Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  She dropped her hair and slowly faced me. I hadn’t even bothered to look down at the dress, my eyes hypnotically set on hers, when I softly said, “Beautiful.” She gave me a tiny smile, but her eyes drifted to assess my body. I had changed into my tux while she worked on Jenny, but the jacket was still downstairs.

  Her hands reached for my hair, her fingers combing through the strands I had set in place with product. My eyes couldn’t help but close, my senses indulging in her touch as her nails swept gently against my scalp. “I know tonight’s a night when you’re supposed to look polished, but you’ve never looked sexier than on the days you came to school with your hair all a mess. Like you were too cool to even bother with it or change out of the wrinkled shirt you slept in.” I could sense the smile in her voice, but I didn’t open my eyes until her hands drifted down to my tie. She was messing with it, after I had spent ten minutes perfecting the knot. “Can I ask you something?”

  I murmured mmm-hmm.

  “Why did you ask me over instead of your date? Which one is it tonight anyways?”

  I shrugged. “Does it matter? I wouldn’t want Jenny looking up to either one of them.” Not to mention I had zero intention of ever allowing Amber or Brittany inside this house to meet my family. They knew they were nothing more than a distraction, and I didn’t want to give them the idea of something more.

  Her eyes skirted north to mine, a twisted smile forming. “Good. I was beginning to worry about you in that department.” She finished pulling on the tie, leaving the strand of silk untied and draped around my neck in disorderly fashion. “Much better,” she complimented, patting my chest twice before stepping away.

  When she did, I noticed Brad leaning against the door frame, taking us in, lightly patting a corsage box against his thigh. He was family here, so he was welcome to just walk through the door anytime he came over. How long had he been there? What did he hear? How the hell I remained that calm on the outside still baffled me. Thankfully, at some point my hands knew they couldn’t be trusted and hid out in the pockets of my pants, where they now tensed in his presence.

  “Brad,” I said coolly. Mel looked to him briefly, then finished stuffing her belongings into her bag.

  “What’s going on?” he asked curiously, a hint of accusation in his voice.

  “Just finishing up,” Mel answered, grabbing her bag and making her way to the door. She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. “You look nice, baby.”

  “I’ll take that,” he said, pulling her bag off her shoulder and handing the corsage her way.

  “Thank you. Just let me go to the bathroom and I’ll be ready to go.”

  Brad nodded, but his eyes were on me as she left. We just stood there, suffocated with uncomfortable silence, and I worried that he heard enough for her to refer to me as sexy and him as just nice. Finally, my mouth found words. “Well, I’ve got to go get Brittany.”

  I shuffled my feet forward, squeezing past him as he merely twisted instead of moving out of the doorway. “Yeah. You do that,” he muttered.

  That was the last dance I went to in Berryville. My family moved away two months later.

  “Fuck,” I groaned, roughly stroking my eyes with the heels of my palms, still lying there in bed. What if I did play a hand at breaking them up? No wonder Brad lied to me. Looking back and remembering, I was absolutely horrible at covering up my feelings for her that night. It was no wonder I tried to minimize contact with her all through high school. The one time I let her touch me like that, I went into some dumbfounded trance I had no desire to snap out of.

  But that Mel, she was the one who made me fall in love with her. The one who came over last minute with curlers falling out of her hair to help a girl she hardly knew just because I asked her to. Who made my sister smile again and go on her first date with the guy she ended up marrying just last year. Who always helped people without asking for anything in return. How was I not supposed to fall for someone like that?

  My chest felt strained. This weird burning sensation drowned me all the way from my throat to my heart. It had been forever since I’d felt this kind of suffocation. Years really. And I knew why. Because that was the last time I truly allowed myself to want her. Even after all these years apart, my damn heart was incredibly sensitive when it came to Mel. It still wanted her, needed her. My hands kept fisting, fingertips digging deep into my palms. They remembered the feel of her body beneath them, squeezing and trailing along, seeking the way to bare skin. They wanted her closer, too. And lying there in the darkness, I swear I could smell the spicy floral scent of her perfume wafting through my nose.

