Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  "Yeah," I muttered reluctantly.

  "She talking to you yet?”

  “I don’t know. She asked me to leave her alone so I haven’t bothered to try. I’m hoping she’ll call though. At least to tell me she’s okay.”

  “So you’re just going to leave without finding out? Your best friend just obliterated your friendship. There’s no reason for you and Melanie to feel guilty for getting together now.”

  “That wasn’t what was holding me back. It did in high school, but not now. I’ve been more put off by all the secrets and lies. Just when I think I’ve learned everything there is to know, something pops up and rears its ugly head.”

  I stuffed the last of my crap into my bag and zipped it shut.

  “Dude, can I be blunt?”

  I chuckled as I lifted my duffle off the bed and shouldered it. “Since when do you ask?”

  “You were a fucking pussy in high school and didn’t ask her out. So what happened? You lost her. You leave town right now without talking to her, with your tail between your legs, you’re going to lose her all over again. You going to be able to get over her a second time? Because I don’t think you ever got over her the first time, man.”

  Damn Matt for putting the thought of losing her into my mind. It was like he knew exactly what to say to haunt me for the rest of my life. I’d been sitting in my rental for ten minutes now, my chair leaned slightly back until I figured out where the hell I was headed.

  Home or Mel’s.

  Shit, I didn’t even know where she lived, and when Matt and I went to Sully’s last night, he told us he gave Mel some time off to recuperate. Placating the thought of going to see her, I looked her up through the white pages but she was unlisted. Couldn’t blame her really. She always knew there was a chance Brad could come back into town looking for that money, so of course she made sure she was more difficult to find. The prick found her anyway though. Why the hell did she ever stay in this town? Why didn’t she leave, especially once she got the money?

  If I was going to see her one last time before I left, I knew there was only one way I was going to get her address.

  I pulled in front of a one story home with 914 written on the aged metal mailbox. I recognized the black Jeep in the driveway and I cringed a little inside. As much as I didn’t want Karen around for this, at least I knew I had the right house.

  I parked the car and made my way to the front door, rapping several times. My damn insides were fucking skipping circles. Why the hell did this girl always make me so freaking nervous?

  Fuck. Of course Karen would be the one to answer the door. But oddly enough, she didn’t look ready to pop me again. But that didn’t keep me from retreating an extra foot regardless of the screen door between us. I dug my hands into my jean pockets and asked, “This is Mel’s place, right?”

  She nodded and extended one arm across the doorway to block it, saying, “Yup.”

  After a few seconds of nothing, I asked, “Is she here?”

  “Depends,” she said, cocking her eyebrows once. “Are you here to continue beating the emotional crap out of her or to admit you’ve been a real douchebag these past two weeks?”

  I withheld the death glare, but I was unable to contain the annoyed grumble in my throat. Coming here against Mel’s wishes was hard enough without the Karen brigade blocking the entrance.

  “Do I look like I’m ready to fight?” I asked calmly. If anything, I looked utterly exhausted and emotionally drained – exactly how I felt.

  “Whatever,” she mumbled, dropping her arm from the door. Before I could even reach for the screen, she added the all-important, “But she’s not here.”

  The beat of my heart scampered a few times, worrying about her being out by herself, especially since no one knew where Brad was or what the hell he was capable of right now. “She’s not back at work already, is she?”

  One of her cheeks squished as she shrugged, indicating she had no idea. “She just said she needed some time to think, and I can tell you from experience the past two hours babysitting this lil’ rugrat, that peace and quiet are two words that are not in his vocabulary yet.” As if on cue, a wail came from the back of the house, but Karen obviously felt no need to run for it. It was quickly followed by a few more noises, like a mouth-induced car explosion and more wails and screeches.

  “Alright. Will you tell her I stopped by?” When her forehead began to furrow at my request, I added, “Please?”

  She exhaled a quick puff of air. “Fine, but I can’t promise she’ll have the courage to talk to you yet.”

