Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  “Weren’t you on the pill back then?”

  She turned and gave me a funky look. Guess she had no idea Brad had shared that with me. “Yeah, but I didn’t know that antibiotics could totally screw you on that, and I had taken them for three weeks trying to fight a nasty infection I got from stepping on broken glass. Took two weeks for me to stop hobbling.”

  A quick smile graced her face, but for what, she never said. Maybe she was picturing herself hobbling around. It was good to know she could still smile after reliving that nightmare just to satisfy my curiosity. I now understood why she didn’t want to get into it before. Hopefully what happened with that wanna-be-rapist didn’t weigh her down emotionally anymore.

  But there was one haunting question still dancing around in the back of my mind. Things between the three of us weren’t always bad. Deep down, I knew there was a time when she loved him. And good or bad, I had to know.

  “Would you still be with him if he had listened?”

  “No,” she said without hesitation. Her head swayed toward mine, her blue eyes gazing into mine. She almost seemed at peace for the moment. “Truth is, I had wanted to break up with him for a while. But he was so dependent on our relationship. I thought, with him getting to go off to a different college, that he’d meet a bunch of new people, maybe even a girl he could see himself with. I had every intention of breaking it off with him once he got established. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I knew the breakup was for the best.”

  Of course, Brad never did show up for school. Neither did Mel. How the hell did their lives take such a jagged curve in just a few months? And it was beginning to drown me in guilt. Would it have all still gone to shit if I hadn’t moved away? Would I have helped clear up the mess between them? Or would I have let Brad bail and disappear, just for that chance to make her mine? I didn’t care that she had a kid. It didn’t make me think any less of her. If anything, I was beginning to respect how well she had handled it all. She was a pregnant teenager, who lost her parents and support team, yet still managed to find a way to make it work. Why any guy would purposely avoid a single mom like Mel was beyond me. They were the mother, the father, the provider, the disciplinarian, everything. They proved time and again they didn’t need anything from anyone. I was sorry to say it, but I had met plenty of single people who weren’t even capable of taking care of themselves, let alone a child. Like Brad.

  Lost in my own world, I wasn’t sure how long we sat there in silence before she thumped her head back against the tree and I heard her mutter the faintest of words. I don’t think she expected me to hear them, but I did.

  “What?” I asked with anticipation. Her head jerked my way, eyes popping. Nope…she definitely didn’t mean for me to hear that.

  Oh, shit. I did say that out loud.

  It wasn’t his face I saw when I closed my eyes anyways...

  I could feel the strain as my eyes tried to escape from their protective caves. The way he was looking at me – with that sense of longing, wanting – made me skirt my gaze back to the shoreline and away from those mesmerizing green eyes.

  I climbed to my feet, dusting the dirt off of my floral printed dress, and causally said, “I have to go check up on Jake now.”

  “Mel?” he beckoned, taking a step toward me, eager for me to say the words on the tip of my tongue. “Who do you see when you close your eyes?”

  Who did I see? I saw a guy who grew up and out right before my eyes. I saw a guy who went from completely shy to so confidant he came off cocky most of the time. I saw a guy who I sometimes caught looking at me, fingers through, the swirls in a pair of deep green eyes that I wanted to see up close and personal, the wicked grin that made my insides explode into a mess of goo. but I was so naïve, that I wondered why. I still saw the messy brown hair that I anxiously wanted to run my I saw a guy who I’d wanted for so long I could no longer remember the exact moment when I fell in love with him.

  My voice was but a whisper. “Don’t ask me to answer that. It’ll only complicate our lives even more than they already are.”

  My body seemed heavy after those words, like I was suddenly realizing that to be true. Once upon a time I would’ve loved to be with him. But right now we were in two different places. He had his life in order and was about to begin law school. The last thing he needed was a woman with a toddler burdening him, bringing chaos to his life in a time when he needed to be studying his ass off. He was someone I would consider in the future, but hell if I was going to mindfuck his life like he said I did with Brad’s.

