Every Waking Dream

by Lauren Eason

  Feeling satisfied with my bounty, I glanced around the cafeteria, searching for her. Seeing her in the corner of the room, I sat my tray down in front of her. She was eating her salad, a good sign.

  “So, do you see your folks around here?” she asked in between bites.

  I shook my head. “They probably won’t come until later. It’s over an hour away from here, and I doubt they left on time if they’re even coming.”

  “I don’t see mine either if that helps.”

  “Your parents will definitely be here. They’ve never missed one of these events so far,” I encouraged. “Besides, they’re really invested in your health.”

  “I just wish they were invested in each other,” Raven mumbled as she picked at her eggs. “What’s it like not having divorced parents?”

  “It’s nothing special,” I replied. “They fight just like everyone else. I know they’re trying, but sometimes, I wonder if things would’ve been better if they just separated.”

  “What do they fight about?” she asked.

  “It’s usually about money, sometimes about me. From what Jess tells me, it’s been about Mom’s new job.”

  “Why? Your mom is making bank for your family right now,” Raven said, peeling her orange.

  The more I talked, the more she would eat, so I felt it best to keep going even if the conversation was heading towards more personal territory. “She is, but she works long hours. It probably has to do with their relationship, like spending quality time with each other.”

  “Or sex,” Raven interjected. “That’s what killed it for my folks. The lack of sex.”

  “How would you know?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “I could tell,” she admitted. “Or maybe it was the very loud arguments they would have down the hall from my bedroom that gave it away.”

  “Jesus, is nothing sacred anymore?” I mocked.

  “Not with them. They actively tried to pit me against each other. It wasn’t fun living between two homes and not knowing where I would be on any given night. I felt like more of an object to them than a child.”

  “That’s awful,” I commented.

  “Yeah,” she sighed. “The only good thing was that I would get two birthday parties and Christmases. But other than that, the whole situation sucked.”

  “That’s one reason I need to get out of here. Jess has to play adult around there, and that shouldn’t be her role,” I explained. “I just want her to be a kid—”

  “Aislin Smith?” a voice called from the cafeteria.

  I stood up from my seat and grabbed my plate. “I’ll see you later?”

  “Of course,” she replied as she shoveled a spoon full of eggs into her mouth. I smiled and turned on my heels towards the nurse who called my name.

  “Right this way, dear. You have visitors,” she said with a sweet smile.

  Visitors? As in more than one? Perhaps, my parents had managed to make an appearance after all. Carrying my food with me, I walked over to a lounge area where my parents and Jess sat on a sofa awaiting my arrival. Jess was the first to fly into my arms, almost knocking my food from my hand as I hugged her back.

  “Hey, kiddo,” I said as I took a seat in a chair beside our mother.

  Placing my plate on the table, my mother immediately took my hands in hers. She looked exhausted. While her makeup was meant to cover the dark circles under her eyes, I could clearly see their faint outline underneath her black-rimmed glasses. Her wavy, brunette hair was pulled back away from her face by a clip, the faintest hint of gray creeping from her temples near her roots. She had lost some weight since I last saw her. Her hands had given away her frailness, and I knew instinctively it was the stress of her job, and whatever was going on at home.

  My father sat beside her with his elbows on his knees, and his hands clasped together in between them. His black hair had turned to salt and pepper with worry lines appearing on his face. Even his blue eyes seemed slightly grayer.

  I wasn’t enjoying this atmosphere. The only normal person was my sister, who sat in the chair across the coffee table from myself. Her dirty blonde hair was in a messy bun at the back of her neck, bangs swooping low over her brow. She fidgeted in her seat, a sign of nervousness that made me uneasy.

  “Did someone die?” I asked skeptically.

  “Oh no!” my mother rushed to say. “No, we would’ve contacted you before if that were the case. We have some news to share with you. We’re moving, sweetie.”

  “Moving? To where?” While I may have dreaded going back to school, I hadn’t expected that I might never return.

