Keep it Secret

by Olivia Snow

  “What’s going on Mal, are you all right?” I asked, confused. She walked around the bathroom making sure the stalls were empty. Looking down before she spoke.

  “I just heard that Gabriel asked Vanessa to be his girlfriend.” My heart dropped to the floor I felt like I was going to be sick. Mallory looked at me like I had just answered a burning question.

  “Damn it.” She whispered. “I could tell the way you two looked at each other that there was something going on but then today during Public Speaking he refused to even look at you.” How could she have known? I know for a fact we were not obvious. Mallory was just very perceptive.

  “We’re just friends.” I said it as a whisper, still dazed from the information.

  “Yeah? And my uncles a damn monkey.” She obviously didn't believe me but I couldn't tell her the truth. I needed to get my emotions in check before going inside that cafeteria. Taking in a deep breath I rotated my neck left to right as it cracked.

  “Come on. I’m hungry.” I said to her in my normal voice that even surprised me.

  “Ava?” She asked, she was just as surprised by my indifference. I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the bathroom as we walked into the cafeteria Mallory was pulling me back a bit. Like she was tugging on my leash. Vanessa and Gabriel’s backs were to us as soon as Talon spotted Mallory and me he shot up from his seat that promoted Gabriel’s back to tense up before looking back. He smiled apologetically but it only lasted a fraction of a second before turning back around. Taking a seat, between Mallory and Talon I smiled sweetly at Vanessa. Her grin was wide with anticipation, but before she could speak Katy Anderson walked up to our table.

  Not today Kitty Kat.

  Everyone at the table became alert while she stood at the edge of the table next to Gabriel and Talon. Under the table Mallory firmly wrapped her hand around mine as to say, “stay calm.”

  “I hear congratulations are in order.” Katy said snidely, looking between Gabriel and Vanessa. Talon was the only who answered.

  “Yup, Gabriel finally grew some balls and asked Vanessa to be his girlfriend. Jealous, Katy?” He said as he brought a carrot stick to his mouth. Katy’s head jerked in Talon’s direction.

  “Please, me jealous? She can have my sloppy seconds.” She replied as she flipped her platinum blonde hair bringing one hand to her hip and cocking it. I chuckled. This bitch just couldn’t help herself.

  “Sweetheart, maybe, if you would have done it right the first time, he wouldn't have dropped you.” I said grabbing a carrot from Talon’s tray. Katy didn't look in my direction but looked at Vanessa.

  “Vanessa, why don't you get a muzzle for your bitch.” Mallory’s hand tightened, I jerked away to stand, smiling.

  “Oh, no, she’s smiling.” Vanessa said like she was thinking out loud.

  “Ava.” Gabriel said, as a soft warning. Still looking at Katy, I answered.

  “Mind your own goddamn business, Blue.” The lunchroom instantly quieted around us.

  “Is there a problem?” We were interrupted by the Headmistress Talon stood next to my side placing a hand on the small of my back.

  “No, Headmistress,” he answered, “We were just leaving, right baby?” He said directing it at me.

  “That’s right.” I replied sweetly, as we turned to leave I blew a kiss at Katy letting her know this wasn't over. Mallory smiled and shook her head as she stood up following Talon and me out the room.

  After school, I drove Vanessa home putting the truck in park while the engine still ran we sat in silence. I wanted to talk to her more than she knew, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a coward, a horrible, slutty, back stabbing coward.

  “I’ll see you later.” She said opening the door after a few moments. Before I could answer she turned around and gave me a hug.

  “I love you.” She said into my hair.

  “Me, too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Vanessa

  My own mind was driving me insane. I wanted to make Ava feel better. I wanted her to confide in me, but the more I tried the further she pushed away. Even without her honesty and her negativity, I still wanted to be there for her. It was like I was experiencing my own form of Stockholm Syndrome, Ava style. Part of me craved the relationship we had the other hated the way her arrival brought the ugliness of my family to light. Not to mention I was tired of the way she acted, the way she spoke and presented herself. It was like she had no respect for herself. Adding insult to injury, everyone seemed to bend over backwards for her. She made stupid decisions in life, blamed them all on losing her father and she was getting rewarded for it. While here I was trying to do right by my parents, be the good girl they've always told me to be and I was beginning treated like I had committed murder for wanting a little freedom. That little vine was becoming thicker and thicker as the days progressed, as I watered it with a daily dose of Ava aggravation.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Ava

  I sat on the white leather couch for the first five minutes not saying anything.

  “You seem more on edge than normal.” He observed. I snorted half chuckled, no shit.

  “Let me in on the joke.” He said tapping his pen against his notepad.

  “No, shit.” I replied.

  “No, shit?”

  “I almost got into a fight, at school.” As soon as I said it I was disappointed in myself. Why had I let Katy get to me so badly? Stupid little rich girl shouldn't even be on my radar.

  “Ah, yes, I see. Hence the no shit.” He gave me those eyes of his that pushed me to continue.

  “It’s a long story.” I hoped that was enough for him, but I knew well it wouldn't be. He just stared at me, with the same look. Jesus Christ.

