Keep it Secret

by Olivia Snow

  5. I have difficulty making decisions.

  Ha! You mean I have difficulty making the decision whether or not to stop hanging out with my cousins almost boyfriend? The boy who I'm falling in love with? No. Not at all. Somewhat

  6. I have lost interest in aspects of life that used to be important to me.

  I haven't lost interest in things that make me forget, like sex and alcohol. Those things are very important to me, but school. That was important to me five years ago and I've lost the drive for it. Somewhat

  7. I feel sad, blue and unhappy.

  No, shit. Very much

  8. I am agitated and keep moving around.

  Can I rephrase the question? I am agitated from all the moving around. Very much

  9. I feel fatigued.

  Not at all

  Right as I finished, the door to Dr. Charles Parker, PSY.D opened a tall slender man with salt and pepper hair and hazel eyes stepped out into the reception area. The doc was pretty hot…for an old man, older man I should say. He was wearing dark grey slacks, a white dress shirt and a light blue V-neck sweater layered on top.

  “Ava?” He asked looking between Rose and me. Rose nudged me with her elbow after I didn't respond.

  “Yup.” I replied standing up looking back at Rose waiting for her to follow me.

  “It’ll just be you and me, Ava.” I looked at Rose trying to give her the Oh, no you didn't look, her eyes begged for me to go in without causing a scene. I sighed heavily in defeat. Dr. Charles Parker gestured for me to enter his office, stepping through the threshold his office had the same black desk as the receptionist but his was double the size, across from his desk were two white leather loveseat facing each other with a black coffee table in between. Behind the loveseat that was closest to the door, stood a floor to ceiling dark wood bookshelf that was filled with books.

  “Take a seat.” He said motioning towards both loveseats. I sat on the one facing the door. Dr. Charles sat on the other one in his lap he read through the forms I filled out, chuckling quietly. Was he laughing at me? What the fuck is his problem? That is so not professional.

  “I’m sorry, did I miss the joke in the questionnaire?” I snarled.

  “Oh, no, I apologize I wasn't laughing at you, it was your answer to question seven, you wrote down, no shit. Every time I read through these forms I always say the same thing. I mean you’re obviously here seeking help for something and ninety-nine percent of my patients are either sad or unhappy. I was just agreeing with you.” He responded.

  “Oh. Still, you shouldn't laugh to yourself while you’re with a patient, it’s very unprofessional.” I said crossing my arms. Dr. Charles smiled tightly nodding his head in agreement.

  “Yes, you're absolutely right. Like I said I apologize.”

  I didn’t respond.

  “Sincerely.”

  I simply nodded.

  “So, tell me what brings you here, Ava.”

  “Rose.”

  “All right and Rose is your…?”

  “Mother.” I snapped.

  “Have you always called her by her first name?”

  “No.”

  Dr. Charles looked at me like he was waiting for me to elaborate but I was so sick of talking about this. I was all talked out. So, I ignored his silent request and stared back blankly. He cleared his throat before continuing.

  “Are you currently attending college?”

  “No.”

  “Taking a break?”

  I sighed. “No, I’m a senior in high school.”

  “Great, which school do you attend?”

  “Eagle Academy.”

  “Do you like it there?”

  “It’s high school, what do you think?” I cocked my eyebrow.

  “I had fun all throughout my high school career, especially during my senior year.” Of, course you did.

  “Well, you wouldn't have had so much fun if you were a year older than everyone and in a completely different high school than the one you were in the first three years.”

  “Very true, do you find it difficult to connect with your classmates?”

  I looked at the clock that hung above his desk. Only ten minutes had elapsed, holy hell.

  “Ava, why are you here, honestly? You're eighteen and technically an adult there’s no court order no one is forcing you to be here.” His comment caught me off guard.

  “I…I…I’m trying to get better.” I stumbled on my words.

  “In order to do that, you need to open up to me, we need to get to the bottom root of why you're ‘trying to get better’ the sooner we get there the sooner you can heal.”

