by Denetria
This was it, the moment I went back and forth in my mind about, was I going to tell him about Jaheem and what had been going on? I didn’t want him to think that Jaheem was the one I wanted, but I didn’t want to hide anything from him making him think that it was more to it other than conversation. That within itself was going to have him upset, and I would understand because it would upset me if it were the other way around. Instead I said, “Nothing out of the usual, work and going to see the boys. I took their gifts they had left over here and they were happy to get them.”
“Are you sure that’s all that happened?”
“Yeah, why do you think that it wasn’t?”
“I don’t know. I mean I know that we had said that we would take the boys their things when I returned, only to find out that you went over there without me. On top of it all, you are talking extremely calm for a woman who just days ago couldn’t stand her ex. So that makes me think that something else is going on that you don’t want me to know about.”
“If there were something that I felt you needed to know I would tell you, but there isn’t. Actually the reason I’m bringing it up is so you’d know what was going on, and you got it wrong, I never said that I’d wait for you to get home before we took their things to them because it was never brought up, and if you did say it, you didn’t say it to me. It seems to me as if you are trying to pick a fight over something so stupid when you knew I wasn’t going to wait two months for you to return home to see my boys.”
“I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust any man when it comes to my woman; especially him.”
“I have to say, jealousy looks good on you.”
That night after we made love, he lay sleeping holding me in his arms. I couldn’t sleep, the thought of what had just taken place hours before still fresh on my mind. What would happen if Jaheem decides that he wanted to tell DeShaun everything, after all I wouldn’t put it past him to do whatever it takes to make my life a living hell. He could be telling me anything about his and Candice relationship, how did I know if it were true or not. Then there I’d be stuck with no relationship while he still lived his life with her. I knew there was no point in asking the girls’ what they thought, it was made clear that I had to figure this one out by myself. Going to my parents was a no go because they will never forget what Jaheem had done to me, and again I would feel that way also if it where my daughter going through it. All I could do was hope and pray that it never got out; not until I figured out what I was going to do anyway.
I awaken the next morning to DeShaun sitting at the foot of the bed. I crawled down towards him and gave him a kiss on the neck, surprised that he brushed me off as if he wanted me to leave him alone. “Is it something that you want to tell me,” he asked not looking at me.
“What do you mean? No there is nothing I have to tell you.”
“Really because your phone was blowing up this morning and I figured it was your job calling telling you not to come in. Imagine my surprise when I see this, “I rode by the house last night and I see that he has made it home. Have you told him yet? Do you think you will be able to get out today? Just send me a text and let me know. Guess who this is from Egypt? But you don’t have to guess because you already know don’t you?”
I sat there not believing what I had just heard. Why in the hell would Jaheem be riding past here and furthermore why in the hell was DeShaun going through my damn phone? I don’t care if he was fronting the bill or not, I didn’t go through his. “You want the truth, I’m about to give it to you. The day you left, I took the boys toys over to them. Candice wasn’t there, but Jaheem asked me to come in because he wanted to talk to me. Me thinking that he was going to explain what the boys had said the following night went in. But instead of talking about that he went into telling me that he and Candice relationship what he thought it was and he thinks that its like that because he still has feelings for me. He then told me that he wanted me back and he wanted his family again, and if I came back then he would make sure all of the charges were dropped and everything would go back to normal. I had heard enough because I knew the only reason he was doing this was because I was happy with you, but then he comes and tells me that he wanted to apologize for everything he had done to me. That he was young and dumb and didn’t mean to cause me so much pain.”
“Is it anything else?”
“No but I can’t believe you went through my shit. I don’t go through yours, so I would think that you would off me the same respect.”
“All I want to know is what are you going to do? Don’t have me putting my heart in something that you don’t want. If you want him go back, I will not be mad; you have children together. I’d respect you more for doing that.”
He sat in silence; a silence that I wasn’t used to. I know he was upset, and he had every right to be, but nothing happened. I hoped he would have said that he understood because nothing happened, but I wasn’t sure. Finally after breaking the silence between us he said, “What are you going to do?” That was a question I didn’t have an answer for. I don’t know. You are breaking down the wall that he had hardened; making me fall in deep for you, but he is the father of my children and we will always have this connection regardless of how wrong he did me.”
“That would be fine, but I noticed something that I hadn’t before. You said “I am making you fall deep for me, but the other night you told me that you loved me. Wow he said shaking his head. I guess I just got my answer.”
“No that doesn’t mean you got your answer. It just means that I need time to think about what I want to do. I don’t want to hurt you; I care too much about you to do that.”
“It’s funny how you keep saying that you care about me too much to hurt me when that’s exactly what you’ve done.”
“I’m sorry DeShaun. I never meant for this to happen. I’ll pack my things and move out as soon as possible. I don’t think it would be right to stay here until I get everything right. I mean I don’t want to be laying up in your house like I’m some type of gold digger.”
