Keep it Secret

by Olivia Snow

  Inside the house, I rushed upstairs to wash away the angry smell radiating from my armpits. Moments after the hot water hit my face a door opened and closed. Vanessa.

  “Are you okay?” She asked, her footsteps getting closer to the shower. I didn't even bother to open my eyes.

  “Couldn’t be better Van, how are you?”

  “Don’t get snappy with me Ava. I’m on your side. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I am not your enemy.” By the tone in her voice she was probably crossing her arms maybe even scowling. Breathing out heavily I spoke against the running water.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take it out on you I’m just not in the mood to talk about it. Okay?”

  “All right but when you are, I’m here for you. You know that right?”

  “I know, Van. When I’m ready I’ll talk to you.” I turned off the water opening the glass door. Vanessa stood outside the shower door holding a robe I wrapped it around me and stepped out of the shower.

  “I love you.” She said bringing me into a hug. Hugging her back tightly I replied. “Me too.”

  Our sisterly moment was interrupted by a knock on my side of the bathroom door.

  “Ava, when you’re dressed I’d like to speak with you. I’ll be in my office.” Uncle Bill said.

  “Okay” I replied. Waiting a couple of minutes before entering my room.

  “Wish me luck.” I said to Vanessa before leaving the bathroom.

  “Good luck.”

  Quickly, I dressed in skinny jeans and a simple black tee before going to his office. Knocking before entering, he looked at me setting down the paper he was reading then taking off his reading glasses.

  “Shut the door, please.” He said. I did as I was told. “Take a seat.” He pointed at the chair across from his desk.

  “Ava, I’m sorry I called you that name. That was very unkind of me and very out of character.” He said very business like, no real sincerity, no love or understanding. Violent red began to grow inside my gut.

  “What name Uncle Bill? Oh, you mean a whore, right? No, I’m not a whore I’ve never gotten paid for sleeping with a man. I do that for free.” I lay back on the chair waiting for his response.

  “Don’t do this. Ava. What would your father say?” Oh, that was fucking ridiculous I’ve had enough of this shit.

  “What would my father say? You have the nerve to ask me that? He would be disgusted by the fact that his wife let herself turn into a worthless piece of shit for an entire year while his thirteen-year-old daughter cleaned up after her and took care of her…while…his best friend did nothing. Just swept it under the rug and pretend they would be fine. Don’t you dare judge me or throw my father in my face, you have no idea what my life has been like!” It wasn’t until his office phone rang that I realized I was yelling. My hands trembled while my mouth went so dry it was difficult to move my tongue. I needed a fix, soon. With the phone still ringing I stood to leave looking back at Uncle Bill before exiting the office. He wasn’t able to hold eye contact with me. In shame he dropped his head letting out a soft cry. His huddled body shook with emotion, I had no sympathy for him, none. I’d apologize for sleeping with Reggie in the Cynthia’s car further than that I had nothing to be sorry for. I looked down at him in disgust before walking out of his office slamming the door behind me. In my room, I stumbled into the closet frantically shoving unpacked boxes out the way looking for the blue Sterilite plastic bin that held my stash of liquid escape. Popping off the lid, my breath slowly stabilized still my hands shook as I picked up a bottle of Jose Cuervo. My once dry mouth was now salivating as I twisted open the bottle taking a swig…then another and another.

  Finally after the fifth drink my body relaxed a bit enabling me to stand from my crouched position. With my bottle and phone in hand, I laid on my bed plugging in my headset, pressing shuffle on my Spotify playlist. Picture by Kid Rock began to play. Nice, best drinking song ever! Five more shots from the bottle and I was feeling fuzzy all over. I grabbed my crucifix kissing it. It always felt like it would go directly to my dad it was the chain that linked us, me here on earth him in heaven. Grunting, I took another drink, he would be embarrassed by me, I know. I’m a disappointment, but I didn’t know where to start and fix my fucked up issue with sex and alcohol. How do I change five years of self-deprecation? I’ve considered counseling before, Rose had brought it up a couple of years back but I shut her down and she’s never brought it up again. And that’s another problem, she was so quick to stop pushing me she never tried hard enough, ever. I’m the poster child for acting out to get some sort of attention from the adults in my life. My mother was to weak, my aunt and uncle didn't care enough to try and help; yes they had their lives they needed to get back to but I couldn't imagine leaving my niece in the hands of a parent who was incapable of letting her own shit go for the sake of her daughters well being. Declan was right our parents did suck.