  “I know the ‘bottom root’.” I sighed.

  “All right, tell me then.” He motioned with his hand as he held a pen between his thumb and index finger. Taking in a deep breath I sighed in frustration, I was over my own pitiful life and talking about it.

  “My dad died when I was thirteen.” His eyes called for me to continue. How does he do that?

  “Afterwards, my mother became depressed, she wouldn't get out of bed. So, I tried my best to take care of her and everything else.” I rubbed my forehead this mess was giving me a headache.

  “What is everything else?”

  “Bills, food, cleaning, homework…” I counted with my fingers running down the list.

  “I see, and when you say take care of her what do you mean, exactly?”

  “Umm, I don’t know, like you would take care of a baby?” I glared at him like he was an idiot.

  “I don’t want to assume anything, Ava. You have to be very clear with me.”

  “Listen, I’m trying to open up here but she's right outside that door, I’m not going into details and embarrass her. All right?” I scowled at him so he understood not to push the subject.

  “All right, I understand.” He said nodding then writing something on his notebook. I glanced at the clock another ten minutes had passed. Forty minutes to go.

  “How long was your mother incapable of caring for herself?”

  “A year.”

  “And in that time how did you grieve for your father?”

  “I coped by having sex with older guys and drinking alcohol.” He nodded, again, scribbling in his notebook.

  “Did you seek help from any of your other family members or friends?”

  “My Aunt Cynthia, Rose’s older sister, and her husband Bill came and stayed with us for a week after my father’s death.”

  “They stayed with you and your mother for a week?”

  “Yeah, his death didn’t intimately affect them, they needed to get back to their own lives.”

  “Was your mother incapacitated during that week?” He asked.

  “The first two days she just cried then on the third day she went to bed and didn't get out for an entire year.” I looked back at the clock. Fifteen minutes to go. Glancing over at Dr. Charles Parker he was writing something down nodding his head as he either agreed with his comments or was thinking of a next question to ask.

  “How many sexual partners have you had?” He looked at me dead serious. Was this question necessary?

  “I don’t kiss and tell, Doc.” I stared back at him just as serious.

  “Besides alcohol, have you experimented with other drugs?”

  “I tried a few but I don't like the feeling of not being in control.”

  “Are you able to control yourself with alcohol?”

  “I rarely get drunk, when I drink it’s to feel good not to wake up the next morning feeling like shit.” Ten more minutes.

  “Would you say you’re addicted to sex?”

  I snorted. “No, I’m not a sex-a-holic, if anything I’m an alcoholic.”

  “Are you an alcoholic?” He asked deadpan.

  Yes. “No.” I quickly responded, I guess this guy isn't up for any jokes.

  Dr. Charles jotted on his notepad before closing it and setting it down beside him. He lifted his leg resting it on the opposite knee.


  “Ava, you’ve suffered a horrible tragedy at a very influential time in your life. Your mother was not in a position to be there for you and safely guide you through this tragedy. Her sole responsibility as a parent is to protect, guide and love you. Not only did she fail you, so did your aunt and uncle. From the questionnaire, you filled out you suffer from mild to severe depression, of the events in your life I would have to agree with you and say no shit. If it’s all right with you I would like for you to come back so that we can figure out a better way for you to grieve from the loss of not only your father but your mother as well.”

  Hearing someone else say it out loud hurt more than actually telling myself. It was a blow to my chest.

  “It’s fine with me.” I said softly not sure where my voice had gone.

  “Great, times up. However, we’ll see each other next week?”

  I nodded yes standing up he stood also, extending his hand to shake mine.

  “It was a pleasure to meet you, Ava.”

  “You as well, Dr. Charles Parker.”

  Before returning home, Rose and I grabbed a late lunch at a new Mexican restaurant that opened up a week ago. We sat in awkward silence as we ate, she didn't ask about my session and I didn't divulge. We both knew that it was going to take a lot more than a night of crying and Babbo’s pictures to repair our relationship or lack there of. By the time, we arrived at the Saint John mansion everyone was home. Reaching the door I stopped Rose.