  “To here,” my father chimed in. “Closer to the rehabilitation center. It’ll be an easier drive on your mother to and from work.”

  “And you couldn’t tell me this earlier because...?”

  My mother pulled my attention back to her. “We just didn’t want to upset you. Dr. Clayborn has told us about the progress you’ve been making and—”

  “What else did she tell you?” I asked suddenly, snatching my hands away from my mother. I didn’t mean to come off as rude, but I needed to know what she told them. My secret wasn’t hers to tell. While I may have been irrational given the circumstances of patient privileges, even the slightest chance of her revealing this to them made my stomach turn somersaults.

  “Calm down, Aislin,” my father said sternly. “Dr. Clayborn only had good things to say about you. She informed us that you were sleeping more regularly throughout the night with no incidents. We’re proud of you.”

  Proud of me? I thought I would never see the day again, where my parents uttered those words. Every time I saw them, I could only picture the disappointment in their eyes as they dropped me off in front of the center. It was an image that would haunt me forever, but hearing these words come from my father, no less, seemed to ease the pain I felt inside.

  “Why here? Your job would still be a twenty-minute drive or more with traffic,” I said.

  “We thought it would be best, being close to your doctor, that is,” my mother admitted. And there it was. They were afraid of a relapse, and although I wanted to get upset about it, I couldn’t will myself to do so.

  I sighed and sat back in my chair. “Dr. Clayborn has me on these sleeping pills. That’s why I’ve been able to sleep so well. It’s a miracle, honestly.”

  “That’s really great, Ais!” Jess announced excitedly from her chair. “Maybe you can come home sooner—”

  “We’ll see,” my father interrupted, shooting a stern look at my sister. “By the time you’re out of here, we’ll be in our new home.”

  “Oh, so I won’t even get to say goodbye to anyone back in Freeport?” I should’ve felt relieved, but I didn’t. I would never get the closure I was looking for when it came to Charlie and why he did what he did. My obsession with a boy who didn’t even know me anymore wasn’t exactly the poster of a healthy relationship.

  My mother shook her head, wispy hairs bouncing around her face. “Unfortunately, no, sweetie. We thought it best if it were a clean break.”

  “I see,” I mumbled. She was right about that. It would be easier to disappear without having to face the rumor mill of my old high school. I wouldn’t have to deal with Brad the Dealer or any other kid that thought it funny to make light of my addiction, even though I didn’t really need the pills anymore. I was cured as far as I could tell.

  “There are some great places around the city,” Jess encouraged. “We have a huge mall now and a great movie theater. There’s even a little coffee shop down the street from our townhouse!”

  “What?” I looked from her to my parents. “You’ve already bought a place? I never even had a say...”

  “It’s pending. We’re under contract, but we’ll be signing the paperwork in a few days,” my mother rushed to say.

  “That doesn’t make it any better, Mom,” I pointed out. “First, I had no idea we were even moving, and now I didn’t even get to at least look at photos of the house? Is that why
you missed visitation last time?”

  “Yes,” my father revealed. “Your mother and I were busy looking at a new home for our two daughters so that you could have a better future.”

  “Jim...” my mother whispered with a pleading look in her eyes.

  “The girl has to grow up someday,” my father said as he stood up from the couch and walked away.

  My mother tried to find her voice, but I had already walked off back towards my room. Footsteps were closing in on me from behind as I turned around to see who was chasing after me. Jess was barreling down the hallway, trying to keep up with my brisk walk.

  “Ais!” she called after me as I halted. While my parents may hate me for the shame I’ve brought upon them, I could never deny my sister. She was the one person who still had hope for me.

  Her eyes flashed a brilliant green as her cheeks flushed a pink color. Panting, she was finally able to catch her breath. “They didn’t mean it, Aislin. Just give Dad a little more time.”