  Shaking the thoughts from my head, I chug the liquid until it pushed me into a drunken stupor, helping me forget feeling crappy about my pathetic life, as I drank my phone rang in my ear disrupting Styx’s Renegade that was now playing.

  “Ollo?” I howled…I was drunkity drunk drunk.

  “Ava?” The familiar masculine voice asked.

  “Yuppers!”

  “Umm, hey it’s Reggie.”

  “Helloooo, Reggie.” Reggie laughed. He’s laughing at me, well that’s not very nice, is it?

  “Are you drunk?”

  “Aren’t you per…percept...perceptive.” Ooh-wee, I was drunk.

  “Okaaay? Are you coming down tonight?”

  “Mmm nope! I’m done with ya, Rrreggie. I’m closed, no more penis for me.” I grumbled looking at my phone trying to figure out why my music stopped playing.

  “You’re kidding me right? Hell would freeze over before you kept your legs closed.”

  “Ha. Ha! Don’t get all butthurt because I’mnotletting you hititanymore. Get over yourself, lose mynumber ash-hole!” I hung up before he could respond. Styx resumed in my ear. Yay! My music was back. Before the song was done I closed my eyes drifting off to never, never land feeling happily numb.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Vanessa

  After Ava left the bathroom I replayed what Daddy told me in his office. What was Ava doing that was so major that it needed professional intervention? My stomach flipped at the possibilities. Maybe it’s best if I let my imagination loose in a video game instead of Ava’s demons. The disaster of a morning was soon forgotten as I alternated between playing Call of Duty and Skyrim. Spending the entire day on my game console it wasn’t long before 5:30 came around. My nerves resurfaced, as it was now time to start getting ready. Ridiculously, giddy I paced to Ava’s room for some wardrobe assistance hoping that would somehow cheer her up. After knocking with no answer, I got worried. Slowly, I opened her bedroom door the smell of alcohol flooded my nose, to my surprise she was passed out on her bed with a half empty bottle of tequila on the nightstand. This was perhaps one of those things she was seeking help for. Was it possible to be an alcoholic at this age? I mean how did she manage to get enough alcohol to be one? She’s not twenty-one yet. Quietly, I walked over to a small closet on the opposite side of the room grabbing a white quilt. Covering my cousin with the blanket I brushed a black silky strand of hair from her face tucking it behind her ear.

  “What are you doing, Ava?” I whispered into the air. Ava murmured something in her sleep as she shifted in the bed. Before walking out of her room I looked back at the person I knew like a sister, now I wasn’t sure who I was looking at.

  The hot water felt awesome. I hummed and sang the very few words I knew from Breathe by Michelle Branch. Breeeaaathhh…something, something, something everything is alriggght. By my interpretation of the second chorus I was squeaky-clean ready to fry my hair with hot air. Brushing my hair with one hand and the dryer in the other, I secretly wished the sound of the blowing air would wake Ava up. She needed a
lecture or two and I was more than willing to give it to her. Unfortunately, by the time I was finished she was snoring. I could hear her deep slumber echo into the bathroom. She was knocked out I guess that’s what half a bottle of tequila will do to you. Instead of thinking about Ava, I should start to get ready for my date. Since this was an actual date, I figured a little makeup would be all right, Mother would not approve but since she wasn't here…what momma doesn't know won’t kill her. Now, to figure out what I should wear. My closet that was the size of a dorm room was enough to be the envy of any girl. I was lucky. Inside everything was color coordinated divided into sections according to the season. Walking to the summer selection I pushed the hung clothing about, trying to make up my mind. After trying on several different outfits my closet looked like it exploded designer clothes. At this point I was ready to call Gabriel and cancel, but then I saw it. It was placed on the floor with the rest of the rejects. I must have not even noticed it was in the closet and thrown it on the floor with the others. It was a lime green summer dress with thin straps. I took a white half sleeve cardigan off the hanger grabbing my favorite tan colored strappy sandals to complete my look. By the time I was done, it was 6:55. I took one more look in the mirror before leaving grabbing my red cross-body bag. Midway down the stairs, the doorbell rang.

