Keep it Secret

by Olivia Snow

  “I was a virgin.” He mashed his lips against mine, desperately I opened my mouth welcoming his tongue—wait what? I pushed him back and sat up letting the sheet that was covering my goodies pool around my waist.

  “You were—what the fuck did you just say, Gabriel?” I was speechless for once in my freaking unholy life I was speechless.

  Gabriel looked down but not in embarrassment. He looked down to my exposed chest. Licking his lips as his eyes hooded. I caught his hand as it reached to cup one of my breasts smacking it away I gripped the sheet to cover myself.

  “Gabriel!” I shrieked.

  “Ouch!” He shook his hand like it hurt and laughed. I’m glad he found this amusing because I couldn’t see the fucking humor in it. I glared at him he instantly shut up.

  “Okay, okay I’m sorry. I was a virgin, you took my virginity the night of Danny’s party.” He said it like it was nothing, I mean before meeting Gabriel sex was a cold and emotionless way for me to cope with losing control of my life. But now I see it as something completely different, thanks to him.

  “How the hell do you go on for seventeen years looking the way you do and not have chicks constantly throwing themselves at you? I know you're a good guy, Blue, but seriously you're still a dude.” I’m dumbfounded by his confession I just couldn't wrap my brain around the situation but then I started to place the pieces together, no wonder he wasn’t aggressive that night in the bathroom. I thought it was cute the way he hesitated, but in reality he just didn't know what he was doing. And then it hit me. I raped him. I gasped snapping my hand to my mouth, tears flooding my eyes.

  “I raped you!” I croaked burying my face in my hands.

  “What! No, you didn't rape me! Did I ever say no? I had the opportunity to leave the bathroom, Ava, but I didn’t. You can’t rape the willing.” Gabriel said with lightness in his voice as he lay back down on his back bringing me with him. I felt incredibly stupid but also ashamed of myself. I deflowered this beautiful boy, he said it was what he wanted but the feeling that I had robbed him of something was heavy on my heart.

  “It was something I will never forget not only was it amazing but because you opened me up, Ava. You exposed a part of me I didn't know existed. I see life so much differently because of you. That’s cheesy right?” He asked, tenderly circling his fingertips against my bare shoulder.

  “No, not at all, honestly, I feel the same way, Blue. You can’t begin to understand what you’ve done for me.” His hold tightened around me making me forget all about my shitty life. I closed my eyes as I felt his breathing become steady against my cheek we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

  By the time, we woke up it was dark outside. Gabriel, drove me home and once again dropped me off a block away from the main gate at my request. I hated coming back, but I had nowhere else to go I contemplated calling Declan. Maybe I could stay with him a couple of days in Denver until everything settled but the thought of dealing with Eric and Jordan instantly evaporated that idea. The house was dark from the outside I hoped everyone had gone to sleep by now. Stepping into the foyer, I locked the front door behind me. Before I could run upstairs Rose called my name.

  “Shit! You startled me, Rose! What are you doing lurking around in the shadows?” I said out of breath feeling my heart thumping against my chest.

  “I was waiting for you.” She said softly. This was so unlike her, after a fight she wouldn't try to talk to me she would just let it go.

  “Come here. I want to show you something.” She called, beckoning me with her hand as she walked into the den.

  “Rose, I’m not in the mood I have to go—” before I could finish she interrupted me.

  “I have pictures of Babbo I want you to see.” She said over her shoulder, as if placed on a spell I stopped dead in my tracks following her into the room. On the floor was a picturesque disarray of pictures a collage of my father’s life scattered before me. I dropped to my knees my hands rattled not knowing which one to pick up first. My eyes snapped back and forth with all the memories it felt like I had won the memory jackpot. I picked up a white and black photo of a couple I had never seen before the women in the photo was beautiful, her wedding dress was something out of a fairy tale. It was a princess gown the lace covered her arms and wrapped around her neck, a veil topped her head that ran down past her gown trailing along the floor. The man looked identical to my father. He was handsome chiseled strong jaw with jet-black hair and matching eyes.

