Every Waking Dream

by Lauren Eason

  Walking towards a table, I sat down on the attached stool and placed my tray in front of me. Picking up my fork, I pushed around my peas and carrots as my friend, Raven, sat across from me. Looking up from my shapeless masterpiece of peas, she waited for me to speak.

  “You’re the one who came looking for me. What do you want?” I asked flatly.

  “Sounds like you had a very productive therapy session with Clayborn,” she mocked. “You going to tell me about it or make me hold my breath?”

  She took a small bite of her roasted chicken as she grinned. Not only was Raven my only friend in the center, but she was also my roommate. She had immediately adopted me into her dark, twisted world as a self-proclaimed Goth. She didn’t have a specific drug of choice, but she wasn’t unlike the rest of us.

  Scars were evident along her inner arms, and I could tell that wearing T-shirts made her self-conscious of her image. She brushed a strand of long, dyed black hair away from her face as she picked at her food. I tried not to watch her intensely as she ate, but her health concerned me. She was terribly thin due to her addiction to wasting away, so she didn’t have to feel anymore. We all wanted the same thing before we found ourselves here, only in different ways.

  “She’s cool...I guess,” I replied as I shoveled a fork full of peas and carrots into my mouth.

  “Uh, huh. You’re very talkative today,” she teased. “Can you believe I’m supposed to eat all of this? I’m already full.”

  I glanced at her plate, which was identical to mine. Chewing my food, I swallowed. “It’s not that bad.”

  “It’s awful. I might be able to eat half of this.”

  “That would be a start,” I mused. “You want to get out of here, right?”

  Raven grimaced as she picked at her food some more. “Yeah, don’t we all?

  “Then you have to eat it,” I replied. “They’re not going to let you out of here if you keep losing weight. Do you want a feeding tube?”

  “Harsh,” Raven muttered.

  “Yeah, well, that’s what friends do,” I stated. “Besides, you’re my only friend here.”

  “Gee, I can’t imagine why,” she smirked as she took another bite of her chicken with a couple of peas.

  I chuckled to myself. This was the way we always talked to each other. It was one of the reasons we were assigned to room together. It was a sisterly bond that neither of us understood, but it was the only thing that kept us from spiraling into madness.

  “She gave me a new medication,” I commented.

  “Really? You?” she asked, incredulously. “I didn’t think you were allowed to have any medications.”

  “Neither did I. It’s supposed to help me sleep, though. I mean, that’s the whole reason I started taking Adderall in the first place.”

  “Do you want to sleep?” Raven wondered.

  “It’s a basic physiological requirement. I have to do it at some point. The medication is supposed to make my sleep dreamless,” I remarked.

  “Thank whatever spirit is out there. I can’t handle another bout of night terrors from you. No offense,” Raven declared.

  “None taken.” While Raven and I were close within the center, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about my ability. It was hard enough telling Dr. Clayborn, but I didn’t want to lose a person who was an actual friend.

  “Is your family coming up next weekend for visitation?” Raven asked, plucking me from my thoughts.

  “I’m not sure they’re coming,” I admitted as I stabbed a piece of chicken with my fork.

  “You really think they’re not going to show up? They seemed like good people the last time I met them,” Raven pointed out.

  “They’ve been really busy lately. Every time I try to call from the reception desk, they rush to get off the phone or don’t even answer at all.” I kept my gaze focused on my tray in front of me.

  “Didn’t your mom just get that new job with that law firm? Maybe they’re adjusting. I’m sure they’ll be here. We only have visitation once every two weeks,” she assured.

  “Yeah, and they missed the last two.”

  “You got to see your sister. That counts,” Raven replied, trying to remain optimistic.

  “I wasn’t too keen on a fourteen-year-old taking a bus out here. Aren’t you supposed to be a Goth? Why are you so optimistic?” I asked jokingly.