  “How can he say he’s proud of me one minute and then stomp off the next? I don’t understand why I wasn’t even included in this. I’m a part of this family too.” My lip trembled with my last words as I felt the sting of tears flush my pale, blue eyes.

  Jess hugged me around my neck and pulled me closer. “Of course you are. It was a spur of the moment decision—trust me. We wanted to tell you.”

  I backed away from her. “Then why didn’t you guys just pick up the phone and call me? I understand not being able to visit in person, but a telephone goes both ways.”

  “It’s not just about you,” Jess replied. “Mom needed to be closer to her job, Dad needed more time with Mom, and I needed to get away from that school. Dad started drinking again because of the trouble he and Mom are having. This move is about all of us. Why are you acting this way?”

  I pressed my lips together, holding my tongue. I had no idea what was going on, and I couldn’t help but blame myself for it. The stress I was putting on my family couldn’t be helping the situation at home.

  “Give them a chance,” she continued. “I have to go now, but it won’t be long before you can come home. You’ll like it. I promise.”

  Jess gave me one last hug before saying goodbye. I watched her silhouette vanish as she left me standing alone in the corridor outside my room.

  Chapter Three

  I watched the girl with stringy brown hair sit in the corner of a dark room, mumbling mindlessly to herself as she scratched at the padding on the walls. Maria was one of the patients in the hospital that I had seen from time to time in the recreational room, staring at a scrabble board even though it was apparent she couldn’t play it anymore. Her mind had withered away from her abundant heroin use over the years, causing her to have manic episodes that often resulted in restraint and sedation.

  Her dreams were always the same, with her sitting in a dark, secluded cell staring at the wall and whimpering. The door would open, and a bright light would alert her senses as she covered her eyes, trying to see what was coming through the door for her. She screamed as her dream continued, my heart racing in my chest as I watched a shadow form in the center of the doorway, something new that I hadn’t seen previously.

  Maria stood up, banging the back of her head against the wall with her eyes closed. She spoke softly, her words forming small prayers to keep the monstrous intruder at bay. I froze in the corner, not sure what I was about to witness as the shadow floating closer took on a more humanoid shape. Her words became shouts as she tried to flatten herself as far away from the nightmare, invading her thoughts.

  It grabbed Maria by the throat, cutting off her voice as it pulled her feet off the floor. She clawed at the figure’s wrists to no avail as it threw her into the wall next to me. As she looked up, her eyes glanced directly at me, a look of fear in them. For a brief second, I thought maybe she could see me there.

  Picking herself up slowly, Maria kept her eyes glued to my face as she suddenly lunged at me, knocking me to the ground. I yelled at her as she bit into my wrist, blood flowing from the wound as her jaws clamped down around me. The shadow pulled her off me and threw her back to the floor before laying on top of her, ripping at her clothes.

  “Wake her up!” a male nurse shouted to another as a bright light sent my senses into overdrive. My eyes fluttered as I felt hands holding my wrists and ankles down. I finally calmed after realizing I was free of the dream.

  “Aislin? Can you hear me?” the nurse asked as he shined a bright light into my eyes, checking my pupils.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “You were sleepwalking,” another nurse answered. “Your roommate alerted us, and we found you on the ground.”

  “I wasn’t...Oh,” I said as I remembered my struggle with Maria in her dream. Not only was I entering the dreams of others, but I was also starting to reenact them in real life. They helped me off the ground and sat me on my bed as Raven stood in the corner, terrified.

  “We’re going to inform Dr. Clayborn of this incident tonight. She’ll want to meet with you tomorrow,” a nurse said as she straightened herself. She performed a couple of cognitive tests and took my vitals before deciding I was in the clear. The other male nurse, who I recognized as Harlan, left with her out of the room as I rubbed my face with my hands, the lights flickering off.

  Raven slid back into bed and looked at me. “Are you doing okay?”

  “I have no idea,” I answered. “It’s probably stress from what I found out with my family the other day.”

  “I thought your sleeping pills were supposed to make it so you don’t have night terrors,” Raven replied.