  “That’s your grandfather, Lorenzo and grandmother Teresa on their wedding day.” I nodded still mesmerized by the pictures; carefully I placed it back in its spot. A photo of me as a baby asleep on my dad’s chest lay in front of me. Another of him and I covered in mud after I had tackled him into a mud puddle. Picking it up I brushed my fingertip along my dads face. He was striking, midnight hair, just like mine, his eyes were a dark brown almost black. I remembered being out in public with him and women stopping mid walk just to stare at him, not to mention he had an Italian accent when he spoke and he was charming to boot. He loved my mother with a passion they acted like high-schooler’s every time they were together. Stealing kisses from each other every chance they got they could never keep their hands off each other. I loved seeing them so in love.

  When I was younger I wanted to fall in love with someone that way. And like an atomic bomb it hit me, she lost the love of her life; her soul mate. The man that after I left home, would be there to grow old with was no longer alive. They shared so many memories together, shared hopes and dreams and all that was taken from her. I’m not condoning what she did, she royally fucked me up, but after five years I felt some sort of compassion for her. The feelings I had for Gabriel don’t compare one iota to what my parents shared, but because of Gabriel I was able to understand why my mother was so devastated. The sudden wave of emotion came crashing into my chest and all I wanted was to be held by my mommy. That feeling you get when you’re sick and all you need is a hug from your mom to make you feel better.

  “Mamma?” I cried softly. Looking up at her, her eyes were pouring tears arms open inviting me in for a hug. I leaped forward into her arms and for the first time in five years she catches me.

  “Oh, Ava! Oh baby, I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry, bebè.” She cradled my head rocking back and forth raining tiny kisses all over my face. Her salty tears dripped on my face but I didn’t care, all I wanted do was bury my head in her arms and feel her love and warmth wrapped around me, making me feel protected for once in a very long time.

  That night, we cried, yelled, talked, cried and yelled some more until the sun rose. We discussed everything and this time I didn’t hold back. We both agree to see a therapist together, well I agreed. She manipulated me into it, pulling the ‘Babbo would have wanted this’ card. Gawking at the giant clock that hung in the den it read 9:30 in the morning. Shit, I guess no school for me today.

  “Where’s everyone, its 9:30?” I asked standing to stretch my legs.

  “They left yesterday afternoon, they’re staying in a hotel so we could have some privacy. We should probably get some sleep and stop while we’re ahead.”

  I nodded trying to hold back a massive yawn, sluggishly; we walked back to our rooms. I hit the mattress diving right into oblivion. After what felt like five minutes, Rose called my name shaking me awake. Are you kidding me? I thought about ignoring her but remembered the last time she had woken me up. My left eye snapped open. Rose was leaning over me with her hand on my shoulder.

  “Ava, wake up. We have an appointment in an hour.” I was flabbergasted. Did she really just say what I think she said?

  “Rose, seriously? I agreed to see a therapist but right now? I’m exhausted, can’t we reschedule for another day? Or week?” A part of me missed the nonintrusive parent, a little part.

  “Come on, Ava, get up and get dressed. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Vanessa

  Time stood still as I heard
Ava cry her heart out. Why did I not know about any of this? I remembered my parents leaving the week Zio Tomas died Declan and I was not allowed to come. Mother said it was better that the children not get involved; it was a matter for adults only. I cried and begged mother to let me call Ava, but she refused the only time I got to see her was at the funeral and even then. Mother tried her hardest to keep us apart. In retrospect, it all started to make sense she didn’t want Ava to tell me what they had done. My head jerked towards the door, as Ava suddenly stormed out the room. All I wanted to do was comfort her and tell my parents to go to hell, but like the fighter that she was she wouldn't let me be there for her. I watched her barrel out the front door, my anger escalating. My whole life everyone treated me like a porcelain doll, like I was to weak to handle anything bad. Everything was kept from me, mother sheltered me any way she could and had an unnatural control over my life. Daddy never had the guts to stand up to her it didn't matter if I was miserable, if I never had a social life, God forbid I chose my own clothes. No, Daddy would never go against mother, Hell hath no fury like Cynthia Saint John.