“No you stay here and I’ll go to one of the business condos. I told you that I am here to take care of you. If I felt that you were playing me, I’d let you know. We can still be friends so if you need me for anything let me know and I’ll be here, okay. The only thing I ask of you is to not let him into my home. This is for you just in case things don’t work out and you need a place to go. When that happens, call me and I’ll be ready to come back.”
I watched as he threw some things into his luggage bags. I opened my mouth to stop him, but the words wouldn’t come out. I wanted to tell him not to leave, that he was the only man I wanted, instead I let him walk out the door. What did I just let happen? I let a man who was more than ready to take all of me, the good and the bad side of me and love me unconditionally and I let him walk out the door for something that I wasn’t sure would work, for a relationship that I didn’t know if I was ready to fall back into.
Chapter 17
We pulled into the driveway, and I waited for the boys to come running out the door into my arms, but to my surprise, they were in school. “You have them in school? I thought you said that they would do better being schooled at home?”
“Yeah I did, but I thought they needed to be around children their own age.”
“No you mean she thought it would be better if they went to school being around children their own age right? You know what, that’s okay I really and truly don’t want to talk about it right now. “I walked in that house and things weren’t the same. I’m not talking about the décor, I knew her dumb ass would change that, I mean it wasn’t the same period. To know that she cooked in my kitchen, sat on my couch, played mommy to my boys;, and fucked my husband in our bed; it was something that I didn’t know if I could get past. I kept telling myself that all I had to do was wait until things were settled with the courts and everything was dropped against me.
I followed him up the stairs to th
e room where Jaheem had placed my things. I don’t know if it was me or if it were all in my mind, but I could still smell her scent. I went into the bathroom, closed the door, and slid down the wall, with my head in my hands crying. I couldn’t do this, I didn’t know what I was thinking; there was no way that I was going to be able to do this shit. I loved my boys’ but feelings I had for Jaheem were no more.
He knocked on the door asking me if he could come in. I was not going to let him see me like this, in this way; he would never have the privilege of seeing me cry again. “Hold on one minute,” I said as I walked over to the sink, and splashed some water on my face. “Get it together ,” I said looking at the person in the mirror before I opening the door.
“Hey is everything okay? I thought I’d go and pick the kids up early and wanted to know if you would like to go with me; you know, surprise them at school?”
“No you go ahead and get them, and I’ll be waiting when they get home. I want to start doing a little unpacking, as you can see, I have a lot of bags.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I’ll pick up some pizzas on the way home. Anything else you think you may want?”
“Whatever you decide to do is fine with me.”
“I know this is crazy and I’m sure it’s going to take a minute for you to get adjusted to the way things were but it’s going to work out.”
I watched him walk out the door and closed the door behind him. As I pulled the bedroom curtain back and watched him back out of the driveway I took what he said to heart. It was my decision to come back here, I didn’t have to but I did, so now I had to do whatever it took even if it meant living a lie. I sat there trying to decide how I was going to tell my parents’ the decision I had made as well as their reaction to the news. Things haven’t been the same between them and Jaheem since things happened between us. You know like when you have beef with someone and you both are friends with the same person so you be on chill because you don’t want to start shit, because you know if they look at you wrong you are going to set it off ? Yeah that’s the type of relationship they had. It wasn’t even about me anymore, it was about the boys’. I guess that’s why they NEVER invited him over to the house even though he was the one who paid for it.
“Fuck it,” I picked up the phone and called my parent’s. After the third ring my mother answered, “I was waiting on you to call. What the hell are you thinking? Do you know that son of a bitch just wants you back because he doesn’t want you with anybody else? You had a good man, and you leave him to go back to that piece of shit? I can’t believe you right now? You know what, I can’t do this with you right now, my blood pressure is up and I just can’t. I’m going to let you talk to your dad right now because this is crazy.”
I sat there wondering how in the hell they found out that DeShaun and I wasn’t together because no one, and I mean no one knew. It didn’t take me long to figure out what had eventually happened. “Hello Egypt, before you say anything, I didn’t know that you had not told your folks, if I did, I promise you, I would not have come over here. As a matter of fact, I don’t know what I’m doing here anyway. I guess I just wanted it not to be real. I mean can you tell me that it’s nothing between us? Can you really tell me that you are willing to throw all of this away?”
“I am not going to say that I didn’t have feelings for you, I’m not going to say I don’t. I care about you and I want to be with you, but you knew what this was when we began talking, and I’m not saying that to hurt you. I just need my boy’s in my life, and then we can work on us.”
“Why can’t we work on us while working on getting our kids’ back?”
He waited for me to answer and eventually caught on that there was nothing to be said between the two of us. I didn’t want to sound rude, nor did I want to hurt his feelings; but I had had enough of talking about it, so much that I felt as if I were talking in circles. The way he was behaving at that point of behaving stalkerish; better yet the jealous type, and I wasn’t about to deal with him there or after. What I had learned over the course of being separated from Jaheem was I had a voice and when I felt that there was a time that I needed for my voice to be heard, I needed to use it, and I should do so. I loved my parent’s but they would never understand.