  Sitting back in my car, I found myself staring at my phone again, wanting to call her. But fear held me back. If she didn’t respond or told me to go hell again, I’d lose the courage to seek her out and just head home, and try to shut the door on this life forever. But I didn’t want to leave. Even if she hated me, she was vulnerable right now. It was times like this I wished I had On-Star or a damn lojack on the truck Brad stole.

  What happened when Brad ran out of the money he stole? It was only a couple hundred bucks. If he could breeze through the money he got from his dead parents that quickly, this money would be gone with the blink of an eye. Especially with those damn habits of his. Would he come back for more? Or try a new place to rob? I knew Mel said she didn’t have the money anymore, but I had no idea if that was true. If she did and just gave it to him, he’d leave her alone for good. I was sure of it. Disappear right into the night never to be seen again.

  “Think, Shane,” I said to myself. “Where would she go?”

  We spent more than three years practically inseparable. As much as I tried not to learn everything about Mel, it was unavoidable. My curiosity was always absorbing the minute details, all the hidden meanings in her words. My subconscious hung on her every movement whether I paid attention to her or not.

  Some place quiet. Maybe even hidden to avoid being interrupted. Some place that probably held good memories to lift her spirit.

  The only place I could truly think of like that was the spot along Lake Palestine where we always went to. It was mostly private, requiring a short walk through the trees to get to. I could already imagine her out there, floating lazily in that inner tube she doodled on with bright neon markers, spinning circles, the wind tossing the stray wisps of hair around her hairline. Her grin was huge beneath those oversized sunglasses, the glint of the sun always winking off her shades.

  That spot is where I would go. Hell, I wanted to go right now, just to relive all the memories of a better time. I sighed and collapsed my crown against the head rest of my rental. I just realized I was never going to get over this girl.

  Never.

  Damn my conflicted mind. One part of me wanted to run off from here, find Shane and beg him to forgive me, to accept me for who I was. The other part of me wanted to let him cut and run, let him live a more drama-free life. Brad would always be a sore spot for us. I mean, how could we not constantly think of him, the third point that created a very fucked up triangle? Not to mention Jake. So far he was the spitting image of Brad, which to be honest, wouldn’t make things easier. Just another way to force us to remember that I used to be Brad’s.

  I told myself that if both would’ve asked me out back then, that I would’ve chosen Shane. But I really wasn’t sure about that. I didn’t know either one of them going into that triangle. Both were good-looking, one blond with blue eyes, the other brown with green eyes. Both had killer smiles and tight bodies. With time I grew to love Brad, but I had to fight my eyes from trying to linger towards Shane. I tried not to pay much attention to it, convinced it was just that syndrome of always wanting what you couldn’t have. But he stuck with me through the years, even once Brad was long gone. At some point you have to stop and ask yourself…is it lust or an actual longing for someone?

  I was beginning to think both now that I’d had the chance to feel his hands on my body. The lust was definitely front and center in his proximity, but I knew my interest
really lied on a deeper level. I felt the loss through the years, like a little hole was somewhere inside me, like a piece of me left when he did and it never came back for me. But it was like I could sense it again when he was near. It called to me. Connected with me when he touched me, making me feel complete.

  Stupid really. At least that was what the other side of my head kept telling me.

  Wishful thinking, all of it. I seemed so enamored by the idea of being with Shane that I was actually beginning to convince myself we were best off together. And where I could probably agree that was true for me, it wasn’t necessarily true for him. I was the baggage dumped and left unclaimed at the airport, so inconsequential and easily replaceable that no one ever cared to go back for it. Not worth the effort.

  I twisted and leaned sideways against the tree, inhaling and exhaling several deep breaths. I was beginning to give myself a headache with all the back and forth commentary going on inside my head. I kept forgetting the most important part in this equation. Jake. It was what was in his best interest moving forward that mattered. Not me. Not Shane. Not my miserable heart. Just Jake.