  Oh, sweet Jesus.

  I’m going to barf. Daddy came out of the den holding his finger up for me to wait where I was as Daddy opened the door he stepped aside, asking Gabriel to come in.

  “It’s good to finally meet you in person, Gabriel. I’ve heard you're quite the athlete.” Daddy praised as he shook Gabriel’s hand.

  “Thank you, sir. I do all right. I’m hoping to get scouted this year.” Gabriel replied. Even from behind he looked good. Gabriel wore khaki fitted shorts that went down to his knees, white fitted polo and cream-colored loafers. His hair was parted on the side like always.

  “Are you going to stand there all day and just stare at the boy? Or are you going to come down and say hello?” Daddy called to me. I instantly felt my cheeks burn just as Gabriel turned around to face me.

  Jeez thanks Dad!

  “Wow, you look great.” Gabriel ignored my tomato face instead paid me a sweet compliment. I slowly walked down the stairs afraid I might trip and fall on my face, which could very well happen. I tried really hard not to hang my head low in embarrassment Daddy chuckled because he could see right through me. He was enjoying this a little too much.

  “Have her back by ten, all right son?”

  “Yes, sir, absolutely.” Gabriel replied.

  “Keep your cell phone on at all times, Princess.”

  “Of course, Daddy.” I said giving him a kiss on the cheek.

  Gabriel led me outside opening the passenger door to his black Mercedes. I took off my purse before climbing in the car making sure to tuck in my dress with both hands. When Gabriel got in the car I tried to calm my nerves, the close proximity to him was enough to break out into a sweating fit.

  “You really do look beautiful.” He said. I blushed of course like the idiot that I am.

  “Thank you.” I replied. He smiled wide before starting the car.

  The theater was packed with moviegoers, a lot of which were kids from school. While at the ticket booth I spotted Talon, he waved ‘hi’ but made no attempt to come over. Once inside Gabriel bought us a bucket of popcorn and two drinks. We made small talk as we waited for the movie to start I was still pretty nervous but was getting more comfortable by the minute. We agreed on a raunchy comedy about a group of college students going on a road trip.

  “I’m surprised you wanted to see this particular movie.” He said. I threw a halfway popped kernel in my mouth.

  “Why? Because it’s filled with sexual content and situations?” I smiled.

  “Uh, sort of, I never pegged you for a girl who liked this type of movie.”

  “It’s all fake, it’s not real life. I find it hilarious to be totally honest.” Gabriel smiled directing his attention back to the screen. After the movie, we made our way to a very popular Italian restaurant in town. It might sound crazy, having a half Italian cousin and all, but I wasn’t the biggest fan of Italian food. I don't know why, maybe all the tomato that’s used or the spices? I didn’t have the heart to disappoint Gabriel so I stayed quiet. Looking at the menus, Gabriel asked what I thought of the movie.

  “I thought it was hysterical, what about you?”

  “Yeah, it was pretty funny, but some of the stuff was pretty raunchy, don't you think?”

  “Well, that’s what made it funny, silly.” I responded looking back at the menu.

  “See, that baffles me.” He said puzzled.

  “Why is that?”

  “You’re so…such a—”

  “Goody two shoes?” I said cutting him off.

  “That’s not a bad thing. Vanessa.” He replied sincerely. Which made my fondness for him grow even stronger.

  “Just because I live my life a particular way doesn't mean I look down at other people that live their lives differently than mine. I thought the movie was hilarious, would I engage in the acts they participated in? Absolutely not, pasta salad looks good, what are you getting?” I looked up to find Gabriel staring at me, my thoughts of Italian salads disappeared. Now, I was thinking how to make my skin change back to its normal tone and not a cherry red.