  I needed to talk to her. Now.

  There was still about twenty minutes until closing. If she was working the last shift, she’d still be there. I pulled my clothes off the suitcase and redressed, running my fingers through my bed-head before hurrying out the door. Matt had long gone to bed. Luckily he lent me his spare key, so I wouldn’t have to bother him with what he’d probably call a pubescent dilemma.

  At ten to midnight, I pushed through the bar door. Only one patron remained, a man close to retirement age camped out in front of the flat screen currently airing SportsCenter. Closer inspection made me realize it was the same guy who was here last week at closing. No one was working the bar and a quick peek through the passthrough showed that the kitchen was dark and shut down for the night.

  I was already here, so I pulled up a chair and waited to see who came back out. After two minutes, my smile partially hitched upward. Her eyes were on the old man as she came out, but once she spotted me at the opposite end of the bar, she paused. My hands were fisted together before my chin, so all she could really see were my eyes. I guess she deemed me a non-threat, because she slowly headed towards me, her skittish eyes never leaving mine.

  Couldn’t blame her really. I was sure her mind drifted back to the other night when I was here at closing. Whether or not I made a complete ass out of myself was still up for debate.

  “Last call was five minutes ago,” she stated monotonously.

  “I didn’t really come here for a drink.”

  “Then why did you come here?” She was still several feet away, like she was afraid the two feet of mahogany wasn’t enough space between us.

  I inhaled and exhaled deeply, dropping my hands to the bar, trying to appear less uncomfortable than I felt. “I need to know what really happened between you and Brad.”

  Suspicious of me, she tilted her chin. “What exactly do you mean by really?”

  “I’m not here to fight.”

  “Or call me names?” she threw out contemptuously.

  I accepted her blow and shook my head in response. “I just want to know if I was misinformed in any way.”

  The tension holding her ramrod straight seemed to relent. Turning her attention the opposite way, she called, “Five minutes, Joey!” He waved in response, not bothering to turn away from his program. Hesitantly, she approached the bar and draped her hands over as well. Her hands were just inches from mine, making my fingers twitch sporadically, like they were trying to nudge me closer. “Why now?” she asked softly, her beautiful bright blue eyes seeking mine. “After all this time, what does it even matter?”

  “It matters,” was all I said.

  “I don’t know what you really want me to say, Shane. You want my honest opinion about what happened between me and Brad?” I nodded and she pointed at me. “You. You happened.”

  My eyes widened with fear. Shit. Had that moment between us that night been the catalyst to their breakup? My heart began pounding in my chest, but slowly relented as her explanation told another story.

  “After his parents died, you were the one stability he had left. Yeah, I came in towards the end and he had a love with me, but you were the one he really needed. And when you moved away, he took it really hard. He started drinking a lot more. There were days he came to school smelling of beer, like he had it for breakfast. Then he started in on the weed, and it became on
e more thing he began needing all the time. Said it numbed him. His relationship with his grandmother went to total crap at that point. She could see him degrading and wanted him to stop and get it together, but it only made him rebel more.”

  Across the room, metal screeched against the floorboards, making us both turn to acknowledge it. Joey adjusted his jeans and slowly ambled across the room, tipping his hat and saying. “You good to drive?” she asked. He nodded again and slipped through the door.

  Her mouth was sucking in her bottom lip, just like she always used to do when she was nervous. But the moment her gaze returned to mine and she realized I was focusing in on it, she released it. Clearing her throat, she continued. “Look I feel bad for all the loss he’s suffered, I really do. But he was drowning and had zero desire to be rescued. I had to let him go before he dragged me down with him. So when he up and disappeared one day, I decided that was the best for both of us.”

  I leaned into the back support, digging the heels of my hands into my thighs, scraping downward. How could I miss all that? Shit, how the hell did all that happen in just three months’ time? I began rubbing my eyebrows, anticipating the burn my head was sure to fire up soon. “I’m sorry. When I left, you guys were fine. Every time I called and talked to him, he seemed fine.”