  I heard a car door slam in the distance, and I moaned my annoyance. This spot was pretty secluded, but it was entirely possible someone else could’ve dubbed it their own through the years. Still. Teenagers were in school right now and most adults at work, so it was odd that I’d have company out here.

  As the crunching of leaves neared closer and closer, my heart began to ache more and more. I wasn’t sure whether to whine or jump for glee. And I didn’t have to turn around to know who was coming, I could feel it in the air.

  “What do you want?” I asked softly, not bothering to move from my tree, keeping my back to him.

  “It’s not really safe for you to be out here alone. Of all places, this is one of the few that held good memories for Brad.”

  My head shifted his way. He stopped about ten feet away, legs squat so we were practically eye level. I wished they weren’t soft and kind, loving even. It would be so much easier to walk away from him if he continued to be a jerk.

  “Do you think he’ll come back?”

  “If he thinks there’s any way to get that money out of you, then yeah, I do. So please keep yourself with good company from now on. It’d kill me if something happened to you.” After a few seconds, his head dipped to the ground to swipe aimlessly at the dirt. “Or Jake,” he added.

  I simply nodded my head and turned back to stare out at the lake. “So you’re leaving then?”

  He huffed. “Well, thanks to Brad I need to buy a new truck. Which means I need to find a job. I can stay with my parents in Dallas for free, and it’ll be easier to find one there.”

  See? Wishful thinking to ever believe our stars would align.

  “But before I go, I’d really like to know the truth.”

  “About what?” I asked wearily. There were so many to choose from.

  “Jake. You say that Brad is the father. I’m going to go out on a limb here and consider Brad was lying about not being able to have kids. Probably hoped it would ruin my feelings for you. But that picture. Are you sure that other guy isn’t involved?”

  Shaking my head slowly, I quietly replied, “He’s not.”

  Gawd, I really didn’t want to think about that. I’d worked so hard to make people forget, including myself. But I could already tell he was going to dig and yank on the one hatchet I wanted to remain buried forever.

  “Who was he?” I dared to ask, but my real question was why wasn’t it me she wanted?

  I still remembered the day Brad sent that picture to my phone. She was lying on a bed with that college guy pressed on top of her, her shirt wide open and his hand hidden beneath her skirt. The part I could never get out of my mind was her face, the way her head was tipped back, mouth agape. I couldn’t tell you how many times I imagined myself doing the very same thing, getting to be the reason she couldn’t stop moaning.

  The only disturbing part was that it seemed everyone we knew got a copy of it, like Brad was determined to ruin her or something. Funny thing was, knowing how guys thought, it probably got her more attention than less. And as for the girls, high school was over. What prudes found it offensive didn’t matter anymore – she was no longer around for them to show their disgust.

  Mel’s gaze was locked on the lake. Mine soon followed. The softness of the ripples soothed my mind, allowing myself to drift through the memories, pictures of the three of us when everything seemed perfect for the most part. I just waited her out, letting her collect her thoughts. Secrets still lingered between us, and I just couldn’t let them go. Couldn’t let her go. Even if I did go back to Dallas, then back to Austin, I didn’t want this to be the end of us. I wanted to know her again, to trust her again. I just kept waiting, hoping she’d be willing to let me in.

  “The first thing you should know,” she began, “was that picture was taken before Brad and I broke up, but I didn’t cheat on him.”

  I wasn’t really sure how in the hell that worked, but before I could really think on it, she added, “I know you weren’t around for it, but soon after you moved away I decided on Tulane. I was really excited to go.” For the briefest of seconds, a smile spread across her face. “Becky’s older brother went there, and she suggested that we take a road trip to New Orleans and check it out. And of course Natalie was going to have to go anywhere Becky went, and Karen got sick last minute, so just the three of us drove over one weekend. I didn’t ask Brad to come because he was already drinking more than I liked and we were already fighting about it. And then we fought about me going off to a college campus filled with horny guys without him.” Even from her profile, I could see her roll her eyes as she swayed her head side to side.

