Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  “Hey. If I find this information for you, then you owe me a favor, ‘kay? Like say I need some legal help in the future for some reason, you’ve got my back, right?”

  “Deal. Let me know what you find out.”

  “Sure. Just give me a few days. And send me everything you know in a text to narrow down the search.”

  We said our goodbyes and I did what he asked.

  Now all I had to do was decide what the hell to do to pass the next few days. Stay here, or go home, where it was really boring. At least here in Berryville there were a few people I grew up with around, like Matt. The only downside was that dump I was forced to stay in. I wondered if old Mrs. Canton still ran that B&B out of her house. She used to love me, always pinching my cheeks. Bet I could charm her down on her nightly rate, or get a decent weekly rate.

  By six my stomach had been rumbling for way too long. There were a couple of fast food joints around but I wasn’t really feeling it. Nor did I ever care for most of the small restaurants in town. But that burger I had at Sully’s… It was calling to me. But unfortunately, with the mouth-watering goodness came the spunky brunette who might spit in it. Decisions, decisions…

  Fuck it.

  I was hungry and ready to down a few with the locals. She could either deal with it or go back to her hidey hole again.

  I really hated working. No, scratch that. I didn’t mind the bar or the people I worked with. What I hated was having to work fifty-six hours a week just to make ends meet. I had only one day off a week and I was missing so much time with my kid. Jake was growing up so fast, and I was missing everything. Who got to see him take his first steps and hear his first word? Amy, the girl I used to be able to afford to take care of him, back when I worked two jobs just to keep her at my house. Who got to watch him play with the other kids at the park, or teach him how to throw a ball, or tuck him into bed? Amy, Amy, Amy.

  Nowadays it was either Susie or Mrs. Weatherly. Rarely was the answer ever me. I guess nowadays I did get to tuck Jake into bed, but only after I let myself into Susie’s late at night and carried his sleeping body back to his real bed. I hated that I couldn’t be there for him like I should. Financially, we were okay so long as I didn’t miss too much work, but I wanted to be able to stand beside him physically, too. I wished there was a job I could have that would let me work the typical eight-to-four, but either they were all held by long-term employees or required heavy labor or a special skill I just didn’t have. So I was stuck with the late night bar life. At least today was Monday – one of the four days we closed at midnight instead of two.

  I kissed my baby on the forehead and watched him skip his way next door, where Susie was waiting on the porch, already waving me goodbye, greeting Jake with a smile and a hug. I forced my tired lips to curve and blew a kiss to them before falling into my Camry and driving into work. Monday through Friday, Steph opened the bar and worked the noon-to-four shift, carrying the load until the rest of us began trickling in at four. Hardly anyone came in before four since the grille didn’t open until five, so Steph spent most of her time washing and stocking all the glassware used the night before. It wasn’t a glamorous job, but it was extra cash for her family to pay for things like braces and all that out-of-pocket athletic wear her high school boy needed for sports. I could totally relate, hence the extra hours past forty.

  Chelsie had beat me in, and Marcus, who was firing up the kitchen and chopping up vegetables. We kept the menu pretty simple here so our one and only cook could get the meals out in less than ten minutes regardless of the number of customers. Burgers, chicken sandwiches, wings and a few appetizers were all you were going to find here, but I had to admit, what we put out was pretty tasty.

  I spent the next two hours in the office catching up on ordering the supply list and readying bills for Sully to come in and pay on Wednesday. Every once and a while I’d stretch my legs and head up front to make sure Chelsie was able to handle the crowd and give her a hand if necessary.

  How awful was it that as many times as I scanned the crowd throughout the night, I was actually hoping to see his face? The same guy that basically told me to fuck off just four days ago. Fucker.

  Why the hell did I still feel something for him after all this time? I guess I never realized how much I did until I was single, and he was here at the bar, smoldering green eyes and all. I never should have had those double shots of tequila. Never should’ve enticed him over. Never should’ve let him run his hands up my body. I closed my eyes, still able to picture it, still able to feel his fingers caressing my hips. I felt him behind me, rising to the occasion, so I knew he was as turned on as I was, despite his horrible words.