  I just stood there as he closed the gap between us, his face as solemn as I felt deep within. His hand reached out to cup my cheek and I found myself falling into it, my eyes closing, absorbing as much comfort from his grip as humanly possible. “Tell me what you want.” He leaned into me for a moment, his lips against my ear. “Say it’s me.”

  That sent a shiver through my body, made my lower jaw actually twitch. I swallowed hard.

  “Of course I want you,” I obliged, opening my eyes to find his lips beginning to curl, moving closer, closer, closer… I had been dreaming of this moment for years. Probably for as long as I’d known him, even when I didn’t realize he was a little more interested in me than it seemed. And here it was all over again, like that first night he came into my bar. My body was screaming yes but my head was pulling hard on the brakes. He was a sweet guy, but he sure didn’t deserve to have his life turned upside down by the likes of me.

  And for once I listened to the reasonable side of my head.

  “But you’re too late,” I added sadly, stopping his head mid-air, his features taking on the opposite expression. “It doesn’t matter what I want anymore. Want went out the window the moment I got pregnant. Everything I do, I do for Jake. My life isn’t ruled by wants anymore, just must haves. I must have this, must do that, must find a way to get him everything he needs. And I’m not going to disrupt the stability I’ve given him by allowing fly-by-night affairs into my home. I want you, but I’m nobody’s flavor of the week.”

  “Mel…”

  I shook my head, and pulled out of his grasp, proud of myself for not allowing the tears to break through, despite their stinging attack. This sucked. I really did want him, but Shane had never been nothing more than a player, and it seemed he still hadn’t changed, screwing Amber and all. Maybe I’d known that all along. Maybe that was another reason why I stayed with Brad so long. He was safe. He was committed. Something Shane had yet to grasp in the world of relationships. I wasn’t going to lie. If I were single and without a child, I’d probably be the first to jump on that. But I wasn’t, and I wouldn’t. My pissed off heart was just going to have to deal with it, because there was a little guy out there who needed me more. Who needed my full attention. Who needed a man in his life who would come in and stay forever, not just stay for a few months and find a reason to bail.

  “I’m sorry. If it were five years ago or maybe even ten from now, then yeah. I could probably say those words and act on them. But right now I can’t.”

  “Mel…” he repeated, my heart breaking as his voice cracked.

  But my feet kept walking backwards, and his remained still, bound to the ground. “I have to go, Shane. Take care.”

  Eight minutes and my feet still hadn’t moved since I watched her disappear through the trees. Seven since I heard her car start and the wheels kick gravel as she pulled out of the off-road lot. Fuck if I knew why I couldn’t move, why my head couldn’t seem to process what the hell just happened.

  I think she just blew me off. Indefinitely. And that just didn’t work for me.

  She could see dating me long ago or maybe in a few years, but not right now? The fuck?

  My feet finally managed to produce some movement, but it was aimless, pacing me back and forth. The crunch from the dried-up leaves beneath my feet was deafening, like every other sound lakeside had fallen away. Even nature seemed to be pitying me, going silent like that.

 
I got that she wanted to protect Jake at all costs, but to say she wanted me but refused to let herself act on it? To give up before even taking the chance to see if we could make it work? My head kept shaking over the thought. She wanted to be with me, and damn it all to hell if I was just going to go back home and pretend she didn’t. And what the hell was this fly-by-night shit she was going on about? I hadn’t been with anyone since I left Austin. And like all the others, Beth was a repeat customer with no strings attached. If Mel wanted to accuse me of avoiding commitment with these women, fine. But not for one night stands. I would commit for Mel. Shit, spending eight years looking for another girl like her and failing miserably was why I had never committed in the first place. Damn woman ruined me and I never even got to have her for myself.

  After another twenty minutes of useless pacing, I climbed into my rental and drove back to Mel’s. The hell I was going to make passing me up this easy for her. I rapped on the door several times. She peeked through the sheer in the window before deciding to open the door. She looked past me and scanned the street before focusing in on me, but stayed behind the screen door. Confused, she asked, “How do you know where I live? Karen said you came by earlier too.”

