Keep it Secret

by Olivia Snow

  The gym bleachers were packed there was nowhere to sit and it already smelled like sweaty feet. Gabriel was stretching with his teammates they were laughing and joking around with each other making grand gestures with their hands and faces the way rambunctious boys do. He looked into the bleachers, searching for someone, probably Vanessa. I glanced over to where he was looking and saw her wave at him. He smiled and waved back, but he still had this strange look on his face. Still staring at him, Michael saw me and waved. I waved back smiling. Michael then whispered something in Gabriel’s ear his eyes shot to where I was standing. Our eyes locked, his smile widened and the look of relief washed over his face I couldn't help but smile like a fool. He was waiting for me. The coach called the boys over before going Gabriel winked at me and then very covertly blew a kiss in my direction. I clamped my bottom lip down stopping myself from further smiling like a complete dork. I lowered my head just to be sure no one saw how pathetic I was acting. Peering back, Gabriel shook his head as he laughed running his hand through his hair. I felt a tap on my shoulder, zapping me from my moment with Gabriel. I turned around to face Mallory and Talon their faces glowed with a certain gleam I was far too familiar with.

  “Hey! How long have you guys been here?” I asked hugging them both.

  “Just got here. We got held up.” Talon said winking at me. I snorted then smiled.

  “Nice ‘just got fucked hair’ Mallory.” I said pushing down the strands of hair that were sticking up in the back of her head. Mallory frowned targeting it at Talon.

  “Shit, Talon, why didn't you tell me!” She spat, smacking him across the chest. Talon winced, mouthed ouch as he rubbed his pec.

  “Sorry, babe, I was too busy doing something else.” His smile said it all but he winked just to get the point across. I looked between the two of them shaking my head laughing at Mallory’s attempt to keep their interactions hidden and Talon’s blatant disregard for her wishes. Before any of us could say anything else the announcer presented the teams and individual wrestlers. Gabriel’s meet was first.

  There are moments in life that monumentally change you forever they might be small or big, but the outcome is still the same. This was one of those moments it weirdly played out in a second, but at the same time in slow motion. He had his opponent in a headlock one moment and the next he was laying lifeless on his back. My heart felt like it was beating into my ears, I stood still watching as the coaches and nurse rushed to his side. I couldn't hear anything besides the pounding of my heart. This was all too familiar. It felt like an eternity of silence until I heard the saddest most tormented scream known to mankind I didn’t realize it was coming from me until two strong arms were holding me back. My heart and body were fighting to get to him but my mind was struggling to process what was happening. Talon was holding me back while Mallory stood in front of me attempting to sooth me by petting my head. I screamed his name until my throat burned and my voice became hoarse. I screamed until I was physically unable to.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Vanessa

  I rode in the car with my mom and dad after Ava told me she would meet me there this was the first meet of the season and everyone was super excited. It was Eagle Academy tradition for parents and alumni to attend the event than to the Homecoming dance. Luckily, there was plenty of time between the meet and the dance that we would be able to go back home and get ready properly. Gabriel, Talon, Mallory and I had arranged for a limo to come pick us up and take us to the dance, around here all school functions were a big deal. Mother and Daddy walked ahead of me as we entered the gymnasium, they agreed to save me a seat giving me a chance to speak to Gabriel alone. I began looking for the man of the hour scanning the room to my right in the now buzzing gym I was picked up off the floor and brought into a bear hug. Smiling against his skin I took advantage of his proximity taking in his scent as I nuzzled against the crook of his neck.

  “There’s my girl.” He whispered in my ear sending a warm tingle down my spin. He set me down stepping back so he could see me entirely. Gabriel was looking like a fit athlete in the school issued navy blue tracksuit and sneakers. Hair tussled into a sexy mess.

  “Come with me real quick.” He said pulling my hand towards the gym entrance.

  “Okaaay?” I replied puzzled but intrigued.

  With his fingers intertwined with mine Gabriel led us out the gym and into the empty cafeteria. The room looked ten times bigger now that the tables were folded and pushed to the very back of the room. Gabriel tapped his finger on his lips while he looked around still holding onto my hand with his other one.

  “Mmmm, here, here it is.” He said coming to a complete stop dropping his head to give me a gentle kiss.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “I want to tell you something but don't get freaked out or expect to say anything in return…or give me anything in return.”

  “Okay? You're acting weird.” I said swinging our joined hands back and forth. He smiled wide this time letting out a breath. He's nervous.

  “Spit it out, Gabriel!” I’m not a patient person and he's making me nervous.

  “I love you.” He said in a nervous rush. My jaw hit the floor I’m not sure what to say. I mean I care for him deeply but I’m not sure if its love I’ve never been in love before. Could seventeen year olds comprehend what love was? Or was this all puppy love as they call it.

  Oh, crap.

  Guilt fills my heart and I feel like a horrible person because I refuse to say I love you to someone if I don't know what it is I feel. I rather be honest then lie. It would tarnish what we share.

  “Thank you?” I finally said, feeling like a complete jerk. Gabriel laughed, like really laughed and hugged me tight. I wrapped my arms around his waist realizing my guy was amazing. Breaking our embrace he kissed my lips, softly, sweetly, gently. Just like him.