  I couldn’t blame him for being so angry. So few people knew the truth of that night. And it wasn’t a truth I wanted to share, so I let them think whatever the hell they wanted, even if it meant painting me in a tainted light. I didn’t care about their opinions. And honestly, through the years, it seemed most of the ones who stayed either didn’t care or steered clear of me altogether.

  Until Shane showed up. Who not only knew the story but still had it fresh on his mind. Of all opinions, his did seem to matter, because it ate away at me all weekend, making me queasy, making me toss and turn all night.

  Because there was something still there. Something that was deep inside of me, trying to roar back to life. I thought of him a lot through the years, but I was too chicken shit to actually try to find him. And hell, I hadn’t gone anywhere since high school. I was right here the whole time. So easy to find. If there was even the tiniest chance he wanted me too, wouldn’t he have found me by now?

  Coming to that conclusion only made me feel sicker. Who was I kidding anyways? He was the guy in high school who only ever wanted the sex. All those stupid girls. They’d take him anyway they could have him, but all they saw was popularity and looks, a stellar baseball player with six pack abs and a great ass. With the amount of time he spent with me and Brad, I got to see more. I saw the guy who helped his little sister Jenny learn her routine for cheerleading tryouts, who may have been drinking like the rest of us but always drank less so he could still drive us home, who never attacked and scared me as I made my way through the haunted hay maze he worked each Halloween. Yeah, he was boisterous and fun to be around, the party pleaser, but I got to see the guy he was when he thought no one was looking. And it had been hard to forget through the years. Because they’re few and far between, and for the life of me, I could never figure out why he never wanted an actual relationship with a girl. I’d seen how family-oriented he’d been. His whole emotionally-free lifestyle just didn’t make sense to me.

  After several days of being a no-show, I figured he’d left town again. Never in my wildest dreams did I actually expect to see him again. But there he was, hanging out in the back corner, Matt beside him in heavy conversation. I wondered if he chose that table because it was the one farthest away from the bar.

  Chelsie swept in in front of me, dropping her serving tray before me. “Whiskey sour and a draft Shiner Bock. And could you pass this to Marcus for me?”

  I sighed, forced to take my lingering eyes off of that back table, and turned to slide the kitchen ticket through the passthrough. Grabbing the glasses, I began filling her drink order. Chelsie was uncharacteristically quiet. I looked up and found her leaning over the bar, head tilted, staring me down, analyzing me.

  “What?” I asked.

  She smiled and turned her head towards that same back table. Matt was looking our way, not Shane. I’d seen the way Matt had always stared at her, so more than likely he was checking out her ass as she bent over in that short skirt of hers. Hell, she was probably doing it on purpose for him. “Are you sure you don’t want him? Speak now or forever hold your peace,” she taunted.

  “Are you sure you want him? I thought you liked Matt. You go over there and flirt away in front of him and it’ll probably change his opinion of you forever.”

  “Yeah, well, Matt’s bee
n sitting on his ass for weeks. It’s starting to piss me off.”

  I caught the laughter in the back of my throat, and it made a funky noise. “Please. You were just going to toy with him anyways.”

  “Maybe, maybe not. He’s kind of growing on me. And a girl has needs, you know?”

  I chuckled at that. Trust me, I knew what needs actually were. I was the one who had been sexless ever since I got pregnant. “Here,” I replied, placing the drinks on her tray. “Go shake that ass and make some money.”

  “Let me hop up on this bar like Coyote Ugly and I will shake it till the sun comes up, girlie.”

  “Eh…” I groaned. That was so not the crowd of guys I wanted to attract here. I waved her off with my hand and she obliged. I spent the next two hours tending bar, occasionally losing the battle to keep my eyes to myself. Seemed I wasn’t the only one, because Shane was already looking each and every time. Three out of five times Chelsie was standing there talking to Matt, so that might’ve been what made his eyes wander, but still. His face looked as resigned as mine felt. I honestly was beyond caring, so long as he didn’t come up and start accusing me of false crap again. That first round might’ve stunned me into silence, but I sure as hell wouldn’t react that docilely the next.