  “Well, yeah,” she said with a huff, “he was talking to you. But once the conversation ended, he realized he was right back where he was before it began. Suckville, apparently.”

  I returned my hands to the bar and hers slipped away. “Why didn’t you call me and tell me what was going on?”

  “Don’t think I didn’t try,” she replied, grabbing a bottle and two shot glasses from the back wall. She began pouring a generous amount of golden liquid, then topped it off with a lime and laid the salt shaker between us. With the wryest of smiles, she said, “Unfortunately, that was around the time I dropped my phone into Lake Palestine.”

  I picked up my glass, giving her the stink eye. “How many times did I tell you not to take that out on the inner tube with you?”

  She rolled her eyes and muttered, “Shut up,” before downing her tequila, following it with a bite of lime and a lick of salt. I was ready to roll my eyes as well – but at myself, my mind wondering something dirty as her tongue swept across her wrist. “I had it in a plastic baggy to keep it from getting wet but the SOB sank when I knocked it off. I couldn’t find it.”

  I just kept shaking my head at her, my lips beginning to curl with amusement. After shooting my own, I said, “Alright. You lost your phone. You couldn’t ask someone for my number?”

  “I did!’ she exclaimed, pouring us another shot before I even had the time to recover from the first. I was a beer drinker, not a shot taker, and my insides were inflamed from mouth to stomach. “Well, I couldn’t ask Brad for it because he was so freaking sensitive those days, always making something out of nothing. I didn’t want him to sound off about why I needed to talk to you, so I tried Brittany.”

  Ugh. Just the reminder made me groan aloud.

  “Yeah. Bitch wouldn’t give it to me. She saw how our relationship was going downhill, so I think she thought I wanted to squeeze myself into the Shane-sex-rotation or something. I had the same problem with Amber, so I just gave up and hoped you would eventually call me.”

  But I never did. Because I never realized something was wrong. How the hell could I not know? Not see the beginning of his demise? All this time I thought Mel was the reason he snapped and fell into the deep end. Turns out it was probably a combination of us both.

  Mel sighed and downed her second shot, this one a little slower. I followed, closing my eyes as the warmth scorched its way into my chest. Despite its persistent burning, it calmed the jitters just being beside her again caused.

  “You really can shoot your tequila, can’t you?” I remarked approvingly.

  She snorted and covered her mouth and nose from embarrassment, making me laugh, releasing some pent up pressure weighing me down. “No,” she replied, “I really can’t. I only shoot every once and a while, so it makes me woozy pretty quickly. Any more than two and I can’t drive home.”

  “Oh, well, in that case,” I teased, leaning over the edge, trying to grasp the bottle, “let me pour you one more so I can keep you here a little longer.” Driving her home and putting her to bed wasn’t a bad idea either…

  “No!” she shrieked, pulling the tequila away from my grasp and putting it back on the shelf where it belonged. Our grins slowly began fading, our eyes softening as the air filled with a silence we weren’t sure how to play, almost to the point it was uncomfortable. I just wanted to reach out and pull her to me, feel her warmth against my body.

  “Why didn’t you call?” she asked sadly.

  My guilty eyes dropped to the table, suddenly finding the empty shot glasses interesting. Frowning, I forced myself to look back up before I told her, “Same reason you didn’t want to ask Brad for my number. You were his girl. You weren’t mine to call.”

  One of her hands fell from the bar and pressed into her hip, and her body began to sway and twist. “You were my friend too, you know?”

  I nodded and bit down on my lip. “You’re right. I should’ve called.”

  She murmured.

  And that uncomfortable silence began to build again. Scanning the room, I remembered the juke box and jumped to my feet. “I know what we need. Come here.”

  “Hell. No,” she replied, giving her words a little twang.

  “Yes,” I said, already scanning the titles for a particular song.

  “Na-uh.”