  I dug my hands deep within the pockets of my jeans. Reluctantly, I replied, “I asked the sheriff to tell me. I told him I needed to know you were going to be okay before I left.”

  “Which you did. Earlier,” she stressed.

  “Yeah. I did.” But it wasn’t enough. I needed her and she needed me. And I wasn’t going to give up on her. Whatever wall she had created to keep us separated, I was going to knock the fuck down. “Something you said is eating me up and I need you to clarify it.”

  “Okay,” she said hesitantly, looking behind her before slipping past the screen door to stand beside me on the porch. She had a thin robe on over her cotton tank and shorts and she nervously wrapped it tightly around her frame.

  “What did you mean by fly-by-night affairs?” By the look on her face, my question made her uncomfortable, and her eyes immediately darted to the ground around my feet. Seeing as how she was going to remain silent, I added, “Kind of unfair to judge me for my past, don’t you think? I’ll admit I’ve never really done the relationship thing, but I don’t exactly jump from bed to bed on a nightly basis either. You know I don’t, so why would you say that?”

  “What about Amber?”

  “Fuck Amber,” I blurted. Why the hell would she bring up that trash? “Are you seriously going to hold what I did in high school over my head?”

  “High school?” she asked monotonously. “Seriously? What about the other night?”

  I just stared at her, trying to figure out the hidden meaning. Call me ignorant, but I didn’t have a fucking clue. “What about the other night? Yeah, I ran into her at Lucky’s. I sure as hell wasn’t going to take Brad to Sully’s so the two of you could get in to it.” I paused for a moment, an obvious question waving a red flag inside my head. “How the hell do you even know about Amber anyways?”

  She huffed and shook her head a little, still finding it hard to look directly at me. Her arms seemed to stiffen even more around her body. “Because she came by Sully’s after you ran into her, bragging about how the two of you were going to hook up later.”

  “Mel, look at me,” I said strongly. With annoyed reluctance, she did. Firmly, I said, “I didn’t sleep with her.”

  “I saw her phone when you called. It said Shane.”

  “Then she knows another Shane! Or the bitch intentionally changed the contact name of someone who she knew would be calling her! Why would you believe anything Amber tells you?”

  “It wasn’t just Amber,” she said in an accusatory tone. “Brad said he left the apartment that night because of all the noise the two of you were making.”

  My head fell back as I groaned, my hands fisting at my sides. God damn, I wanted to punch that motherfucker. What? Did the two of them plan this crap just to fuck with us? Nothing better to do to get their jollies on?

  I released a heavy sigh and brought my head back down. “I didn’t. Sleep. With Amber. If you don’t believe me, then ask Matt if I ever touched her. He was there for everything, and I think we can both agree that he’s far more credible than Amber or Brad.”

  Her left arm unclenched to pinch the bridge of her nose and rub down her brows. Believe me, I was feeling the stress, too. “I don’t know, Shane. That’s a lot of trouble for those two to go to just to keep us apart.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first time. When have either one of them ever done anything to help us? Amber refused to give you my number when you needed it and Brad made me believe you were a whore to keep me from wanting you. Those two fuckers deserve each other.”

  Silence fell between us, but at least she was able to look at me again. And with a lot less annoyance it seemed. Now she just came across as indifferent.

  “I know you know how much I want you. And despite the crap that’s gone down between us these past two weeks, do you really think I’d throw the chance of us being together completely under the bus? That I would ruin any chance we had by hooking up with Amber of all people?”

  She shrugged miserably. “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do. But for whatever reason, you’re too afraid to admit it.”

  “Mommy?” a high-pitched voice called.

  “What, baby?” she asked, snapping into movement, opening the screen door. Jesus. This was the first time I really got to see Jake up close. Had I only seen him when all this initially went down... Damn if he didn’t look like Brad at that age!

