unconscious when his board conked him in the head. They usually returned to surf again. But I had seen the look that had passed between the paramedics. I heard the one with us give his report to the hospital. My fin had cut through some serious muscle. They were going to take me to the operating room as soon as we arrived. That wasn’t the type of injury that would allow me to go back out to the beach the next day.

  Fiji was out of the question. Taking care of her, too. Everythi
ng was up in the air now.

  Those thoughts made me panic worse than when I’d had an ocean’s worth of water crushing me. I ground my teeth together so hard my eyes watered. “If it’s gonna scare you, maybe you shouldn’t watch,” I chastened.

  “What do you mean?” She lifted her head looking uncertain in response to the harshness in my tone.

  “It’s a dangerous sport, Simone.” I forced my arms to drop to my sides letting go of her and tightening my fingers into fists as if I could recapture what I felt slipping away from me. “But it’s part of who I am. You can’t expect me to quit just because of one injury.”

  “I don’t.” Her eyes grew wide. “I just wanted you to know how frightened I was.”

  “I’ve got enough pressure on me. I don’t need more to worry about.” It was the truth but I felt wretched for saying it. She flinched but I knew she needed to get me. “When I get back on my board.” I refused to accept the if that kept popping back into my mind. “I don’t want you on the beach. I have to focus. Understand?”

  “She’s still out there in the waiting room, Linc.”

  “Tell her to go back to Karen’s.”

  “No, Linc. I won’t. You need to see her. I don’t get what’s up with you.”

  “This is what’s up with me,” I gestured at my heavily bandaged leg. “What’s the point, Ash? What do I have to offer her now that I’m like this?”

  I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as if that would make the events of the past couple of days go away. We had both lost. Everything. All my hopes and dreams gone because of my stubbornness. If only I had gotten her home in time. If only I’d shown some sense out there in the surf.

  “Things are hopeless for us now.” My throat closed but I powered through it. “She needs to realize that so she can go on with her life.” Even as I said the words I knew I could never go on without her.

  Ash gave me a pitying look but I couldn’t summon the anger to rebuke him. “Talk to her for me.” I turned away and looked out a window that had no view.