  I sighed.

  “This summer when we moved here I went to a party with my cousin Declan. It was supposed to be all college students or so I thought. I met a guy there and one thing led to another and we ended up in a bathroom…” I looked up to make sure he was picking up what I was putting down. His stare looked back like he did.

  “Well, it turns out this guy, wasn't a college student. I bumped into him on the first day of school turns out Gabriel, is my cousin’s crush who she's been talking about all damn summer. I didn't know until later that day when she pointed him out in the lunchroom. Gabriel and his friend approached us at our lunch table when this girl, her name is Katy Anderson, came up and started talking shit. She made up this ridiculous rumor so I slammed her against the table top.” Just remembering that day made me pissed. I could feel my hands ball up. “So this same girl comes up today and starts talking shit, again.” Sweet God Almighty, could this be any more high school?

  “What happened that made you slam Katy against the table top?” He asked as he scrunched his forehead.

  “She said I was my uncles charity case.” Ridiculous, I know.

  “Did this anger you because your fear is to be someone’s charity case? Meaning, in your eyes seeking help shows weakness. Something you were probably taught by your father, a subject we have established you are highly sensitive about.” He’s not a doctor of psychology for nothing.

  I grunted. “Maybe. Also, I didn't like the way she made Vanessa feel.”

  “Vanessa, that’s your cousin?” He asked, writing on his notepad.

  I nodded as he looked up at my answer.

  “And today, what happened?”

  “Gabriel asked Vanessa to be his girlfriend and during lunch Katy approached our table and said Vanessa could have her sloppy seconds.”

  “Did you slam her against the lunch table again?” I couldn't help but chuckle.

  “Um, no I just smiled at her and blew her a kiss. We were interrupted by the Headmistress.”

  “I see.” He said writing on his notepad, again.

  “This boy, Gabriel, do you like him?” My heart pounded in my chest I wasn't expecting him to ask me that.

  “That’s not something I want to talk about.”
>
  “All right. Do you always fight your cousins battles?”

  “I just try to look out for her. Her old brother, Declan, never took his job as a big brother seriously so I felt like I needed to make sure Van was always protected.” I responded knitting my fingers together. Suddenly feeling nervous.

  “The way nobody protected you.” It wasn't a question it was a fact, a fact that even though was the truth, made me feel like shit. I felt my eyes begin to water but I quickly blinked them away.

  “Yeah, I guess.” For the rest of the session doc asked questions about my dad until my time was up. I scheduled another appointment same time next Monday.

  Over the next couple of months nothing really changed school was the same. Gabriel and Vanessa hung out all the time but hardly ever showed any PDA, ever. Which was weird to me since he was very tactical with me. Gabriel and I hardly spoke or looked at each other. Surprisingly, Talon became a really fun person to be around him and Mallory began hooking up but as she made it very clear to him she didn't want a boyfriend. I continued to see Dr. Charles Parker every Monday after school. He diagnosed me as an alcoholic. I said no shit. He said as long as I didn't want help he wasn't able to help me. I needed to want to change fist I suspected he didn't push rehab because he probably thought if he fixed my issues in regards to my dad it would help with my alcohol intake. Rose and I’s relationship was better but still a little awkward. My relationship with my aunt and uncle didn’t change much. Vanessa and I began to spend more time together at home since I hardly went out. And since Gabriel was busy with wrestling she was also home a lot Mallory would often come over when she wasn't hanging out with Talon. I enjoyed their company even Vanessa loosened up a bit and was getting along with Mallory quit well. One Monday in mid October, I sat in Dr. Charles Parker’s office.

  “Ava, we’ve come to a stand still in your therapy.” Okay…

  “What do you mean?”

  “You still have this incredible anger towards the loss of your father, which is expected when you lose someone so important as a parent but I believe the amount of anger that you carry is not healthy.”

  “I’ve continued to run as you suggested. I even enrolled in a kick boxing class.” Which was awesome it was a great workout and it felt good to kick shit. Not to mention it transformed my body from curvy and soft to curvy and toned. My butt had never looked so good.

  “Yes, but that has not seemed to help your anger. Has it?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “I believe that forgiveness is the best form of healing, do you agree?” Where was he going with this?

  “I guess?”

  “I purpose you speak to Kimberly Baker.” Everything in the room went quiet and began to spin. White noise whined against my eardrums.

  “Ava?”

  “What did you just say?”

  “I said—”

  “You know what? Don't answer I know what you said, are you fucking crazy? You'd have to be to say something like that!” I began to stand and run the hell out of the room. The doc sprang to his feet.

  “Ava, hear me out you’re a strong young women but in some aspects you are weak. Forgiving Kimberly will give you the strength to turn a new page and begin to actually enjoy life and heal.”

  “Forgiveness? You don't know what you're asking me to do.” The doctor sighed and closed his eyes. He stood there silently I wondered if maybe this was my opportunity to leave.

  “Yes, Ava, I do. Please can you sit down?” I hesitated, part of me wanted to run for the hills and on my way punch the doctor in the balls. But, his stare was sad, sad enough to compel me to stay.