  Finally around eight-thirty, the two of them got up to leave. I tried not to notice, but damn my eyes for being so curious. Especially since he avoided looking my way the whole way out.

  Burn.

  It only took me two minutes to pack my things. Even though I had already paid for the night, I was so ecstatic to get the hell up out of here, I didn’t care that I was losing money. Matt had an extra room at his apartment that had his old twin bed in it. Hell if I cared. So long as the room didn’t reek to high heaven, I was in.

  Five minutes down the road I turned into the Hidden Cove Apartments and navigated my way to building thirteen. Matt met me at the door and gave me the grand tour of his eight hundred square foot home – which basically entailed him standing in the living room and pointing to the kitchen, the dining room for which he had no table, and the two doors that led to the bedrooms.

  The guest room was small, but since it had nothing but the twin bed in it, it was easy to maneuver. And on the plus side, I had my own bathroom. Nothing in this apartment had been updated in the past ten years, but Matt clearly kept it clean. Total shocker there. After witnessing his gym locker and beat up old Jeep Wrangler in high school, I was expecting the equivalent of a frat house. The counter and bath tub were a little dusty, but that was it.

  Together we crashed on opposite ends of his sofa, Shiner Bock in hand, and watched the Mavericks beat up on the Lakers. “So what’s up with that Chelsie chick you’re always staring at?”

  His chuckle had a little bit of evil in it. “I know, right? I’ve been giving her the eye for a while now, waiting to see if she’ll ask me out, but she hasn’t yet.”

  “Is there a reason you can’t do it?”

  “I could, but I know her well enough to know she likes to play hard to get. So I figure, instead of having to ask her out five times before she’ll say yes, I’ll just show my interest and not ask her out. Totally working man. She’s borderline pissed at me.”

  I turned to look at his profile. “Are you for real?”

  “I’m telling you, these past few weeks she’s been showing me a lot more tits and ass. She’s just aching to spread her legs for me.”

  That just wasn’t something I wanted to picture. At least not with Chelsie. As if he could read my mind, he asked, “So what’s up with Melanie? You interested?”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Uh, duuuuuuhhh!” he groaned like a moron. “Only because you constantly look for her when she’s not around and try to avoid looking for her when she is. You’re like a fucking twelve-year-old. Next thing I know, you’ll be asking me to ask Chelsie if she likes you. Maybe we’ll have her check the yes or no box for you.”

  “Shut up. Besides, you know damn well what she did to Brad. Even if I did feel something, why the hell would I want to date a cheater?”

  “Was she?” he asked, followed quickly by a hoot and a holler as he jumped off the sofa in celebration of Nowitzki’s slam dunk at the end of the first period. When he calmed down and the commercials ran, he turned to me and said, “Didn’t they break up before then? I mean their relationship seemed to go to shit long before that whole cheating scandal hit.”

  “What?” I asked confusedly. Brad made it sound like that was the reason they broke up. “What the hell happened between them then?”

  He shrugged, his lips smashing together in a straight line. “Hell if I know. You’d have to ask her.”

  Huh. That plagued my thoughts for the next half hour. We sat silently, nothing between us but the sound of the announcers and the occasional hollers Matt yelled at the TV. What if Mel hadn’t cheated on Brad like I’d been told she had? I’d spent the past several years equal parts yearning and hating her for what she did. And that look she gave me last week when I outright called her a cheating bitch – it was utter shock on her face, so much so she couldn’t even respond. What if she never really did anything and I was just being a complete ass all these years by ignoring her?

  “Can I ask you something?” Matt’s head slowly rotated my way. He could tell by the tone of my voice this might be one of those uncomfortable personable questions most guys tended to avoid. “Why the hell would Brad tell me she cheated if she really hadn’t?”