  I couldn’t help but smile and chuckle quietly to myself. He had on a pair of glow-in-the-dark Batman PJ’s that had a matching utility belt drawn into the fabric. And the way he stood there, with fisted hands planted on his waist, he actually looked the part of a superhero. But the most humorous thing of all was how his right pant leg was hitched up all the way to his knee.

  His sweet blue eyes looked up to Mel with innocence. So quietly I could barely hear him, he asked, “Cookie?” like he knew it was a long shot.

  “Cookie?” she parroted with a teasing voice. “No, you can’t have a cookie. You’re supposed to be in bed. To bed I said,” she added in Dr. Seuss fashion, pointing toward the hallway behind him.

  His head slowly leaned sideways, allowing both eyes to set on me. “Are you a police officer?” he asked.

  “What?” I asked, completely thrown by the question.

  “He’s just one of Mommy’s friends,” Mel explained, applying pressure to Jake’s shoulder. The kid must have dug in, because he hardly flinched against her weight.

  “Karen told me about police officers today.”

  “Oh,” I replied. Guess she was worried about Brad coming back, too. “Well, you tell me. Do I look like a police officer?”

  His bright, little eyes scanned me up and down. “Where’s your badge?”

  “I don’t have a badge.”

  He leaned even more, trying to see past me. “Do you have blinky lights?”

  “Nope. No blinky lights.” Shit, I didn’t even have my truck anymore. Or a job. I was a fantastic catch at the moment.

  Jake’s mouth twisted as he looked me over, his half smile continuously changing sides, puffing out one cheek at a time. I bit into my lip, suppressing the smile that yearned to spread. Watching his face twitch back and forth was worthy of a Saturday Night Live bit. “Nope. Not a cop. Are you a super hero?”

  “Yes,” I replied with a straight face, and his eyes lit up. “Yes, I am.”

  He inhaled the loudest breath, his mouth opening wide. “You are? Which one?” Even Mel cracked a smile at that.

  “Well,” I said, leaning over to whisper loudly beside him. “I can’t really tell you, can I? Because then it wouldn’t be a secret identity.”

  It took ten minutes to get Jake back to sleep. Two to calm down because there was a superhero in the house, one to convince that he could wait until morning to scan throu
gh his comic book pictures to see which one resembled Shane the most, and seven to sing his favorite lullaby until he drifted off again.

  I quietly closed the door behind me, my gaze still fixated on his door even though my feet continued on. Before I knew it, I slammed into Shane, my hands immediately squeezing in between us, running up the bumps of the abdomen I’d been wanting to see since he first put his hands on me. Speaking of hands, his were mysteriously grasping my hips, making their way slowly to the tail of my spine, entrapping me within his arms.

  I gasped, because really, I hadn’t been expecting that. I thought he’d still be hanging out on the porch. The back of my shoulders hit the wall first, and I was completely dumbstruck the moment I gazed upward and locked onto those dark green eyes in the dimness. His cheek slowly moved to caress mine, and the way he pressed into me, there was no way in hell he didn’t feel my breaths deepen, quicken, as my insides flipped out. I could feel something building, readying to explode and strike me down at my very core.

  His breath hot on my ear, he murmured, “Tell me you need me like I need you.”

  I wanted to answer, I really did. But no matter how many times I licked my lips and swallowed to wet my throat, nothing came out but tiny gasps. Just breathing in the scent on his neck – spicy, sexy – my mind went to mush.

  Damn, when did it get so freaking hot in here?

  Like he could read my mind, I felt a tug against my cotton robe, and it slowly slithered its way to the floor.

  “You don’t understand,” he said, his left hand releasing my back, making its way to the bandage wrapped around my forearm. He fingered it lightly, grimacing silently, until he went in search of my hand, his fingertips dancing with mine. “All those other girls were the flavor of the week because I didn’t want them. I wanted you. You’re the only one who’s ever been on my list of must haves.”