  “Rose, I just want to go straight to bed. I need to catch up on my sleep.” I hoped she was able to read between the lines I didn't want to get bothered by anyone I just wanted to be left alone. Rose smiled sweetly nodding in understanding.

  “It’s all right, sweetheart.” She leaned in to plant a kiss on my forehead but stopped as I stiffened. This was all too fast for me I wasn't used to getting hugs and kisses from her. Just because I let her hold me last night didn't mean I was suddenly open to her motherly touches. Recognition lite up her eyes and not in a good way, Rose smiled tightly nodding one more time before walking away in the direction of the kitchen. Inside my room, I stripped down putting on a tank top and pajama shorts.

  “Aren’t you a site for sore eyes?” I purred at my bed. Pulling back the covers I laid down resting my head on the airy pillow as sleep started to take over my phone rang. Are you fucking kidding me? Snatching the phone off the nightstand I glared at the unknown number flashing on my screen. Who the hell was this?

  “Hello?” I answered irritated.

  “Hey.” I instantly knew who it was. My mood changed drastically.

  “How did you get my number?” I asked grinning from ear to ear.

  “Don’t get mad all right? Talon took it from Vanessa’s phone and then I took it from his phone. So expect a call from Talon soon.” We both chuckled.

  “You really are bad at asking a girl for her number aren't you?” He ignored my question, I knew why he avoided it he didn't want the reminder of ‘seeing’ two girls at the same time.

  “You weren't in school today.”

  “Yeah, after you dropped me off Rose and I got into it. I agreed to see a psychiatrist. She must have thought I was kidding because she set up an appointment right away.” I looked up at the ceiling as I talked. I’ve never told Gabriel why I would need to seek counseling and my confessing it probably through him off but I wasn’t in the mood nor did I have the energy to tell him. A part of me wanted him to run for the hills once he heard me say ‘psychiatrist’ it would make this entire situation with Vanessa, him and me a lot easier.

  “So, things are headed in the right direction then?” His voice was calming and nonjudgmental, without even meaning to my mind stirred up the image of him in his boxers, his muscular arms—

  “Ava? Are you there?”

  “I’m sorry, did you say something?” I asked embarrassed that I had drifted off to naked Gabriel land.

  “Things are better then?” He repeated.

  “Yes. Better.” Maybe the outburst I had in the track field was enough for him to realize I had deep seeded issues and he wasn’t going to snoop. Oddly enough, that sort of bugged me.

  “Will I see you tomorrow?” He asked.

  “Yes.”

  “I missed you.” His words sent a slow warm river of lava down my belly making me lick my lips.

  “I missed you too.” I replied in a whisper.

  “Good night.”

  “Good night.” I said.

  “Hey, Ava?” I heard him say before hanging up.

  “Yeah?” There was a moment of silence before he spoke. “Sogni d’oro.” He added the best he could. I couldn’t help but feel that wasn’t what he wanted to say. Still, I smiled and replied, “Sweet Dreams, Blue.”

  Hanging up, I easily fell asleep dreaming of naked Gabriel.

  Chapters Twenty

  Vanessa

  “Are you mad at me?” I asked Ava picking a corner of her bed to sit on.

  “No, not at all? Why would you ask that?” She replied walking out of the closet with her expressive eyebrows drawn in with confusion, sitting on the opposite corner of the bed giving me her full attention. We haven't spoke about what happened last night and I wasn’t going to pry, if she wanted to talk to me she would. But I felt like she was closing herself off to me, I had been feeling this way for the past week. It almost felt like she was holding a grudge against me.

  After the argument with my parents at the Four Seasons, mother apologized for hitting me and promised to stop being so controlling or at least try her hardest. She still didn’t say anything about the Ava situation. I doubt she ever would. Dad seemed to believe that threatening her he would leave if she didn’t change would help, why he decided to “grow a pair” now was beyond me. He also told mother about Gabriel, she agreed to have him over for dinner this week. That didn’t take much convincing. She was actually happy about that.