  “The first day was cool, got to walk the campus and check out some of the local hangouts. Got to go to Bourbon Street and such. Then night came and we managed to slip into some frat party going on. I couldn’t even tell you which one anymore. All I know is that I was so freaking drunk, dancing with everything and anything. Hell, we all were. It just felt so good to kick back and cut loose with the girls, you know?

  “I guess Becky had enough sense to call her brother at some point, because the next thing I knew I was being yanked out of that party and dragged back to his house. Crazy thing was, it was like we were just trading one party for another, because his housemates had a pretty big one going on too. I don’t know what the hell happened. After they dumped me and Natalie in some bedroom, Becky and her brother were having it out down the hall. I thought it was her when the door opened and closed.”

  Oh, fuck. My head fell back, my gaze stuck on the blinding sky. I already knew where this was going, and I didn’t like the way my heart began to beat angrily against my ribs.

  “I was laying there on the bed with my eyes closed, utterly exhausted when that linebacker just fell on top of me. I was so fucking drunk that he had my shirt ripped open before I even realized there was something wrong about that. That it wasn’t Brad doing that. I started fighting him, but I couldn’t find my voice. And Natalie was right there, sitting on the floor. She was as high as a kite and laughing about it. Fucking taking pictures of him feeling me up, trying to strip me down.”

  I was about ready to track Natalie down and fucking kill her.

  “I know how that picture looks alright? I know everyone takes one look at it and calls me a whore. But that’s not a moan coming out of me. Him…putting his hand down there…that’s what finally got a real scream out of me.”

  My hands smashed against my face and slid north, my fingers yanking on my hair, the sting doing little to control the surge of anger coursing through my veins, leaving a fiery trail in its wake. Someone had the fucking nerve to touch her! “Did he rape you?” I forced out, the gruffness of my voice hardly hiding the menace behind my question. I pinched my eyes, fearful of hearing the worst.

  “No,” she whispered, and a burst of air filled my lungs. Funny…I didn’t even realize
they were empty.

  “Becky’s brother got him off of me before he got that far.”

  Thank the Lord for small miracles. My insides were beginning to calm, but my fingers remained strained, clenching and unclenching into a fist. “So…Jake?”

  “He’s Brad’s. I don’t care if he claims otherwise. Turns out I was already a few weeks pregnant when that guy jumped me. It was just really bad timing. I tried to tell Brad about what happened that night but he didn’t believe me. Said if it was the truth, then I would’ve told him right away, not wait for the picture to come through and then admit to it. But honestly, I never wanted to think of that night again. I got Becky to swear her silence, and Natalie…”

  Natalie. I still had some rage left for her, just sitting there laughing and taking pictures while her friend was being assaulted five feet away.

  “I don’t think she even remembered ever taking that picture because she sure as hell didn’t remember anything the next morning.” Shaking her head in confusion, she added, “It should’ve occurred to me take her phone and delete what she took, but so much was going on that it completely slipped my mind. It was her boyfriend who found it and sent it to Brad. He thought the same thing you did. That I cheated and Brad deserved to know.

  “But he didn’t believe me. You saw the pic. Why would he really?”

  I had to admit the photo was pretty damning. I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to look at it the same way again.

  “I thought I’d give him a few days to cool off, then talk to him again, but he was long gone by then and he never came back. Changed his number. Didn’t tell his grandmother where he was going. He was just gone, and the few people I figured who knew where he went was never going to tell me, because I was a lying, cheating whore.”

  The back of my legs were really screaming. I stood up and paced back and forth, letting the blood flow smoothly once again, the pain beginning to lessen. Everything about Brad was seriously beginning to sour. There was no telling what lies I’d fallen for over the years. But what I just didn’t get, was why? I never did anything to deserve them.