  “This is breaking procedure, but I feel like sharing this story with you will give you an understanding that I do know what I’m asking you to do.”

  I gave him the same look he always gives me when he wants me to continue my story. Doctor Charles face droops into a somber smile as he talks.

  “Twenty-five years ago, my younger sister attended CSU. She wanted to become a teacher, Emma was happiness morphed into a beautiful sweet girl. She was my best friend the light of my life as well as my parents. One day as she walked back to her dorm a classmate asked her for some help. He wanted her to keep his dorm door open as he moved a piece of furniture out of the room. But that didn’t happen instead he shoved her inside of the room and raped her. She never told us anything, but there were signs we just didn't know them. She ended her life six months later Emma left a note explaining why she did it. She begged us for our forgiveness in her note. It took me a long time to subdue the anger I had for having her taken from us, for not knowing the signs, for not protecting my little sister. But it the end I learned to forgive, I know how difficult it is Ava, it won’t happen over night but I guarantee speaking to Kimberly is the first step.”

  All I wanted to do was cry. Cry for Dr. Charles cry for his parents. Cry for the sister that suffered so much she saw no way out but to end her own life. Instead I held my head low fighting tears.

  “Is it all right, if we cut this session short?” I said softly.

  “Think about it, Ava, bring Rose with you if you think that would help.

  “I’ll consider it.” I finally said.

  “You have my email, if you decide before next Monday let me know I’ll set everything up.”

  I nodded yes and walked to my truck in a daze. I sat there gripping the steering wheel and began to hyperventilate. I couldn't do this she killed my father. That stupid selfish girl, who thought responding back to her friend’s text was more important than paying attention to the road, destroyed my life. My breathing labored and instead of needing a drink I needed Gabriel. I needed to be held by him and smell his scent, feel his touch. I looked at the clock on the dashboard. It was after four wrestling practices were over he was probably home already. I drove to his condo in record time just as I parked in the underground parking lot the weight of what Dr. Charles asked me to do began to unravel. Attempting to catch my breath I scurried out of the truck leaving the keys in the ignition. I must have missed the black Mercedes parking next to me because as I was trying to breath in and out I heard him call my name.

  “Ava? What’s wrong?” He asked loudly, running to my side. I looked up to see his beautiful face, his amazing baby blue eyes, and I lost it. I cried so hard my legs gave, but he was there to catch me, always there to catch me. Gabriel held me while I cried on his chest his strong arms wrapped around me giving me the safety I craved. I reached my arms around his waist hugging him back, inhaling his sent as my cries dwindled to a pitiful whimper.

  “What’s wrong, Ava?” He asked laying his cheek on the top of my head. Before I could answer he reached down cupping my ass cheeks in each of his hands without a thought I wrapped my legs around his waist. He walked to his car sitting me on the trunk Gabriel stood in between my legs while he grabbed the sides of my face.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” He asked again. This time his voice was soft and sweet. I never cringed when Gabriel called me baby instead it warmed me, made me feel like I was his. I took in a deep breath before speaking. Gabriel let go of my face and placed his hands on my thighs.

  “Dr. Charles, my psychologist, wants me to speak to the girl who killed my dad. He says that forgiveness is the way to heal.” He let out a breath before leaning his forehead against mine. Even he understood it was a bitter pill to swallow.

  “I’m so sorry, baby.” He shook his head, “that’s incredibly hard to do.”

  “I don’t know if I can do it, Blue.” I said with my voice shaky, ready to cry again. “I’m not that strong. I don’t know if I want to be that strong. She ripped my whole life to shreds she took him from me. How am I able to forgive that?” Gabriel broke our foreheads apart and lifted my chin with his finger.

  “Ava, you are the strongest person I’ve ever met if there is anyone who can do this. It’s you.” He looked at me straighten in the eyes I could see his love for me inside those beautiful baby blues. I cried closing the dist
ance between us hugging him tight. With his arms around me, I felt loved I felt safe he warmed me up in the most lovely way.

  “I wish I could fix this for you. I would do anything to make this pain go away. Tell me what I can do for you?” He said against my neck his lips grazed my skin sending chills down my arms. Before my brain could filter what my heart was feeling I spoke without thinking.

  “Come with me.”

  “Where to, baby?”

  “When I go see Kimberly, come with me.” I broke our embrace so I was able to see his expression. He smiled sweetly bringing his lips to my ear before he answered.

  “I’d do anything for you, Ava.” He whispered, sending shivers all over my body. He hesitated like he wanted to say more, I guess he changed his mind because he grazed his lips from my ear to my cheek. He looked at me sideways before planting the sexiest kiss on my cheek. His soft plump lips lingered on my skin before breaking away.

  “Anything.”

  That night I sent the good doctor an email.

  From: A.Veneziano@gmail.com

  To: C.Parker@ParkerMedicalPractice.com

  Sent: Monday, October 14, 2013 11:37 PM

  Subject: Forgiveness

  When and where?

  Ava

  Sent from my iPhone