“I understand believe me I do and I hold no grudges, and you are correct, I knew what I was getting into when we started this; I just didn’t know that I would fall so hard so fast. You can call me if you want, shoot me a text, but I’ll probably be leaving out again soon; if that’s the case, I would like to see you once more before I leave.”
My heart dropped knowing that I could possibly lose him. Knowing that he could leave and someone else could have his heart didn’t sit well with me, but on the other hand, I wondered if it were a rouge to get me to feel sorry and come back to him. Instead I told him, “I would like that. Thank you for understanding.” I was hoping to speak with my dad; I don’t know maybe to see if he could possibly understand where I was coming from, unfortunately I heard nothing but the click of the dial tone.
I began unpacking clothes, hanging them in the closet. I unpacked my intimates and began separating them to put in the Chester drawers when I came across the necklace DeShaun had given me. I sat holding it in my hands before placing it back around my neck. I had to hear his voice one more time. I picked up the phone and dialed his number, hanging up before it answered. I didn’t want to give him mixed signals; I knew his mind was fucked up already, but mine was also. This shit was tearing me up inside just as much as it was with him, I was confused and didn’t know what to do.
Soon Jaheem was back, pulling up in the driveway with the boys’ pizza in hand, and I; I was still no further along with the packing had I been when he left. I heard the little patter of feet and it made my heart flutter and stomach tighten as I stood at the top of the stairs waiting on them. The look on their faces was priceless as they dropped their bags and ran towards me. Tears ran down my face because this was the moment that I had waited for so long. I held them in my arms, never wanting to let them go.
That night I tried being there to help them with the things that I had missed out so much on in their lives’. I had to remind myself that even though I wanted them to be, they weren’t babies anymore and they could do things without me. I excused myself giving the excuse that I would be in “my bedroom” if I were needed. I stood by the door and listened as the boys asked Jaheem what I meant by “my bedroom” where he gave them no reply.
I walked into the bedroom and closed the door, and began continuing packing my things; until I opened the bottom dresser drawer to see the red thongs Candice had left for me. It didn’t matter what I did, how far I tried to get away, this bitch was always in my thoughts some type of way. Jaheem knocked on the door, slowly opening it to see if he could come in. I took the panties and threw them at him, “Your girl left these for you. I guess she didn’t want you to forget her while she was away.”
“Come on Egypt, I know shit is fucked up, but we are going to have to start making this work some type of way. You think I can’t see the change in you, and if I can then those boys’ down there can also. I fucked up; I admit that, but what else do you want me to do?”
“Right now, I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”
“When you find out I hope it involves your children.”
“How in the hell can you come at me like that when none of this shit wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you and your candy? You know what, you’re right, I’m here for my kids and that’s all, anything else I’m not worried about; that includes you.”
“Wow…well at least I know where I stand with you. I guess it came as no surprise. You haven’t been yourself since you arrived.”
“Are you kidding me right now? I’m supposed to be okay arriving back to a home that I made with my husband who let his whore come in and play house, raise my children and fuck in our bed? Tell my babies to bring my pizza up here, I have a headache and won’t be coming do
wn tonight.”
“You can’t even pretend like we’re doing okay? Fine, I’ll have them bring it up anything else?”
“Take your slut’s shit out of here. I don’t want to catch anything. After all, I don’t know what she’s been doing in them.”
“Damn Egypt, that’s fucked up,” he said as he walked out the door slamming it behind him.”
I sat looking in the vanity at myself. He was right, he was trying, but he had tried before. He was the reason I was like this. He was the reason I did not trust him, but he was correct when he said I had to find a way to make this work. I opened the door and went downstairs, “I hope you all left me something to eat,” I asked forcing a smile on my face.
“Mommy we got the kind that you like; all meat, extra cheese and add black olives. Was I right mommy,” Ja’Cobi asked with a smile on his face.
I smiled at him shaking my head, “yes that’s exactly how I like it,” but how did he remember that; he was too young to remember. Then I thought about it and looked at Jaheem. Ja’Cobi was looking at him with the biggest smile on his face. “I think we made mommy feel better dad,” and in a way, he had.
After dinner I stayed in the kitchen cleaning when Jaheem walked in. I had barely said two words to him since the conversation we had in the room earlier. “Thanks for earlier, I know they didn’t remember on their own.”
“No problem, he said grabbing a beer out of the frig, he said, even if it meant me having to eat black olives.”
We stood there laughing for a moment as he grabbed another beer opened it and handed it to me. “I think the kitchen is clean enough, the boys have something else for you, so come into the living room and sit down. I’ll call them down so they can get ready.” I walked into the living room and sat on the couch and listened as Jaheem called for the boys to come down. He took the beer out of my hands and placed it on the table, covering my eyes with a bandanna. “Okay boys’ I think she’s ready he said. As I heard the laughter and the patter of feet enter the room.