  “Come on, beautiful, let’s get you back to your parents.” He said taking my hand as he starts to walk towards the exit.

  “Wait, why did you bring me here to tell me that?”

  “Oh, damn! See, you made me all nervous I completely forgot my speech.”

  “Your speech?”

  “Yeah, the speech where I tell you that here was the place where I first laid eyes on your gorgeous face and was instantly drawn to you.” My heart fluttered and I’m consumed with his love and how sweet he is. Abruptly, I stop to wrap my arms around his neck bringing him down to me for a kiss. How could I be shy and timid around a guy who makes me feel beautiful and protected? He deserves a good kiss at the very least. I take the initiative and try to give him the best kiss I can muster up as I let him go. His eyes are stilled closed and he’s breathing rapidly making me feel like a rock star.

  “Wow.” He said. “Promise me if I win that’s the kind of kiss, I’ll get.” I giggled and agreed.

  “I can’t wait to see how you look in your gear? I love the spandex you guys wear. It’s very manly.”

  “It’s called a singlet, if you're going to tease me at least have the correct wordage.” I laughed as we enter the gym, hugging him bye I wish him luck.

  Spotting my parents, I hike up the bleachers to sit down not knowing my goodbye would be forever.

  While he lay on the mate lifeless I sat in my seat paralyzed not able to move as people scrambled to leave in a panic. His head was tilted in my direction. All I could see were his beautiful blue eyes. My vision was blocked every time someone ran in front of me, but it never broke my stare. The color of his face was draining, but his eyes still looked vibrant and alive. The screaming faded and all I could hear was white noise. I couldn't grasp how just minutes ago we were laughing and kissing. And now he was gone I knew from this day going forward I would never be the same again. He was gone, I would never see him again, never hug him, feel his warmth, be touched by his gentleness. How was this possible? I faintly felt a heavy hand on my shoulder rocking me back and forth. My head slowly turned to my left. I could clearly see my father
’s mouth move mouthing my name, but I couldn't hear anything his expression was filled with panic and fear something I’d never seen on him before. My father’s left hand reached over to my right shoulder and continued to shake me with force, my head turned once again to see his hand on my shoulder and slowly back to his face. I can’t hear you, I said in my head. I couldn't make my lips move or make a noise. Looking back to where Gabriel was lying he was no longer there and the gym was virtually empty. My chest began to rise and fall faster than I could catch my breath panic filled my veins. I couldn't breathe. Daddy positioned himself in front of me gripping the sides of my arms as he forced me to stand. My legs trembled they were too weak to hold me up, at the same time feeling like they were made out of stone. My mind became cloudy and suddenly I felt too tired to keep my eyes open, too tired to keep breathing. I closed my eyes and drifted to a place where I could still hear Gabriel’s sweet voice.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Ava

  Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, it's a leading cause of sudden cardiac arrest in young athletes. The fact that his heart—the best thing about him—was damaged didn’t compute. How was that possible? After Mallory and Talon both dragged me out of the gym I fell to my knees and laughed. My body shook in delusion all I could do was laugh because it was un-fucking-fathomable that he was dead. I was hysterical to the point where Mallory and Talon contemplated on taking me to a psychiatric hospital.

  Chapter Thirty

  Vanessa

  I woke up in a hospital bed hours later Mother was sitting on a chair across from me. She was draped over the chair with her legs stretched in front of her both elbows resting on each armchair. Her head tilted back against the wall, eyes closed. I looked out the window as it started to snow, the sky was a bitter gray and I had difficulty understanding why God was angry when he had gained an angel, he should be happy.

  “You’re awake.” Mother said, her voice was shaken I silently nodded still looking out the window. I heard her ruffling through her purse. “She's awake,” she said to someone, I assumed she was speaking on her phone probably talking to my father. “All right, be carful. It's starting to snow. Okay, see you soon.”

  “How long have I been here?” I asked, not making eye contact with her.

  “Nine hours” she replied. “After you gained consciousness, you fell asleep.”

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “Oh, honey you don't remember what happened?” Her voice was breaking.

  “I know Gabriel’s dead, Mother. Why am I here?” I responded harshly, snapping my head to watch her. Mother flinched at my words.

  “You had a panic attack, you stopped breathing and fainted.” She said softly. I couldn't remember the last time she showed so much concern—genuine concern— towards me. Moments later my dad walked into the room.

  “Hey, Princess, how are you feeling?” I looked at him with distaste I’m freaking fantastic dad, just a day like any day, you know no big deal. Although there is this one thing, my boyfriend just died! How the fuck do you expect me to feel! As if he read my mind he lowered his head in shame and nodded slowly.

  “Forgive me, baby. I wasn't thinking.” Not in the mood to give him any sort of reassurance, I looked away and stared at the window again. The voices became grumbled in the background as I thought of his eyes and lifeless body.

  “Vanessa?” I was yanked from my thoughts as the doctor called my name.

  “Did you hear the doctor, sweetheart?” mother butted in.

  “What?” I asked, still not making eye contact.