  “Vanessa!” Mother yelled. “Girl, did you hear what I just said? Where is your head?” Mother’s Oklahoma drawl would creep in any time, she was truly upset.

  “Huh?”

  “I said, pack your things and your uniform we’re staying at the Four Seasons tonight.”

  “Why?” I asked with a bite. Immediately cringing inwardly knowing I was probably going to get a slap across my face.

  “Excuse me?” She startled, straightening out her back even straighter, if that was even possible.

  “Uh—yes, mother.” I stuttered my boldness quickly dissipated with Mother’s glare.

  I quickly went to my room and packed what I needed for tonight and tomorrow morning. Down stairs Mother and Daddy were already waiting for me. We drove silently to the Four Season, Daddy watched me as we walked into the suite his sad eyes asking for forgiveness. How could I possibly have come from these people? How selfish and cold hearted could they have been to leave Ava alone that entire time to fend for herself? My God, she was thirteen years old! My heart broke as I looked back to when I was thirteen. That was the time when a girl’s body started to change, when she experienced her first period, hormones, boys. All that and she did it without a mom.

  “How could you?” I whispered. Still standing next to the closed door holding my bag.

  “What’s that, dear?” Mother asked, not even turning to face me as she unpacked her Louis Vuitton travel bag. Daddy’s face turned pale, he heard what I said.

  “How could you?” I yelled. “Did you hear me then, mother?” I tightened the grip on my bag. “How could you both do that to her? She had just lost her father and her mother checked out mentally. I’ll ask again, mother. How. Could. You?”

  My mother and father looked at each other in disbelief this was probably the first time in my seventeen years of living that I had never raised my voice at them, let alone yell. But damn if it didn’t feel good. “Right now, all I see in front of me are two people that I don't recognize.”

  “Princess, not a day goes by that we regret how we handled things after his death.” Dad’s response was almost a whisper.

  “Vanessa, you wouldn't understand you weren’t in our position. That’s besides the point, you are a child we do not need to explain anything to you.” Mother responded.

  “Cynthia.” Dad said to her in an exasperated plea.

  “I’ve had enough of you controlling my life, mother, enough! In seven months, I’ll be eighteen you will no longer have this control over me. Threaten to cut me off if you must I don't care anymore. I want to live like any normal, seventeen year old girl—why, why won’t you let me?” The anger I felt towards my parents from the way they treated Ava quickly turned into my personal indignation over my own life.

  “You want to be a normal seventeen year old girl? You want to be like Ava? Is that it, Vanessa, jump from bed to bed, drink yourself silly?”

  “What? No—this has nothing to do with boys they are the furthest thing from my mind. When have I ever given you a reason to doubt me?”

  “Bad company corrupts good manners, dear. It’s just a matter of time before your opinion about boys starts to change with Ava around.” She snarled.

  “You think Ava is bad company? She’s your niece, how could you think of her that way? Even if she was you, two made her that way!” I glared back and forth between my parents. Mother marched towards me smacking me across the face. My skin stung as tears instantly filled my eyes. I should have been expecting that.

  “Cynthia!” Dad yelled, grabbing Mothers arm jerking her back. “You touch her again and I’ll leave so help me God!” Mother gasped, standing still for a moment before moving around me. “I’ll be at the bar.” Was all she said before storming out the room, no apologies or explanation.

  “Are you alright, Princess?” Dad moved cautiously to examine my face I moved away from his touch. I was still very angry with him. I went inside the guest room closing the door behind me falling on the plush bed I called the only person I knew would understand.