  His eyebrows arched quizzically. “Seriously?”

  I shrugged in return. Seriously.

  He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head before taking a swig of beer. “You guys think the whole world is oblivious, but we’re not. Everyone knew you two were always into one another.” One of my eyes pinched slightly at him. No way in hell people knew. I was careful, always avoiding looking in her direction unless everyone else was distracted. No way they knew. Right? “When I heard there was a picture out there circulating everyone’s inboxes that showed her cheating, I thought for sure you were going to be the guy stripping her down.”

  “No, you didn’t,” I rebutted slowly.

  “No man, I did. Maybe Brad lied to you because he didn’t want you to have her either.”

  I just stared at Matt, my eyes gradually pinching farther, ready to shoot daggers. No way. No fucking way Brad would lie about that just to spite me. I’d never done anything to him. Never once tried to steal her away, avoided being alone with her like it was the plague. Because quite frankly, there were times I feared my mouth would say something that would jeopardize the stability of our little triangle. Brad and I had been friends for as long as I could remember, and I loved him like a brother. He had to know I’d never move in on him, would never be responsible for breaking them up. It killed me to watch her from the sidelines, but I accepted that fate long ago. He’d beat me to her. He’d won.

  But to tell me she was a lying, cheating whore? His wording was perfect. I was so angry I managed to completely shut down my feelings for her that first year. He said just what I needed to hear to make her unlikable.

  What if none of it was true?

  I laid in bed for two hours, tossing and turning, the same thoughts drifting through my head on repeat. For the life of me I just couldn’t fall asleep, especially once that memory from the night of the Christmas dance began playing.

  My sister Jenny was so upset. Our mom had called to tell her that our parents’ flight kept being delayed to the point there was no way she could get home in time to help her get ready for the dance. It was supposed to be her first date with this guy she really liked, and who I wanted to slam into the wall just for thinking about wanting her. For some reason it was the end of the world. Something about how she couldn’t fix her hair by herself and how she just wouldn’t go now. Major overreaction. Hell, I was all for her staying home, but I couldn’t take the crying. So I sucked it up and called the one girl I knew would be willing to come over and help her.<
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  Mel was there in twenty minutes, smiling even though she had a dress hooked awkwardly in her hand, a bag on her shoulder and her hair all up in large rollers, strands of hair already falling out. Damn if she wasn’t cute – definitely something I wouldn’t mind seeing more often. Jenny had calmed down once I told her help was on the way, but her eyes were still red and her cheeks flushed. A far cry from the beauty that walked down the stairs thirty minutes later. Mel did her job a little too well, and by the way her date’s eyes widened, I was glad I had already threatened Jonathan that the entire varsity baseball team would use his nutsack for target practice if touched even one hair on her head. Yeah, it was satisfying when I told them I’d see them at the dance in just a bit, because it made Jonathan drop his hand from the small of her back as they walked to his car.

  “Jenny?” Mel called out. Since she was already gone, I headed to Jenny’s room myself. The door was cracked, and when I pushed it open, I saw Mel’s back, the silky, black dress halfway zipped up her body. The hinge released a tiny squeak and her head turned my way while slipping on her heels.

  “Jenny’s gone.”

  “Already? Okay. Could you zip me up then?” Without waiting for an answer, she turned her back to me and pulled her long, curly hair up out of the way.

  It took a moment for my feet to move towards her, my mind stunned by the thought, to the point I just felt numb. A friend would just simply zip it up and be done with it. But damn if my hand refused to behave that way. It was epically slow as it tugged the metal rectangle upward, passing over the bare skin I ached to touch.

  She wasn’t even wearing a bra tonight.

  I had only covered half the distance when her head twisted sideways. I knew what I was doing was wrong, that my movement was way more intimate than it should’ve been, but whatever her reaction was, she kept it still and silent. She was even slow to react once my hands left her body, brushing against her shoulders as they retreated.