  “Thanks for stereotyping me. Really appreciate it,” she teased as we both giggled into our food. Her eyes settled over my shoulder as her smirk disappeared. “Don’t look behind you.”

  Raven grabbed my hand as I started to turn around. I whipped my attention back to her as we ducked our heads together over our food. “You know you can’t say something like that and expect me not to look.”

  “It’s Maria,” Raven whispered. “She’s staring you down again.”

  “She’s harmless.” I straightened in my chair as Raven cautiously did the same.

  “I don’t know.” Raven shifted uncomfortably in her seat, glancing over my shoulder to see if Maria was still staring at me. “She acts like she knows you or something. Are you sure you’ve never met her before?”

  Stuffing my mouth with food, I shook my head to answer. It was better than telling her that I sometimes saw Maria in her dreams—and sometimes she saw me too.

  “Aislin Smith?” a woman called out from the medication booth on the other side of the cafeteria.

  “Looks like it’s time to take my new meds. You know what that means,” I stated.

  “Ugh, let me go ahead and scarf down this food before the nurses start hassling me. Go get your meds. I’ll meet you back in the room,” Raven said as she ate more of her peas.

  Getting up from the table, I emptied my tray in the trash and dropped it off at the window to be washed. Bounding over to the medication booth, the older woman smiled over her glasses and handed me two small paper cups. One contained my little blue pill while the other was filled with crisp water.

  Taking the pill and washing it down, I showed the nurse my mouth and lifted my tongue. She nodded and checked off a box on her clipboard while taking my cups and depositing them into a tiny trashcan on the other side of the window. I walked through the double doors beside the medication booth and down the hallway to the suites.

  Crossing the threshold of my room, I walked over to my dresser. Taking my hair tie out, I shook out my wavy, light brown hair, and gazed at the picture of my family. Picking the photo up, I placed my thumb over our smiling faces. It was a lie—all of it.

  I heard the sound of footsteps entering the room from behind me. “You’re lucky your family is actually around. At least you still have both your parents."

  I turned around to see Raven getting ready for bed. The light over the bedside table blinked, giving us a ten-minute warning for lights out. Raven shut the door to our room and got into the other twin bed. Kicking off my shoes, I laid on top of the covers staring at the ceiling.

  “I’m worried, Aislin,” Raven said through the silence.

  I turned over on my side in the small bed to look at her. She did the same to face me. “Worried about what?”

  “I haven’t made much progress since the last visitation. I think my family is going to extend my stay,” Raven relayed.

  “We have a while before visitation. I’ll help you...if you’ll let me,” I replied, unsure how much I could do for her.

  Raven smiled. “You’re a good person. If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s you.”

  I gave her a sideways smile as she turned around and faced her side of the room just as the bedside bulb extinguished. Turning over onto my back, I stared at the ceiling as my eyes adjusted to the sudden darkness of the room. The glow of the street lights outside our small window near the ceiling behind our beds was the only light source.

  I listened as Raven’s breathing slowed, indicating she was asleep inside her own head. Closing my eyes, I waited for that familiar feeling to take me within its grip. As I felt myself drift of
f, I relaxed into the arms of my first dreamless sleep in forever.

  Chapter Two

  I felt Raven shaking me by the shoulders as I lay in bed, grasping for as much sleep as I could get. It had been years since I could sleep like this without the interference of others' dreams and nightmares, holding me captive in someone else’s mind. The pills Dr. Clayborn had assigned me were my own brand of miracle drug, and I looked forward to taking one of those little blue devils every single night before bed.

  While I was in rehab for addiction to a totally different drug, I was quickly becoming addicted to this one. At least it was a prescription assigned to me that would be more easily obtainable. I knew my parents would be keeping a close eye on me at home, but I welcomed it. As long as I could sleep uninterrupted, I didn’t mind.

  “It’s getting harder and harder to pry you out of bed,” Raven groaned as she stood up, frustrated with the amount of effort she was putting into me.