  “Hey, sis, what’s up?” Declan answered. I sniffled trying to hold back more tears.

  “Van, what’s wrong?” He said with concern.

  “She smacked me, D.” I whispered, my voice hoarse from yelling.

  “What happened?”

  “We overheard Ava and Aunt Rose having an argument. I confronted mother and Daddy about it. She made me so angry Declan. I…I couldn’t…I can’t understand why they left her?” I didn’t know if Declan knew, odds were he probably did because I was always the one left out of the loop not him.

  “It’s about time, you found out. I’ve been trying to persuade Ava to tell you, but she didn't feel the need to taint the illusion you have of our parents.” All this time he knew and he kept her secret. Declan would never keep any of mine, regardless of how small. I learned at a young age never to trust my older brother.

  “So you knew? For how long?”

  “It was the night Ava slept with Jordan or was it the night she slept with Eric? I can’t remember really, but it was a while back.” Gross. She slept with BOTH his roommates. What had they turned her into? “You’re missing the point here Van, mom and dad are assholes. They should have never left Ava alone she went into detail about that entire year. Needless to say, it’s pretty amazing she's not in some sort of psychiatric hospital. She didn't tell you because she didn't want you to think less of mom and dad.”

  “Why do you all have this need to keep things from me? I’m not made out of glass! I’m not going to break!”

  “So then stop acting like you will! Your mom and dad's personal porcelain doll they dress you and move you at their will. Grow a pair, Vanessa, stand up for yourself, for once.”

  Stand up for myself against my parents? How does one do that? They're my parents! They're not some bully from school they gave me life. How much of a spoiled and ungrateful brat would I be if I told them to get lost? Declan never understood this. It was a mistake calling him.

  “I have to go, Declan, Dad’s calling me.” I lied.

  “Whatever, Vanessa.” He sighed and hung up.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ava

  Arriving at the offices of Dr. Charles Parker, PSY.D who specialized in troubled youth and dysfunctional families. I cringed that I now had to be seen by a specialist to get over my messed up issues. Don’t get me wrong, I have no judgment on people who choose this, I just come from the school of locking away your problems and not speaking about them. Inside the office, a very pretty blonde greeted us.

  “Hello, how may I help you?” She asked in her most, business like voice. I ignored her while Rose spoke to her. The room was very modern. The receptionist’s desk was a shiny black color with sharp edges the white leather lounge chairs sitting across from her desk were also squared. Across from the chairs behind the receptionist, was a door marked with a silver sign
that read: Dr. Charles Parker, PSY.D. Apparently, the doctor wanted everyone to know it was his office because his name was displayed everywhere, on his door, on the receptionists desk, plaques and awards fill the wall behind me, highlighting his name; Dr. Charles Parker, PSY.D. I suppose it was his way of pissing all over the office, claiming what was his. Sitting on the squared leather chairs, I stared at the door in front of me, will this man fix all our issues? I very much doubt it. What can this man say about my mother and myself that I don't already know? Rose sat next to me my eyes were still locked on the silver sign: Dr. Charles Parker, PSY.D.

  “Ava?” She said softly as she handed me a clipboard with a questionnaire and a black pen.

  “You need to fill this out for the doctor.”

  I sighed annoyed, taking the clipboard from her hands. The first sheet was a standardized Q&A form that you would fill out at any doctor’s office: name, age, sex (gender), allergies, etc. The second form was a questionnaire with nine questions. Multiple choices, the choices consist of:

  -Not at all

  -Just a little

  -Somewhat

  -Moderately

  -Quite a lot

  -Very much

  1. I do things slowly.

  Hmm, was this a trick question? Somewhat

  2. My future seems hopeless.

  Ah, well…yes and no. Somewhat

  3. It is hard for me to concentrate on reading.

  No. Not at all

  4. The pleasure and joy have gone out of my life.

  This was another yes and no. I feel joy when I’m around Vanessa and Gabriel. Not at the same time, obviously. Somewhat