  “Does your chest feel heavy? Are you feeling any chest pains? Any pain at all?” The doctor repeated himself.

  Yeah. Heartbreak.

  “No, I'm breathing fine, no pain.” I responded emotionless.

  “Great, we should have you discharged in about an hour.” My parents continued to thank the doctor as he left the room. All I could do was stare at the falling snow the cold crept in this year, it was sunny one day, fiercely cold the next, much expected from Colorado but I couldn't help but find some sort of coincidence with what was currently happening in my life and the cold.

  After an hour, I was placed on a wheel chair and rolled out of the hospital. By the time we arrived at the house the snow was coming down faster with snowflakes the size of small dust bunnies, as Daddy ushered me inside I stopped suddenly and looked up at the gray sky, there was no way in hell that I felt this much pain if I didn’t love Gabriel. However, I would never get the chance to tell him in person because I was too scared. Something I would regret for the rest of my life.

  I love you too, Gabriel.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Ava

  I stayed at Mallory’s house after that day I couldn't stomach being under the same roof Vanessa was. I told Mallory everything that had happened between Gabriel and me. She didn't judge nor did she seem surprised. This time around I didn't hold back my tears, this time I wasn't strong enough to lock up my grief. My mind and heart weren’t capable of closing off anymore heartache. After a full day in bed my body began going through withdrawals, I’d like to think it was from losing Gabriel but I knew well it was from alcohol deprivation. No, longer denying I was an alcoholic at the age of eighteen was enough to send my mind into a spiraling depression. Mallory was scared out of her mind after she entered the room and I was on the floor basically convulsing as I vomited all over the floor.

  “I’m calling 911.” She said frantically reaching for my cell phone.

  “No, Mal, I’m fine.” It took too much energy to get four words out without having to throw up again.

  “Yes, Ava! What the fuck do you expect me to do? —Yes, hello my friend is trembling so badly, it's making her throw up. Yes, she’s coherent, barely though—no, she's not on any drugs. Yes, I’m certain—she’s breathing fine. I hear them. They’re here.” The bedroom door swung open as three paramedics stormed in.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Ava.” I croaked still on the floor but now in the fetal position.

  “Ava, have you taken any illegal drugs?” The male paramedic said as he flashed a small flashlight in my eyes.

  “Alcohol. Withdrawal.” I whispered, I felt Mallory's eyes burn a whole in the back of my head. She had no idea about my demons. No one did.

  “All right. Sweetheart, we have to get you on the stretcher, can you walk?” The female paramedic asked.

  “No.” I replied. “Call Rose.” I told Mallory before I was picked up, placed on the stretcher and taken to the hospital.

  You never appreciate pain—emotional pain—until it’s taken from you. Or at least I didn’t. I thought the last five years I did a pretty awesome job at keeping the hurt away by having random sex and drinking but apparently, I didn't do as good of a job as I thought, the moment the Benzodiazepine flooded my veins, I felt nothing. Everything was gone just like that. The drug made me incredibly sleepy even though I fought like hell to stay awake I was too weak and finally succumbed to my forced exhaustion. Even throughout all this, my one and only thought was Vanessa, oddly enough. My heart was used to lose, hers not so much. I wanted to be there for her to console her and hug her. Tell her time would heal all wounds. There was no way in hell I was telling her about Gabriel and I now. I was taking that secret to the grave I’m a coward, I know. In my defense for self-preservation, I always diminished the relationship between them. Maybe he truly didn't love her and she never really loved him but even my own festering heart couldn't erase the image I had of Vanessa when she looked at Gabriel’s lifeless body. The pain in her eyes was that of a person losing a loved one. I pushed the feelings of guilt down there was no need for that until the time came.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Vanessa

  My heart ached for his mother as I watched her in the front pew her head in a bundle of tissues. Shoulders jerking up and down as she sobbed. His funeral was today. Mother and Daddy had agreed to let me come to pay my respects as long as we didn’t
stay too long. Death made my parents extremely uncomfortable. Maybe, it was too much of a reminder of what they did to Ava. These were the toughest three days of my life. I felt alone like I had never felt before. Gabriel was gone and I hadn’t seen Ava since the night of his death when she told me she would meet me at the school. Tears burned behind my eyes, but they never fell. Mother said everyone grieved differently and I was still in shock but she promised my tears would come. All it took was the right trigger.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Ava

  I missed his funeral three days ago. It was now day six of rid ‘Ava of alcohol’ my mind felt like it was spiraling out of control, the doctors had slowly wean me off the benzo’s because that in itself can become addicting, which I thought was sort of fucked up; help me with my addiction to alcohol by giving me something else that is also highly addictive. Jesus. Practicing my breathing techniques I was disturbed by a knock on the door.

  “Come in.” I said repositioning myself on the hospital bed.

  “Hello, Ava.” Dr. Charles walked cautiously further into my room until he was standing at the end of the bed.

  “Dr. Charles, I wasn't excepting you.”

  “Yes, well, I heard what happened to your friend and I wanted to see how you were doing.” He responded clearly concerned for my well being, frankly, it made me uncomfortable I didn't feel like I deserved anyone to worry about me. Not after what I did to Vanessa.