  I stretched, yawning with my eyes closed. I could tell the sun was shining through our window into our room from the amount of light I could see behind my eyelids. Lifting my torso from the bed, I sat up and raised my arms over my head, stretching from side to side while sitting cross-legged.

  “You want to get breakfast with me?” I asked as I swung my legs over the side of my bed, hitting the cold floor. Snatching my feet up, I tucked them under my body to warm them back up.

  “Eh, I guess I have to,” Raven moaned. “What’s with you lately? I thought you hated sleeping?”

  “I do. I mean, I did,” I replied as we sat on our respective beds, facing each other. “The medicine Dr. Clayborn prescribed has really helped.”

  “I can tell. I haven’t woken up to screaming or you standing eerily over my bed in a while,” Raven teased.

  “Shut up. You know I can’t help it.”

  “We better get dressed and head for the showers. I tried to wake you up early so we could be the first ones there.” Raven stood from her bed with a smirk on her face.

  “Ah, crap,” I muttered.

  “Mm-hmm,” she cooed. “You forgot what day it is, didn’t you? What would you do without me?"

  “See our visitors in my pajamas?” I smiled as I stood up and walked over to my drawers to pull out some clothes.

  Raven sighed and shook her head, trying to hide a small smile as she grabbed her shower bag and shoes. Holding my shower gear, I followed her out of our room and down the hallway towards the communal bathroom. I wondered if this was what living in a dorm would feel like whenever I decided to go to college.

  Entering the bathrooms, we walked past the stalls to the other side behind the row of sinks to the showers. Grabbing a stall, I shut the shower curtain, placing my bag and clothes on a small bench away from the stream of water. Raven took the one next to me, the tile wall serving as a barrier between us from the neck down.

  Raven threw her towel over the wall as I did the same. It was easier to keep our towels together between us so no one else would steal them. The first night I was here, the girl next to me stole my towel because she forgot to bring her own. Needless to say, it wasn’t my best moment within the center.

  “Does it look like I’ve gained weight?” Raven asked as she pinched her skin in several locations on her body.

  “I feel like this is a trap,” I replied.

  Raven smacked her lips together. “I’m serious. If I haven’t gained some weight by the end of all this, my dad is going to flip.”

  “You mean, you actually want to gain weight? I thought you were freaking out over that the other day when they gave you a snack in between your normal meals,” I pointed out.

  “Well, I mean, I was, but I also want to go home. I can worry about the weight I gain later when I’m able to finally go back to a gym,” she declared.

  “Raven, I know you’re not going to believe me, but you’re beautiful the way you are.” I knew it was a lost cause to even tell her those things, but it was the only way I knew how to help. I hoped Dr. Clayborn would approve of my gentle nudges towards body positivity. However, it never felt like enough, and I think it was because I didn’t quite understand Raven’s struggle.

  “Thanks, Aislin,” she sighed as she stood under the warm water, ducking her head underneath to wet her black hair. “It means a lot to me coming from you because I know you’re an honest person.”

  “You don’t think other people are being honest with you?” I asked while lathering my body with soap.

  “Not really,” Raven admitted. “I used to be a fat kid. When I lost all the weight, I got addicted to the compliments and vowed never to be that way again. For some reason, when my stomach is rumbling, and I haven’t eaten anything, my body just feels light, purer. Does that sound weird?”

  “Not at all,” I replied. “But maybe you can retrain yourself to eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables to achieve a feeling similar to that. I’m not a therapist, and I’m certainly not trained medically, but I want you to live.”

  Raven was silent for a moment, and for a second, I thought maybe I had said the wrong thing to my friend. The last thing I wanted to do was send her spiraling into a depressive episode or make her feel like her progress in the program was inadequate.

  “Maybe I should become a vegetarian,” she announced as she turned off her shower. I followed suit and grabbed my towel to wrap around my body as I leaned over the top of the tiled wall.