  I knew exactly what she was thinking. That a replay of last Thursday was bound to happen if she removed herself of that mahogany barricade. And damn if I wasn’t going to try. “If you don’t get out here, I’m going to play Informer ten times straight.”

  Laughing, she said, “Do you really think I’d put that song on there?”

  We heard that song for the first time when we went to this nineties themed party junior year. We actually hated it, but still memorized every word, because singing it obnoxiously pissed Brad off to the point he’d want to bash his head into a wall. We were horrible, and would probably be a YouTube sensation if we’d just record it. “My phone has an incredibly loud speaker system. I’ll purchase it if you don’t get your ass out here.”

  “I’m calling your bluff, outfielder.” Wow. Outfielder. I hadn’t heard that nickname in forever.

  “Mel, if you make me come get you, you won’t like my retrieval process. It resembles something a caveman would do.”

  She playfully groaned and muttered, “Fine.” She made the mistake of side bumping me to get a better view of the jukebox, so I quickly shoved her before me and trapped her against the machine, the cutest grunt sounding between her lips. Damn she felt good, and I found myself trying to maximize the surface area between us, squeezing her into the tightest space possible between my arms, pressing my chest into her back.

  Her hips bent forward as she leaned onto the glass, pushing that curvy ass against me. My head fell back and I needed a moment to restrain myself – she had officially activated the launch system.

  “So what are you looking for?”

  I gritted my teeth and pinched my eyes before lifting my head, leaning it against hers sideways. “Something I know you’ve put on here.”

  “If you tell me, I can just bring it up for you.”

  I flipped to the next page of songs. “Now where would be the fun in that?”

  “You mean not being able to keep me smashed beneath you?”

  My smile spread wide, but she couldn’t see it. Whispering into her ear, I replied, “I don’t see you trying to squirm your way free.” Before she could rebut, or worse, actually try to escape, I found what I was looking for. “Ha! I knew it.” I slipped a quarter in and felt her deep chuckles reverberate off me when I selected the song.

  As the music began, my hands were uncontrollable, sliding down her waist, forcing her hips to mo
ve with mine. It sure as hell didn’t help my condition rubbing her against me, but her sweet laughter made it all worthwhile. I sang the first two lines to Bad Moon Rising, my lips smothering her ear. As she extended her neck, it took all my strength not to bite into her right then.

  She sang the next two lines, her hands gripping mine. I wrapped my arms around her stomach, yanking us backwards, maneuvering between the spread out tables, both of us still singing the words between bouts of laughter. I twirled her again and again, not caring that we were bumping tables and chairs left and right. I occasionally dipped her low, and on the third one, she landed perfectly atop a four-top…and I didn’t bring her back up.

  I gasped as his mouth sucked at the top of my jaw, his hot exhalation tickling my ear. My back arced and it felt oh so good, vibrations ripping at me down below. I don’t know where my hand came from, but it was suddenly stroking the nape of Shane’s neck and into his hair, pushing him down, encouraging his mouth to keep on keeping on.

  He groaned and obliged me for a few more love bites, then lifted his head above me. His eyes were piercing mine, but I couldn’t get my attention off his lips, hanging slightly open like mine, waiting to be touched for the first time. God it was embarrassing how deep my breaths were, how hard my chest was trying to rise against his. Worse, I whimpered. I actually freaking whimpered from anticipation.

  His lips curled and dipped towards mine.

  CLICK.

  It was nothing but a pin drop, but as silent as this room was, it might as well have been a damn cannon blasting. Both our heads twisted for the front door, where Chelsie was standing in awe, already chuckling at us. “So this is what happens after hours.”

  Shit! I pushed against him. He reluctantly let me up and I yanked at my top, which had risen up well above my belly button.

  “Sorry, guys,” she said on her way to the back of the bar, “but I think my wallet fell out of my bag here. I’ll just…” She disappeared for a moment, then popped up flashing a silver square. “Found it! I’ll just…go away now.”