  “I did too,” I groaned as I flopped back on my bed. “It was working for the most part.”

  “Yeah, I was finally able to get some decent sleep,” Raven chuckled. “And if it helps, we’ll be going to the same school together. If you’re living in those new townhouses over there near the beachfront, then I know exactly where you are.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, so you’ll at least have one friend you know.” Raven turned over to face me in the dark. “It’s not going to be as bad as you think. The city is pretty cool, a lot of music, beach bros, and parties.”

  “Do you go to these said parties?” I asked sarcastically.

  “Of course, I do,” Raven scoffed. “My family is loaded, remember? And besides, all those pastel-loving beach bums secretly want a Goth girlfriend.”

  “I suppose we’ll have to find each other if I ever get out of here,” I mumbled, wondering what the nurse was going to report to my doctor. All I needed was another episode like tonight to keep me here.

  “You’ll be fine,” Raven assured. “It’s not like you hurt anyone.”

  “Not this time,” I muttered under my breath as I turned over to face the wall.

  When I was on Adderall and staying up at all hours of the night, I had grown so tired to the point that I could sleep through anything, even my sister, who was trying to defend herself from me. Jess knew the incident hadn’t been my fault and that I couldn’t help it, but I didn’t think my dad would ever forgive me for that night. The joke was on him because I would most certainly never forgive myself for it.

  I listened to Raven’s rhythmic breathing as she slept. Staring at the ceiling, I watched as the light around me grew lighter from the rising sun through our small window. As the day started, I heard the shuffling of feet from the nurses outside the door and faint screams from nearby rooms as new patients struggled with withdrawal symptoms.

  Rising from my bed, I walked over to my drawers and took out a pair of fresh, clean clothes before heading off to the communal bathroom to get ready for the day. I let Raven sleep in while I prepped myself, staring in the bathroom mirror. As I headed back for the room, I saw Raven already dressed, tying her hair back.

  “I’ll wait for you to go get breakfast,” I said, leaning against the doorframe.

  “It’s okay. A nurse already came by here
looking for you,” Raven replied. “It appears you’re being summoned.”

  “Really? This early in the morning?” I said, letting my hands drop to my side. “Anything else I should know?”

  “Not that she told me. You should probably get going in the direction of Clayborn’s office,” Raven smirked as she passed me towards the restrooms.

  Rolling my eyes, I turned around the corridor towards the good doctor’s office. It wasn’t long before I found my way outside her door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked twice and waited for her to answer. Instead of the usual call to enter, the door opened, and Dr. Clayborn stood before me. She motioned for me to join her as I took a seat in the chair in front of her desk.

  “I heard you had an episode last night. How are you feeling today?” Dr. Clayborn went to rest in her desk chair as it creaked under her weight.

  “I’m alright, thanks,” I mumbled, clasping my hands in my lap as I sat back in the chair. Dr. Clayborn looked as though she never left her office last night. Her clothes were crumpled from sleeping in them, and her hair was frizzy from being haphazardly pulled back into a ponytail.

  “You gave everyone quite a scare,” she pressed on as she noticed me eying her appearance. “Do you know what caused it?”

  “Your medication stopped working,” I replied firmly. “I thought you said a side effect of it was that I wouldn’t have dreams anymore.”

  “Ah,” she began, “That’s the thing about side effects. They’re not constant and affect only a certain percentage of patients.”

  Dr. Clayborn pulled out my file from a drawer within her desk and started writing feverishly. I listened as her pen scratched the paper as she jotted down notes. “I’m going to prescribe a different sleeping aid. Most of them are known to reduce dreams, but I can’t have you experiencing another seizure.”

  I leaned forward in my chair. “I wasn’t having a seizure—I was being attacked.”

  Dr. Clayborn dropped her pen and flicked her eyes in my direction without moving a single muscle. I had seen that look before with my mother. It was the look of someone under a lot of pressure.