  “That’s not a bad idea,” I stated with a shrug. “I’m sure Dr. Clayborn would condone it. Would you be able to give up meat for that long?”

  “If I can go three days just on water and a few almonds, I think I could give up meat and be fine,” she scoffed. “Not that that was a particularly healthy thing of me to do. See? I’m taking accountability and admitting my flaws.”

  “Are you worried about what people are going to say when you go back to school in the fall?” It worried me to no end. While I did a great job hiding my addiction for as long as I did with my parents, the kids at my school were plugged into all the rumors. I didn’t necessarily trust my dealer to keep his mouth shut about me, either.

  “Nah. Those kids don’t scare me. You?”

  I sighed heavily as I tugged on my clothes. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be hearing some whispers in the halls but not because of the Adderall. Everyone at school has taken it at some point. They’ll try to make up some phantom addictions with harder drugs as the reason I’m in here.”

  It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth. I had Charlie to thank for a lot of rumors that circulated through the system. I only hoped that most of the kids had forgotten about them.

  “If we went to the same school, I’d give them something to talk about.” Raven beat her fist into her other hand with a toothy grin.

  I shot her a sideways smile as I stepped out of the stall. “I bet you would. Honestly, I’m dreading it.”

  “Don’t you have any friends over there?” Raven asked as she stepped out of the shower with her bag after clothing herself. “I’m sure there’s at least one person you miss.”

  “Well...not exactly.” I didn’t know if I missed Charlie or wanted a chance for closure. When we were younger, we were inseparable, but then he grew up, became a football player, and the rest was history. I was the weird girl he knew a long time ago from his dreams, and that was it.

  “Come on,” Raven insisted. “Spill.”

  “His name was Charlie. You’ve heard his name before.”

  “Was? You make it sound like he’s dead,” Raven said sarcastically. She scrambled around her joke, realizing her error. “Or...is he?”

  I laughed as we walked around to the other side of the bathroom and brushed our teeth in neighboring sinks. “Actually, he probably thinks that I am. We haven’t spoken in years. We kind of grew apart the moment he grew chest hair.”

  “Ah, so boy troubles. Don’t you hate when that happens, though? The guy is great in the beginning and then acts like you never even matt
ered as soon as he meets a pretty girl with big boobs,” Raven stated.

  Spitting my toothpaste into the sink, I glanced into the mirror at Raven’s reflection. “I’m sure hanging around a girl who’s been to rehab is the last thing he’d want to do. His family is very well off, and I’m sure they’d have things to say about me.”

  “That’s too bad,” she remarked as she turned to face me. “He’s missing out on a great chick. But anyway, we should get down to breakfast before a nurse comes looking for us. I would like to not have my visitation revoked.”

  I nodded in agreement as I put my toiletries back in my bag. Checking my hair one more time in the mirror, I sighed, hating the fact that I couldn’t style it. Pulling it back into a damp ponytail, I left with Raven towards our room to drop off our bags and then towards the cafeteria for breakfast.

  It was abuzz with other patients as they sat with their loved ones talking over the banquet of food. Visitation was the more favored day at the center since the food that was offered was more substantial. While we fancied it was for us, it was really for our guests because the center had to put on a show for them. They didn’t want anyone to know we mainly ate hospital food. It would appear callous.

  Stepping in line for the breakfast buffet with Raven, we took some plates and followed the line down the row. Raven had been serious about going vegetarian because she completely bypassed the bacon and sausage links. I, however, mounted my plate with the tantalizing meat and other foods. These days didn’t come often, and I wanted to eat like a queen if only for a day.

  “You’re going to have to put more food on your plate than that,” I whispered to her, noticing the single orange and spoonful of egg.

  She groaned, knowing I was right. Raven had to have a nurse check her plate before and after she ate while in the clinic. It was weighed to calculate how much she was eating. I picked up the tongs in the salad mix, dumping some of the mixture onto my plate and hers. Raven sighed softly and left the line to report to her nurse while I continued towards the bagels.