  “What?” I asked shyly.

  “Nothing, you really surprise me, is all.” He smiled looking down at his menu for the first time since taking a seat. After placing our order, I asked Gabriel about the different wrestling techniques he used. He explained and I pretended to know what he was talking about. Soon enough our food was placed in front of us.

  “What did you do all day?” I asked sipping on my lemon water. Gabriel started to choke on his food, taking a napkin he coughed into it.

  “Are you okay? Here, drink some water.” I said pushing the glass in his direction. He took a sip of water clearing his throat before speaking.

  “Ahem, sorry that went down the wrong pipe.” He replied sounding a little embarrassed.

  “I hung out with my mom, what did you do?”

  “Nothing really, just played video game—” I cut myself short mumbling the last of my sentence, my eyes widened, instantly I looked down at my plate. Oh my God, he's going to think I’m such a nerd. What kind of girl plays video games all day?

  “Played…what?” He inquired.

  Should I lie? What can I respond with that sounds like video games?

  Nothing sounds like video games.

  How about rodeo frames?

  How is that going to make sense?

  Bah! I sound like a loony having a full on debate with myself.

  “Video games.” I whisper taking a drink of my water again.

  “Did you say video games?”

  “Um, yes?” I replied.

  “Nice, what do you play?” Well, that was unexpected.

  “I love to play any RPG and first person shooting games.”

  “RPG?” He asked.

  “Role playing game.”

  “Oh, I see, that’s cool, I’ve never met a girl that likes video games. Don't tell me you like comic books too?” He asked, it sounded like he's teasing me, like there’s no way I would. Boy was he mistaking.

  “Oh, of course not.” I said trying to sound sure of myself. I guess being a girl gamer was cool, comic book geek, not so much.

  “Wait, you do?” Gabriel’s voice rose a bit from shock.

  “Yes?” Ugh, get a good look at him while you still can Vanessa, he won’t want to hang out with you again.

  “Wow, how is that possible, you're like every guy dream come true. Wait, don't tell me you're like really into football too?” I giggled, feeling a warm sensation in my stomach.

  You’re like every guys dream come true. I hope I’m his dream come true.

  “Unfortunately, no, all that entails sports and the outside is Ava’s department, I’m an
indoor type of person.”

  Gabriel nodded as he continued to eat his food his mood shifted a little throwing me off. But it quickly faded as he finished his bite.

  Odd.

  “How’s your salad?” He asked.

  “Oh, delicious, how’s your pasta?”

  “Delicious.”

  Belly full of salad and Gabriel butterflies, we walked towards the promenade. After walking around for some time, we stopped by an ice cream shop and shared a cup of chocolate ice cream, two spoons of course.

  “So, you and Talon have two classes with Ava?” I asked taking a spoonful of ice cream.

  “Yeah, and Mallory, they seem to be hitting it off pretty well.”

  “Mallory Richards?” I asked. He nodded with a mouth full of ice cream. Well, how about that, Mother had been try to force a friendship with Mallory because of Mallory’s “status” but we never got along. It could have possibly been that we were both fighting for the title of Valedictorian.

  On the way home both Gabriel and I were quiet, I was a ball of knots. How do these things end? Was it required to kiss or could I get away with just a hug. It sounded ridiculous, me being seventeen years old with no form of experience with boys but I was sheltered pretty much all my life and the thought of kissing a boy scared the bejesus out of me, especially one that looked like Gabriel.

  Gabriel stopped the car and quickly ran over to open my door.

  “Thank you.” I whispered.

  “I’ll walk you up.” He responded.

  Luckily the ingrained politeness that had been pushed down my throat since I could walk kicked in and I was able to untangle my tongue and say something. “I had a really nice time, thanks for everything.”

  “I had a really good time, too. I hope we can do it again?”

  Really?

  Oh, my.

  Yes!

  “I’d love that.” I replied surprised I sounded so calm and collected.