  “You’re so distant towards me. We were so close when we were kids what happened to that?”

  “Life happened, Van.” She replied bitterly.

  “I can’t begin to understand what you’re feeling or what you've been through but I’m your family, Ava. I’ve never disappointed you, ever.” Ava sighed shaking her head.

  “I know you haven’t but I’m not going to talk to you about my past, Van, I’m just not.”

  “Why? Don't you trust me?”

  “It’s not about trust you, there’s just things a person like you doesn’t need to hear. It’s not worth what it can do to you.” A person like me, what is that supposed to mean?

  “What kind of person am I, pray tell?”

  “Vanessa, you take someone else’s problems and make them your own. Not on purpose but you let yourself feel what that person is feeling and you dwell and you try to fix it. That’s how good of a heart you have; you’re a freaking angel on earth. And I won’t tarnish you by sharing my past.” Her gaze was drained with sadness I’ve never seen a person that was so tired of being sad that it practically highlighted her facial expressions. It was breaking my heart.

  “You have a good heart to, Ava, don't diminish how you are as a person.”

  Ava chuckled humorlessly. “If you only knew, Vanessa. If you only knew.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ava

  The next couple of days were uneventful. Except for the Headmistress finally giving me permission to park my truck in the student parking lot school was the same as it was last week. Gabriel and I exchanged looks throughout our classes together and when lunchtime came around, I tried my best not to be around him and Vanessa. Talon still insisted on taking me out on a date and every time he asked I said ‘no’. Surprisingly, Mallory and I became fast friends she had moved in with her wealthy father after her mother decided to move to Canada with her new girlfriend. Like me, she didn't grow up wealthy but in the poorer side of Denver. Back at the mansion things were unpleasant to say the least. Bill and Cynthia barely spoke to me, which made living in their house extremely awkw
ard. Vanessa didn't ask any questions, but I could tell she was hurt by my lack of honesty. Rose and I made it a point to take a walk together every time I got home from school. We would talk about our day but mainly we’d talk about Babbo. By Friday, Mallory and I agreed to study together after school for an economics exam we had the following week. I called Rose to let her know that I was going over to Mallory’s house to study but would be home for dinner, maybe even later because Mal was having a hard time grasping the concept between Micro and Macroeconomics.

  “No, Microeconomics is the behavior of people and companies within the economy. Macroeconomics is a study of “the big picture” in the economy. Think of it this way, micro is small, i.e. people and companies. Macro is the economy as a whole.”

  “Ugh, this is so frustrating! I’m good at everything else except anything that has to do with business.” Mallory whined banging her head on the open textbook.

  “Don’t worry Mal, you'll get it.” I pet her head pressing the home button on Mallory’s phone to check the time. Mine was in my bag and I was too lazy to bend down and pick it up.

  “Damn, I need to leave, I’m late for dinner.” I said, collecting my things shoving them in my satchel.

  “I’ll have Franklin drive you.”

  “Thanks.” I said, getting up from the table walking towards the front door as Mallory walked behind me.

  “Thanks for your help, babe. We should hang out this weekend.” Mallory said turning the knob to the door.

  “Yeah, that sounds good, text me.” We exchanged hugs goodbye before I climbed into the black luxury SUV. As Franklin pulled into the driveway, I spotted Declan’s Rover parked in front of the door. This should be fun. I thanked Franklin for the ride and hurry inside. Closing and locking the door I call out after the robotic alarm announced the opening of the front door.

  “Sorry, I’m late.” Setting my satchel down next to the stairs I walked into the dining room. To my unwelcome surprise, I saw Gabriel sitting next to Vanessa. I must have missed his car. I was too busy looking at Declan’s. Luckily, the adults were not at the table and Vanessa was too busy looking at Gabriel to miss the look on my face. Gabriel on the other hand, looked like he was about to throw up, that, or launch himself across the table to kiss me. Suddenly, I felt my bra strap crack against my skin I squealed in horror turning around to see Declan’s grinning face.